Falling In Love With Charisma Instead of Character

An attraction between two people is made of many different aspects, most of which are unconscious (see my article: Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love).  You can be drawn initially to someone's looks, personality, and intelligence.  You might also be bowled over by his or her charisma.  But, beyond charisma, it takes a while to really see who a person is in terms of his or her character and, in the long run, character is much more important than charm (see my article: Are You Ignoring Early Warning Signs in Your Relationship?)

Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

What Does It Mean to Have a Good Character?
Having a good character includes, among other things:

• Integrity
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Empathy
• Loyalty
• Good judgment
• Strong Values

How Do People Build Character
Character building usually takes place from an early age when parents teach children morals like "following the Golden Rule" (treating others the way you want to be treated), having a sense of empathy for others, having integrity and being honest.

Character Building Usually Starts at an Early Age

These lessons, which start at a young age, continue on for a lifetime because character building is a lifelong process.

How Do You Assess a Romantic Partner's Character?
As I mentioned before, it takes time.  You need to see this person in many different situations to see how s/he behaves.  As with anything, actions speak louder than words (see my article: Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again).

Everyone looks good in candlelight.  And when life is going well, you don't necessarily get to see someone's true character.

But when there's a challenging situation in your life or in your partner's life that requires more than just intelligence or charm--that requires honest, integrity, empathy, loyalty or having a sense of values--you're more likely to see if your partner behaves in a way that shows good character.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario which illustrates these points:

Ina
Ina met John at her friend's party and she was drawn to him immediately.  He was the handsomest, funniest, most charming man in the room.  Everyone was drawn to him, men and women.

Once they started talking, Ina and John only had eyes for each other.  Within a week, they began dating and spending a lot of time together.

Ina was impressed with how knowledgeable John was about so many interesting topics:  art, movies, languages, real estate, and cooking.

Relationships:  Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

He always complimented her on how she looked and what she wore.  He was attentive to her, and he seemed to hang onto her every word.

He seemed to be the perfect gentleman, and so different from many of the men that she dated before.

Their sex life was exciting and passionate, and Ina felt adventurous in a way she never felt before.

They had many of same interests, including music, art, and a love of dancing.

Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

When Ina introduced him to her close friends, her friends liked him instantly, and found him to be very engaging and charming.  She felt so happy to be with John and that he fit in with her friends.

After several months, Ina had fantasies of spending the rest of her life with John.

Then, about six months later while Ina and John were on vacation, she overheard him having a conversation with a friend about his real estate business.

She was stunned to hear him laugh and say, "Those old geezers who are selling that apartment don't even know what it's worth.  They're selling it way below market rate and they're too stupid to know it."

At first, Ina was so stunned that she couldn't believe what she had heard.  So, when he got off the phone, she asked him about it, and he tried to brush it off and tell her not to worry about it--he was just chatting with a friend.

But Ina grew up learning to respect others, especially the elderly, and she told him that she was surprised at what he said.  She told him that it sounded like he was doing something that was unethical and he was knowingly taking advantage of these older people and enjoying it.

John got defensive and told her he didn't want to talk about it, but when Ina persisted, he exploded, "How do you think I make money?  I make money by investing in properties and then flipping them.  I don't make money by worrying if I'm 'taking advantage of people.'  If you don't understand that, then you're very naive.  Everyone has to look out for himself, and that's what I'm doing--I'm looking out for Number One--me.  There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing."

They argued about this back and forth with John giving her many other examples where he made "good deals" because people didn't understand the value of their property.  This even included family members.

Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

As Ina looked at John and listened to him talk, she felt she was no longer looking at the man that she fell in love with several months ago.  He no longer seemed good looking and charming to her.  He just looked ugly to her inside and out.

She knew it was over between them, and she left feeling broken hearted and betrayed.  She thought to herself, "How could I have been fooled by someone who turned out to be so self absorbed, dishonest, uncaring and unethical?"

Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character

A few weeks later, Ina began therapy to understand how she had been so misled by someone who seemed so wonderful at first.

One of the things that she learned in therapy was that it takes a while to really get to know someone.  She learned that she would need to see someone in good times and bad to really understand what that person is made of and if he is someone with whom she would want to make a long term commitment

Conclusion:
People are often attracted to good looks, charm or affluence.  But those are superficial qualities and they're not good predictors of happiness in a relationship.

It takes time to really get to know someone, and you usually get to truly know someone when either you or they are going through a challenging time.

While everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, you can often discern someone's integrity and values when s/he is faced with a moral dilemma or a situation that requires ethical behavior.

Does this person behave with honesty and integrity?  Does s/he have empathy for others?

The two of you might not agree about how to proceed in a particular situation, but if you discover that your partner tends to behave in ways that are selfish, uncaring and dishonest, you would do well to question whether this is someone you want to commit to in a long term relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've had a bad experience in a relationship because you were initially taken in by a charismatic person who turned out to be someone very different from the person you thought he or she was, this can be very confusing and you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional to help you through it (see my article:  Learning From Past Romantic Relationships).

Rather than feeling ashamed or guilty about having been taken in by this person, seek help to understand yourself in this situation and to learn to avoid this mistake in the future.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic Partner

In my prior article, A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Self Esteem, I began a discussion that described the primary characteristics of many people with narcissistic traits and provided a composite vignette to illustrate the challenges of being with a narcissistic partner.  In this article, I'll focus on some strategies for dealing with a narcissistic partner.

Coping Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic Partner

As I mentioned in my prior article, some people have narcissistic traits with certain characteristics and not others (see my prior article for a list of the most common traits).

The strategies that I'm about to recommend are not for situations where there is emotional and/or physical abuse.  So if you're in a situation where you're being abused, you need to do whatever you can so you can be safe.

Coping Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic Partner

It's not unusual for people who are narcissistic to be emotionally abusive (sometimes without even realizing it) because they often lack empathy for others, even their loved ones.

If your partner is unwilling to get help to change, there is little hope that your situation will improve. At that point, it's best to seek help yourself as an individual.

Strategies for Dealing With a Narcissistic Partner

Become Aware of Denial:  Your Partner's Denial as Well as Your Own
Denial is common for both the person who is narcissistic and the person who is in the relationship with a narcissist.  People with narcissistic traits often lack insight into themselves so they either unwilling and/or unable to see their narcissistic traits.

People who are in relationships with narcissists often in denial about their partner's narcissism.  It might be an emotional blind spot that they have or there might be some other reason (fear of being alone, not knowing what to do, having little self regard for themselves and so on).

Coping Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic Partner: Be Aware of Denial

You can't change your partner, no matter how much you would like to do it.  But you can change yourself.

You'll need to be honest with yourself about how you feel about your partner, your relationship and how you feel about yourself in this relationship.

People with narcissistic traits often "put down" their partners, either directly or indirectly to boost their own egos.  If you're in denial about this, it can be detrimental to your self esteem.

Having a sense of awareness is the first step in overcoming denial.  Although it might be difficult, you need to see your partner, your relationship and yourself clearly.

Find Out If Your Narcissistic Partner is Willing to Get Help in Therapy
As I mentioned in my prior article, for many people with narcissistic traits, shame is an underlying issue that is covered over by grandiosity (see my article:  Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

Unfortunately, many people with narcissistic traits are unwilling to get help because they're either in denial or they're too ashamed.  Without help, people with narcissistic traits usually don't change on their own.

Find Out If Your Partner Is Willing to Get Help in Therapy

For people who do seek help, they often do so because the shame becomes too painful or they've had a very big blow to their sense of self (a breakup, a job loss or other losses) or, despite their grandstanding, they feel empty inside and this has become unbearable.

Become Aware of Your Partner's Possible Manipulative and Sociopathic Tendencies
Some people who are highly narcissistic also have sociopathic tendencies.  This can include manipulative behavior where they "use" people for their own gains, possibly including you.

It can also include criminal behavior.

Narcissism: Possible Manipulative and Sociopathic Tendencies

Because narcissists are often charismatic, it's easy to be taken in by them, so you might not see sociopathic tendencies at first.

But if you see that your partner has an attitude that "the ends justify the means" to get whatever s/he wants, whether this is in his or her personal life or career, beware.  This is definitely a red flag, and you might become a victim of your partner's whims or implicated in a scheme.

Once again, not all narcissists are sociopaths, but some are, so you need to be especially aware of this possible tendency.

People who are narcissistic tend to externalize their problems and blame others, including their loved ones.

So, for instance, if you talk to your partner about something s/he is doing that you don't like, your partner could manipulate by trying to turn it around and blame it on you by telling you something like, "You're imagining things" or "It's your fault."

It takes courage to stand your ground, especially if you know that you're being negatively affected by your partner's behavior.  S/he might not see it and, often, has little or no motivation to see it.

Unfortunately, in many circumstances, narcissists, including sociopaths, are rewarded for their behavior, even when their behavior is unethical or illegal.

For instance, in some companies, if a high-ranking employee is making money for the company, even if the higher ups know that his or her behavior is illegal, this behavior is condoned and, often, encouraged.

So, if you're the one calling your partner out on his or her behavior, your partner might justify his or her behavior by telling you that it's what makes him or her successful.

Become Aware of Whether You're Complicit in Your Partner's Narcissistic Behavior
Narcissists often choose partners who are willing to not "rock the boat" and call them on their behavior.

Are You Complicit in Your Partner's Narcissistic Behavior?

Even though your partner is responsible for his or her own behavior, you need to become aware of whether you're being complicit in the behavior:

• Are you turning a blind eye when your partner puts down your family members or your friends?  
• Are you going along with your partner's assertions that other people are "too sensitive" when you know that your partner is being hurtful to them?
• Do you make excuses for his or her behavior to yourself and to others?

All of this is part of denial and nothing will change as long as you're complicit with your partner's behavior.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being honest with yourself about your partner as well as your own role in the relationship might be one of the hardest things that you do.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people find it difficult to do this on their own and need the professional help of a licensed mental health professional.

If you're struggling with effects of being in a relationship with a narcissist, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Self Esteem

In a prior article, Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame, I discussed how the grandiosity that people with narcissistic traits exhibit is often a cover up for an internal sense of shame.  In this article, I'm focusing on the challenges for people in relationships with partners who have narcissistic traits.

A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Self Esteem

Being in a relationship with a person who has narcissistic traits can be difficult.  Over time, a person with narcissistic traits can affect the way you feel about yourself.

Let's first look at some of the characteristics of people who have narcissistic traits:

• A Sense of Entitlement and a Need to Be the Center of Attention:  People with narcissistic traits often feel that they should be treated like they're "special."  They often feel that they should be the center of attention and that other people should fulfill their needs (often immediately).  They feel easily slighted.  Often, if they're not the center of attention and they can't get others to pay attention to them, they become angry because they're not getting their way or they might become dismissive of the situation ("I really didn't like these people anyway") as a defense against feeling slighted.

• A Need to Dominate the Conversation:  People with narcissistic traits like to dominate conversations to talk about themselves.  Often, they can go on and on without noticing that they haven't allowed other people to talk.  If you happen to disagree with what they've said, they can feel emotionally injured and get angry or indignant.  At that point, they might ignore you and talk on as if they didn't hear you, dismiss what you've said or insist that they're right (even when they're not).

• A Lack of Respect For Others:  Many people with narcissistic traits are so self centered that they feel they're not accountable when it comes to certain rules or social etiquette.  They feel the rules don't apply to them because they're "special" and if you can't see how "special" they are, they feel there's something wrong with you that you don't see it.  This goes along with a sense of entitlement.

• A Need to Impress:  People with narcissistic traits often like to impress or charm others to get compliments or recognition.  This might include how they look (including, for women, breast enlargement or liposuction to attract men and to feel more attractive than other women), financial gains, career status or bragging about knowing "important people."  This might also include overspending on things that they can't afford, like a luxury car, in order to gain status or appear that they have more money than they actually have.

• A Lack of Empathy:  One of the most challenging traits for someone who is in a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits is their lack of empathy.  Empathy allows you to put yourself in the other person's shoes to try to understand what's going on with him or her.  Because the person with narcissistic traits is self centered, s/he often has a hard time empathizing with someone else.  When you're around someone who is especially narcissistic, it can feel like you're alone because this person is unable to "tune in" to what's going on with you and, sometimes, lacks interest in doing this.

• A Need to Blame Others For Their Problems:  It's not unusual for people with narcissistic traits to blame others for their problems.  Rather than taking responsibility for a mistake, they find a way to blame someone else.  If you're in a relationship with someone like this, you will probably be the one that is often blamed ("I wouldn't have forgotten if you had reminded me.  It's your fault").  Their underlying shame makes it difficult for them to own their mistakes (see below).

• An Underlying Sense of Shame:  Even though people with narcissistic traits might exhibit grandiose behavior, it's often a cover for a sense of shame that they hide (see my prior article about narcissism).  Often, they didn't get the emotional attunement that they needed as children which can lead to a deep sense of shame.

The traits that I've described above tend to be the most dominant characteristics of people who are narcissistic.  Not everyone has every trait or every trait to the highest degree.  There can be variations on the theme.

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how being in a relationship with a narcissistic person can have a negative impact on your self esteem:

Ann
When Ann met John at a party, she thought he was the handsomest, most charming and intelligent man that she had ever met.  He also had a great sense of humor and he made her laugh the whole night.  She felt captivated by his charm and wit.  She could see that other men and women at the party were also riveted by him as well.

During the first few months of dating, Ann had a wonderful time with John.  Not only was he a lot of fun, but he took her to the best restaurants in the city and they got special service.  He was also very generous with her.

A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Self Esteem

Ann was also amazed at all of his accomplishments--first in his class in college, captain of the football team, and a quick rise to the top at his company.

Everything seemed to be going well until one night when they were at dinner and Ann disagreed with something that John said.  They happened to be talking about an area that was Ann's area of expertise, history, and John attributed a particular quote to the wrong person.

Ann thought she was being gentle and tactful when she told him who actually said the quote, but John's mood suddenly switched from being light and funny to being angry and sharp with Ann.  He insisted that he was right and Ann was wrong.  She was shocked because she had never seen John like this before.

Ann didn't want to make a big deal out of this, so she told him that it didn't matter and it might be better to talk about something else.  But John wouldn't let it go, and he insisted that he was right and that she was wrong.  He also insisted that Ann acknowledge this.

Ann managed to change the subject but, afterwards, when she got home, she wondered about this.  She came away feeling uncomfortable and wondered why it had been so important to John to be "right."  To satisfy her curiosity, she looked up the quote and she saw that she was right, but she decided not to bring this up with John because she didn't want to get into it again.

Ann thought that John was probably having an off moment and decided to forget about it.

A few days later, Ann and John got together with her friends, Mary and Ed.  This was the first time that Ann's friends were meeting John, and Ann hoped that everyone would like each other.

Soon after the introductions, John asked Ed what type of car he drove.  When Ed told him that he drove a Honda, John laughed and told Ed that he drove a Mercedes Benz, he has always had a Mercedes and he wouldn't think of driving anything else.

A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Self Esteem

There was a pause in the conversation and Ann felt uncomfortable.  She could see that John was behaving in a competitive way with Ed and it made her feel uneasy.

Then, Ed changed the subject and they began talking about sports.  At one point, John interrupted Ed to tell everyone that when he had been the captain of his college football team, professional scouters were interested in him, but he injured himself so he didn't join a pro team.  But if it hadn't been for that injury, he surely would be on a pro team now.

Without giving anyone else a chance to talk, John continued to talk about himself--even though he didn't become a pro football player, he is very successful and makes a lot of money.  Then, he proceeded to go over all of his career accomplishments.  He spent the rest of the night grandstanding.

Going on and on, John didn't notice that both Mary and Ed's eyes were glazed over and they were suppressing yawns.

Ann felt so surprised and embarrassed that by the time they were considering dessert, she told them that she had a headache and she thought it would be best if they left early.

John made a big deal of picking up the check, much to Mary's and Ed's annoyance, but John didn't notice that they were annoyed.  His attention was on the waiter, who thanked John profusely for the generous tip.  Ann could see how gratifying this was to John.

When Ann got home, she felt upset that John had been so self centered and obnoxious, so she decided to talk to John about it when she saw him the next time, which was a few days later.

Before Ann could even broach the topic, John asked her why she was friends with Mary and Ed.  Ann was taken aback by this question and asked him why he was asking her this--to which John responded that he didn't see anything special about them.  They seemed boring to him and they clearly weren't able to understand or appreciate his accomplishments because they didn't seem impressed.

At that point, Ann could feel her face getting flush with anger.  She told John that Mary had been her friend since high school and she had been a very supportive and caring friend throughout their friendship together.  And Ed was one of the kindest people that she knew and she was happy for Mary when she met him.  She told John that she felt angry and offended with how John was measuring their worth.

John laughed sarcastically and told Ann that he was surprised that Ann would be interested in hanging out with "losers."  He told her that all of his friends were highly successful with a lot of money, expensive cars and expensive houses.  He wouldn't even consider being friends with people like Mary and Ed.

Then Ann asked him, "Then why are you interested in being with me?" and he responded, "Because you're beautiful and you're successful in your career."

Ann noticed that these attributes were external and, to her, external attributes were a lot less important than someone's internal attributes--like being kind and caring to others.  She realized that John not only didn't see or care about those attributes, but he didn't see them in her.

This was the beginning of the end for Ann.  She told him that she realized that they were two very different people with different values and she didn't want to see him anymore.

For a few weeks after that, Ann received angry, hurtful messages on her voicemail from John.  He told her that if she didn't see what a "good catch" he was, then she must be "a loser" too.

Even though Ann knew that John was a much more shallow person than she realized, his words hurt her.  When she first met John, she didn't see his narcissism.

Narcissistic Partners: Ann Saw John with Another Woman Shortly After the Breakup

A days after she broke up with him, Ann saw John with another woman.  He seemed like he was being his most charming self.  He didn't seem to be broken hearted about Ann.  He didn't even notice her.

Ann began therapy a month later to try to deal with the breakup.

During her therapy, Ann realized that John's charm and attentiveness to her were meant to get her attention so she would like him.  It was all a show--the charm, the wit, the gifts--to get her to admire him, and if she wasn't admiring him, he couldn't tolerate it and she was of no use to him.

She realized that she wasn't a real person to him.  To him, she only existed to the extent that she would admire him.  And because she was beautiful, he saw her as a "trophy" on his arm for other men to admire him for being with her, another form of self aggrandizement for him.

During therapy, Ann was able to make connections between John and her father, who also had many of the same traits.  She realized that since she grew up with someone who was narcissistic, John seemed familiar to her.  But she knew now that she didn't want to be taken in again by another narcissistic man.

Conclusion
People with narcissistic traits, whether they possess all the traits outlined above or some of them, often don't show their narcissistic characteristics at first.  Similar to John, they are often charming and witty and people want to be around them because they're fun.

The problem is that after a while, people with narcissistic traits reveal these characteristics in way that are detrimental to the people around them.  What might have seemed, at first, like fun often turns out to be a way to seek attention from others.  Sooner or later, their sense of entitlement and lack of empathy, among other traits, come to light.

So, it's not unusual for them to have problems having close friendships, romantic relationships or collegial relationships because many people won't put up with them.

In situations where the person with narcissistic traits is a boss or the head of a company, s/he often knows how to defer to the people above them (higher ups, people on the board or shareholders), but their subordinates suffer under their "reign."

Although this article's vignette happened to be about a narcissistic man, there are similar situations where the narcissist is a woman.

In my next article, I'll provide some tips on how to deal with a narcissistic partner (see my article:  Coping Strategies For Dealing With a Narcissistic Partner).

Getting Help in Therapy
Being in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic is a constant challenge.

Getting Help in Therapy

Other people might not see this side of your partner because people with narcissistic traits often know how to hide it, especially if they feel that these other people can be "useful" to them.  So, without your partner acknowledging his or her narcissism and others to acknowledge what you're coping with, you can feel very alone.

Rather than struggling alone, you could seek help from a licensed mental health professional so that you can understand the role that you play in this relationship dynamic, make decisions as to whether you want to stay or leave the relationship, and what you can do to salvage your self esteem.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.