September 11, 2001

Today is the eighth anniversary of the September 11th World Trade Center attack. For most of us, especially those of us who live in NYC, it's a time to remember where we were that day and to reflect on the many lives that were lost and the people who survived and who are dealing with those losses.

On September 11, 2001, unlike today, it was a clear, sunny day. The sky was beautifully blue. I was in an office two blocks away from the World Trade Center's South Tower. I had arrived in my office at about 8:30 AM and was at my desk when I heard and felt a loud booming noise that sounded like a construction accident. A couple of colleagues came by and we turned on the radio to find out what might have happened. But there was no news during those first few minutes. Then, we saw tons of paper mysteriously floating in the air outside our windows. Eventually, the news about the plane crashing into one of the towers came over the airwaves, but there was still no news about a terrorist attack. Then, there was the second plane crash and a call from building management to evacuate the building.

I'm aware of how lucky I was that day to get out of the building safely and, eventually, get home. I'm also aware that I was fortunate not to have lost anyone at the World Trade Center that day. A week or so later, I listened to many accounts from clients who were not as lucky as I was and who lost husbands, wives, family members, and coworkers in the towers that day.

My heartfelt wish for healing and peace goes out to all families and friends who lost someone on September 11, 2001. My thoughts are with you.

Developing Internal Motivation to Change

Making changes in our lives, even when it comes from an internal sense that we need to make a change,  can be challenging enough. But when the call for change comes from our partners, families, friends, employers, or all of the above, it can be very difficult to hear what they have to say and find the internal motivation to change, especially when we might not see the need to change.

Developing Internal Motivation to Change

Being Open to Hearing What Others Have to  Say
Being able to stay open, listen and really hear what we're being told, and consider the possibility that, perhaps, there is some kernel of truth to what others are telling us can be hard. It's much easier to become defensive and dismiss what others are saying. After all, it can be hurtful to hear that our partner or a family member isn't satisfied with something about us. But after the initial reaction of surprise, hurt or anger, can we take the time to consider that, most of the time, the people who are confronting us with the need to change are people who care about us and that it's usually not easy for them to tell us things that they know we don't want to hear? That doesn't mean that they're automatically right, but can we take the time and make the effort to think about what they're saying and see if it resonates with us in some way?

External Motivation in Seeking Therapy
As a psychotherapist, it's not unusual for me to get calls from prospective clients who say, "I'm calling because my wife says I'm too irritable" or "I'm calling because my family did an intervention last week and told me that I have a drinking problem" or "I'm calling because my boss said, 'Either get help with your anger management problem or you'll be terminated" or "I'm calling because my boyfriend, my mother, my father and my sisters have all told me that they're worried that I'm a compulsive overspender, but I don't think I have a problem. "

Developing Internal Motivation to Change in Therapy

At the point when these prospective clients are calling, they're often not sure they need to change. Sometimes they're angry. Sometimes they're attempting to comply with what's being asked of them but they feel that it's not their problem--it's the other people's problem. Or they're hoping to come for one session so I can tell them that they don't have a problem and they can go back to family or friends with that information. And, of course, there are times when it's apparent that this person doesn't need to be in therapy and only comes in for a few sessions.

Developing Internal Motivation to Change in Therapy

When there seems to be some truth to what others are telling a client, I try to help the client to put aside the initial resentment or anger and develop the ability to look into his or her own internal world to see if, maybe, deep down, he or she has some awareness that there is a problem. It might start out as a small and vague sense of awareness, which is fine because most change is a process and it takes place over time. As this awareness develops and grows, the next step is usually some form of acceptance and ownership for the presenting problem, aside from what others may or may not be saying. This step takes courage. And, as you might expect, this isn't a linear process and people often go back and forth in their process between acceptance and denial.

Finding the internal sense of motivation to change when the call for change comes from the outside and it's in an area where we might have a "blind spot" about ourselves can be a daunting process for some people. And, yet, for other people, it can be very liberating to finally admit that there's a problem and feel good about taking steps to change it. They feel that they've had a breakthrough and now they can open up, let go of their denial and free themselves of traits or habits that have been holding them back, often, for many years.

About Me

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples. 

I have worked with many clients who, initially, start with only external motivation and learn to develop their own internal sense of motivation to change.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, feel free to call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

The Power of Starting the Day with a Positive Intention

How you start each morning often sets the tone for the rest of your day. Starting the day with a particular intention that is meaningful to you is a powerful way to begin your day.

The Power of Starting Your Day With a Positive Intention

What is Meaningful to You?
Your intention can be whatever is meaningful to you--having a peaceful day, opening up to new possibilities, feeling more confident, improving an aspect of your relationship, developing your intuition, enhancing your creativity or taking a step towards realizing one of your goals.

Often, people have only a vague sense about their intentions. They might need inspiration to help them get clear about what they want.

Starting the day by reading an inspirational passage in a book, reading poetry, listening to music, meditating, praying, taking a yoga class, exercising, or taking a walk can help to inspire you to set an intention for your day.

Writing down your intention can also help to define and clarify your intention.

Find Ways to Act Upon Your Intention
As you go through your day, think about your intention and find ways to act upon it. So, for instance, if your intention for the day is to bring more serenity into your life, ask yourself what you can do to make that happen on this day.

If this is your intention, can you take a few minutes at lunch time to close your eyes and pay attention to your breathing? Can you pay attention to the quality of your interactions with others and ask yourself if you're communicating in a way that creates the serenity that you want in your relationships?

Reflect Upon Your Intention At the End of the Day
It's also helpful at the end of the day to reflect on your intention and ask yourself if you were able to manifest what you wanted. If you did, that's great. And if you didn't, rather than berate yourself, think about what you might have done without judging yourself harshly.

Having a sense of meaning and purpose in your life can enhance your sense of self and help improve your relationships. Starting each day with an intention that is important to you can help you to achieve your goals, feel more empowered, and improve your overall sense of well being.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have assisted many clients to discover their intentions and develop more meaningful lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, please call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Trying to Decide Whether to Reconcile with Your Parents

There is a common misconception about psychotherapy that it's all about coming to complain about your problems, blaming everything on your parents, and that's where it ends. However, in reality, when you begin psychotherapy, looking at your relationship with your parents, if it's relevant to your problems, is only the beginning of trying to understand the origin of the problems. It's not the end by any means.

Trying to Decide Whether to Reconcile with Your Parents

Emotional Reconciliation with Your Parents

At some point, as an adult, especially if you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, you might face the possibility of reconciling certain aspects of your relationship with your parents. 

Depending upon your particular circumstances, this might be a question of direct reconciliation with one or both of your parents. Under certain circumstances, if they're too impaired physically or emotionally or if they're no longer alive, or if it would be emotionally detrimental to you or to them, it might be a matter of your own internal emotional reconciliation. By this, I mean you own emotional coming to terms with these issues so that you can heal and be at peace with yourself.

Only You Can Decide if Reconciliation is Right For You
I realize that this is not an easy topic for some people, and it often elicits uncomfortable responses, especially for people who are in the throes of a difficult time with their parents. So, it's important to understand that only you can decide what works best for you given your particular history and under your particular circumstances.

As a psychotherapist, I've seen many middle-aged clients who are struggling to come to terms with their relationships with their parents. 

For clients who are in their 40s and older, this might mean that they had difficult relationships with one or both parents when they were younger and now their parents are old and frail and need their help. 

When their parents were younger and independent, there might have been an emotional estrangement between them and their parents. And there can be so many reasons for this estrangement. Maybe their parents were emotionally or physically abusive when they were growing up. Maybe their parents were emotionally neglectful. Maybe there was some other form of betrayal or trauma.

Whatever the reason for the ongoing resentment or estrangement, after many years, you might find yourself facing an emotional dilemma. If your parents are still alive and elderly, one or both of them might need help. 

Maybe you've received a call from your siblings that your parents are not well or that your siblings can no longer take care of your parents on their own and need your help. Or, maybe you're the one who has assumed the brunt of the responsibility for your parents and feel overwhelmed physically and emotionally, especially if you're still harboring resentments towards them and you need help. Or, maybe your parents are dead and you were unable to have any type of reconciliation with them before they died. You might feel that, since they're gone, it's no longer possible to reconcile your feelings. But, when you're ready, there are ways in psychotherapy to work through, reconcile your feelings and let go of longstanding anger, hurt and resentment.

Reconciliation Can Be Healing For You
The important thing to understand is that, in many cases, you're doing this mostly for yourself. If your parents are still alive and healthy enough, and it's possible to have a mutual reconciliation that brings peace to you as well as to them and you can do this without compromising your own or their well-being, so much the better. 

I've heard from so many clients that when they see their parents now as elderly and frail people, it's hard to believe that these were the same parents who were abusive or neglectful. In reality, they might have changed and you might have changed a lot over the years, and maybe you and they are no longer the same people that you once were.

I realize that the emphasis of this post has been focused on dealing with parents who might have been abusive or neglectful. But I also realize that it's not always one way--it's possible that you might feel the need to make amends with your parents for things you might have said or done. This can also be challenging but, if it's possible to do without emotional harm to yourself or to them, can be so freeing.

Reconciliation Might Be Your Own Internal Work
Like any type of working through, forgiving, and letting go, whether you come to terms directly with your parents or you do your own internal emotional work about it without involving your parents, you'd be doing this mostly for your own peace of mind and well being.  For some people, it might do more harm than good to reconnect with one or both parents.  Then, the reconciliation is within yourself.

It might be difficult to imagine, but when you're ready, letting go of the burden of hurt, anger, and toxic resentment can be so freeing.

Getting Help in Therapy
EMDR and clinical hypnosis can be effective tools in dealing with these emotions and, when used by an experienced practitioner, they often work faster and more effectively than regular talk therapy.

About Me
I'm a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR. I've helped many clients find healing and peace with their parental relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?

Learning to Relax: Square Breathing

For many people learning to relax can be a real challenge. If they have very busy personal and work-related lives, they might not even realize just how overwhelmed with stress they are because feeling this way has become a "normal" way of life.

Learning to Relax: Square Breathing

When I talk to people about de-stressing, some of them tell me that they don't have time to go to the gym or to yoga class. Some of them say they don't even have time to go for a short, brisk walk to de-stress. When clients in my psychotherapy private practice tell me this, I tell them about a simple technique that helps most people to calm down relatively quickly, even when they feel overwhelmed with anxiety. This simple technique is called Square Breathing.

What is Square Breathing?
Square Breathing is a technique that people often learn in meditation or yoga class or when they come to see a mind-body oriented psychotherapist. When clients who are anxious come to my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, I often teach them to do Square Breathing:

Breathe in slowly to the count of four. Feel your lungs filling up with air.

Hold your breath to the count of four.

Breathe out slowly to the count of four. Feel your lungs emptying.

Hold your exhalation to the count of four

Repeat until you feel calmer.

Even though it's such a simple technique, Square Breathing helps most people to calm down and feel better. And you don't need to go to the gym or to a class to do it. You just have to remember to have the presence of mind to do Square Breathing when you feel anxious.

In order to cultivate that presence of mind, it's best to practice doing Square Breathing even when you're not feeling anxious or overwhelmed so that you'll be familiar with this technique and can use it when you need it without having to think too much about how to do.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up an appointment for a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker

Do you want to stop smoking?

Have you tried to stop smoking before, stopped for a while and then relapsed?

Becoming Successful Nonsmoker

Clinical hypnosis can be a very effective tool to help you stop smoking without the side effects of the drugs, nicotine patches and other methods used to stop smoking.

Noticing Your Smoking Patterns:
When clients come to me to become successful nonsmokers, I ask them to start by noticing and tracking their smoking patterns and triggers:

For each cigarette smoked in a day:

What was your emotional state at the time? (angry, anxious, sad, happy, etc)

What was going on at the time?

Who were you with at the time?

Where were you? Location: at work, at home, walking the dog, in the car?

What is your smoking style for each cigarette? How much of the cigarette did you smoke? How many in a row?

Of the times that you smoked, which times would be easiest to give up? For instance, would it be easier to give up the cigarette you have with your morning coffee? Would it be more difficult to give up the cigarette that helps you to calm down when you're angry with your supervisor?

Breaking the Smoking Pattern:

At the start of treatment, I also ask clients to start by changing one particular habit involved with their smoking. So, for instance, they can change their cigarette brand, change when they smoke (if they usually smoke after meals, maybe they would smoke before a meal) or make another change, no matter how small.

This is called pattern interruption and, when you're trying to break a habit, it's usually very effective as a way to start breaking the habitual patterns. This can also work for other habits that you want to break.

Smoking History:
I also want to get a smoking history during the first session:

When and how did you start smoking?

How long have you been smoking?

With whom do you smoke (e.g., spouse, smoking buddies)?

Are there people who are close to you that smoke?

Has there been anyone close to you who got sick or died from a smoking-related illness?

Have you successfully quit smoking before for a while? If so, for how long? What worked?

What triggered the relapse?

What successful experiences have you had in breaking other habits before?

Why do you want to stop?

How do you think that becoming a successful nonsmoker will affect your life?

Are there certain people who will not be happy if you stop smoking (smoking buddies, spouses who want to continue smoking with you)?

What problems are you anticipating (e.g., weight gain, switching to other habits)?

After I have information about your smoking triggers, smoking patterns, and smoking history, I develop an individualized plan that will be most effective for you as an individual client.

Many people have become successful nonsmokers using clinical hypnosis.
If you want to become a successful nonsmoker, you could benefit from clinical hypnosis. If you've been thinking about stopping but you've been putting it off, consider the benefits of becoming a successful nonsmoker to your health, your overall well being, the health of those around you, and your wallet (cigarettes have become increasingly expensive, as I'm sure you know).

Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker

For more information about the health benefits of smoking cessation, visit the American Cancer Society website: http://www.cancer.org.

Consider all these factors and make a decision to get help today.

About Me
I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped clients to become successful nonsmokers.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Maintaining a Sense of Wonder as an Adult

If you've ever watched small children when they've discovered something new--whether it's an animal they've never seen before at the zoo, a new toy or game, or watching the stars--they have such a sense of wonder about the world. 

Maintaining a Sense of Wonder As An Adult

Children tend to be open, and curious. They use their imagination to play and create fantastic new stories and just about anything seems possible to them. It's a magical time.

What Happens to that Sense of Wonder For Adults?
Have you ever wondered what happens to that sense of wonder for so many people as they get older? 

Some people, especially artists, are able to maintain that sense of wonder about the world and are able to use it in their creative endeavors. 

They still have the ability to "play," whether it's with ideas, words, or objects. 

But for most people, unfortunately, that sense of wonder all but disappears. Some people lose it early on, especially if they grow up in a critical environment. For others, life's disappointments take away that receptivity and curiosity about the world.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could maintain that sense of wonder throughout our lives?

Well, we can--if we have the right attitude about it and keep our hearts and minds open to the many big and small wonders in every day life. Every day there are countless wonders around us, if we just take the time to notice them.

Have you ever had a day when you knew that you were going to discover something new and unexpected? Usually, when this happens, it's most likely to occur on days when you're feeling light hearted and receptive to new people, thoughts, or ideas.

On those days, you're more likely to feel intuitive and discover interesting "coincidences," like thinking about an old friend and then hearing from her, or thinking about a new idea and suddenly seeing things related to it around you, or discovering a new and interesting place unexpectedly as you walk down the street with something that fascinates or inspires you.

Are these really "coincidences" or are these things really there all the time in front of us, but we only notice them when we're receptive?

A couple of years ago, I attended a concert at Town Hall where Oleta Adams sang a beautiful and inspiring song called "I Hope You Dance" written by Lee Ann Womack.

I don't know what inspired this song, but as I was listening to it, I could imagine a mother singing it to her young child. The words were so uplifting.

Maintaining a Sense of Wonder As An Adult

I Hope You Dance
"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)"

I hope you find inspiration in all the big and small wonders all around us.

About Me
I'm a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.