When You Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

Making Amends is an Important Part of Life 
All of the 12 Step programs stress the importance of making amends as part of the recovery process. But there are times when attempting to make amends can do more harm than good to you and others. 

When Your Efforts to Make Amends Are Rejected

There are also times when your efforts to make amends might be rejected. A rejection to heartfelt efforts to be forgiven can be very painful.

Often, it takes a lot of soul searching and courage to say, "I'm sorry" to people you have hurt. 

This process of soul searching can take you to the depths of our feelings where you might have avoided going for many years. So, when you humble ourselves and summon the courage to make amends, naturally, you hope to be forgiven.

Making Amends Can Be a Healing Process for Both People, But Not Always

Under favorable circumstances, this can be a healing process for both people. But not always. Sometimes, your process and what might be good for you might not be good for the other person. 

You can't always know what the other person is going through, especially if a lot of time has gone by. Your attempts to make amends might come at a bad time for them. Or accepting your apology might be more than they can deal with at that point in time--or ever. It's not for you to judge.

All We Can Do is Extend the "Olive Branch"

All you can do when you make amends is to extend the "olive branch." And you must do so without expectations, which can be very difficult. 

No matter what you're hoping for by making amends, you must accept the other person's freedom to choose what's best for him or her. 

That means not trying to convince, control or bargain with this other person. To do so would only take away from your effort to make amends. It also devalues the other person's right to determine what's best for him or her.

An Attitude of Acceptance

If your sincere apology is rejected, in order to preserve our own sense of well being,  take an attitude of acceptance, knowing that you've forgiven yourself, or you're on the road to forgiving yourself, regardless of what the other person does. 

Beyond that, you must make a commitment to yourself that you won't offend in this way again.

All of this is part of your healing and recovery. Others might not join us in your journey, and a healthy attitude of acceptance is something to strive for in these circumstances. 

Whether you are part of a recovery community or not, you can benefit from the support of friends, family, and loved ones.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapy

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

What is the Difference Between Forgiving and Forgetting?
Over the years, I've discovered that there seems to be a lot of confusion about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. Naturally, there are times when they go together, especially when we have a minor disagreement with someone and it's not worth it to remember what happened. But what about when there's a major betrayal or trauma? What does it mean under those circumstances to "forget"?

Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

As with many circumstances, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Every situation is different and no one can tell you what's right for you. But are there times when it would be beneficial not to "forget" what happened? Given the confusion that this topic seems to elicit, I think this question is worth exploring.

What Does it Mean to Forgive Someone?
First of all, let's discuss what it means to forgive someone. Forgiveness doesn't always happen all at once. Forgiveness often happens in stages. We must first have the willingness to forgive, even before we actually forgive. From that willingness usually comes the ability to forgive.

Why Forgive?
But why forgive at all? First and foremost, in my opinion, we forgive to let go of toxic feelings that only serve to eat away at us inside. Depending upon the circumstances, it might take a long time to let go of anger and resentment. When the problem involves abuse or other forms of trauma, it's not unusual for it to be a long process. This is normal, and we shouldn't feel ashamed because we or others think it should take less time.

When we forgive, we have a choice of whether we reconcile with the other person or not. This leads to whether or not we should forget and continue to have this person in our lives. Again, there are no hard and fast rules about this, but self preservation, emotional, physical, and spiritual, must come first. If forgetting means that this person continues to abuse or hurt us, then we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to be aware and use good judgment, which means not forgetting the incident(s). It means keeping ourselves safe by not going into denial about what happened and that it's likely to happen again.

Now, I understand that people do change and turn their lives around. Someone who has been abusive could change and stop their abusive behavior. But it's often a long, difficult road, and often this behavior doesn't change. So, you have to evaluate your situation in as an objective way as possible before you decide to forget about the abusive behavior, especially if it's been an ongoing pattern.

Does this mean that this person isn't really sorry at the point when he or she says so? Not at all. There is often genuine remorse. The problem is that remorse alone, while important, isn't enough to change a person's behavior, especially where there are ingrained behaviors.

When Forgetting Means Putting Yourself in Harm's Way
When forgetting means keeping you in harm's way, it's a form of self destructive behavior. To get back to our original question about forgiving and forgetting, under circumstances when abusive behavior (of any kind) is likely to continue, forgiving is definitely different from forgetting. To forget what has been an ongoing pattern would lull us into a false sense of security--to our detriment.

Knowing When to Forget and When Not to Forget
Knowing when to forget as well as forgive can be tricky, especially when it involves people that we love. Our own loving feelings towards this person can cloud our judgment so that we only see what we want to see. Under those circumstances, it's usually better to seek the advice of a trusted and impartial friend or family member.

Striving to Heal and Find Meaning in Life
One thing I'd like to clarify is that by "not forgetting" I don't mean that we strive to keep our emotional wounds open and foremost in our minds. What I DO mean is that, while we don't turn a blind eye to what has happened and what might continue to occur, we strive to heal and find whatever meaning there is to find in our circumstances, and we continue to develop and grow.

Forgiving and forgetting is a complex topic and we've only begun to touch the surface, but I hope I've provided, at least, some food for thought and helped anyone struggling with this issue so he or she doesn't feel guilty about "not forgetting" when to do so would be self destructive.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

A Search for a Meaningful Life

Book:  Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning
I'm rereading the book, Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl. Frankl was a psychoanalyst and holocaust survivor. He developed the existential form of psychotherapy called logotherapy. The book recounts his experiences and the experiences of other inmates in Nazi concentration camps.

Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl

A Quest for Meaning

The basic premise of the book and of logotherapy is that life is primarily a quest for meaning, and the primary task for one's life is to seek out what is meaningful. Frankl saw three potential areas where a person could find meaning in his or her life: work (doing something significant, whether it is paid work or voluntary work), love (caring for someone else), and courage during difficult times. 

He posits that suffering in itself is meaningless. What gives it meaning is how we respond to it. According to Frankl, in many cases, we cannot always control what happens to us. But we can control how we deal with it.

In his experiences as a concentration camp inmate, he witnessed that the inmates most likely to survive were those who had the inner resources and found meaning in their lives, despite the cruel and inhumane circumstances. 

He recounts many examples of people who willed themselves to live, against formidable odds, by keeping an internal focus on seeing loved ones again or thoughts of resuming work that was meaningful to them.

Frankl thought of his wife, not knowing if she was alive or dead, picturing her face and imagining what she would say to him. 

Even though he was stripped of all possessions and nearly starved to death, he held onto his conviction that all material possessions and comfort was taken from him, but he maintained the freedom of his mind, his thoughts, and the inherent value of life itself.

One of the most prevalent problems of our times is that people find life meaningless. Generally, as a society, we have more leisure time than our ancestors ever dreamed possible. Yet, so many people don't know what to do with their time, which isn't meaningful to them. They're bored and fill their time with meaningless activities or engage in addictions.

One of the biggest triggers for alcohol and drug abuse is boredom and a feeling that life is meaningless. The alcohol or drugs (or compulsive gambling, overspending, or sexual addiction) gives a temporary reprieve from boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. 

In many cases, it temporarily obliterates the feelings of hollowness. But once the feelings of being drunk or high wear off, at best, the person with substance abuse problems is back where he or she started. At worst, the substances themselves add to their misery in terms of increasing their depressed mood, causing misery for their loved ones, and financial ruin.

It's no wonder that so many people with substance abuse problems find hope and inspiration in 12 Step meetings like A.A. or N.A. For many of them, possibly for the first time, they see the possibility of leading meaningful lives and a purpose greater than themselves, whether they call this purpose "God," "higher power," or a deep commitment to their lives and the lives of their loved ones. This can be a revelatory experience.

Everyday we're faced with obstacles, sometimes small, sometimes life threatening. How we respond to those circumstances and the meaning we find, whether it's spiritual or not, can make the difference in how we transcend our difficulties.

Transcending Our Difficulties with a Sense of Meaning and Purpose

Transcending our difficulties with a sense of meaning and purpose doesn't necessarily mean we're going to be "happy." 

In Western culture, especially in the US, "the pursuit of happiness" is is a much sought after goal--so much so that when people aren't feeling happy, many of them think there's something wrong with them. But happiness can be fleeting and transitory. We can't always feel happy. But we can try to find meaning, as Frankl did, in even the most dire circumstances.

One of the exercises that Frankl gives his clients is to imagine themselves at the end of their lives talking about what was most meaningful in their lives. Even clients who were very depressed found meaningful aspects of their lives. It also gave them an opportunity to think about how short life is and what changes they might want to make so their life would be more meaningful.

At times, we might need help to overcome the emotional obstacles that keep us from finding meaning and purpose in our lives. 

A licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients to transcend trauma and emotional difficulties can help clients to find or reconnect with purpose in their lives. Viktor Frankl was an exceptional psychoanalyst and human being. He seemed to have very strong internal resources that helped him survive and succeed. Viktor Frankl points the way to what's possible and to what we can aspire.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples to help them overcome emotional obstacles so they can lead meaningful lives.

I provide EMDR, clinical hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing as well as psychodynamic psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

photo credit: Pickersgill Reef via photopin cc

Psychotherapy and Spirituality

Searching for Meaning and Purpose
During this holiday season, amid the noise and haste, it's the time of year when many people search for meaning and purpose in their lives . Some people approach these questions through their spiritual practice. Others consult with psychotherapists. And many use both their spiritual practice and their psychotherapy sessions to explore these important questions. Psychotherapy and spirituality approach these existential questions in different ways . And yet, there is significant overlap between psychotherapy and spiritual questions.

Psychotherapy and Spirituality

People usually go to psychotherapists when they're in emotional pain. It might be an immediate crisis, a longstanding problem, grief, loss or trauma that brings them to a psychotherapist office. Whatever the initial problem might be, often, questions about the meaning and purpose of their lives becomes a part of the treatment. Most people want to feel they're leading meaningful lives, and when they're in emotional crisis, doubts and fears can arise about the direction of their lives. If they're in a particularly difficult life transition, they might question their goals and priorities. The loss of a loved one can test their faith in themselves, humankind, and their God or Higher Power.

Psychotherapy and spirituality both address these issues. As a psychotherapist, I help clients to navigate through these complex and vital questions. As I see it, part of the psychotherapist's job is to help clients to search for and find meaning in their lives. Just living from day to day without purpose or meaning isn't satisfying for most people. Yet, finding purpose and meaning can be elusive. Although emotional crisis can throw us off balance, it can also open us up to new possibilities, including transitions that help us define who we are as individuals and who we want to be.

When I refer to spirituality, I use that term in its broadest sense. For some people, spirituality means a formal religion. For others, it might be the sense of transcendence they feel in nature, music, art, their A.A. meetings or the love they feel for their families or for humankind. However you define spirituality, what all of these things have in common is they give us a sense that there's something greater than ourselves that we're responding to and from which we feel nurtured.

A Purpose-Filled Life

As I see it, it doesn't matter how each of us defines our particular spirituality because, however we see it, the root of it is the same. A purpose-filled life is a life with meaning, hope and direction. It provides us with an internal compass to help us during troubled times. As a psychotherapist, I often help people to find or reclaim their purpose in life. Many clients come to me to explore transpersonal questions in their lives. For some, they're searching for a way to express their yearning for spirituality that might be different from what they might have grown up with as children. Or, they might want to reclaim the spirituality they grew up with, but explore their beliefs as adults with an adult understanding to spiritual questions. As a psychotherapist who is not a minister or spiritual leader, my job isn't to lead them in any particular spiritual direction. Rather, my job as a psychotherapist, is to help them to find the answers within themselves, whatever they might be.

During the early days of Freudian psychoanalysis, in my opinion, a false dichotomy developed between psychotherapy and spirituality. I think that was very unfortunate. However, more and more, psychotherapists who work in a more client-centered, contemporary way are seeing that there is significant overlap between psychotherapy and spirituality. A holistic approach to psychotherapy includes an understanding that mind, body and spirit come together in each person, even though they are expressed in many different ways and on different paths.

I believe psychotherapists can be instrumental in helping clients find meaning and purpose in their lives. Psychotherapists can also learn a great deal by listening to clients as they explore these existential questions.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples. My approach is holistic, and I emphasize the mind-body connection. 

I provide psychotherapeutic services, including psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR therapy, hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP therapy, and Emotionally Focused couple therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction with Love

Confusing Sexual Attraction with Love
During the early stage of a romantic relationship, many people confuse sexual attraction for being in love. Sexual attraction can be so strong during the initial part of a dating relationship that you can get swept away by the power of these feelings and believe yourself to be in love. This is certainly not to say that you can't be both sexually attracted and also genuinely love someone. But the point is that, whereas sexual attraction can occur in a second, mature love develops over time.

Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love

Starting a Relationship Based Only on Sexual Attraction

Often, people start a relationship based on the heady feelings of sexual attraction--believing that they love each other.

This isn't a solid foundation for a relationship. When the sexual passion begins to wear off a little, these people often find they either have little in common or that their feelings aren't strong enough to sustain the inevitable ups and downs of a mature relationship.

Learning to Distinguish Between Love and Lust

It takes time to get to know one another. I often tell individual clients and couples that it can take at least two years of dating to get to know each other well enough to know if you're compatible enough to be in a relationship.

It's right around that time that the initial heady, sexual attraction decreases somewhat (as compared to the initial passion). So, being aware of this, it makes sense to take your time to get to know one another.  Over time, you learn to distinguish what might only be lust from love.

This helps you to avoid making life plans with someone you don't really love and the disappointment you might feel when the sexual attraction begins to wane.

Sexual attractions can be fun. Often, love can develop from these sexual attractions. We can't always know in advance when this will occur.

There are also many couples who develop deep feelings of mature love who also maintain the passion in their relationships. This is a wonderful thing! Many other couples need to make more of an effort to maintain that sexual passion, but that's a subject for another blog post.

Be Aware, Be Patient, Allow Things to Unfold and Develop 

The point is that, early on, we want to be aware that strong feelings for someone at the beginning are not the basis for a committed relationship. Be patient and allow things to develop and unfold before making a commitment. In the long run, you'll be glad that you took your time.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Perfection vs "Good Enough"

Are you a perfectionist? Do you stress yourself out trying to do things perfectly? Do you feel like you've "failed" unless the things you do are 100% what you think they should be? 

Perfectionism

Are you imposing these perfectionist standards on your loved ones? 

If you've said "yes" to these questions, it would probably be helpful for you to stop and consider what's driving you to have such perfectionistic standards for yourself and others before you exhaust yourself and alienate your loved ones.

What's Causing You to Strive for Perfection?

If you tend to be a perfectionist, you might want to stop and ask yourself what's causing you to strive for such unrealistic standards. 

For some people, a deep sense of inadequacy can drive them relentlessly to push for higher and higher standards--no matter what the issue is or the cost.

"Good Enough" Can Be More than Adequate

But in certain situations "good enough" is more than adequate without driving yourself crazy. Of course, everyone has their own ideas about what's "good enough."

If you're a perfectionist, only perfection might be "good enough." When you're trying to change this pattern, it will take a lot of practice and, possibly, a reality check from people you trust to let you know if you're still pushing yourself for perfection.

Hiding Behind Perfectionism

Often, a need to be "perfect" hides a sense of "I'm not good enough."

Once you stop trying to be perfect, some of these feelings of inadequacy might come to the surface. This is usually difficult to overcome on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with being a perfectionist, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you overcome these deep seated issues.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.  

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Overcoming Perfectionism

Mindful Eating

The holiday season can be a challenging time for managing stress and overeating. In this blog post, I'll be focusing on how to eat mindfully and avoid overeating.

Why Do We Overeat During the Holidays?
One of the reasons that we tend to overeat during the holidays is that there's so often much more food around us during this time. If we work in an office, there are office parties with cakes, cookies, chips and many other types of high caloric foods. Family gatherings also have many of the same types of calorie-laden foods. It's so easy to fill up our plates and gorge ourselves on heaps of food without even realizing.

Mindful Eating, Instead of Overeating, During the Holidays

Whether we're stuffing ourselves out of anxiety, loneliness or other uncomfortable emotions or we're distracted by our conversations with others, it's very easy to overeat without realizing it. Considering that we can often attend several parties, dinners or other social gatherings over the holidays, we can end up gaining a lot of weight around the holidays.

So what's the answer? Should we avoid all social gatherings until the holidays are over? Should we starve ourselves and avoid eating until the holidays are over? Clearly, these aren't practical strategies. So what should we do? One viable strategy is to eat mindfully.

What is "Mindful Eating"?
What do we mean by "mindful eating"? Well, mindful eating means eating with awareness. Rather than being distracted while we eat or zoned out, we deliberately choose what and how much we're eating and thoroughly enjoy it. Rather than completely depriving ourselves, which often leads to overeating when we feel too deprived, we carefully choose our food, appreciating the color, texture, aroma, and all the other sensual aspects of the food. When we place the food in our mouths, we enjoy the taste and feel of the food, slowing down to thoroughly appreciate everything about it.

Remember the Meaning of the Holidays
The other factor to keep in mind is that the holidays are about more than food and overeating. If we're fortunate, the holidays are about getting together with loved ones, remembering those who are less fortunate than ourselves and the spiritual significance of the holidays if that's meaningful to you.

So, rather than focusing on food, it's more meaningful to focus on the meaning of the particular holiday. Even if you're alone for the holidays and you're not part of an organized religion, you can have a meaningful experience for yourself and make the holiday brighter for others by volunteering your time over the holidays.

This could mean joining a carolling group at a local hospital, serving food at a local homeless drop-in center, visiting a home bound elderly neighbor, or countless other volunteer activities that are available to you over the holidays and throughout the year. Participating in any of these activities has the potential to expand ourawareness of the meaning of the holidays.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist. As part of my therapeutic work with individuals and couples, I use mindfulness techniques.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.