Follow

Translate

NYC Psychotherapist Blog

power by WikipediaMindmap

Sunday, March 16, 2025

What Are Transactional Relationships?

I've written many prior articles about relationships. I've included a list of a few of them at the bottom of this post.  You can also go to my website to find more under the headings of "Relationships" and "EFT Couples Therapy."

Transactional Relationships

In the current article I'm focusing on transactional relationships (see my article: Are You in a Transactional Relationship?).

What Are Transactional Relationships?
Transactional relationships are relationships where each person does things for the other in anticipation of getting something back in return. 

Transactional relationships are usually conditional in the sense that one or both people have expectations of what they want to get in return based on what they are willing to give. Usually if one or both people aren't getting what they want, the relationship ends.

Transactional relationships are based on reciprocity: An expected give-and-take between partners in the relationship. 

In transactional relationships, individuals prioritize what they can get from their partner, including financial support, social status, sex or other personal needs, over genuine emotional connection.  In that sense, these relationships are often superficial and lacking in emotional depth.

What Are Examples of Transactional Relationships?
The following are some examples of highly transactional relationships:
  • Marriages of Convenience: These relationships focus on things like a visa, social status, and financial gain rather than love and genuine emotional connection. 
  • Transactional Dating: These are dating relationships where one or both people have an expectation of what they will get in the relationship. An example of this would be that a heterosexual man buys a woman dinner and expects sex in exchange or vice versa. There is little to no emotional connection or commitment.
Transactional Relationships: Friends With Benefits
  • Career-Oriented Relationships: These relationships focus primarily on how their partner(s) can help them advance their career rather than focusing on emotional connection.
Transactional Relationships: Sugar Relationships
  • Sugar Relationships (also known as Sugar Dating): These relationships usually involve one person being financially successful and supporting another financially or providing other concrete benefits to another person, who is often younger and more attractive, in exchange for sex or companionship. These are often short-term relationships with little to no expectation of commitment or emotional connection.
What Are the Characteristics of Transactional Relationships?
The following are some of the common characteristics of transactional relationships:
  • Expectations: Both partners usually understand the expectations involved. For instance, if one person is paying for dinner with the expectation of sex, the other person is usually aware of this and either goes along with it because this is what they want (or need) or they don't necessarily like it, but they go along with it for their own personal reasons--even when they might feel ambivalent about it (see my article: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).
  • Goal Oriented: There is a goal-oriented mindset in these types of relationships. This can involve financial goals, companionship, sex and so on. There is often little to no emotional spontaneity in transactional relationships. This can leave one or both people feeling lonely in the relationship due to the lack of emotional connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).
Transactional Relationships: Goal-Oriented Relationships
  • Limited or No Emotional Depth: Emotional connection isn't usually the focus of transactional romantic relationships--although this doesn't mean there isn't any emotional connection. It just means it's not the primary focus because of the goal-oriented nature of the relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).
Transactional Relationships: Limited Commitment and Emotional Depth
  • Difference in Power Dynamics: There is often a difference in power in these relationships where one person has more power including money, social status or other resources. However, it can be difficult to distinguish who has the power at any given time in certain relationships. For instance, in sugar relationships, even though the younger and more attractive person, who is providing sex or companionship, might appear to have less power, they might actually have more power in certain relationships. They are often the ones who dictate the terms based on their desirability. This is generally true in most transactional relationships. It's not always easy to say who really has the power at any given time especially in transactional relationships and power  dynamics might change (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).
How Can Couples Therapy Help?
If you and your partner are on the same wavelength in a transactional relationship, you might be satisfied, at least for now, with your relationship. 

But if you're not happy with the relationship dynamics and you are either trying to understand the complex dynamic or you want to change the dynamics, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).

A skilled couples therapist can help you both to understand the dynamics in your relationship and, if both partners agree, try to make changes so you're both happier.

If there's no possibility of change, an experienced couples therapist can help you to end the relationship with integrity and compassion.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you have been struggling in your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you with your problem (see my article: What Happens in Couples Therapy?)

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles About Relationships









Wednesday, March 12, 2025

How Does Parts Work Therapy Like IFS and Ego States Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself?

The current article discusses how Parts Work Therapy, including IFS (Internal Family Systems) and Ego States Therapy, can help you to understand yourself.

What is Parts Work Therapy?
Let's start with the basics about Parts Work.

Parts Work Therapy

Parts Work Therapy is a type of Experiential Therapy which incorporates the mind-body connection.

Parts Work Therapy is a general term that encompasses different types of therapy including IFS and Ego State Therapy.

Ego States Therapy was developed by John Watkins, Ph.D and Helen Watkins M.A. in the 1970s to treat traumatized clients. Ego States Therapy combines elements of psychodynamic psychotherapy and hypnotherapy to look at various parts of a client's personality.  The Watkins developed Ego States Therapy to work with traumatized clients.

IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy was developed by Richard C. Schwartz in the 1980s.  Similar to Ego States Therapy, IFS also looks at various aspects of a client's personality. Schwartz, who is a family therapist, began to notice patterns in his work as a family therapist, including certain alliances and conflicts between family members, which were similar to various parts of an individual client's personality. Similar to Ego States Therapy, IFS was developed to work with traumatized clients.

How Does Parts Work Therapy Work?
Regardless of whether a psychotherapist uses Ego States Therapy or IFS, she uses Parts Work to explore the various aspects of a client's personality.

Parts Work Therapy

IFS and Ego States Therapy practitioners believe that everyone is made up of various personality subparts that might be in conflict with each other or might be aligned (similar to individual family members who might be either aligned or in conflict with each other).

Each of these parts has their own individual perspectives, beliefs, thoughts and feelings. 

These parts are often unconscious, which makes it difficult to work with on your own before you're familiar with Parts Work.

The goal of Parts Work Therapy is to identify the various parts related to the client's presenting problem, engage with each part compassionately, resolve conflicts between parts and integrate the various parts so they work together in a healthy way.

Example of Parts Work Therapy   

The Client's Presenting Problem:
The following example,which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information omitted, is a simplified illustration of Parts Work Therapy:

Joe's presenting problem is that he feels scared and conflicted about whether to take a new job.  

Part of him would like to take the new job offer because he would make more money and he would advance in his career. But another part of him is afraid he will fail if he takes the new job.

Parts Work Therapy

The Parts Work therapist's job is to help the client to explore and identify the various parts involved in the presenting problem.

There can be many different types of parts and combinations of parts involved in any given presenting problem.  This example represents a simplified illustration where there are three parts involved (in many cases, there are more than three parts).

Using Parts Work Therapy,  Joe and his therapist identify three parts of himself that create his inner conflict:
  • A Younger Child Part:  A six or seven years old frightened child part
  • An Inner Critic Part: A part that developed around the age of seven that internalized the clients' critical parents
  • A Caretaker Part: A part that developed in the client's early teens who has a compassionate attitude towards the client
Joe discovers that the younger child part of himself is frightened to make a change. He also realizes that this is the part that tends to get frightened whenever he is considering making a change.

He also discovers that the inner critic part is adding to the younger child part's fear by engaging in negative talk like, "You're not good enough to take this other job. You're better off sticking with the job you know, even though you're making less money, because if you take the new job, you're going to fail. Stick with what's familiar so you're safe."

Joe recognizes that this inner critic part, which integrated his critical parents, also developed early in his childhood. 

His Parts Work therapist helps Joe to see that, even though this part comes across as critical, it also has "good intentions" because it's trying to protect Joe from the possibility of failure.  

Joe identifies the caretaker part of himself which developed during his teenage years when he had to fend for himself most of the time because his parents were preoccupied with their own problems. Since he couldn't rely on them to help him, he had to develop (on an unconscious level) this caretaker part to help him through difficult situations.

Joe discovered in Parts Work Therapy that the caretaker part integrated aspects of several important people in his life including his high school basketball coach and his English teacher.

Joe's Parts Work therapist helped Joe to have a dialog with each of these parts so he could understand them better. Then, his therapist helped to facilitate a discussion among the three parts so he could understand their dynamic together and how their ongoing dialog created inner conflict for him.

Through these discussions, Joe's Parts Work therapist helped Joe to befriend and speak compassionately to his inner critic. 

He let the inner critic part know that he understood the inner critic's primary goal was to protect Joe from failure and disappointment. However, he needed the inner critic to step aside temporarily so he could make a decision about the new job offer.

In his dialog with the inner critic, Joe assured the part that he wasn't getting rid of him--he was merely asking him to take a back seat temporarily. 

In saying this, Joe recognized that there were aspects of this critical part that could be useful (without the criticism) to help him in the future. 

Parts Work Therapy

For instance, the inner critic part tended to be careful and cautious. If that part could be softened so it was no longer critical, it could be valuable in another situation that was risky. However, in the current presenting problem, Joe knew objectively that he would most likely succeed in the new job--he just didn't feel that way because of the conflict between the parts.

Once the inner critic part had a chance to be heard, it was willing to step aside, as many parts are often willing to do when asked to do so. That allowed the caretaker part to soothe the younger child part so that Joe no longer felt conflicted about his decision.

How Parts Work Therapy Like IFS and Ego States Therapy Help You to Understand Yourself
The example above, which is a simplified version of this type of therapy, illustrates how Parts Work Therapy can help you.

The client identified the presenting problem. Then, the Parts Work therapist helped the client to identify the various aspects of himself that were involved with the problem.

If the same client presented with a different problem, he might identify a different set of parts.

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Done Online

Once the parts were identified, the client discovered how each part functioned individually as well as how they interact with each other. He also realized how a certain part, the inner critic, was getting in the way.  

At the same time, he realized that no part is bad and no part is meant to be discarded or gotten rid of because every part has good intentions, even though they might be going about things in a distorted way. The problematic part just needs to be worked with so it can function in a healthy way.

Once Joe was able to ask the inner critic to step away, he was freed up to allow the caretaker part to nurture the frightened child part so that Joe could make the decision that he objectively knew was best for him.

Once Joe's dilemma was resolved, he could choose to end therapy or he could remain to deal with the underlying trauma that created aspects of these parts. It would be his choice.

There is more to Parts Work Therapy than can be presented in a blog article, but I hope this gives you an idea of how it works.

Conclusion
Parts Work Therapy recognizes that everyone is made up of many aspects.

Various parts work might together in a harmonious way while other conflicting parts need to be identified and worked with for the well-being of the client.

Parts Work Therapy

There are no bad parts.

As in the example above, there might be parts that need to temporarily step aside to work through the presenting problem. Sometimes this is easier said than done, especially with recalcitrant parts that are attempting to protect the client but who function in skewed way.

In the simplified example above, for the sake of explaining Parts Work Therapy, there was only one part that needed to step aside, but in many cases there might be many parts.  

Sometimes there are several parts and they function in a blended way so that each one needs to be identified separately, determine how they function together and how they might be in conflict with other parts.

Parts Work usually isn't accomplished in just one or two sessions. Depending upon the client, the presenting problem and the parts involved, it could take months or longer.

Parts Work Therapy can be used in combination with any other type of therapy, including psychodynamic therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, hypnotherapy and other modalities.

As previously mentioned, Parts Work Therapy, both Ego States Therapy and IFS, was developed for trauma, but it can be used for any problem.

An important aspect of Parts Work Therapy is that, once a client becomes attuned to their parts, they can do aspects of the work on their own.  

I have had many clients who became adept at identifying their parts and having dialogs with these parts, including asking a particular part to step aside temporarily.

Getting Help in Parts Work Therapy
If you have been unable to work through problems on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a Parts Work therapist.


Parts Work Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who does Parts work so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work/Ego States/IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to resolve their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.















 

Tuesday, March 11, 2025

What is Trauma-Related Dissociation?

Daydreaming and dissociation are related to each other, but they differ in terms of their duration, severity and underlying mechanisms.

What is the Difference Between Daydreaming and Dissociation?
Daydreaming is usually a harmless activity where an individual imagines certain people, places or events. 

Daydreaming is Pleasant and Relaxing

Daydreaming is often a pleasant and relaxing experience (unless someone spends an excessive amount of time engaged in it to the detriment of other things in their life). 

Daydreaming, getting absorbed in a book and forgetting the miles driven on a familiar road are all light forms of dissociation.

Dissociation involves a detachment or interruption from either thoughts, feelings, current surroundings, memories or an experience of oneself.  Under ordinary circumstances, light dissociation is a temporary detachment or interruption.

Dissociation is a common response to stress.

Dissociation is also a common response to trauma and, under severe conditions, it's a response to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) which was formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

Dissociation is on a continuum. Mild dissociation can last up to a few minutes minutes and, on the other end of the continuum, severe dissociation can last days or longer.

Comparing daydreaming to more serious dissociation: Ordinary daydreaming is usually not disruptive to one's life, but severe dissociation can be a distressing experience.

What is the Connection Between Trauma and Dissociation?
Dissociation is an unconscious defense mechanism.

During a traumatic event, the fight or flight response can get activated.

Trauma-Related Dissociation

If an individual is unable to fight or flee, the freeze response gets activated as a way to protect the individual through dissociation.  

One example of the freeze response is the "deer in the headlights" reaction. 

So, for instance, if someone is walking down a deserted street and someone suddenly jumps out to attack them, the person who was walking alone might freeze as part of being shocked.  

The freeze response is an unconscious defense mechanism. As part of the freeze response, the person who is shocked might be unable to speak, run or fight because they are immobilized by the traumatic shock of the attack.

What Are the Signs of Dissociation?
Signs and symptoms of dissociation include (but are not limited to):
  • Feeling disconnected from your body, also known as an "out of body experience" (depersonalization)
  • Feeling separate from the environment around you. The world around you might feel unreal or distorted (derealization)
  • Experiencing lightheadedness, dizziness or a racing heart
  • Having difficulty feeling emotions
  • Feeling unsure of who you are
  • Forgetting significant events or times in your life or personal information which could include big gaps in your memories, including memory gaps in your family history
  • Feeling disconnected from your body so that you don't feel pain when you would normally expect to feel pain
What Are Some Ways to Cope With Dissociation? (non-DID dissociation)
Some of the following activities might be helpful:
Mindfulness and Square Breathing to Cope With Dissociation
Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
The suggestions above for coping with dissociation can be good strategies to manage your dissociation, but if you want to overcome trauma-related dissociation, you need to seek help in trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Regular talk therapy often has limited success for working through unresolved trauma, which is why certain forms of trauma therapy, like EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, IFS, Ego States Therapy and clinical hypnosis, were developed.

All of the above modalities are Experiential Therapies (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Unresolved trauma can linger for months, years or even a lifetime, so getting help in trauma therapy sooner rather than later is important.

Once you have worked through unresolved trauma, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, IFS, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples work through trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.



















Sunday, March 9, 2025

What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)?

The terms "trauma" and "PTSD" (posttraumatic stress disorder) are often used interchangeably, but there is a difference.

Understanding the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD

What is Trauma?
Trauma is an emotional response to an overwhelming event which could include shock trauma or developmental trauma .

Shock trauma is a one-time event like a robbery, an accident or the devastating effect of a hurricane, to name just a a few examples of shock trauma.

Developmental trauma is ongoing trauma experienced during childhood due to stressful and traumatic events including physical and emotional abuse, physical or emotional neglect, violence, and chronic instability.

The effects of trauma can include (but are not limited to):
  • Sadness
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Avoidance of people, places and things related to the trauma
  • Anger
  • Dissociation
  • Confusion
  • Exhaustion
  • Numbing emotions and numbing yourself to your environment
  • Nightmares
Symptoms from shock trauma and developmental trauma can persist for weeks, months, years or a lifetime.  

When symptoms of trauma persist and evolve over time, these symptoms can develop into posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if the symptoms of trauma go untreated.

What is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?
Even though PTSD and trauma are closely related, they are not the same.

Understanding the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD

"Post" in posttraumatic stress disorder refers to the physical, emotional and psychological impact after trauma occurs.

Whereas trauma is a response to an overwhelming event, PTSD is a more serious mental health condition.

The effects. of PTSD are divided into four categories:
  • Re-experiencing symptoms: Flashbacks including emotional flashbacks, nightmares and frightening thoughts
  • Avoidance: Avoiding people, places and things related to the traumatic event(s) and avoiding related thoughts and feelings
  • Mood and Cognition: Problems remembering details of the trauma, a negative view of oneself and a lack of interest in hobbies or interactions that were pleasurable before
What is Trauma Therapy?
Trauma therapy includes a variety of therapy modalities including (but not limited to):
  • EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy
  • AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
Understanding Trauma Therapy
Why is It Important to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?
Whether you're experiencing unresolved trauma or PTSD, symptoms often get worse over time so seeking help in trauma therapy sooner rather than later is recommended.

Understanding the Importance of Trauma Therapy

Both trauma and PTSD symptoms can carry over intergenerationally, which means that your unresolved trauma can have a significant impact on your children and future generations (see my articles: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy
If you have been struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

After you have worked through your trauma, you can free yourself from your traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.







Wednesday, March 5, 2025

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?

New psychotherapy clients, who have never been in therapy before, often ask why therapists ask about family history as part of the beginning phase of therapy.

Talking About Family History as a First Step in Therapy

Why is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?
Here are the main reasons why asking about family history is so important to the success of therapy:
  • Family Dynamics: The family dynamics often reflect how someone in that family sees themself and how they interact in their relationships with others, including romantic relationships. Family dynamics, which are internalized at an early age, often remain unconscious until someone begins therapy and learns to see connections between their early experiences and their adult relationships (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).
  • Attachment Patterns: Attachment patterns developed at an early age tend to affect adult relationships. Similar to internalized family dynamics, attachment patterns are often unconscious so that a client is often unaware of it until they develop insight about the affect of these dynamics in therapy (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Can Affect Your Relationship).
Attachment Styles Develop Early in Childhood
  • Transmission of Psychological Trauma: It's not unusual for there to be unprocessed trauma that gets transmitted from one generation to the next in a family. When an individual gets help in trauma therapy, they can see the origins of their trauma and process the trauma so it no longer affects them and it doesn't get passed on to the next generation (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).
  • Learned Behavior: Individuals often learn patterns of behavior early in their childhood. They might not be aware they learned this behavior, including how to express emotions, how to deal with stress and how to interact with others, until they become aware of these dynamics in therapy. During therapy their therapist helps them to make connections between their current behavior and what they learned (explicitly or implicitly) early in life (see my article: Developing Skills to Manage Your Emotions).
  • Genetic Factors: Certain mental health conditions have a genetic component. This includes anxiety, depression, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), autism spectrum disorder and other mental health conditions. Knowing about the possibility of genetic factors can help a client to understand their risk for developing these conditions, help with early detection and make informed mental health treatment decisions.
How Do Psychotherapists Use Family History Information?
Different therapists use family history information in different ways.

As an Experiential therapist with a specialty in trauma therapy, I like to get a family history during the early phase of therapy.  This is part of history taking which, depending upon what the client wants to work on, includes family history, current family dynamics, the history of other significant relationships as well as the history of the presenting problem.

By having the family history, the client and I can work towards:
  • Identify recurring patterns
  • Understand the context of the client's current problems
  • Process the trauma using various forms of therapy (see below)
Conclusion
Getting a family history during the beginning phase of therapy is an important first step in helping clients to overcome their emotional challenges.

Experiential therapists know the client's awareness and insight isn't enough to heal (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

Insight is only the first step before the therapist helps clients to work through and overcome their problems through a variety of Experiential Therapy including:
  • EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
  • AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
  • Parts Work Therapy (Internal Family System also known as IFS as well as Ego States Therapy)
All of these Experiential therapy modalities are effective types of therapy depending upon the client and the presenting problem.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with emotional issues you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.