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I have written about setting healthy boundaries and putting up defensive walls in prior articles (see links for these articles at the end of this article).
What is the Difference Between Setting Healthy Boundaries and Putting Up Walls?
People often confuse healthy boundaries and putting up walls, so let's explore the difference between the two.
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| Setting Healthy Boundaries vs Putting Up Walls |
The primary difference is that healthy boundaries are meant to protect connection between two or more people and putting up walls prevents connection.
The description below is a comparison between the two:
Core Motivation
- Healthy Boundaries: Self respect and love
- Putting Up Walls: Fear and self preservation
Communication
- Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are explicit and clear
- Putting Up Walls: Walls are silent withdrawal or shutting down emotionally
Flexibility
- Healthy Boundaries: Permeable, situational and adaptive
- Putting Up Walls: Rigid, static and absolute
Relational Goal
- Healthy Boundaries: Show others where the "door" is
- Putting Up Walls: Lock others out indiscriminately
Personal Outcome
- Healthy Boundaries: Closeness, peace and security
- Putting Up Walls: isolation, loneliness and hypervigilance
Let's take a look at each one individually:
Healthy Boundaries
- Driven By Self Respect: Boundaries define what is okay and what is not based on your values, comfort level and energy.
- The "Doorway" Concept: A boundary acts as a "door' with instructions. It lets people know exactly how they can interact and achieve emotional intimacy with you.
- Highly Communicative: Boundaries are explicitly defined. An example would be, "I want to talk about this, but I need us to speak calmly. If either of us raises our voices, I'm going to step away for 20 minutes to cool down before I come back and we resume our discussion."
- Context-Dependent: Boundaries can shift depending on trust, safety and the specific person involved.
Putting Up Walls
- Driven By Fear: Walls are defensive barriers which are often related to unresolved psychological wounds or, possibly, exhaustion.
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| Setting Healthy Boundaries vs Putting Up Walls |
- Total Blockage: Instead of regulating the flow of the relationship, walls shut the external world out. Putting up walls assumes that vulnerability equals danger.
- Shutdown: Walls rarely come with clear, healthy communication. They can manifest as the "silent treatment", emotional coldness, ghosting or stonewalling
- Rigid and Indiscriminate: A wall implies a blanket rule for everyone. For example, "Everyone always let me down, so I'm never opening up to anyone."
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how someone can learn to take down their wall and learn to set healthy boundaries:
Eric
After a woman he was dating, Paula, told Eric that she found him hard to get to know because of the rigid walls he maintained, Eric decided to seek help in therapy to work on this issue.
Other women had told him the same thing in the past and, since he really liked Paula, he knew his relationship with her wouldn't work out if he continued to be defensive.
Initially, Eric sought help in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) because he wanted quick tools for overcoming his problem.
But, even after Eric developed insight in CBT into his problems and learned tools and strategies to open up, he didn't feel any more comfortable opening up (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).
Realizing that insight wasn't enough, Eric asked his friends to find about other types of therapy options he try and his closest friend suggested that he try one of the Experiential Therapies (see my article: What is the Difference Between "Top Down" and "Bottom Up" Approaches to Therapy?).
After Eric looked around, he began working with an Experiential Therapist who did IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy which is also known as Parts Work Therapy or Ego States Therapy.
Eric immediately noticed the difference. He and his IFS therapist worked on a much deeper level to help him understand why he kept walls up in his relationships with women and, more importantly, how he could learn to take down the walls and develop healthy boundaries.
IFS therapy didn't turn out to be the "quick fix" Eric hoped for, but he was gradually making progress which Paula noticed. He was able to communicate with her in a more open and flexible way. As a result, their relationship deepened and grew.
He also worked through the unresolved complex trauma that caused him to build walls with women in the first place.
Eric also learned to distinguish when he was safe with others and when he needed to set firmer boundaries. For instance, he learned to set firmer boundaries with certain family members who tended to say hurtful things to him and he felt proud of himself for that.
Conclusion
Many people confuse setting healthy boundaries with putting up walls.
Putting up walls is often the result of unresolved trauma.
Change happens on an emotional level which is why traditional talk therapy often doesn't resolve trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).
Experiential therapy, which includes IFS, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing as well as other similar therapies, can help you to go beyond just developing insight so that you can make significant emotional and psychological changes in your life.
Getting Help in Experiential Therapy
If you are struggling in your relationships because you tend to put up walls, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.
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| Getting Help in Experiential Therapy |
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Experiential Therapist so you can have healthier relationships and have live a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist
I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
I provide a free 10-15 minute phone conversation before I set up a first appointment.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
Also See My Articles:
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