Sexual Wellness: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts About Yourself When You're Having Sex?

The sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, did groundbreaking work on the human sexual response.  As part of their work, they developed a term called "spectatoring" in the 1970s to describe the experience of self consciously watching yourself while having sex. 

Sexual Wellness: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts in Bed?

When you're spectatoring, instead of being present with your partner, you're both a participant and a spectator of the experience.   

Spectatoring often occurs when there is performance anxiety, which is a sexual inhibitor.  It gets in the way of being fully present and sexually aroused.  It can also turn sex into a performance rather than an intimate experience (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Spectatoring often comes with an anxious, self conscious, critical voice.  It's the opposite of being present with your partner.  It can include critical comments about your body image: "I wonder if my partner thinks I look fat" or negative thoughts about how you're interacting sexually: "Does my partner like how I'm touching her?" (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Instead of being attuned to your partner's and your own sexual experience, you're making negative comments about yourself in your mind as if you're someone else. 

You might also be distracted by unresolved issues in your relationship or unresolved trauma (see my articles: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships and What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If you're spectatoring, you're distracted, so chances are very good you're not enjoying your experience.  Also, your partner probably realizes that you're not present, so the experience is less satisfying for him or her too.

How to Stop Spectatoring Using Mindfulness

One way to overcome spectatoring is to use mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a practice where you focus on what you're feeling and sensing in the moment without judgment or interpretation.  

Not only does it help you to focus, it also helps you to relax (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Before you use mindfulness during sex, I recommend that you practice mindfulness daily during everyday activities, like when you're walking, savoring a meal, smelling flowers, taking a shower or any other similar activity.  

You can also practice mindfulness during solo pleasuring (masturbation) to enhance your experience, get to know what you like sexually and be able to communicate this to your partner (see my articles: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

By practicing mindfulness, you can develop the skill of being mindfully present in bed with your partner, which will make sex more pleasurable.

Getting Help in Therapy

Asking for help can be challenging, but struggling with unresolved problems is even harder (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help in Therapy).

Everyone needs help at some point, so if you're feeling stuck, you're not alone.

A skilled therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from living a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?

People often try to avoid experiencing painful emotions by constantly "keeping busy."  To suppress their sadness, anger or other uncomfortable emotions, they keep themselves in a state of constant distraction.

Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?

The amount of emotional and physical energy that it takes to stay on the go and suppress these uncomfortable feelings can be enough to exhaust anyone.  And, in the end, it serves no real purpose, except as a delaying tactic.  In the end, these emotions remain in the body, and they can manifest in a compromised immune system and, possibly, illness.

Well-meaning friends and family members sometimes give unhelpful advice

Over and over, I hear my psychotherapy clients tell me that their well-meaning friends and family members have advised them to "keep busy," even when the clients begin feeling worse by all this extra activity.  This often goes along with the advice, "Just put it behind you" before the person has had a chance to experience an uncomfortable emotion.

When you're upset, it's easy to think that your natural inclination to take time for yourself is, somehow, "wrong" and your friends and family are right about staying busy.  Then, eventually, when you can't sustain it, you might feel like there's something wrong with you.  

You wonder, "Why can't I do this?"  Well, you can't do it because it's not what you were meant to do in order to take care of yourself.

Feel the emotions, without the need for constant distraction, as part of self care

Whether the emotions are about the death of a spouse, a divorce, the loss of a job or any other unfortunate event, you need to feel your emotions without being made to feel that there is something wrong with you.  

There's no way to avoid painful feelings

Somewhere along the way, as a society determined to pursue life, liberty and the state of happiness, we seemed to have come away thinking that we should never feel any uncomfortable emotions.   

And if we do, these emotions should be stamped out as quickly as possible.  And, yet, when we look at the course of a long life, we can see that it's made up of a combination of joy and pain.  There's no way to avoid it.

When we try to avoid feeling painful emotions, we prolong the pain

When we attempt to avoid feeling painful emotions, we actually end up prolonging the pain rather than just feeling the emotions and, when the time is right, releasing them.  

A friend's experience of trying to avoid feeling the pain

Many years ago, a friend, whose husband left her unexpectedly for another woman, was trying to follow her sister's advice to stay constantly "keeping busy."  (My friend gave me permission to write about her experience because she thought it would be helpful to others.)

Her sister came to my friend's home, dragged her out to dinners and movies.  Whenever my weary friend would ask me about this, I would tell her that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to exhaust herself in this way--that she needed time to herself.  But, after years of accommodating herself to others, she felt that she couldn't let her sister down.  She didn't want to seem ungrateful, so she went along with it.  

A few weeks after the marital separation, her sister wanted to host a dinner party for my friend, hoping to cheer her up.  Once again, my friend asked me what she should do.  Seeing how exhausted and irritated she looked, I asked her what she thought it would be like for her.  

After she thought about it for a few seconds, she broke down in tears.  The pressure felt overwhelming.  She summoned her courage, called her sister and rejected the idea.  

Then, my friend went home and, for the first time since her husband left her, she cried. Afterwards, she experienced a wave of relief.  Then, a day or so later, the next wave of pain and disbelief about her situation came over her again.  Rather than resist the pain, each time she felt the next wave, she went with it and she released it.  

A week or so later, she began to feel a surge of rage about what her husband did.  She punched pillows.  She yelled.  She cried.  She called to vent, and she allowed herself to release the emotions in a way that felt right for her.  She also used this surge of angry energy to get organized and to hire an attorney to protect her interests. 

After a while, she came to accept that her sadness and anger came in waves and, although it was excruciatingly painful at times, she felt better allowing herself to feel her emotions rather than suppress them.  After several months passed, she was able to look back and notice that her pain was not as great as it had been at the beginning.  

Of course, everyone's experience with painful emotions will be different.  Just know that there's nothing wrong with you if you don't feel like immediately going out dancing after a significant loss.

You don't have to go along with what others think is best for you, and you don't have to run from your feelings.

You don't always have to be engaged in constant activity.  Sometimes, you just need to be still.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones to Spend Quality Time Together

It's so easy to underestimate the importance of spending quality time together in your relationship.   These days it seems that so many people are working harder and longer hours, and they're so much more accessible to their work relationships and other distractions because they don't take time to "unplug" from cellphones, iPads and other gadgets--even when they're, supposedly, trying to spend quality time with their loved ones.

The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones to Spend Quality Time Together

Relationships Need Nurturing

There's no substitute for spending time together, without distractions, to nurture a relationship.  Unfortunately, these electronic gadgets, which are such great conveniences in so many ways, can also become obsessive habits to the point where it's hard to "unplug" from them.

The Importance of "Unplugging" From Cellphones: Relationships Need Nurturing

A friend recently told me that her husband responded to the "ping" of his phone while they were making love.  It completely destroyed the moment for her.  Needless to say, she got angry, and in their next couples counseling session she told her husband that he needed to learn to "unplug" from his Blackberry if their marriage was going to last.

Ingrained habits are hard, but not impossible, to change
"Unplugging" from electronic gadgets doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing endeavor.  You and your spouse can come to a compromise about getting "unplugged."

I also recommend being specific.  For example, if you hate the idea of your spouse responding to a cellphone while you're at dinner, but you can live with it while you're watching a sitcom together, tell him or her this.  Then, come to an agreement about it.  Or, if it's hard to find a couple of hours together on the weekend without distractions, plan ahead for this time and agree that this is "unplugged" time away from electronic gadgets and other distractions.  Expect that this might be a "two steps forward/one step backwards" process, especially at the beginning.  Try to be flexible while keeping your goal in sight.

If you're the person who is tethered to your electronic gadgets, expect that you might go through some "withdrawal" symptoms (obviously, nothing life threatening!) as you learn to have this "unplugged" time.  There has been research that has shown that people responding to "pinging" and ringing of electronic gadgets actually get a boost in feel-good chemicals in the brain.  This is one of the reasons why it's so hard for many people to get "unplugged"--it feels good.

For more information about the feel-good, dopamine, chemical that can make getting "unplugged" so difficult, see the Psychology Today article by Susan Weinschenk, Ph.D.:
"Why We're All Addicted to Texts, Twitter and Google"

Getting Help in Therapy
If you or your spouse are unwilling to spend any time "unplugged," there might be deeper problems in your relationship.  Sometimes, spending a lot of time using electronic gadgets (or watching TV or other distractions) can be a way to avoid each other.  If you can't resolve this issue on your own, you can benefit from seeing a couples counselor who can help you and your spouse to deal with this issue.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Creating Special Times Together to Enhance Your Relationship