What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

The concept of Core Erotic Themes was developed by sex therapist and researcher, Dr. Jack Morin and discussed in his book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment.

Core Erotic Themes

See My Related Articles:

What is Eroticism?

Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Sexual Excitement

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

What Are Core Erotic Themes?

According to Dr. Morin, each person has three categories of sex scripts (see my articles: Understanding Your Sex Script, Changing Your Sex Script and Changing Your Sex Script: Understanding Your Sexual Motivation)

• Cultural scripts: The culture you grew up in
• Interpersonal scripts: Between you and another person or persons
• Intrapsychic scripts: Within your mind

    Intrapsychic Sex Scripts

Of the three types of sex scripts, the intrapsychic script is the most idiosyncratic.  This script is made up of challenging life experiences beginning from early childhood.  Since each person is different, there are an infinite number of intrapsychic sex scripts.

Dr. Morin wanted to find the connecting threads between sex scripts, so he came up with another term from drama: Themes.

Dr. Morin distinguishes sex scripts from erotic themes by comparing them to scripts and themes seen on a TV program.  

For instance, on the popular detective program, "Columbo," which can still be seen in reruns, the theme of the show is that the viewer gets to see who committed the crime in each episode and then gets to see how Detective Columbo goes about solving the crime.  Although the theme doesn't vary, the script varies with each episode.

Whereas scripts are detailed, themes can be summarized in a sentence or two.  

In addition, although most people are capable of having many intrapsychic sex scripts, they usually only have a few erotic themes.

Core Erotic Themes

Dr. Morin defines the Core Erotic Theme (CET) from each person's peak erotic experiences. As the name implies, these are sexual experiences which are the most arousing, the ones that stand out in your mind as being the most exciting and sexually satisfying.

Your CET links your current peak sexual experiences with crucial challenges and difficulties from your childhood and adolescence.

According to Dr. Morin, although the link between CETs and unresolved challenges from your childhood might seem counterintuitive, in order to understand your erotic mind, you need to know that "high states of arousal flow from the tension between persistent problems and triumphant solutions."

Even though you don't need to know your CETs to enjoy sex, if you take the time to understand them, you can develop a greater ability to understand and influence your sexual choices.

Examples of Core Erotic Themes (CET)

In order to understand CETs, the vignettes below, which have common CETs experienced by millions of people, illustrate the connecting thread between the CETs and the challenging childhood experiences of these two individuals, Laura and Ted (the names and characters in these vignettes are fictional):

A Core Erotic Theme: Being the Object of Pursuit:  

Laura

When Laura was growing up, she was told by her mother countless times that she was "the smart one" and her older sister, Ellen, was "the pretty one." 

She grew up being resentful towards Ellen because she wanted to be "the pretty one."  

Feeling inferior to her sister, Laura tried to get boys' attention by being flirty and coy when she was a teenager.  She wanted these boys to pursue her so she could feel attractive and desirable. But she was usually disappointed to see that the boys she liked were more attracted to her sister.  This confirmed for Laura that she less attractive and inferior to her sister.

Even when she got older and she got more attention from young men, Laura never felt quite secure unless a young man pursued her persistently to show that he was really interested.  

Even after she was happily married, Laura's peak sexual turn-on was when her husband, Joe, initiated sex.  When her husband took his time to seduce her and initiate sex, she felt sexually desirable and it made sex much more pleasurable.

Laura's favorite sexual fantasy was doing a role play with Joe where Laura was a high-priced escort. As a much sought after escort, she could choose among hundreds of men, who wanted her for her beauty, sensuality and charm (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Joe would take on the roles of the different men who pursued her hoping to be chosen.  Each of these men would try to persuade her with money, extravagant gifts and compliments to her beauty hoping to gain her favor.  

Laura felt like a queen who could either bestow her attention on these men, if she chose to, or dismiss them without a second glance.

As part of the role play, when Laura chose one of her admirers, she told him that, even though he was paying her, he would have to do what she wanted sexually.  In response, Joe, played the all-too-willing pursuer who would do whatever Laura wanted.

    Analysis of Being the Object of Pursuit: Note that this fantasy is not only sexually satisfying for Laura, it is also psychologically and emotionally healing because it allows her to feel attractive and sexually desirable after years of growing up feeling unattractive compared to her sister.  Even though Laura knew Joe found her attractive in real life, she got to experience herself as being wildly attractive to hundreds of men in this fantasy--so much so that she was now the one who would choose them and they would do whatever she wanted. This was in stark contrast to her childhood experience of her mother telling her that her sister was "the pretty one" and her teenager experiences when she felt rejected by men who preferred her sister.

A Core Erotic Theme: Being the Catalyst For Turning On a Shy, Ambivalent Woman: 

Ted

Ted grew up as in a strict, conservative household where everyone placed his father's happiness and well-being above everyone one and everything else.  As a result, Ted learned to be a people pleaser (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People Pleasing).

When his friends began dating in high school, Ted was still too shy to speak to girls. His first sexual experience was in college with Dee, a young woman his friends set him up with at a party.  

Dee was sexually experienced. She was attracted to Ted, but she realized, based on Ted's awkwardness, that he never had sex before.  When she saw how shy he was, Dee took the initiative to lead him to one of the empty bedrooms at the party where she proceeded to kiss and fondle him.  

Ted got so nervous that he ejaculated before Dee finished taking off his shirt.  Ted felt so humiliated that, despite Dee's kindness and patience, he rushed back to his dorm and avoided Dee and his friends for days.

As Ted matured, he had better sexual experiences with women over time, but he continued to feel insecure throughout his early 20s.  

To cover up his insecurity, he once tried to imitate other young men's behavior by posing as a  "player" or "womanizer" (see my article: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Identify Themselves as "Players".  But he didn't feel good about himself when he gave women pickup lines and tried to manipulate them into having sex with him, so he stopped after that one time.

When he was in his late 20s, he met Sheena at a local bookstore.  Sheena came across as shy and quiet.  Initially, she was ambivalent about having sex. But Ted was patient and he soon discovered that, underneath her shyness, Sheena could be very passionate when she was turned on.  

Although he was no longer a people pleaser like he had been as a child, Ted loved taking his time to please Sheena sexually.  He especially loved seeing her transform from being a shy, sexually reticent woman into to passionate and sexy woman--especially knowing that he was the catalyst for her transformation.  

This experience changed how he felt about himself. His sexual fantasies about being Sheena's catalyst became a part of his Core Erotic Theme. In those fantasies he imagined being the catalyst for shy, reticent women. 

    Analysis of Being the Catalyst For Turning On a Shy, Ambivalent Woman: Note how being in this role served Ted in terms of his history of being shy and feeling sexually inadequate.  Before he met Sheena, Ted carried that young shy boy inside him even after he was an adult. But when he met Sheena and he watched her transform before his eyes from being shy and ambivalent to being on fire, he experienced himself as a man who could turn women on.  So, this experience was transformative and healing for Ted, and it became part of his Core Erotic Theme.  This is a common theme for many men--the fantasy of turning a prim and proper woman into passionate woman consumed with desire.

Getting Help in Therapy

Struggling with unresolved problems on your own can be frustrating.  It can also keep you feeling stuck.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming unresolved problems will allow you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

My last several articles have focused on concepts about human sexuality from The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, a book written by Dr. Jack Morin, sex therapist and researcher (see my prior articles listed below). In the current article, I'm focusing on another one of the paradoxical emotions, guilt, as an emotional aphrodisiac.

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

My Prior Articles About Eroticism and Emotional Aphrodisiacs

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Sexual Excitement

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Guilt as a Paradoxical Emotion

To recap from a previous article: Paradoxical means seemingly contradictory. 

The word "seemingly" is important in the context of this discussion because these emotions often have the opposite effect to what is normally expected.

Erotically speaking, guilt, as well as anger and anxiety, are considered paradoxical emotions because these emotions can have an unexpected aphrodisiac effect.

Most people are familiar with the concept of "guilty pleasures," which means enjoying something that is generally not held in high regard (e.g., sleeping late, eating a container of ice cream, binge watching a TV program, etc).  How guilty pleasures are defined is very subjective.  One person's guilty pleasure is another person's idea of an ideal pastime.

If you grew up in a relatively healthy home, you learned to develop a healthy sense of guilt that allowed you to have a conscience.  With healthy guilt, if you're about to do something that goes against your personal values, a sense of healthy guilt can stop you. 

In addition, healthy guilt helps you to live as part of a community in good standing.  With no sense of healthy guilt, people would live like sociopaths who have no empathy for others and lack remorse for their behavior.

On the other hand, unhealthy guilt is neurotic guilt with a punitive conscience.  The most extreme form of neurotic guilt leads to shame where people feel they are fundamentally flawed.  

Whereas guilt comes from a sense of doing, thinking or feeling "bad things," shame is feeling like a "bad person" (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

With regard to sexual experiences, guilt is usually associated with sexual dysfunction.  According to Dr. Morin, guilt is second only to anxiety as an anti-aphrodisiac.  It's often a factor in erectile unpredictability and inhibition of sexual desire and pleasure.

Although guilt can be a sexual inhibitor, it can also be sexual enhancer--like the obstacle that heightens sexual attraction, which is part of the Erotic Equation.  

And therein lies the paradoxical nature of guilt: Guilt can be both a disrupter and an enhancer of sexual excitement (also known as an emotional aphrodisiac).

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

According to Dr. Morin, guilt as an emotional aphrodisiac is usually associated with one of the Cornerstones of Eroticism, Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules.

In Dr. Morin's research, over a third of his respondents reported their peak erotic experiences were intensified by the thrill of the forbidden.  

This might involve having sexual fantasies or actual sexual experiences with partners who are considered "inappropriate" or a risk of being discovered as in the two vignettes I discussed in my prior article about anxiety as an emotional aphrodisiac.

Clinical Vignettes: Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how guilt can be an emotional aphrodisiac when sexual prohibitions are violated:

Jane

At the end of a stressful business trip, Jane had drinks with her colleague, Bill, at their hotel bar to celebrate their new client.  It was their last day away from home before heading back to New York City, and they were both feeling good about the commission they would earn from this major sale.

As she was sipping her drink, Jane was aware that this was the first time in weeks she felt both relaxed that their work trip was almost over and exhilarated by their success.  

She was also aware of the growing sexual attraction between her and Bill while they were working on this project together.

While they were working on the project, Jane pushed these thoughts about her attraction to Bill to the back of her mind.  Before that night, when she had sexual fantasies about Bill, she suppressed these thoughts because she knew it would get in the way of their working together on the project.  

But now that the project was successfully completed, she was finding it difficult to suppress these same thoughts.  She also knew he was attracted to her too by the way he was looking at her and how he touched arm and ran his hand down her back while they were talking.

They both had significant others waiting for them back home, which made Jill feel guilty for having fantasies about Bill.  But the thought of Bill as "forbidden fruit" also intensified Jane's sexual feelings for him to the point where she agreed to go back to his room with him.

The next day, as they were preparing to fly back to New York, they talked about how guilty they felt that they slept together.  They also agreed this could never happen again.  But deep down Jill knew this would be the first of many sexual encounters with Bill and the inappropriateness of these encounters would make them hard to resist.

In this fictional scenario, we have at least three of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: 

• Violating Prohibitions 
• Longing and Anticipation
• Overcoming Ambivalence 

Since Jane and Bill weren't sociopaths, after their first sexual encounter, they both felt guilty that they cheated on their partners and about the inappropriateness of getting sexually involved with a colleague. So, after they had sex on their business trip, instead of sexual desire being at the forefront, guilt as a sexual inhibitor, an anti-aphrodisiac, was now at the forefront for both of them.  

Aside from guilt as a sexual inhibitor, there was also another paradoxical emotion, anxiety, which was linked to their fear their partners might find out about their affair.  

You might also rightfully anticipate that, at some point, if Jane and Bill continued to have an affair, there might also be another paradoxical emotion, anger.  

For instance, if Jane and Bill's guilt caused them to blame one another for the affair, their anger could, at first, cause them to stop seeing each other for a while.  But, over time, the anger could heat things up between them and become sexually arousing, which could lead to them resuming the affair.

You can see from this example how people, who are cheating could get caught in an on again, off again cycle:

• Sexual Attraction
• Guilt
• Excitement
• Remorse
• Anger
• Back to Sexual Attraction

How Does Guilt Transform From Being a Sexual Inhibitor to Being a Sexual Enhancer?

As previously mentioned, guilt is primarily associated with being a sexual inhibitor.  So, if that's the case, how does it transform from being an inhibitor to being a sexual enhancer?

The fictional vignette above provides some clues: When Jane first notices the sexual attraction between her and Bill (when they're actively working on the project), she suppresses her feelings by keeping the project they're working on in the forefront of her mind.  She is aware there's a lot riding on the success of the project so, at that point, she's able to suppress sexual desire to focus on the project.

But on their last day of their business trip, the success of the project is no longer an inhibitor.  Add to this their celebratory mood and alcohol and you can see how guilt recedes into the background and sexual excitement emerges in the foreground. 

In addition, many people are also good at compartmentalizing their guilt so they consciously (or unconsciously) push it to the back of their mind.  

An Exit Strategy Out of an Unhappy Relationship

Despite their guilt, many people use infidelity as an exit strategy from their current relationship.

Some of those people actually hope (on an unconscious level) to be caught by their significant others.  This could involve being "careless" and leaving texts, email or other telltale signs of an affair to be discovered by their partner in order to end a relationship.

Other people, who are in dull or sexless relationship, might unconsciously use the sexual excitement from an affair to make them realize they are still desirable to others and they could be happier with someone else (not necessarily the person from the affair).

Using Guilt to Spice Up Sex

Similar to the vignettes in my article about Violating Prohibitions, some couples use guilt as a way to spice up their sex life.

For instance, a couple, who is at a party, might sneak away to an empty upstairs bedroom to have sex.  Although they feel guilty and anxious about getting caught, if they push their guilt and anxiety into the background and allow sexual excitement to be in the foreground, this forbidden pleasure will be exciting.

This is similar to other violations of prohibitions, like parking on a dark street to have sex in a car.

In most cases when couples do this, they know there's a risk of getting caught, but they mostly believe they won't be caught so this allows them to push guilt and anxiety into the background.

Even if the couple who violates prohibitions never does it again, the memory of that experience can be a potent sexual enhancer for a long time as they recall the experience together and relive the memory of it (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

My next article will focus on the topic of Erotic Themes from Dr. Morin's work.

Getting Help in Therapy

Unhealthy guilt and shame can be difficult to overcome on your own.

If you have unresolved problems holding you back, seek help from a skilled licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming your problems can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

In the last several articles my focus has been on the themes in the book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by sex therapist and researcher, Dr. Jack Morin.  

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

My focus in the current article will be one of the paradoxical emotional aphrodisiacs, anxiety.  

In the context of emotional aphrodisiacs, according to Dr. Morin, anxiety includes: fear, vulnerability, worry and nervousness (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?)

Also, see my previous articles:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as a Paradoxical Emotion

To recap from a previous article: Paradoxical means seemingly contradictory. 

The word "seemingly" is important in the context of this discussion because these emotions often have the opposite effect to what is normally expected.

Erotically speaking, anxiety, as well as anger and guilt, are considered paradoxical emotions because these emotions can have an unexpected aphrodisiac effect.

Anxiety is usually thought of in terms of getting in the way of sexual arousal and pleasure.  

For instance, if a man is anxious about being able to maintain an erection, his anxiety can bring about the problem he fears, especially if he has a history of erectile unpredictability.  In that context anxiety is an anti-aphrodisiac.   

Another example is if a woman feels pressured by her partner to have an orgasm, her anxiety can get in the way of her enjoying sex and having an orgasm (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac: Risk and Violating Sexual Prohibitions

Anxiety can enhance sexual desire and pleasure in certain situations where risk is involved.

For instance, many people get turned on when they feel they're about to violate a sexual prohibition that they consider "breaking the rules," including:

• Having sex in a car parked on the street, in a park or in a public place where there is a risk of getting caught

• A sexual attraction to someone who is from another race or ethnic background when your family, religion or culture prohibits it or where the behavior would include "forbidden fruit"

• Pushing sexual boundaries 

• Having a secret sexual affair 

For many people, the fear of getting caught in a risky situation gets them excited,  (assuming that the anxiety doesn't overwhelm the excitement).

Sexual prohibitions, whether it involves behavior in real life or sexual fantasies, can be enough to get some people turned on.

Clinical Vignettes: Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

The following fictional vignettes illustrates how violating a sexual prohibition can be a real turn on:

Jean and Tom

While they were on a much-needed vacation, Jean and Tom settled into their hotel room after a busy day of sightseeing in Cancun, Mexico.

After 20 years of marriage and raising two teenage children, when they were at home, they were often too tired to have sex.  So, aside from getting away from their usual responsibilities at home and work, they also took this vacation to rekindle their sex life.  

Settling in for the night, they were both feeling a little tipsy and relaxed from the Margaritas they had at dinner.  There was something about being alone in a beachfront hotel room far away from home that got them both turned on.

Tom leaned over to kiss Jean when he noticed the opened curtains facing the beach.  But when he got up to close the curtains, Jean said playfully, "Maybe you don't have to close them all the way..."

Standing in front of the curtains, Tom was momentarily confused, but when he saw the mischievous look in Jean's eyes, he smiled and, as he closed the curtains only part of the way, he said in a teasing voice, "But there are still a few people on the beach.  They might see us having sex..."

This fantasy of people on the beach possibly watching them making love was a psychological stimulation.  It was enough to get them both sexually excited that night in a way they had not felt in a long time (see my article: Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation).

In reality, the risk of someone on the beach seeing them having sex was probably minimal. But for this couple just imagining it was enough to rekindle their passion that night.  

Even after their vacation, when they were back at home, just talking about that night and the possibility that someone might have seen them was enough to add spice to their sex life for a long time.  

Back home, when Jean and Tom talked about that experience, they both considered it to be one of their peak erotic experiences (see my article: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

At another time and in another context, a similar situation might have made both of them too anxious to enjoy sex.  But in this particular context, they were both feeling mostly relaxed and enjoying their time away.  So, in this case, instead of detracting from their sexual excitement, the anxiety added to it.

Note the elements involved that ignited their excitement, including:

• Pushing sexual boundaries by being somewhat exhibitionistic that night in their hotel room

• Taking a risk at getting caught in a public way

• Creating this secret "naughty" sexual encounter that only the two of them would ever know about 

Jill

During her friend Ina's birthday party, Jill began a conversation with Laura, a woman she recognized from another one of her friend's parties.  

After Jill and Laura chatted about how they each knew Ina, Laura suggested they go out on Ina's deck to get some fresh air and get a break from the noise of the party.  

They were both relieved by how quiet and peaceful it was on the deck, especially since they were the only ones there.  Chatting on the deck, they were surprised to discover they had a lot in common, including that they enjoyed playing tennis.

Sipping her wine, Jill suddenly became aware that she was sexually attracted to Laura.  This came as a surprise to her because she considered herself to be heterosexual and she never felt a sexual attraction for a woman before. 

This sudden awareness made Jill feel a little anxious because it was so new, but it also made her feel sexually excited.  So, when Laura moved closer and leaned in for a kiss, she discovered that Jill was receptive.  

Later that night, when they were alone in Laura's apartment, they had a passionate evening together.  It was the first of many, and after each date with Laura, Jill felt a little anxious, but also excited, about whether she could be interested in other women too (see my article: Women and Sexual Fluidity).

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Raised in a conservative religious home where sex was never discussed, Jill wasn't sure what her encounters with Laura meant to her, but she knew she enjoyed them.  

Since it was all so new to her, she decided not to mention anything to Ina or any of her other friends about her dates with Laura for the time being.  

She wanted to see how things developed.  She also wanted to keep their dates a secret--not because she was ashamed of them--but because she wanted to savor this new sexual experience (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

Note the elements in this second vignette that enhance pleasure for Jill:  

• The risk of getting caught kissing Laura on the deck

• The secret dates with Laura and the pushing of boundaries into new sexual territory for Jill who, until then, thought of herself as being exclusively heterosexual and had never realized she could be sexually attracted to women

• An element of "forbidden fruit" and even "naughtiness,"especially considering Jill's conservative, religious upbringing

Both of these vignettes also relate to the Erotic Equation, which states: Attraction + Obstacles = Sexual Excitement.

Just the Right Amount of Anxiety and Sexual Excitement

The two vignettes above demonstrate how just the right amount of anxiety and sexual excitement can enhance passion.

Often, it depends on how everything comes together in a particular situation.  

For instance, in the vignette about Jean and Tom, if they had received a call from one of their teenagers just as they were settling into their room, their mood might have been very different when Tom noticed the curtains were open.  Instead of getting excited by keeping them open a little, they both might have felt exposed (literally and psychologically) to the point where they felt too vulnerable and anxious to be playful in this way.

In the vignette with Jill, if her friend, Ina, came out and she felt embarrassed by discovering Jill and Laura kissing, Jill's anxiety would probably have been a lot higher.  This probably would have spoiled the vibe between Jill and Laura.  It might also made Jill think of her parents and her strict religious upbringing in a way where her anxiety would have been overwhelming.

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

Aside from Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules, there are many other scenarios relating to Dr. Morin's other The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism where anxiety can act like an emotional aphrodisiac, including:

• Longing and Anticipation: The slight anxiety experienced before a first date where there is a strong sexual attraction

• Searching For Power: The combination of anxiety and a lot of sexual excitement involved with a couple trying bondage for the first time (see my articles:  What is Power Play? and Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission)

• Overcoming Ambivalence: The transformation of reluctance and anxiety to sexual excitement in a situation in a someone has sex with a person who feels mildly dangerous and exciting (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Some Women?).

There is much more that could be said for how anxiety, in the right amount, can add to sexual excitement, but I hope I have given you some basic concepts.

In my next article, I'll focus on how guilt can be an emotional aphrodisiac.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at certain point in their life.

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming unresolved problems can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing.

I am a sex positive therapist, who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

I began a discussion about emotional aphrodisiacs based on Dr. Jack Morin's book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, in my last article, What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?. 

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

The current article is part of a series which you can read as a standalone article, but to get a more in depth understanding of emotional aphrodisiacs, you can read my prior articles in the following order: 

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

A Brief and Important Note: When I refer to anger, I'm referring to common experiences that everyone has with anger.  I'm not referring to out of control or violent behavior.  Also, consent between two capable adults is essential in all sexual activities.

Anger as a Paradoxical Emotion

To recap from my last article:  Anger is a paradoxical emotion.

Paradoxical means seemingly contradictory.  

The word "seemingly" is important in the context of this discussion because these emotions often have the opposite effect to what is normally expected.

Erotically speaking, anger, as well as guilt and anxiety, are considered paradoxical emotions because these emotions can have an unexpected aphrodisiac effect.

For instance, anger's unexpected aphrodisiac effect can be seen in the heat of the moment when a couple is having an argument and the stress hormone, cortisol, spikes. At that point, people often yearn for a release of the tension as well as the closeness that sex can provide.  

This is one of the reasons why "make up sex" can be so hot after an argument.

Angry Sex and Romance Novels

Angry sex is the kind of sex written about in bodice-ripping romance novels where the hero and heroine can no longer contain their passion.

In these stories, even before the anger, the two main characters have each experienced a build up of eroticism (based on terms coined by Dr. Morin, which are The Erotic Equation and the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism).

Popular romance novels usually include the following elements before the hero and heroine get to live happily ever after:

• sexual attraction and obstacles: This often occurs when the hero and heroine meet, feel an attraction, but they can't be together due to societal norms, customs or other issues that get in their way.

• longing and anticipation: Long and anticipation develop because, even though they can't be together (at least not at the beginning of the story), they can't stop thinking about each other obsessively.

• violating prohibitions by breaking the rules: Their longing and anticipation is often fueled by the prohibitions that keep them apart. When they can no longer contain their longing for each other, they might find a way to have a secret meeting alone.  The secret meeting away from disapproving eyes is also taboo.

• overcoming ambivalence: Overcoming their ambivalence is usually the stage where they overcome the prohibitions that keep them apart as well the anger they feel about it.  In a fit of passion, they overcome their ambivalence, throw caution to the wind, and consummate their passion for each other.

Whether you love them or hate them, romance novels are a billion dollar industry, and the elements described above is what often makes them so popular.  

Readers get to imagine themselves as part of the story, so they experience the passion vicariously through the characters with a guaranteed happy ending.

Angry Sex in Movies

There are also many examples of angry sex in movies. 

One example is in the classic movie, From Here to Eternity, winner of eight Academy Awards.

Initially, there is a build up of thwarted passion between Sgt. Milton Warden (Burt Lancaster) and Karen Holmes (Deborah Kerr) before they have that iconic passionate scene on the beach.  

At the beginning of the movie, they try to resist each other because Karen is married to Warden's superior, Captain Dana Holmes.  Warden risks going to jail if they are caught having a love affair and Karen risks getting caught cheating on her husband.

Prior to their involvement, the anger each of them feels is for one another and the sexual attraction they are trying to resist, and towards Captain Holmes for mistreating Karen and being an obstacle to their romance.  Then, there is also the overall tense situation they find themselves in as they are anticipating war.

In the dynamic between Milton and Karen, there are the same elements as in many romance novels, including: attraction, obstacles, longing and anticipation, breaking the rules and, ultimately, overcoming ambivalence with their love scene on the beach.

Angry Sex in Real Life

When it works, angry sex can be passionate, fiery and exciting.  It can also release tension and frustration built up during the course of an argument when cortisol spikes.

An example of angry sex not working is when a couple uses angry sex is avoid having a difficult conversation.  

In addition to serving as a release, angry sex can help a couple to reconnect and repair.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette illustrates how anger adds to eroticism between two consenting adults in a relationship:

Jill and Ted

After dating for a year, Ted moved in with Jill after the lease on his apartment expired.

Before they moved in together, they got along well and they loved spending time together.  Aside from the love they shared, they also shared similar interests and values.

But after Ted moved in, tension gradually mounted as they encountered differences they had not anticipated.

It all started when Ted told Jill that he didn't have enough space for his clothes in their shared closet.  

Jill thought she was generous with the space she allowed Ted, so she felt annoyed.  Even though she tried to hide her anger from Ted, he could tell she was angry.  But neither of them addressed it.

Grudgingly, Jill made more space for Ted's clothes in her closet.  She felt this was a big compromise.  But, from Jill's perspective, no sooner had she made the space than Ted was complaining that it was hard for him to feel like the apartment was also his because it only had Jill's furniture and possessions.  He wanted to put up some of his pictures and add pieces of his furniture.

After a few days of building anger and tension, they had a big argument.  First, Jill accused Ted of trying to take over the space in the apartment, and then Ted countered that Jill was being selfish.  

After hurling angry accusations at each other, at the peak of their argument they both looked at each other and Ted said, "Are you feeling as turned on as I am?" and when Jill nodded, they both fell into bed and had the most passionate sex they had ever had in their relationship.

Afterwards, in the afterglow of their lovemaking, they cuddled in each other's arms.  By then, the anger had subsided to the point where they could repair their differences, talk calmly about their problems and make compromises.

Conclusion

Anger as an emotional aphrodisiac is a common theme that often comes up in novels, movies, TV programs as well as in real life.

Anger is also considered a paradoxical emotion because its seemingly contradictory to what we normally think of as leading to passionate sex. But once you consider familiar examples, it makes sense why anger can lead to passionate sex.

Without realizing it, some couples rely on anger as an aphrodisiac, especially in unstable relationships where there are frequent breakups and makeups (see my article: The On Again, Off Again Relationship).

The uncertainty involved with unstable relationships is what usually makes them so fiery and passionate.  But, in the long run, these relationships are unhealthy and they usually don't last.

Some couples use angry sex to avoid having difficult conversations.  The problem with this is obvious: Problems in the relationship don't get resolved.  So, context is important.

Occasional angry sex in a stable relationship (where there are two capable consenting adults) can be exciting and fun as well as serve as an emotional repair between the two individuals.

In upcoming articles I will discuss the other emotional aphrodisiacs, which are also paradoxical emotions, anxiety and guilt.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems, you're not alone.  

Everyone needs help at some point.

Working through unresolved problems with a licensed mental health professional can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

My last several articles have focused on concepts from Dr. Jack Morin's book,  The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment.  

See my previous articles: 

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism? 

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation, 

Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules, 

Searching For Power 

Overcoming Ambivalence

Emotional Aphrodisiacs

The Historical Search For Aphrodisiacs

Named after Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love and beauty, aphrodisiacs are often thought of as foods or substances used to enhance sexual desire. 

Historically, the quest for aphrodisiacs has led seekers to explore the far corners of the world in search of the magical substance or "love potion" that will enhance sexual desire.  

In recent times, scientists have been interested in the biochemistry of love and attraction.  

Although the perfect sex-enhancing substance remains elusive, sex researchers have discovered that emotions can be powerful sexual energizers, which is the focus of this article.

Emotions Associated With Peak Erotic Experiences

According to Dr. Morin, sex therapist and researcher, whereas The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism are the building blocks of eroticism, emotions are the sexual energizers or sexual intensifiers of eroticism because they can have a powerful impact on sexual arousal and fulfillment. 

Let's see why:

Based on his research, Dr. Morin identifies the following emotions as the ones most associated with peak erotic experiences (see my article: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences):

• Exuberance including joy, celebration, surprise, freedom, euphoria and pride

• Satisfaction including contentment, happiness, relaxation and security

• Closeness including love, tenderness, affection, connection, unity (oneness) and appreciation

• Anxiety including fear, vulnerability, weakness, worry and nervousness

• Guilt including remorse, naughtiness, dirtiness, and shame

• Anger including hostility, contempt, hatred, resentment and revenge

Exuberance and Satisfaction As Response Emotions

Exuberance and satisfaction are emotions that are commonly thought of as being very important to peak erotic experiences.  

However, according to Dr. Morin's research, these emotions aren't emotional aphrodisiacs because they don't produce or intensify sexual arousal.  

Exuberance and satisfaction are response emotions because, instead being the cause of sexual arousal, they are the rewards of arousal.

Emotional Aphrodisiacs:  Closeness, Anxiety, Guilt and Anger

When most people think of emotions associated with peak sexual experiences, they usually think of ideal emotions such as love, tenderness, closeness and affection.  

They don't usually think of the so-called "negative" emotions like anxiety, guilt and anger (in reality, emotions are not positive or negative but people often think of them in that way).

Anxiety, guilt and anger are usually thought of as being the opposite of emotional aphrodisiacs because they are associated with disrupting sexual enjoyment.  

But under certain circumstances these emotions can enhance sexual pleasure.

When anxiety, anger and guilt act as sexual enhancers, they are considered paradoxical emotions.

What Are Paradoxical Emotions?

Paradoxical means that something is seemingly contradictory.  

The word "seemingly" is important in the context of our discussion about paradoxical emotions because these emotions often have the opposite effect to what is normally expected.

As previously mentioned, contrary to popular opinion, emotions are neither positive nor negative. 

In addition, emotions are also often fluid because they can transform into each other.

Erotically speaking, anger, guilt and anxiety are considered paradoxical emotions because these emotions can have an unexpected aphrodisiac effect.

For instance, anger's unexpected aphrodisiac effect can be seen in the heat of the moment when a couple is having an argument and the stress hormone, cortisol, spikes.  

When cortisol spikes during an argument, people often yearn for the closeness that sex provides.  

This is one of the reasons why "make up sex" can be so hot after an argument.

Since the topic of emotional aphrodisiacs is complex, I'll discuss this further in my upcoming articles:

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Working through unresolved problems can lead to happier, more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I am a sex positive therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.