Do Your Friends See Red Flags About Your Partner that You Don't See?

One of the most challenging situations between friends is when your friends don't like your lover or vice versa.  At times, your friends might not like your lover because they see things about him or her that you don't see.  It can be a very disappointing and frustrating situation.  It can put a strain on your friendships and on your relationship.

Do Your Friends See Red Flags About Your Partner That You Don't See? 

The following example, which I'm providing with permission from a friend, with names changed and all identifying information changed, illustrates how friendships can be challenged in this type of situation:

John:
John and I have been close friends for more than 20 years. Several years ago, he began dating Ali.  Prior to dating Ali, John had been in a two year divorce battle with the woman who was his wife at the time, which left him emotionally depleted and disillusioned about relationships.

So when those of us who were close to him heard how enthusiastic he was about this new person he was dating, we were thrilled for him and looked forward to meeting Ali.  But all of that changed when we met Ali one night over dinner at John's apartment.   Within a few minutes of meeting us, she told me she "didn't believe in psychotherapy," she told our journalist friend that she didn't like his newspaper, and she kept calling another friend by the wrong name (even though our friend kept telling her the right name). Ali looked bored throughout the meal as if her participation was part of a court mandated community service penalty.

About an hour in, she told John she felt a headache coming on and she asked him to drive her home. Throughout the dinner, John sat there gushing over Ali, looking at us and saying, "Isn't she wonderful!"  We all nodded our heads politely, not knowing what to say.  He was so smitten with her that he didn't even notice how she behaved towards his friends.

It was an awkward situation, but I thought, "He's really crazy about her, and I guess if she treats him well and he's happy, that's what really matters." But no sooner did I have this thought when I heard Ali criticizing John, while he was telling us he'd be back shortly, for not being quick enough to get his car to drive her home. She barely said good night to us as she sailed out the door.

After they were gone, we were silent for a long minute.  Finally, Amy broke the silence, "This is a nightmare! What are we going to do? Should we say something to John?"  We decided to wait to see if he asked us for our opinions about Ali.  But when John returned, he was gushing about her. Knowing how unhappy he had been in his marriage and how enthusiastic he was about Ali, none of us had the heart, at that point in time, to say anything negative.

A few days later, I met John for lunch. It was just the two of us.  When he brought up Ali, he told me that he hadn't been this happy in a long time.  Prior to that, I considered talking to John, hoping to spare him the heartache that seemed like it would come inevitably.  But he didn't seem to want to hear it, so I hesitated.  Sensing my hesitation, he said, somewhat defensively, "I know she's rough around the edges, but I really care about her.  All I ask is that you get to know her and give her a chance."  His look made it clear that he didn't want to hear anything negative, so I kept quiet.

Over the next couple of months, I socialized with John and Ali a few more times with similar results.  Each time she showed very little interest in getting to know John's friends and she found some reason to end the night early, insisting that John leave too.  It was painful to see John being bossed around like this and his being so unaware of Ali's behavior.  But he had already made it clear to all of us that he didn't want to hear anything negative.  I reasoned that he is an adult who could make his own decisions. His other friends and I were all dismayed, but we respected the boundary he set.

Then, one day I got a late night call from John, who sounded very upset.  He asked if he could come over to talk.  When he arrived, he threw himself on my couch and began to cry.  He looked awful, as if he had already been doing a lot of crying. I waited for him to compose himself, and then he told me that Ali informed him via text message that she no longer wanted to see him. He couldn't believe she would end things this way. He never saw it coming.  Then, with a touch of resentment, he said, "You knew all along that she wasn't right for me, but I didn't want to hear it."

In the weeks that followed, John and I were able to talk about what happened. He told me that he knew I had his best interests at heart, and he wished he had been more open to hearing my feedback, as well as the feedback of his other friends.  He was hoping so much that this relationship would work out that he put blinders on.

John did eventually meet another woman and they're happy together.  But every once in a while, he talks about how he ignored all the obvious negative signs with Ai, and how he discouraged his friends from saying anything negative about her.

This is a common experience for many people. Fortunately, this situation didn't destroy longstanding friendships.  But many similar situations end badly for friendships.

Of course, friends aren't always right when they disapprove of your lover, but if if you have close friends that you know have your best interests at heart, isn't it worth it to take a moment to consider if they might be seeing things about your lover that you don't want to see? Especially at the beginning of a relationship, love be truly blind. It's easy to say, "They don't know him the way I do."  But very often, like John, you do know when something is amiss in your relationship, but you don't want to see it.

What is Your Responsibility to Your Friend if He or She is in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
If you're the friend of someone who is with a lover who doesn't seem right for him or her, what is your responsibility towards your friend?  This can be a tough dilemma, and there's no one-size-fits-all answer. If your friend is in a physically abusive relationship, you should talk to him or her about it.  But in other situations, where your friend doesn't want to hear any criticism, sometimes all you can do is let him or her know you're there as a friend.  As in the case of John, your friend will probably come to you for support when the relationship falls apart.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many clients with relationship issues.

To find out more about me visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dream Work

I've been rereading Stephen LaBerge's book, Lucid Dreaming because of my strong interest in dreams in general, and lucid dreams in particular.  One of the recommendations he makes about dealing with nightmares is that, rather than avoiding them, to deal directly with nightmarish figures in dreams, which is a creative form of dreamwork to help overcome unconscious aspects that crop up in our dreams.

 Nightmares

Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dream Work

For most of us, our usual reaction to waking up from a nightmare is to be glad we've awoken and want to immediately avoid thinking about it. But I agree with Dr. LaBerge that avoiding the unpleasant aspects of dreams and thinking we're now off the hook is, as he states, a little like a prisoner who digs his way out of his prison cell only to find that he's in the cell next door.  You haven't escaped. You've merely exchanged one cell for another, and whatever unresolved issues you might be having remain unconscious for potentially more nightmares.

Lucid Dream Work with Nightmares While Asleep

Dr. LaBerge has recommendations in his book on how to do dream work with nightmares while in a lucid state in the dream as well as strategies for dealing with nightmarish figures while awake.  The main focus of the book is how to achieve lucidity in dreams while asleep, which can be a very exciting and useful state to achieve.  But learning to transform nightmarish figures after the dream by having a "dialogue" with them can also be a creative solution to overcoming nightmares.

Dr. LaBerge recommends that, even in a waking state, we can use our imagination to create this dialogue with the figure from the nightmare by asking this figure who s/he is and what message he or she might have for you.  This can be done with paper and pen (or on computer).  In order to do this, we must suspend disbelief while we're doing this exercise and not worry about looking silly.  Anyway, you're likely to be doing this on your own, so why worry about what other people might think?  You'd be doing this to overcome an unpleasant experience so it doesn't continue to recur.

Dream Work and Hypnotherapy

This same type of dream work can also be done with a skilled hypnotherapist who works with dreams and who can help you to get back into the dream state to do the work. It often feels safer to do dreamwork with a trained therapist, especially for recurring dreams, rather than trying to do it on your own.  It all depends on how comfortable you are doing the work.

Lucid Dreams

In any case, I recommend the book, "Lucid Dreaming" by Dr. Stephen LaBerge, which can be obtained in either paperback or as an e-book.  The advantage of the paperback is that you get a CD with helpful suggestions.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR clinician, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.  I have also helped many clients to find creative solutions to their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You can also read my article about Dream Incubation.

Relationships: Is There Room in Your Relationship for Your Feelings?

As a psychotherapist in New York City, who sees both individuals and couples, one of the most common problems that clients bring to therapy is that they feel there isn't room in their relationships for them to express their feelings.

There can be many reasons why this problem occurs.  Often, it goes beyond a problem with communication, although this is usually a factor.  The more challenging factor is that there has usually been a dynamic in the relationship where one person, who tends to be the more dominant person in the relationship, has more control over the emotional tenor, how the couple spends time, financial decisions, and other aspects of the relationship.  In other words, there's a power differential between them.

When I see individuals or couples where this is a problem, the person who is less dominant in the relationship often complains that whenever s/he tries to talk about unpleasant feelings, like feeling ignored or unmet emotional needs, the partner either refuses to hear it or minimizes the feelings.  For the person who feels unheard, over time, this often causes hurt, anger and resentment. If the dynamic persists, it can erode the relationship.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates this relationship dynamic:

Dan and Sue:
Dan and Sue, both in their late 30s, were married for 10 years.  They had two sons (6 and 7).  They got married while Dan was in law school.  In the early years, Sue worked as an office manager while Dan completed law school.  They were very in love and had common values.

The main problem that brought them into marriage counseling, from Sue's point of view, was that she felt Dan wasn't open to hearing her talk about her unmet emotional needs.

Relationships:  Is There Room in Your Relationship for Your Feelings?

She felt he tended to shut her down or, if she persisted in trying to talk to him, he would get angry and they would argue.  Lately, these arguments were becoming more frequent, and they were starting to erode the relationship.  From Dan's point of view, Sue was making unreasonable emotional demands on him.  When he got home from his stressful job, he didn't want to have these discussions.  He didn't want to be confronted by Sue's emotional demands.  Sue countered that, even when she tried to find a better time to talk, Dan was still dismissive of her feelings.

As they talked about their relationship, it became apparent that this dynamic began early on.  In the beginning, when Dan was in law school, he had a lot of time constraints. Sue learned to be emotionally accommodating, keeping most of her concerns to herself.  She thought this dynamic would change once Dan completed law school and became an attorney.  But once he became an attorney in a top law firm, he had to work very long hours.  When he got home, he was exhausted.  He often spent most evenings and weekends working, leaving Sue feeling  lonely. Whenever she tried to talk to Dan about it, he got angry and felt unappreciated. From his point of view, he was doing all of this for them.

By the time they had their two sons, Sue felt even more lonely.  Dan relied on Sue to make most of the decisions about the children.  He spent time with their sons, but there seemed to be less and less time for Dan and Sue as a couple.  Over time, Sue began to wonder if she would be happier with someone else.  Lately, one of her male colleagues began flirting with her.  Sue was flattered, and she began fantasizing about what it might be like to have an affair with this man.  When she realized that she was having these fantasies more often, she became concerned.  At that point, she told Dan that she thought their marriage was in serious trouble, and if they couldn't work out these problems, they should consider divorce.

When Sue discussed how the male colleague's attention made her realize that she could, possibly, leave her marriage for a more satisfying relationship (although not with her colleague), Dan was shocked.  He has to reassess how preoccupied he was with work and his unwilingness to listen to Sue's concerns.  He didn't want to lose his marriage and his family.

Over time, in marriage counseling, Dan and Sue learned how to prioritize their relationship. It wasn't quick or easy. They learned how to be more empathic towards each other's emotional needs.  Dan no longer dismissed Sue's feelings.  Sue learned how and when Dan would be more receptive to hearing her.  Dan became more emotionally attuned towards his own feelings, which he realized he was ignoring.  Overall, they developed a more satisfying relationship and they enjoyed children more because they were happier with each other.

The case example above presents one possible dynamic, but there are many variations on this theme.  Men often come in complaining about women who are not emotionally attuned to their needs.  Gay and lesbian individuals and couples come in with similar issues.  This type of problem isn't about gender or sexual orientation.  It's a common problem for many couples.  It's also often a dynamic that can be changed in couples or marriage counseling, especially if he couples come in sooner rather than later and if both people are motivated to make changes.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're in a relationship where one or both of you feel your emotional needs aren't being met and there's no room to discuss this between you, you owe it to yourself and your partner to seek professional help from a licensed therapist who has expertise in this area. It's possible to have a more emotionally satisfying relationship with the right help.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who sees individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

Complicated grief and unresolved mourning often occurs when there is a delay in the mourning process. If unresolved mourning persists, over time, it can result in major depression, anxiety or posttraumatic disorder (PTSD). Complicated grief can occur for many reasons.

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

The vignette below, which I'm providing with permission from a friend (changing her name to protect her privacy) illustrates how unresolved mourning can lead to further emotional complications over time:

Mary:
When Mary was nine years old, her father died from a sudden heart attack.  Due to the suddenness of her father's death, Mary's mother went into shock and she was physically and emotionally unavailable for Mary.  Mary, who was very close to her father was left to deal with her own overwhelming grief on her own.  Most of the family was focused on helping Mary's mother through the emotional ordeal.

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

To complicate matters, Mary, who was a quiet girl, appeared to be handling the loss relatively well.  What the family didn't understand was that Mary was emotionally dissociated because her father's death was too overwhelming for her.  What appeared to be Mary's calm demeanor was, in fact, a dissociation.  Since she had no one to comfort her, Mary retreated into herself emotionally, and no one could see what was happening to her.

Over the years, Mary had frequent dreams where her father would appear to her and tell her that he wasn't dead.  These recurring dreams usually took a familiar form where Mary would turn around and then when she turned back, her father was gone.  She continued to have these dreams throughout her adulthood. The result was that Mary's internal experience of her father went into a netherworld where she felt she was continually waiting to wake up and discover that her father's death was all a dream.

Over the years, Mary's internal experience of her father became as shadowy and ghost-like as her dreams.  At times, even though she knew rationally that he had lived and she had wonderful memories of their times together, a part of her felt felt like he had never existed.  This was a very confusing experience, and it made her feel like she was losing her mind.

After many failed attempts to have romantic relationships with men, she decided to see a psychotherapist to try to understand her experiences.

It was at that point that she learned that she had PTSD stemming from her complicated grief and unresolved mourning.  As she began to integrate her experiences related to father's death, she was able to finally mourn her loss. She also integrated her memories, both positive and negative, so that her experience of her father coalesced, rather than being stuck in a dissociated netherworld.

Prior to going to therapy, Mary feared dealing with her unresolved grief.  She feared that she would be overwhelmed with sorrow.


But once she began therapy, she realized that dealing with her grief, although sad, was a healing experience.  It also helped her to be able to sustain a romantic relationship with the man she eventually  married.  She was no longer afraid to open herself up to a loving relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy:
As a psychotherapist in NYC, I have helped many clients to overcome the effects of complicated grief and unresolved mourning.

If you are someone who is having difficulty mourning the loss of a loved one, you owe to yourself and those who are close to you to get help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Mourning isn't easy, but living with the constant  pain of loss that feels like it will never end, usually leads to even deeper emotional pain.

Healing is possible with an experienced psychotherapist who has expertise in complicated grief and unresolved mourning.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I work dynamically with clients in a supportive environment.  I am also certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which includes clinical hypnosis,  Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up  consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is Envy Ruining the Quality of Your Life?

Unrelenting envy can be a self destructive force that can ruin the quality of your life if you allow it.  

It doesn't help that we're constantly being bombarded by messages in the media that we should be thinner, happier, younger looking, and more attractive, and if we're not, somehow, it's our own fault. 

All these messages can create an environment where we're constantly comparing ourselves to others who seem to have the qualities that we want and don't have.  It can lead us to a state of feeling that we don't measure up, leaving us to feel envious of others.

Successful Advertising Often Results in Our Feeling Dissatisfied

Successful advertising often results in our feeling dissatisfied with ourselves and wanting to have what we perceive others have which, in turn, leads to our going out and purchasing products or services in a never ending quest to have what we want.

Is Envy Ruining the Quality of Your Life?

Of course, advertising is not always the culprit that creates dissatisfaction in ourselves and envy of others.  In many instances, persistent messages , whether they were  explicit or implicit, from our families when we were growing up were that we  weren't good enough.  So, advertising and other forms of media often reinforce our own longstanding emotional insecurities.    

Envy:  It's Not About the Other Person--Its About You

The important thing to realize, when you're struggling with envy, is that it's not about the other person--it's about you.

When you're consumed by envy, it's often a sign that your self esteem is in the dumps. Clinical hypnosis is often effective in helping people get to the root of low self esteem and build self confidence.

Clinical hypnosis is not a "magic bullet cure."  It's not something that "done to you." It's therapeutic work.  When hypnosis is successful, you can discover what's holding you back and work on overcoming it.  

Passing Moments of Envy vs a Pervasive Pattern of Feeling Envious

We all have passing moments of envy.  Often, these are fleeting experiences.  But if you find yourself in a state of constantly comparing yourself unfavorably with others and envying them for what you feel you don't have, you owe it to yourself to explore the source of your low self esteem.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who specializes in interactive, dynamic psychotherapy, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

On Being Alone

In psychotherapy literature, much has been written about the unique experience that individuals have about being alone.  Donald Winnicott, the British Object Relations psychoanalyst and pediatrician, talked about the experiences of the infant who was able to tolerate times of being alone because she had an internalized sense of being alone and yet feeling the loving presence of the mother in the background.  

When things go well for the infant, this "good enough" mother is sensed as an internalized experience of nurturing that remains with the infant even when the mother isn't in sight, so the infant doesn't feel abandoned.

"Wounded Aloneness"

Michael Eigen, Ph.D., American psychoanalyst, talks about "wounded aloneness" in his latest book, "Contact with the Depths."  When the infant is unable to internalize a nurturing mother, for whatever reason, the infant experiences moments of  being alone as being abandoned, fraught with fear.  Of course, the baby has no language to express this fear, which probably is terrifying.  We know now that, contrary to former beliefs, we're not born like blank slates.  We respond and interact with our environment.  We know now about the neuroplasticity of the brain and the importance of these early experiences to the infant's developing mind.

On Being Alone

As adults, how we experience being alone is often based on these early experiences.  If the overall early experience was "good enough" in a Winnicottian sense, all things being equal, we can tolerate and even enjoy being alone for periods of time. 

We can maintain an internal sense of loving friends and family, even though they're not with us physically.  This doesn't mean that we never feel lonely.  Everyone, no matter what your early experiences have been, experiences loneliness at various times.  But, overall, being alone is, at worst, a neutral experience and, at best, a time to regroup, relax, and renew onself.

Feelings of "wounded aloneness" can lead to depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, and other forms of addictive and compulsive behavior in an effort to comfort oneself.  The drink or the drug becomes the "friend" that is so hard to give up.  It's the friend who's always there, "reliable."   

When psychotherapy is going well, when there's a good match between the therapist and client, there can be a repair to "wounded aloneness."  It doesn't happen over night.  A sense of trust must be established first.  After a time, the client learns to internalize the therapist.

Even when the therapist isn't around or even after therapy has ended, when therapy is successful, the client maintains a sense of the therapist.   There are many times when I still think of my first analyst, who has been dead for more than 20 years, and remember things he said, a look, a gesture, or helpful advice.  

In many ways, my experience of him is stronger now than at any other time in my life.  This is a common experience for many people who've had good experiences in therapy.  

We used to think that trauma and experiences of neglect and abuse did irreparable damage to children and that the best one could do is accept one's fate as an adult to remain wounded and feeling emotionally damaged.  

Fortunately, we now know that it's possible to change, heal, grow and overcome early deficits.  

Getting Help in Therapy
There are many ways to heal emotionally.  Psychotherapy is one way.   If being alone for you is a hurtful and retraumatizing experience, help is available to you.  

Working with a therapist you feel comfortable with can be a life changing experience.  Often, beginning the process can be the hardest part.  

But it can also set you on a new journey, opening up a new world for you, if you allow it.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist.  Dynamic, interactive talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing are among my specialties.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Make Better Choices in Romantic Relationships

As a psychotherapist in New York City, over the years, I've see many clients, both men and women, who come to therapy in despair because they continue  to make unhealthy choices in their romantic relationships.

Learning to Make Better Choices in Romantic Relationships

Most of them want very much to be in healthy, loving relationships, but they keep choosing the same type of romantic partners who are almost certainly guaranteed to disappoint and break their hearts. Usually, they say they'd like to be with a kind, loving person, but they're often attracted to just the opposite type of person--emotionally unavailable, selfish, narcissistic, mean or abusive.

Looking at this phenomena on the surface, you might wonder: How can there be such a disparity between what they say they want or who they're attracted to?  It just doesn't seem to make sense. But looking below the surface at the underlying reasons that drive the attractions, we find the unconscious forces that make these unhealthy choices so compelling.

Usually, when there's such a disparity between the type of romantic partner someone says they want vs the type of people they're actually attracted to, these attractions are driven by early, often preverbal, bonds to their earliest caregivers, usually a mother or father.  

Of course, this isn't always a negative thing.  Many people were fortunate enough to have loving, nurturing parents. But if you weren't so fortunate, your early bonding experience might be getting in the way of your h making good choices for yourself.  You might be caught in a cycle of basing your relationships on unhealthy attractions.

For people caught in this cycle of wanting a healthy relationship, but continuing to choose emotionally unhealthy people, the dilemma becomes that, on the one hand, even when they meet people who are potential health partners, they're not attracted to them. There's no spark or chemistry, so there's little motivation to pursue these relationships.  On the other hand, when they meet the type of person they say they want to avoid, fireworks go off.

This can be a very discouraging dilemma.  But it is possible to change these dynamics  in therapy.  Using hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing therapy and dynamic talk therapy, it's possible to not only understand why you're continuing to make poor choices but also to learn to have attractions be more in synch with what you know is emotionally healthy for you.

About Me:
I am a New York City psychotherapist who provides therapy for individuals and couples, including dynamic talk therapy, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.