Wellness: Safe Place Meditation

In the prior post, Wellness and Meditation I explored basic meditative techniques. I suggested that you can start by focusing on your breath.

Safe Place Meditation

Safe Place Meditation
As I mentioned in the prior post, there are many different types of meditation. One type of meditation that I usually teach clients is called the Safe Place meditation, which I'll explore in this post.

Now, "safe" is a relative term. For some people, possibly due to their history of trauma, there might not be anywhere that they can visualize that would be "safe." So, if you're not comfortable with the words "safe place," you can think of it as a relaxing, peaceful place. Over time, practice usually makes it easier.

As I mentioned in the prior post, assuming that you're in a good place to meditate (never when you're drving or when you need to be fully alert), start by closing your eyes and focusing on your breath. After a few relaxing breaths, picture a relaxing, peaceful place. It might be a beach or your favorite place in the countryside or wherever it feels most relaxing to you.

Whatever place you choose, look around in your mind's eye and notice what's there--the colors, shapes and patterns of things around you. Really take time to notice. 

Then, notice what sounds you "hear" in this place. So, if you're at the beach, maybe you hear the sound of the waves as they crash along the shore or maybe you hear the sea gulls as they fly over the water. 

Then, just notice any scents you might "smell." Once again, if you're at the beach, maybe you smell the salt from the water. 

You might also "taste" the salt. Notice any sensations you might "feel." At the beach, you might feel the breeze coming off the water or the coolness of the water against your toes or maybe you feel the gentle heat from the sun warming your body.

If any distracting thoughts come to mind, as they often do for most people, just notice them and let them go. Let them drift by like clouds passing by overhead. 

When you're ready to return, take a couple of deep breaths. You can wiggle your fingers or toes so that you're alert and fully present in your environment. Then, open your eyes.

Meditation Practice
Meditation takes practice. If you have difficulty visualizing or imagining using your other senses, don't worry about it. It usually becomes easier over time. 

In the meantime, enjoy the Safe Place meditation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

Please feel free to call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me to set up an appointment.

Stressful Workplace? Remember to Breathe

In a prior blog post, I discussed the boss who is a bully in the workplace (Are You a Bully at Work?).  I'd like to focus today on stress management in a stressful work environment. 

Aside from bullying bosses, there are many other potential stressors that can be detrimental to your health, well being, and your relationships with your loved ones. Knowing what works for you with regard to destressing is crucial when you work in a stressful work environment.

Stressful Workplace? Remember to Breathe

Stress at Work

For many people who are fortunate enough to have a job in this long recession, the fear of losing one's job is never far away. Even if you work in the most ideal work environment with the most supportive boss and congenial coworkers, given the economy, the potential for losing your job is a common workplace stressor.

I've often heard people these days talk about being extra cautious about taking off sick days. Other people become anxious, when they go on vacation, about what might go wrong with their projects while they're away.

Some people have even shortened their vacations because they're too anxious to stay away from the workplace for any length of time. When we look at this in a calmer, more rational way, we can see this is counterproductive. But for someone who fears that something bad could come up while he or she is away, this is a very real dilemma. So, given our current economic times, you can be under a lot of stress even in the most even the ideal workplace setting.

But most people aren't working in ideal workplace settings. They're dealing with difficult or bullying bosses or uncooperative coworkers and a myriad of other workplace stressors. So, no matter what type of workplace you go to every workday, it's essential that you have a stress management regime that works for you. Finding out what works best for you might take some exploration, trial and error, and an openness to trying new things.

Square Breathing to De-stress at Work

One simple thing that anyone can do is to remember to breathe. I know that, on the face of it, this might sound odd. After all, we all have to breathe in order to survive. But many people, without realizing it, hold their breathe for periods of time or they breathe in a way that's so shallow that they're not getting enough oxygen into their systems. Poor breathing habits can cause panic attacks. A steady flow of breathing can help you to discharge stressful energy.

Stressful Workplace? Remember to Breathe

I often recommend to clients that they practice rhythmic breathing where they breathe in to the count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, and then hold out to the count of 4, and then repeat the cycle of a few more times. This is called Square Breathing. The count doesn't so much matter--you can do it to the count of 5 or 6 or whatever feels comfortable that's more than 4. The important thing is to do all breathing in, out, and holding to the same count.

People are often amazed at how calming this can be. And, it's relatively easy so most people can do it fairly easily.

Developing your own ways to destress in a stressful workplace is essential. Square Breathing is one technique that can help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my blog post:  An Internal Retreat 

Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat

Learning to Relax:  Going on an Internal Retreat

Taking time to yourself to relax is an important part of self care, especially for people who spend most of their time taking care of others.  Generally, when we think of retreats, we think of going away somewhere to get away from everything.  

Places like Omega in Rhinebeck, NY or Kripalu in Lenox, MA offer retreats for people who want to relax and get away from it all for a day, a weekend or longer.   

But there are times when we can't get a way to a spa or a weekend retreat.  So, can we get some of the benefits of going on a retreat without actually going anywhere?

What is a "retreat"?
Let's first look at the definition of the word "retreat."

Here are some common definitions:

     "a place of privacy; a place affording peace and quiet"

     "move away, as for privacy"

     "hideaway: an area where you can be alone"


Going on an Internal Retreat

An Internal Retreat:  Relaxation, Peace, Calm

Notice that in these particular definitions above it says nothing about having to book a spa weekend or a yoga or spiritual retreat. The emphasis is on moving away and finding privacy to find peace and quiet.

So while a retreat can be an external place, more importantly, it's a calm internal place that you go to in your mind when you have quiet and privacy to enter into that part of your internal world.

It's so important to your personal well being to have a time and place where you can retreat into your internal world and relax for at least a few minutes. Most people know this, but it's so easy forget.

Internal Retreat:  Taking a Few Minutes to Yourself to Relax

When you have privacy and some quiet time, an internal retreat can be as little as 5 or 10 minutes of just focusing on your breathing. Often, it's a matter of developing this habit and making it a regular part of your normal day. The benefits to your overall health and well being can be tremendous.

We can learn a lot from our pets, who know how to relax at just about any time and place.

Our Pets Can Teach Us a Lot About How to Relax

If you do get a chance to go out into nature, even if it's just for a short time, you can feel refreshed and rejuvenated.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.   I work with individual adults and couples.  

I help clients in my psychotherapy practice to learn self care and how to relax in their everyday lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my articles on Mindfulness Meditation and Solitude vs Loneliness.


Photo Credits:  Photo Pin

Relationships: Coping with Infidelity

One of the most difficult and heart breaking situations for a couple to deal with is infidelity.

Deciding whether to stay or leave the relationship after you discover that your partner has been unfaithful is a hard decision to make. It's a very individual decision. 

Coping With Infidelity

For some people, finding out about a partner's infidelity, no matter what the reasons or circumstances, is beyond what they can ever tolerate or accept. There is no question in their minds that they are leaving. 

But for others, although they are very hurt, they decide to try to work it out. After the initial shock, they might feel that they've invested too much in the relationship to end it. It might surprise you that many couples are able to reconcile after infidelity and that their relationships are actually stronger as a result. This is not an endorsement for staying or leaving. It's simply an observation.

See my article:  Relationships: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

What are the various types of infidelity?
Infidelity can involve a one-time sexual encounter with someone outside the relationship. It can be a longstanding affair. It can also be a series of encounters with many different people. This is often, although not always, the case with people who engage in out of control sexual behavior. 

It can be encounters in person or encounters online in chat rooms or on various Internet and social media sites. Infidelity is not always sexual. Sometimes infidelity involves getting one's primary emotional needs met by someone else or it can be both. When the affair is strictly emotional, it can be more difficult to resolve sometimes because your partner might not see it as infidelity. However, if it's taking away from the primary relationship, it's a problem.  Both men and women cheat on their spouses and partners.  Infidelity occurs in heterosexual and gay relationships.

Infidelity on Social Media Sites

Why do people cheat?
The reasons that people give for cheating are numerous and complex. Often, the reason that people give is that they're unhappy in their relationship. They might feel that their partner is not paying enough attention to them, and they don't know how to express it without acting out. They might be angry and use infidelity to retaliate against the partner. For other people, they might have grown up in a household where infidelity was tolerated, so it's become commonplace in their minds. In other instances, people have a hard time making a commitment to one person, so they use another relationship to defuse the intensity of the primary relationship. In other instances, people don't know how to end their primary relationship so they enter into another relationship unconsciously hoping that they'll be found out and this will end the relationship. There can be so many other reasons.

What are the factors that contribute to a couple surviving infidelity:
One important factor is the quality of the relationship and how stable it was before the infidelity. All other things being equal, the more stable it was, the more likely it is that the problem can be worked out if both people are willing to work it out. It is essential that the partner who is cheating end the other relationship before anything can be worked out in the primary relationship. 

One of the most important factors is whether trust can be regained. Sometimes, even when both people are willing to work out the relationship, it doesn't work out because the partner who was cheated on just cannot learn to trust the cheating partner again. Without trust, most relationships don't survive.

Should You Stay or Should You Go?
What should you do if you find out your partner has been cheating? No one can tell you what to do. Well-meaning friends and relatives might try to give you advise, whether to stay or go, but it's your decision. Anyway, this is between you and your partner and it's not for others to decide. 

In most cases, it's better not to make any immediate decisions while you're still in shock. You need time and space to carefully consider your options. If infidelity has been an ongoing problem with your partner throughout your relationship, you might feel differently than if there was one encounter. Much will depend on whether you feel you can trust your partner again.

Regaining trust:
If you and your partner decide to try to work it out, know that it will probably take a while (for some people, months or years) to regain trust, if it can be regained at all. You must insist that your partner give up the other relationship(s). If your partner won't agree to this, he or she is not ready to honor the commitment to your relationship and you must face this.

See my article: Regaining Trust After the Affair

What if you both decide to try to salvage your relationship, but you're having problems getting past the hurt and anger?

Many couples, even when they decide to try to reconcile, have problems working out their problems on their own. They might find themselves coming to the same impasse over and over again. If that's your situation, it's best to seek the help of a licensed psychotherapist who works with couples. 

Friends and family members, even if they have the best of intentions, will usually add to the confusion. Even if you decide to end the relationship, if you can, it's better to find a way to end it in a constructive way, especially if there are children involved and you must remain in contact about them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime

One of the most common issues that women bring into their psychotherapy sessions is their relationship with their mothers. The bond between mothers and daughters can be complicated, whether they are currently positive or problematic. We are born "hard wired" to bond to our primary caregivers.  Most of the time, this is our mother.  Generally speaking, mothers and daughters tend to have a stronger bond than mothers and sons, and these relationships can change over the course of a lifetime, often in surprising ways.

Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime

Problems in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

Problems often arise in the mother-daughter relationship when an insecure mother has difficulty allowing the daughter to have age-appropriate independence. Starting at around the age of 18 months to two years of age, most babies (both boys and girls) begin to want to assert themselves, sometimes in ways that are confusing for mothers. 

This is often called "the terrible twos" from the perspective of mothers struggling to cope with babies who are constantly saying "No!" to almost everything, including things they might really want. From a developmental perspective, this is exactly what needs to happen at this stage of the baby's development, even though it might be frustrating for the mother.

We Are Hard Wired to Bond With Our Mothers

The other stage that can be challenging in terms of a daughter gaining age-appropriate autonomy is adolescence. As an adolescent, a teens' peer relationships usually become more important as compared to earlier stages in a child's life. Teenage girls often give more credence to their friends' opinions than their parents' opinions at this stage. For a mother who has a hard time allowing her daughter to have more independence from her, this can be a challenging time, even when teenage daughters are using good judgment and have positive friendships.

This is often the time when power struggles abound and mother-daughter relationships break down. These struggles can continue into the adult child's 20s, 30s and beyond. Mothers who are insecure about allowing their teenage daughters to have a reasonable degree of independence often had conflictual relationships with their own mothers with the same issues. As a result, they are often ill prepared to handle this phase of their daughters' development and this stage in the mother-daughter relationship.

For mothers who had enmeshed relationships with their own mothers, they often expect to have the same type of relationship with their daughters--even if the enmeshed relationship with their own mothers was fraught with difficulties. Often, in these cases, it becomes increasingly difficult for these mothers to accept that their daughters, who may be in their 20s, 30s or older have their own separate lives where a spouse or partner is now the daughter's primary relationship.

The Mother-Daughter Bond

The mother-daughter bond, which is so ingrained, usually becomes the template for future relationships. When the template is a good one, this bodes well for future friendships and romantic relationships. But when there are serious problems, including trauma, this often leads to traumatic bonding in future relationships where the same type of problematic bonding is unconsciously recreated in future relationships. Of course, women can learn to overcome this dynamic, but it usually takes time and effort in therapy.

Problems in Mother-Daughter Relationships Can Be Worked Through

The good news is that many of these problematic issues in mother-daughter relationships can be worked out in psychotherapy if both people are willing. Initially, this might mean that the mother and daughter attend individual therapy to understand the role they are each playing in the dynamic. Then, if appropriate, the mother and daughter might attend therapy together to work through the problems together, assuming that both people are willing.

As a psychotherapist, I've seen many mother-daughter relationships improve over time when both people are willing to make the necessary commitment to work through these issues with open minds.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy as well as mind-body oriented therapy such as EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with the Loss of a Pet

Our Pets Are Part of Our Families
We love and nurture our pets and they bring us joy. So when a beloved pet dies, it can feel as devastating as the death of a close relative. We can grieve as profoundly as losing our best friends, and for some of us, they are our best friends.

Coping with the Loss of a Pet

Whether you've had your pet for a short time or for years, it's very sad when they pass from your life. After the loss of a pet, you need emotional support from other people who understand. Often, people who don't have pets don't understand how normal and natural it is to feel very sad after a pet has died.

Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
So, what can you do to help yourself feel better? Just like with the death of a person who is close to you, know that it will probably take time to heal from this loss. Allow yourself to take the time to grieve and don't judge yourself for the depth of your feelings.

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

You will probably go through many of the same feelings that I discussed in my last article about losing a loved one. Some people find it helpful to make a scrapbook of photos or special mementos related to their pet. Other people find it comforting to keep an urn with their pet's ashes. No one can tell you what will be right for you.

People often ask me if they should go out and buy another pet immediately. For most people, this is not helpful. For one thing, you're still grieving for your pet who just died, and you're probably not open to accepting a new pet into your heart and home.

You might also feel guilty if you get another pet too soon--like you're betraying the pet that you just lost. If you get a new pet immediately, without even realizing it, you might also expect that pet to be just like your last pet when, in reality, each pet has his or her own personality.

The other reason that it's usually not a good idea to get another pet immediately is that you might be doing this to avoid dealing with your grief. When the time is right, after you've gone through a natural period of grief, you can open your heart again and enjoy having a new pet.

Our Pets Bring Us Joy

The important thing to know is that grief usually subsides over time if you allow yourself to feel your feelings.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples. 

I have helped many people to cope with the loss.

To find out more about me, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Our Expectations and Beliefs Affect Us

How Do Our Expectations and Beliefs Affect Us?

In her book, Counterclockwise, Dr. Ellen Langer describes how our expectations and beliefs affect our own lives as well as other people in our lives. She makes a strong case that our thoughts and feelings affect our health and the aging process. According to Dr. Langer, the first step is to become mindfully aware of our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and others.

As part of her research, Dr. Langer conducted social experiments with the elderly in a nursing home to see how beliefs, self perceptions and a sense of autonomy affect health. In the experimental group, she encouraged residents to make more decisions for themselves. They were encouraged to make their own decisions about where they saw visitors and when to watch movies. They were also given an opportunity to choose a house plant as well as when and how much to water it. The control group was given house plants, but they were told that the nursing home staff would water it.

After a year and a half, Dr. Langer discovered that the first group was much happier and alert, based on tests that were administered before and after the experiment. The first group was also much healthier and, on average, lived longer than the second group. She discovered that being allowed to make choices created mindfulness and helped the residents to be more engaged in their lives. Being happier, more mindful, and having a sense of autonomy contributed to the first group's longevity.

When we think about how, even in the best nursing homes, the staff often have such low expectations of residents and how few choices residents can make in their daily lives, Dr. Langer's research is compelling.

Recently, I went to visit my aunt in a nursing home. She has dementia, but she still knows who she is and who I am. When a new nurse came by with his chart, instead of asking my aunt her name, he turned to me and asked, "What's her name?" I saw my aunt's expression change from being engaged to looking disconnected. I wondered how many times the residents in this nursing home are objectified in this way, and it made me feel angry. I responded to him by turning to my aunt and asking her her name. She perked up suddenly and announced her name in a strong and confident voice.

Without realizing it, we all create self fulfilling prophesies. This nurse, who seemed kind and efficient in other ways, had certain beliefs and expectations of the nursing home residents in general and my aunt in particular. Anyone who has spent time around people with dementia knows that it can vary a lot in the same person from day to day or even in the same day or hour. But what happens when a person with dementia, who still knows who she is, is treated like she's incapable of responding to question asking her name? Based on the brief interaction I saw with my aunt and the nurse and the research that Dr. Langer has done, we disempower people. I saw very clearly how my aunt went from being engaged one moment to being disengaged the next when she was objectified by the nurse. Was the nurse being intentionally cruel and rude? That's not my impression. I think he was simply engaging in his duties in a mindless way, trying to get through his tasks as efficiently as possible.

Even though there might be variability from day to day for a person who has dementia, why not start out assuming the best instead of the worst? How much more empowering this would be! This can apply not only to the elderly, who are often stereotyped, but to any group of people.

For an eye-opening look at how we can all learn to become more mindful in our everyday interactions, I recommend reading Ellen Langer's book, Counterclockwise. The implications of Dr. Langer's work are very powerful for all of us. And, the next time I visit my aunt at the nursing home, I might give a copy of this book to the nursing staff.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides dynamic talk therapy, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapy to individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.



Photo Credit:  Photo Pin