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Sunday, April 9, 2023

"No Means No" Isn't Enough. What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

In my prior article, What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?, I wrote about the basics of sexual consent, which are rules that everyone needs to know and abide by. But the basics aren't enough, which is why I'm focusing on enthusiastic sexual consent in this article.

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?
Sexual consent isn't a binary concept involving either "Yes" or "No." 

Concepts like "No means no" doesn't even begin to cover what's involved with enthusiastic consent.

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

Enthusiastic sexual consent means that everyone involved in the sexual act is visibly and vocally interested, sexually excited, and agreeing to the sexual acts involved.

Not only are the people involved consenting, but they are really into it. 

This is unequivocal consent that everyone is aware of and agrees to before and during the sexual activities.

 "No Means No" Is An Outdated Concept
"No means no" doesn't cover all the issues involved with sexual consent.  

Aside from saying "Yes" or "No," people involved might respond by saying, "I'm not sure" or "I don't know..." or "I guess so..." or "Maybe..." or "Maybe later..." or some variation that isn't black and white. These responses are in the gray zone.

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

"No means no" also overlooks certain circumstances when a person might not want to engage in the sexual activities, but they're unable to say "No" due to one of the following circumstances where they are:
  • Underage (a minor) and they don't have the mental, emotional or developmental capacity or legal status to make these decisions
  • Impaired by alcohol or drugs
  • Being pressured, manipulated, tricked, deceived, threatened, forced
  • Incapable of making a decision and/or communicating that decision due to mental illness, disability or for some other issue affecting their ability to give consent freely
  • Unconscious due to alcohol, drugs or some other reason
  • Unsure if they want to engage in sex or not
  • Unable to give consent for other reasons
The examples given above are in no way exhaustive of all the possible scenarios that might be involved when someone is in the gray zone.

 If You're Not Sure the Other Person is Giving Enthusiastic Consent, Ask Them
Sometimes it might not be clear to you if they are giving enthusiastic consent or not. 

What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

It's not enough to pick up on signals or sexual vibes because you might be misreading them.
What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?

So, when you're not sure, ask and listen to what your partner(s) say. If they seem unsure, don't have sex.

Enthusiastic Sexual Consent Can Be Sexy
Enthusiastic sexual consent is essential.  

In addition, I think people need to reframe their ideas about sexual consent, especially enthusiastic sexual consent.

Specifically, I've heard many clients complain that getting enthusiastic consent feels awkward and it can ruin the moment, but I disagree.

I think talking about enthusiastic sexual consent can be very sexy.

By encouraging your partner(s) to communicate and by listening to them, you're validating them and letting them know that their feelings and values are important to you.

Enthusiastic Sexual Consent Can Be Sexy

You're also letting your partner(s) know that you respect them and their sexual pleasure and comfort are important to you.  

In addition, when your partner(s) tell you that they're really sexually turned on by what you both want to do, this can be a big sexual turn-on for you too.

Aside from getting enthusiastic consent from your partner(s), you also want to communicate how you feel too. So, consider what you want and don't want to do sexually beforehand.  And know that either you or they can change your mind at any time.

About Me
I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.















What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?

There are some basic rules about sexual consent that everyone should know and abide by.

What is Sexual Consent?
On the most basic level, sexual consent is the mutual, freely given agreement between people who are about to engage in sexual activities.

Understand and Abide By the Rules of Sexual Consent

A flagrant disregard for sexual consent is considered sexual assault or rape, so it's important to be knowledgeable and abide by sexual consent rules.

Unfortunately, there is a serious lack of sex education in US schools and in homes so many people, especially boys and men, don't understand sexual consent.  In addition, some girls and women are also confused about sexual consent.

    The Basic Rules of Sexual Consent
  • A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Underage: If someone is a minor, even if they say yes to engaging in sex, they cannot give legal consent to have sex. You must know the age of this person and be aware of the legal age to give consent in the state you are in because the law varies from state to state in the US.  
  • A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Impaired By Alcohol or Drugs: Since alcohol and drugs impair a person's judgment and ability to communicate, including the ability to communicate about sexual consent, you must be cautious and aware of the other person's state. Although it can be tricky to gauge someone's state, if you have any doubt about whether a person has the ability to give consent and communicate it freely, don't have sex.  This includes everything from touching, kissing, up to and including sexual intercourse. It is your responsibility to assess the situation and behave accordingly or you might find yourself in bed with someone who doesn't remember giving consent the next day, which could mean legal problems for you.

A Person Who is Impaired Cannot Give Sexual Consent

  • A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Have Diminished Capacity, Judgment or Ability to Communicate Freely Due to Mental Illness or Disability:  This is similar to alcohol and drug impairment. If someone doesn't have the ability to make decisions and communicate clearly on their own behalf or you are not sure whether they do or not, do not engage in sex with this person.
  • A Person Cannot Give Consent If They Are Pressured, Threatened, Tricked or Manipulated: If you have threatened, manipulated, coerced or tricked someone into having sex, you don't have consent.  Consent must be freely given without threat, deception or manipulation.
  • A Person Who is Being Sex Trafficked Cannot Give Consent: The Trafficking Victims Act of 2000 defines sex trafficking as any adult or minor under the age of 18 who is involved in a commercial sex act that was induced by force, fraud or coercion. According to the US Federal Government, sex trafficking is the modern day equivalent of human slavery. People who engage in commercial sex with underage youth are usually men, and they are sexual predators and child molesters. Sex trafficking is a felony offense. The worst states for sex trafficking (as of the writing of this article) are California, New York, Florida and Texas. They are the leading states for sex trafficking. Of all the states in the US, California is #1 and New York State is #4 for sex trafficking. There are serious legal consequences for sex trafficking on the state and Federal level.
  • A Person Who is Unconscious Cannot Give Consent: Whether the person is unconscious due to alcohol, drugs or for some other reason, you don't have consent if the person is unconscious. If you have sex with an unconscious person, you are having non-consensual sex and you will be legally responsible for your actions.
  • A Person Who Gave Consent in the Past Isn't Necessarily Giving Consent in the Present or in the Future: Don't assume that if you had sexual consent in the past that you have consent in the present or that you will have consent in the future. You must have consent each time.
Consent From the Past Does Not Mean Consent in the Present

  • A Person Who is Not Sure If They Want to Have Sex Isn't Giving Consent: When someone says "No," that's clear. But don't assume that "Maybe" means"Yes." If someone isn't sure, you don't have consent so don't have sex.

Consent Can Be Withdrawn At Any Time

  • A Person Can Withdraw Consent At Any Time: Even if you are in the middle of a sexual act, if a person says no or stop or signals in any way that they want you to stop, you must stop immediately, even if you don't like it, because you no longer have consent.

Why Do People Disregard the Rules of Sexual Consent?
A lack of understanding and sex education are part of the issue, but this does not account for the blatant disregard that many people show for sexual consent.

People who choose to blatantly disregard sexual consent are abusing their power in sexual situations.  Sexual assault and rape are not about sex--they are about abusing power over another person.

My Next Article:
This article covered the basic rules of sexual consent.

My next article will go beyond the basic rules to update the sexual consent rules: 

Resources For Sexual Assault and Rape Victims
If you have been the victim of a sexual assault or rape, the following national and New York City resources are available for sexual assault and rape victims:
    
    National Sexual Assault Hotline:    800-656-HOPE (4673)
    NYC Crime Victims Hotline:          866-689-HELP (4357)

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


























Fatherless Daughters: What is the Potential Emotional Impact of Growing Up Without a Father?

The potential impact for girls who grow up without a father can be profoundly traumatic.  

Fatherless Daughters

What is Fatherlessness?
Fatherlessness is defined as a lack of an emotional bond between a father and his child.  This can be the result of the father's death, abuse, addiction, incarceration, abandonment of the family or other issues.

What Role Does a Father Play in a Girl's Life?
Although psychology has mostly focused on the role of the mother, greater attention is now being paid to the father's role in a young girl's life.

A Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship

A healthy relationship with a father has an important positive impact on a girl's:
  • Confidence
  • Self esteem
  • Self image
  • Beliefs about herself
  • Perspective on men
  • Ability to trust
  • Need for approval

A Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship

All other things being equal, women who grew up in a healthy father-daughter relationship are more likely to have:
  • Self confidence
  • Confidence in their choices
  • Healthy body image
  • Better academic achievement
  • A greater ability to trust
  • A greater ability to take risks
  • A better opinion of men
  • More meaningful relationships with men in general
  • Better decision-making capability and choices in the men they choose for romantic partners
Mitigating Factors That Help Fatherless Girls in Their Psychological and Emotional Development
Although this article focuses on many of the potential problems usually associated with fatherless daughters, it's important to note that not all fatherless daughters grow up to have the problems outlined in this article. 

A Loving Grandfather With His Granddaughter

For many of them there are mitigating factors that help them in their psychological and emotional development, including other father figures like uncles, grandfathers and other healthy males who take on a paternal role.

In addition, girls who work with a qualified mental health professional can overcome many of the potential problems that are usually associated with being a fatherless daughter.  

The Potential Emotional Impact For Women Who Grew Up Without a Father
Unfortunately, girls who lose their father at a young age are at a higher risk for problems as an adult in the areas mentioned above where girls in healthy father-daughter relationships excel. 

Fatherless Daughters

There is a derogatory term, "Daddy issues" which is mostly used in social media and has no place in psychology. This popular derogatory term describes women who have been negatively impacted by the loss of their father at a young age.  

Women who grow up without a father (or an inconsistent father) often have an anxious attachment style, including fear of abandonment.  

As children, they often blamed themselves for the loss of their father and, similarly, they can blame themselves for problems in their adult relationships with men.  

In addition, they might have grown up feeling that their father wasn't around because their father didn't love them or they were in some way inherently unlovable. This can carry over into their romantic relationships with men where their low self esteem causes them to choose men who don't treat them well.

Signs That a Woman Has a Father Wound
Fatherless daughters often:
  • Date Older Men: They often choose older men as romantic partners. Older men can represent security and protection to them.
  • Feel Overly Anxious or Jealous: Fatherless daughters often worry that their partner might leave them for someone else or abandon them in some other way, which is related to their abandonment issues with their absent father. This anxiety and jealousy can ruin a relationship.
  • Need Constant Reassurance: This is related to their deep-rooted fear of abandonment.  They might fear that their partner is angry with them or that they have made wrong decisions. This need for constant reassurance can take its toll on a relationship.
  • Fear Abandonment: As previously mentioned, fear of abandonment can be a big issue for women who grew up without a father. They often place a lot of importance on being in a committed relationship--at any cost--even if their partner doesn't treat them well. Their fear of being abandoned can have the effect of driving a partner away.  It can also cause these women to be serial monogamists where they jump quickly from one relationship to another (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).
  • Get Into One Unhealthy Relationship After Another: Since they often fear being alone, they can repeat dysfunctional patterns of getting into one toxic relationship after  another.  They might choose men who cheat on them, misuse drugs or alcohol, abuse them and mistreat them in other ways (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).
Once again, I want to emphasize that the problems discussed in this article are not universally true for all fatherless daughters.

There are girls who are emotionally resilient who don't experience the problems discussed in this article.  

There can be many factors, including the mitigating factors discussed above or other related reasons why these girls don't develop these problems.  

More research is needed to identify these factors.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
As previously mentioned, the loss of a father at a young age is often detrimental, especially as girls develop into women and carry the trauma of the loss into their adult life, including their relationships.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you were traumatized by the loss of your father, it's never too late to get help.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma specialist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Many people experience increased personal meaning in their life and posttraumatic growth after they overcome their losses in trauma therapy.

With the help of a skilled trauma therapist, you can work through your loss so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individuals overcome trauma and loss so they can lead happier lives.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.















Saturday, April 8, 2023

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Effort Between You and Your Partner

In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin describes sex as a team sport in a relationship--meaning that both people are responsible for their sex life.

This is similar to how Barry McCarthy describes successful sexual dynamics in a relationship in his book Rekindling Desire, which he also says is a team effort between the two people in the relationship (see my article: Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship).


Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

In other words, it's not up to just one person to keep things going sexually.  

For instance, in a heterosexual couple it's not just up to the woman to get dressed up in a sexy night gown to seduce the man.  Similarly, it's not just up to the man to always initiate sex, which is based on the fallacy that men always want sex.  

How Do Both People in a Relationship Take Responsibility For Keeping Sex Alive
In Sex Educator Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses "turning on the ons and turning off the offs."  

What Does "Turning On the Ons and Turning Off the Offs" Mean?
To put it succinctly, it means knowing your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs and working on reducing what turns each of you off and increasing what turns each of you on.

Dr. Nagoksi recommends starting with focusing on the turn-offs first because it's often easier for people to identify what they don't like before they can identify what they like.  

In an earlier article, I discussed the Dual Control Model of sexual brakes and accelerators (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

To recap briefly: Sexual brakes are things or situations that turn you off. Conversely, sexual accelerators are things or situations that turn you on.

Common Sexual Brakes
Some of the common sexual brakes referred to in the prior article:
Common Sexual Accelerators
Some common sexual accelerators referred in the prior article include:
Focusing on eliminating or reducing sexual brakes is the place to start for most couples, as per Dr. Nagoksi.

You can't completely eliminate every stressor in your life, but you can take steps to develop healthy coping strategies to reduce your stress: 
Clinical Scenario
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple to come together as a sexual team to improve their sex life.

Bob and June
After 10 years of marriage, Bob and June sought help in sex therapy because they basically stopped having sex.  In the last 12 months leading up to sex therapy they had sex twice (a no sex couple is considered a couple who has had sex less than 10 times in the prior 12 months).

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

Both of them felt sad and frustrated about their sex life, but whenever they tried to talk about it on their own, their discussion ended in an argument, so they weren't getting anywhere on their own.

Bob was the one who contacted the sex therapist because he was at his wit's end.  Initially, June was opposed to the idea of seeing a sex therapist because she felt self conscious about talking to a stranger about their sex life.

Their sex therapist normalized their experience and told them that the dynamic in their relationship wasn't unusual for a long term relationship. 

So, after a few sex therapy sessions, they both felt more comfortable talking about sex with each other in the sex therapy sessions and with their sex therapist.

When they discussed their sexual accelerators and brakes, Bob said he wasn't aware of any sexual brakes. For him, it didn't matter if he was relaxed or stressed, whether they had complete privacy (in fact, he was turned on by the possibility of being observed by neighbors if he and June didn't complete pull down the bedroom shade) and he wasn't concerned about sexual performance.

June said she couldn't get sexually turned on if she was under more stress than usual.  She also felt self conscious that she had gained 15 pounds over the last few years, so she had a negative body image that interfered with her libido.  

In addition, on those rare occasions when they had sex, she was self conscious about whether she was taking too long to have an orgasm which created anxiety for her and became an obstacle to enjoying sex.

So, like many couples, June and Bob were very different with regard to their sexual accelerators and brakes.

It also became clear to the sex therapist that Bob was the pursuer when it came to sex and June was the withdrawer.  And, in terms of their emotional relationship, June was the pursuer and Bob was the withdrawer.

According to Bob, whenever he attempted to have sex with June, he felt rejected by her. And according to June, whenever she tried to strengthen their emotional connection, she felt rejected by Bob.  

When Bob heard June talk about trying to strengthen their emotional connection, he said, "In order for me to feel an emotional connection with you, I need to have sex first."

Hearing this, June said, "But in order for me to feel sexually connected to you, I need to feel an emotional connection first."

Both of them agreed that this is where they got stuck each time, and they couldn't see a way to overcome this sexual connection/emotional connection dilemma (see my article: Whereas Women Often Need Emotional Connection to Get Sexually Turned On, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

(As an aside: The dynamic described above for men and women is a generalization. There are many men who need emotional connection to get sexually turned on and many women who need sex to feel emotionally connected.  For instance, in her book, Sex Talks, Vanessa Marin discusses how she needs sex to feel emotionally connected and her husband, Zander, needs emotional connection to feel sexually connected.  So, be aware there are exceptions and whichever way the dynamic goes, it's all normal.)

Since they were both emotionally and sexually disconnected from each other, Bob and June decided that their priority at the start of sex therapy was to feel more emotionally connected first, so they made this their initial goal.

Their sex therapist explained the concept of Senate Focus, which was originally developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s and updated by contemporary sex therapists, including Linda Weiner and Constance Avery-Clark in their book, Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy - The Illustrated Manual.

The sex therapist explained to June and Bob that the basic premise of Sensate Focus, which is also called Mindful Touching, is that a couple improve their emotional intimacy and communication through non-sexual touching.  

She advised June and Bob that they start slowly and, in order to focus on emotional connection first, that they not have sex after they practiced Sensate Focus touching--even if they felt sexually turned on.  She explained that by eliminating the expectation of sex while they were engaged in non-sexual touching, they could both relax and focus on becoming more emotionally connected without the pressure of sex.

After practicing Sensate Focus for a few weeks, Bob and June were feeling a lot closer emotionally.  They also both accepted that they were in it together when it came to improving their emotional and sexual connection, so they accepted the idea that it was a team effort between them.

As a next step, once Bob and June were feeling more emotionally connected and June was more open to connecting sexually, they focused on eliminating or reducing June's sexual brakes.  

June worked on developing a more positive body image.  Over time, she gradually learned to accept her body.  And Bob talked to June about how turned on he was by her body--regardless of the fact that she gained weight.  He said he didn't care that she gained weight at all.  He loved her regardless.

To reduce stress, Bob gave June massages to help her to relax. He also took over many of the every day chores that were on June's to do list, so she didn't feel so burdened by so many chores, which allowed her to relax even more.

After they worked on reducing the sexual brakes, they focused on both of their sexual accelerators, including discussing sexual fantasies and their peak erotic experiences from earlier in their relationship.

By then, June and Bob both felt more sexually alive and ready to have sex again on a regular basis.  Bob learned to focus more on June's sexual pleasure at first rather than focusing only his own.  

Based on what he learned in sex therapy, he focused on cunnilingus (oral sex) and fingering June's clitoris instead of relying solely on sexual intercourse. He also assured June that he was not in any hurry for her to have an orgasm, so she could relax.

June also learned not to focus so much on whether or not she had an orgasm.  As a result, without that stress, she was able to relax and she had orgasms more frequently because she didn't feel pressured.

Both Bob and June also learned to focus more on the quality of their sex rather than the quantity.  

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

As they continued to work on their sex life together in sex therapy, they told their therapist that they were enjoying sex more than ever.

Conclusion
It's not unusual for couples to go through different sexual and emotional stages in their relationship, especially in long term relationships.

Developing and maintaining a fulfilling sex life is the responsibility of both people in the relationship. 

Even though the particular vignette in this article is about a heterosexual couple, the idea of sex as a team effort is for everyone regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation.

Getting to know and work on each person's sexual accelerators and brakes is an important part of rekindling sexual desire.

Sensate Focus or Mindful Touch is helpful to many couples who need to re-establish an emotional connection before they rekindle sexual desire.  

Getting Help in Sex Therapy
Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons to overcome obstacles in their sex life (see my articles:  What is Sex Therapy?  and  What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Sex therapists usually give homework, like practicing Sensate Focus and other exercises, for couples to work on individually or together between sex therapy sessions.

If you're having sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.




































Thursday, April 6, 2023

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

In her book, Sex Talks, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the problems many people have talking about sex and how to overcome these difficulties (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Sexual Needs Met

Even though many women are more assertive now about getting their sexual needs met as compared to the past, there are still many more who either don't know what they want or don't feel entitled to ask for it. They were never taught how to talk about sex--much less be able to ask for what they want sexually (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

Many people--both women and men--still feel a lot of shame and guilt when it comes to talking about sex (see my article: Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

And many people believe that if you're in a relationship with someone, you don't need to talk about sex--they think their partner should just know what they need.  Needless to say, this often doesn't work.

How to Be More Assertive About Getting Your Sexual Needs Met
If you find yourself struggling to talk about your sexual needs in your relationship, here are some tips that might work for you:
  • Identify and Write Down Your Sexual Thoughts: If you can't bring yourself to talk about sex, keep an erotic journal that's just for you.  Start paying attention to your sexual thoughts--no matter how insignificant they might feel to you. And if you're not having thoughts about sex, take some time to write about pleasurable sexual experiences you have had in the past--whether they're with your current partner or not (make sure you keep this journal private).  This will help you to develop a sexual awareness before you even attempt to talk to your partner.
Keeping an Erotic Journal
  • Know Your Sexual Values: If you're not sure what your sexual values are, take time to think about this and do some writing to clarify your thoughts. If you need to feel an emotional connection with someone before you have sex, you can tell your partner and if they judge you, that's important information about whether you want to engage in sex with someone who doesn't respect your values. Likewise, if you see sex as a casual recreational activity, that's also your right and your partner needs to know that. You also need to respect your partner's sexual values, which is different from just going along with something that you don't want. You can respect someone's values at the same time that you tell them that their values don't match yours.  No one needs to convince or pressure anyone into doing anything they don't want to do (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

Know Your Sexual Values

  • Talk to Your Partner About General Sexual Topics If You're Too Uncomfortable Talking About Yourself: If, after you write down your thoughts in your erotic journal you're still not comfortable talking about what you want, talk to your partner about about sex in general. For instance, you could suggest that you and your partner watch a TV series about sex--like the Goop series on Netflix, Sex Love & Goop--where couples work with sex coaches and other sex experts on their sexual problems. It's usually easier to talk about sex when it's about other people on a TV program instead of talking about your own sexual experiences.  Or you and your partner can listen to a good podcast about sex, like the podcast that's hosted by Sex Researcher Justin Lehmiller on the Sex and Psychology podcast (he always has great guests and the podcasts are interesting and fun). Talking about a TV series or a podcast can help you to get started without the emotional vulnerability that people often feel when they talk about themselves.  This can help you to ease your way into eventually talking about your sex life with your partner. 
  • Don't Be Critical of Your Partner: It's important that when you start talking about sex that you don't start out being critical. That will only make your partner feel defensive, possibly shut down the conversation, and make it difficult to bring it up again.  This is a suggestion from Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin in her book, Sex Talks: It's better to try to find something to compliment your partner about and then make a suggestion of what else you want. Start by validating your partner instead of launching into criticism. So, for instance, you might say, "I love how you kiss my neck and I'd also like you to ________ ." You can fill in the blank based on what you want (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).
  • Know Your Sexual Boundaries and Don't Do Anything You Don't Want to Do: Women often feel they have to appease their partner by engaging in sexual acts they don't want to do. This includes women who experience pain during sexual intercourse who don't tell their partner and just grit their teeth and bear it. If you're having pain during intercourse, that's a problem and you need to address it with a sex positive gynecologist (and no, not all gynecologists are sex positive enough to understand and discuss sexual pain without being critical). Sexual pain can be caused by many different problems, so find a gynecologist who is knowledgeable and comfortable talking about it. After the gynecologist has diagnosed the problem, s/he might refer you to a physical therapist who is a pelvic floor specialist.  But being able to speak up about what you do and don't want isn't just related to pain. It could be related to engaging in a sexual act that isn't safe or anything else related to sex (see my article: What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?).

Know Your Sexual Boundaries
  • Know What Feels Safe to You and What Doesn't: For instance, if a partner you don't know well asks you to have intercourse without a condom because he doesn't want to wear one, know that you have a right to set a boundary with that person for your health and well-being. Too many women acquiesce to men about condom use and end up with a sexually transmitted infection or become pregnant (or both).  Likewise, if your partner is mostly focused on his own pleasure and not yours, you have a right to say your sexual needs count too.  Don't settle for less (see my article: What is Sexual Health?).

Know What Feels Safe to You

  • Know the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness: Women often confuse being assertive with being aggressive, especially if they're not used to looking out for their own needs--whether it's sexual needs, emotional needs or any other needs.  When you're assertive, you're expressing your needs in an open, direct way without being disrespectful to the other person. You're not being critical or condescending. 
  • Make "I" Statements Instead of Accusatory Statements: Part of being assertive is speaking from your own experience.  Instead of saying, "You're trying to pressure me into doing something I don't want," say, "If you insist on having sex without a condom, I don't want to have sex because I don't want to get pregnant or get a sexually transmitted infection" (or whatever the issue is).
  • Avoid Risky Situations: Being impaired by alcohol or drugs makes it difficult to use good judgment or to think clearly about what you do and don't want. Misuse of substances can also embolden someone to force you to do things you don't want sexually, so avoid putting yourself in these kinds of risky situations, especially if you don't know your partner well (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Sexually Satisfying For Women?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy
Sex is often difficult for people to talk about--even within long term relationships.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're having a hard time talking to your partner about sex, consider seeing a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a sex therapist to work out the emotional blocks that are getting in your way (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples. There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.