Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships - Part 1

Most people would agree that being abandoned by a spouse or a romantic partner can be heartbreaking.  This is especially true when a partner leaves to be with someone else.  However, even in relationships where there is no objective threat, jealousy and mate guarding behavior can be the destructive element that drives a couple apart (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy).

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

What is Mate Guarding?

Mate guarding occurs in both the animal kingdom and among humans.

Mate guarding can involve:

• keeping constant tabs on a partner
• checking that a partner is where s/he says she is
• going through a partner's phone or personal items to look for suspicious calls, texts or email, letters, hotel bills, etc.
• secretly listening into phone calls
• installing a tracking device in a partner's phone or car
• stalking/spying on a partner
• asking friends or other individuals to keep tabs on a partner
• questioning a partner about friendships, coworkers and other people
• constantly questioning a partner's motives about engaging in separate activities
• wanting a partner to give up certain social activities 

And so on.

The Effect of Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

Irrational jealousy that turns into mate guarding can have a very toxic effect on a relationship.  The partner who is engaging in mate guarding can lose objectivity and become irrational and accusatory.

Most partners who are being unfairly accused of wrongdoing eventually become resentful.  In addition, the partner who is on the receiving end of mate guarding behavior often feels controlled and suffocated, which creates even greater problems.  

By being irrationally jealous, the partner who fears being abandoned can actually bring about the demise of the relationship if the partner gets fed up.  At the very least, it erodes the quality of the relationship.

When someone has a history of jealous mate guarding, s/he often has insecure attachment problems, specifically, anxious attachment.  See my articles:  

• What is Your Attachment Style?, 
• How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?
• How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example of irrational jealousy and mate guarding in a relationship.  See Part 2 of this topic.

Getting Help in Therapy

It can be difficult to step back from irrational jealousy on your own.  Triggers often occur so quickly that you don't have time to reflect on your irrational thoughts.

Even if you know objectively that your jealousy is irrational, you might feel very different on an emotional level.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you get to the root of your problems to help you change your behavior.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can enjoy your relationship and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Your Fear of Abandonment).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up an appointment, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Have You Internalized Your Parents' Anxiety and Emotional Insecurities?

Children internalize their parents' emotional experiences.   In my prior article, I provided a clinical vignette where the client feared taking risks because she grew up with parents who were anxious and risk averse (see my article: Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret).  In this article, I'm focusing on how anxiety and emotional insecurities are internalized intergenerational at a young age and continue into adulthood.

Have You Internalized Your Parents' Anxiety and Emotional Insecurities?

One of the advantages of attending psychotherapy is that you and your psychotherapist can work on separating your parents' emotions and experiences and yours and, if the therapy is successful, you won't pass on these traits to your children (see my article: Intergenerational Family Dynamics and Your Unresolved Trauma Can Have Emotional Repercussions For Your Children).

Since young children see the world through their parents' eyes, they usually internalize their parents' emotions and view of the world.  This can be an intergenerational pattern where these emotions and  views are passed down from one generation to the next for many generations.

When there has been psychological trauma in an older generation, this is often passed on to subsequent generations--even if the relatives from the generation with direct experience of the trauma never discuss it (see my article: Psychotherapy and Intergenerational Trauma).

For instance, grandchildren of Holocaust survivors will often say that neither their grandparents nor there parents ever discussed the Holocaust, so they don't understand how they internalized their grandparents' traumatic experiences.  But traumatic experiences don't have to be discussed for internalization because the internalization occurs on an unconscious level.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Internalizing Your Parents' Anxiety and Emotional Insecurities
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how anxiety and emotional insecurities are passed down and internalized intergenerationally:

Tania
Tania came to therapy after struggling with anxiety and emotional insecurities about money for her entire life.

Prior to coming to therapy, Tania had always felt that she could handle her problems on her own.  When her friends told her that they were starting psychotherapy, Tania couldn't understand why they needed to get help in therapy.  It didn't make sense to her because she considered her friends to be "strong" and her view of psychotherapy was that only people who are "weak" need to go to therapy (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

When she was in her 20s, Tania believed that she would be in a successful career and own a home by the time she was in her mid-30s.  But, although she had a successful career and she was in a relationship with a man that she loved, she couldn't bring herself to make an investment in a home.

When she turned 38, she was doing well financially, but she feared making such a major investment as buying a home.  Being only two years away from turning 40, she envisioned the years stretching out before her and remaining in a rental apartment with no prospect for change.

Her romantic partner, Dan, who lived with Tania, told her that he wanted them to buy an apartment together in the next couple of years, but Tania was too afraid to do it.

Tania also told her psychotherapist that her financial advisor told her that she could afford to buy an apartment and encouraged her to make the investment, but she was too afraid--even though she knew logically that she could afford it.

When Tania and her psychotherapist talked about her family background, Tania revealed that her parents were first-generation Americans and her grandparents struggled financially to come to the United States.

Even though Tania's parents eventually overcame the poverty they endured as children, they never got over those experiences.  Her father worked three jobs in order to make ends meet and, eventually, he started his own business, which was successful.  But, despite their hard-earned financial success, her parents never overcame their fear that everything they worked for could go up in smoke and they could become poor again.  They continued to live very frugally due to their emotional insecurities.

Tania's psychotherapist provided Tania with psychoeducation about intergenerational trauma.  She also told Tania that it appeared that Tania internalized her grandparents' and parents' anxiety and insecurities and that they could work towards helping her to separate her experience from her grandparents' and parents' experiences.

Although it made sense to Tania that she internalized her family's experiences, she didn't feel hopeful that her feelings would ever change.  These feelings were so ingrained in her that she couldn't believe she could ever feel differently.

Her psychotherapist talked to Tania about starting with Somatic Experiencing to "uncouple" her grandparents' and parents' experiences from her own.  She explained to Tania that, although she was close to her parents and grandparents, she needed to begin to separate her emotions and beliefs rather than remain entangled in her family's beliefs and emotions.

Tania acknowledged that she knew objectively that she could afford to buy her own apartment rather than continuing to rent.  She also knew that it would be a wise financial decision for her when she looked at it logically.  But when she thought about buying an apartment, she also felt dread that she would be making a mistake.  Tania told her psychotherapist that she couldn't understand how she could know one thing logically but feel something else emotionally.

Using Somatic Experiencing, Tania's psychotherapist asked her to begin by allowing herself to feel the excitement and anticipated happiness of buying an apartment with Dan.  She asked Tania to put her anxiety and insecurities aside for the moment and whenever Tania felt these feelings were about to intrude, she should continue to put them aside.

At first, it was difficult for Tania to keep her anxiety separate from her excitement.  She would start to feel the excitement and joy of buying a place with Dan, which she really wanted, but then her anxiety would intrude.  She followed her psychotherapist's suggestions about how to put her anxiety aside for now and, eventually, she was able to identify a sense of happiness and that she felt it in her chest.

Tania and her psychotherapist stayed with the sense of happiness that Tania felt in her chest and worked towards expanding that feeling.  She was eventually able to associate the feeling of happiness in her chest with various images, colors and a sense of physical warmth.  She felt that these feelings, sensations and images were her own and not related to her family's experiences, so she was able to uncouple her experience from her family's.

After a few months, Tania's psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on the anxiety and insecurities.

As they set up the EMDR therapy protocol, Tania said that her negative belief about herself was, "I'm powerless."  She explained to her therapist that her feelings of powerlessness involved a fear that she would, in some undefined way, lose everything if she and Dan bought an apartment together.

Using EMDR therapy, they worked for several months on current memories and childhood memories that were involved with Tania's anxiety and insecurities.

After a while, Tania had a strong felt sense that she was different from her family and that their experiences weren't her experiences.  Rather than feeling powerless, she felt empowered.  At that point, she realized that what she knew logically came together with how she felt on an emotional level.

Shortly after completing EMDR therapy, Tania and Dan began looking for an apartment.  She remained in therapy to deal with the normal stress of apartment hunting, but she no longer had an irrational fear of buying an apartment.

She continued to be close to her family, but she also felt like an autonomous adult who was no longer affected by her family's intergenerational trauma.

Conclusion
Children tend to internalize their parents' experiences at a young age.  If their parents are emotionally secure people, the chances are that the children will also grow up to feel secure.

But if the parents are anxious and insecure, as illustrated in the clinical vignette above, the children will most likely feel anxious and insecure.  These experiences are often passed down from one generation to the next.  This is usually an unconscious process, even if the older generation never speaks about their traumatic experiences.

Getting Help in Therapy
Intergenerational trauma doesn't have to be a "life sentence" of traumatic experiences passed down from one generation to the next.

Trauma therapy can be an effective way of overcoming trauma.

Trauma therapy can help to break the trauma cycle.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome your anxiety and insecurities so that you can lead a more fulfilled life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome psychological trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship

Adults, who have unresolved childhood trauma, are often insecure and jealous in their adult relationships.  They can make demands on their spouse or partner for constant reassurance, and they often perceive threats to the relationship where none exist (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy).

Overcoming Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship

Sadly, these adults may bring about the demise of their relationship by these demands and their emotional reactions to outside threats that don't exist.  These reactions take a toll on the relationship and erode its stability.

So, if the other partner is faithful, why does the partner who is jealous and insecure perceive threats where there are none?

Assuming there has been no history of infidelity, the answer is often found within the unresolved childhood trauma that is still playing out in adulthood (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Even though the trauma might have occurred many years before, it can get triggered again and again in the present, especially if the trauma was never addressed in therapy (see my article: Healing Old Emotional Childhood Wounds).

The psychological effect of the trauma remains within the traumatized brain and comes alive again under certain circumstances.  

An Example of How Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Create Problems in Adult Relationships:

The following is a fictionalized vignette that demonstrates these dynamics:

Alice and Ted were married for five years when they came to couples therapy at Ted's suggestion.  He told the therapist that he was at his wit's end trying to deal with Alice's jealousy and frantic need for reassurance that he loves her.  

Ted told the therapist, "No matter how many times I try to reassure her, it's never enough.  I just don't know if I can do this much longer.  It's driving me crazy.  I've never cheated on her and there's no else in my life, but Alice becomes obsessed with jealousy and she can't stop crying and yelling at me.  She becomes inconsolable."

Overcoming the Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship

Alice agreed that she tends to get emotionally overwrought and she only realizes after the fact there's no reason to be upset.

She said, "I don't know what comes over me.  I feel like these waves of jealousy, fear, sadness and anger take control of me and I can't stop myself.  I really do know that Ted isn't cheating on me, but when these emotions get the best of me, my fear feels real.  Afterwards, I feel so ashamed and guilty and I tell Ted that it won't happen again, but then it happens again, even though I don't want it to.  I don't want to ruin my marriage."

Their childhood histories could not have been more different.  Whereas Ted grew up in a loving, stable home, Alice grew up in a chaotic family where her single mother was in and out of her life.  Her mother would often disappear unexpectedly and leave Alice in the care of a sibling who was only a few years older than Alice.

Making matters worse, Alice was removed from the home by the child welfare bureau and placed in foster care homes where she was physically abused.  This went on until Alice turned 18 and she moved out on her own.

Alice understood that the emotional upheaval that she experienced as a child caused her to feel insecure and it was difficult of her to trust people, especially in close relationships.

When she met Ted, one of the things that attracted her to him is that she knew he would be honest and trustworthy.  She knew he would be a good husband--and yet, five years in, she would regress to feeling like the insecure, scared child that she had been in the past.

The last argument that occurred between Alice and Ted a few days before they came for therapy.  Ted was talking about a project that he was working on with his colleague, Ellen.  In the course of the conversation, Ted mentioned that he had lunch with Ellen to go over a presentation that they were giving to senior management.  

"Right after I said it, I realized that it was a big mistake.  I could see the fear and anger in Alice's face, and I regretted mentioning it.  There's nothing going on between Ellen and I, and I think that deep down Alice knows this.  But in that moment, she started crying and accusing me of being unfaithful.  Then, she kept asking me to reassure her that I only wanted to be with her which, of course, I did.  But it didn't matter.  She kept crying and making accusations.  I got fed up and went to stay with my brother.  Even then, she was calling me and texting me.  She was desperate to talk to me, but I knew we would only continue to argue.  I knew I had to wait until she calmed down.  Then, she kept apologizing to me, but this keeps happening over and over again."

The therapist worked with Alice individually for a while to help her to become aware of her emotional triggers before these triggers overwhelmed her (see my article: Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers and Working on Emotional Trauma: Separating the Past From the Present).

As a first step, she taught Alice how to use mindfulness to keep herself centered and bring about increased awareness to her emotional reactivity, so Alice could keep herself from overreacting (see my article: Developing Coping Skills).

By using mindfulness and being aware of the triggers that caused her reactivity, over time, Alice gradually learned how to stop herself from going into an emotional tailspin and arguing with Ted.  This was a good first step and it worked for her most of the time, but she was still struggling with her insecurities and it took a lot of effort to stay calm.

Once Alice developed better coping skills and began practicing mindfulness, the therapist helped Alice to work through the unresolved childhood trauma using EMDR Therapy (see my articles: Overcoming Trauma With EMDR Therapy: When the Past is Affecting the Present and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

EMDR therapy got to the root of Alice's unresolved childhood trauma so that, gradually, she was no longer triggered.  She worked through the loss, overwhelming fear and sadness that she experienced as a child, and she no longer got triggered with her husband.

Getting Help in Therapy

You might not understand the underlying issues that contribute to your emotions, but a skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand and overcome these problems (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than allowing your insecurity and jealousy to ruin your relationship and erode your self esteem, get help in therapy.  It could make all the difference for you and your partner.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming the Insecurities That Are Ruining Your Relationship

I've seen many clients in my psychotherapy office in New York City, both individuals and couples, where personal insecurities were having a negative effect on their relationship.  Often, this takes the form of one or both people needing constant reassurance that they are loved by their partner.

When Needing Constant Reassurance in Your Relationship Becomes a Negative Habit
Needing constant reassurance about your relationship can become a negative habit.  This dynamic can ruin a relationship fast.  It can be exhausting, especially when the person doing the reassuring realizes that no amount of reassurance will alleviate his or her partner's insecurities.

Overcoming the Insecurities That Are Ruining Your Relationship

The following fictionalized vignette is an example of where one person's insecurities in a relationship can have a negative impact:

Jane and Bob:
After Jane and Bob were dating for three months, they realized that they had fallen in love and decided to become exclusive with each other.

As soon as Jane realized that she was in love with Bob, she started feeling insecure:  Did he really love her or was he just telling her this?  Would he meet another woman at work, where there were so many attractive women, and leave her?

When they were together, Jane was vigilant as to whether Bob was looking at other women.  If she thought she saw him looking at another woman, she would panic and ask him for assurances that he loved her.  At first, Bob was flattered and reassured Jane.

But when it kept happening nearly every time that they went out, he began to feel irritated and he told her she had nothing to worry about, and it was annoying for him to feel pressured to constantly reassure her.  This only made Jane feel worse.

Jane's insecurities got worse over time.  If Bob didn't call her back immediately, she wondered if he was with someone else.  When she mentioned this to Bob, he got angry.  He asked her if he had given her any reason to think this.

When Jane calmed down, she knew, in reality, that Bob wouldn't cheat on her.  But once doubt crept into her mind, she had a hard time containing her worries and keeping it to herself. She felt compelled to ask him about it.

After a while, Bob got frustrated and told Jane that she should go to therapy to deal with this.  Jane knew that Bob was right--she was having a problem and if she didn't overcome these insecurities, their relationship wouldn't last.  So, she sought the help of a licensed mental health professional.

During her therapy, Jane realized that a lot of her insecurities stemmed from feelings of abandonment from childhood.  Jane's mother was in and out of her life from the time Jane was born.  So, Jane needed to work through this early loss and her fears of abandonment so she wouldn't displace her fears on Bob.

Jane also developed better coping skills in therapy.  As she was working on her earlier trauma, she learned how to contain her fears and insecurities so she no longer blurted them out to Bob.  Soon, they were getting along much better and talking about moving in together.

Getting Help in Therapy
Assuming that your romantic partner doesn't give you any objective reasons to feel insecure about your relationship, your insecurities might be linked to unresolved childhood issues.  It's hard to see this on your own because your fears and insecurities often feel so real in the current situation, even though they're really part of an earlier trauma.

You could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to work through your fears and insecurities.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

For many people who have ended long term relationships or marriages, entering the dating world for the first time in a long time when you're in your 40s and beyond can be challenging.  A lot has changed  in the dating scene, and it can be intimidating.

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

When you're in your teens and 20s, it's easier to meet other single people because you're thrown together in high school or college. You don't have to make as much of an effort as you do when you're older and you have to seek people out.

After the end of a long term relationship, you might have a lot of mixed feelings about getting out into the dating world again.  

On the one hand, a lot of insecurities can come up for you about your age, your weight, your looks, and the fact that you're not familiar with this new world of dating.  It's tempting to stay home with the covers over your head and eat a pint of ice cream.  

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

But, on the other hand, if you don't want to be alone, and there aren't a line of people standing outside your door dying to meet you, you need to make an effort to get over your fears and get out to meet people.

I won't go into all the ways there are to meet people these days, whether it's online dating services, speed dating, singles events or other activities.  This information is readily available.  I will add a note of caution that it's always best to meet people in a public place, especially before you get to know them well.  

I have worked with many clients who have found themselves single again after many years.  Their anxiety about entering this new phase of their lives is understandable, but many of them eventually felt an excitement about the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences.

One woman, who loved to dance and who was married to a man for many years who hated dancing, was thrilled to meet a man who shared her enthusiasm for dancing.  They took ballroom dancing lessons together and had a great time together.  It opened up a whole new world for her.

I've know at least six or seven couples in their 50s and 60s who met online after being divorced or widowed for a long time.  They're having more fun now than when they were teenagers.  And they feel younger than they've felt in a long time.

Rather than engaging in a lot of negative self talk and indulging all your fears, have a positive attitude of openness and curiosity, and have fun.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many people to overcome their fears about entering into new phases in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Dating vs Being in a Relationship