Dating vs Being in a Relationship: Take Time to Get to Know Each Other

In these times of "instant" everything, I find that people often rush into relationships very soon after getting to know each other. After just a few weeks, instead of getting to know each other over time, they're already defining themselves as a couple in a relationship. Shortly after that is when problems usually begin because they don't really know each other.

Why Are People Rushing into Relationships Before They Know Each Other?

I'm not sure why people are in so much more of a rush than they used to be. Possibly with the advent of online dating websites, people feel more pressure to get into a committed relationship quickly because they're aware that there's lots of "competition" out there. Anecdotally, I hear this from both friends and clients that there's a feeling that if you don't "snap up" that the person you like, he or she will keep the online dating profile active and find someone else.

Dating vs Being in a Relationship

Are You Filling in the Blanks Based on Your Fantasy?

When you jump into a committed relationship with someone you hardly know, you usually fill in the blanks about that person based on the fantasy you want. Often, people don't even realize that this is what they're doing until they're surprised to discover something about this person they didn't know and don't like. Then, they're disappointed and wonder how this happened. But the truth is that they didn't really know the other person hardly at all before they rushed into the relationship.

Taking Time to Get to Know Someone Before Getting into a Relationship

My grandmother used to use an expression that my cousins and I used to laugh at called "keeping company." It was sort of the equivalent of dating, but maybe a little more serious. This quaint expression meant that two people were interested in one another and romantically involved. Usually, at that point, they would have met each other's families and it was assumed that they were not seeing anyone else. The next step, if there was going to be a next step, would be that they would get engaged.

While I'm not definitely suggesting that we go back to how things were in my grandmother's day when it comes to relationships (there was a lot that was prudish and oppressive), I see certain advantages to people taking their time and dating for a while before they define themselves as a couple.

How long is "a while"? Well, I think it takes at least a year, ideally two years, before you can get to know someone well enough to have some idea if you're compatible. Of course, you might say it could take a lifetime to get to know someone, and I wouldn't disagree with you. Most of us know couples who thought they knew each other well and then after 25 years discover that they don't.

My point is that the purpose of dating is to take the time to get to know each other over a period of time, seeing each other in all kinds of circumstances (not just over candlelight where everyone looks good) and making a decision based on reality and not fantasies.

Getting to Know Each Other to Establish a Foundation for a Stable Relationship

So, before you hire that U-Haul to move your stuff into the other person's apartment after just a few weeks or months, get to know him or her better. If it's not going to work out, it's better to know in the let's-get-to-know-each-other dating phase than after you call yourselves a couple. If it's going to work out, you'll have built a good foundation for a stable relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing for individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: 
Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment?

Overcoming Codependency: Focus on Yourself First

If you're a spouse or partner of someone who is actively drinking or drugging, no one has to tell you how difficult life can be. 

Overcoming Codependency

Anxiety about raising your children, paying the bills, and just getting through the day can be an uphill struggle. 

Trying to decide whether to stay in the relationship or go might be ever present in your mind. 

Often, one of the biggest challenges is the effect all of this has on your self esteem. When you don't feel good about yourself, you're less likely to take care of yourself in basic ways. Getting proper rest, eating healthy meals, proper grooming, and feeling entitled to emotional support often all go out the window because you're so focused on what new calamity will happen next because of your spouse.

Overfunctioning for Your Spouse

At this point, you might be so wrapped up in over functioning for your spouse that you don't even realize that you're neglecting yourself. All of this can have serious consequences for your physical health and emotional well-being.

Codependent Behavior Patterns Can Be Very Ingrained

At times, especially if codependent patterns are very ingrained, you might not know where to start. How do you change habits that you've formed over a lifetime? It might seem impossible, but thousands of people just like you have learned to turn their lives around through Al-Anon.

Al-Anon

Al-Anon is a supportive, nonjudgmental self help environment where people share their hope and experience about what has worked for them in their recovery from codependence. There is no advice giving or preaching. People share the tools of the program in terms of what has been helpful to them. In the spirit of Al-Anon, you can "take what you like and leave the rest," which means you are free to accept or reject either part or all that has been shared. There's also an opportunity for sponsorship for additional support.

In Al-Anon, people don't pretend they have all the answers. Codependent issues might still be a struggle for many, but they are still committed to the Al-Anon process.

Getting Help to Overcome Codependency

As a psychotherapist, I've worked with many spouses and partners of people who have substance abuse problems, and many of them have benefited from the tools they gained in Al-Anon, which is why I usually recommend it.

No one can tell you what's right for you in your life. Whether you stay or leave your relationship is up to you. But, whatever you decide, it's important to get the emotional support that you need and deserve so you can take care of yourself first.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I provide psychotherapy services, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing to adults. 

I work with individuals and couples, and I've helped many people to overcome codependency issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Al-Anon: Beyond Reciting Slogans

Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself

Ambivalence and Codependence in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

Early recovery can be a challenging time for a person struggling with alcoholism and his or her family. Putting the alcohol down is a positive step which, in itself, can be difficult.

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking. Now What?

For many people, who suffer with alcoholism, alcohol represents a "friend" who is always there to comfort and soothe. The thought of giving up drinking can be very scary during the early stages of recovery. But, beyond that, once you've made the decision to stop drinking, you'll need emotional support and the tools of recovery to help you cope with the challenges that most people face when they're newly sober.

So, what are the challenges of early recovery? 
Well, to start, once you're newly sober, you might find that drinking might have been a maladaptive way of self medicating depression, anxiety or other emotional problems. Alcohol might have done a "good job" of masking a mood disorder that is now more readily apparent.

Early Recovery: You've Stopped Drinking.  Now What?

Early on, when you first experience the discomfort of these feelings, you might be tempted to pick up again. But, before you do, recognize that many people have successfully stopped drinking and have learned new ways of coping with an underlying mood disorder that was masked by excessive drinking.

During early recovery, don't try to go it alone:
Aside from psychotherapy, getting social support in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) or Rational Recovery is often the first best step in getting help to overcome the challenges of early recovery. Meeting other people, who have successfully navigated through the challenges of early recovery and who maintain their sobriety, can feel like a life line. "One Day At A Time" is not just an empty slogan--it's an important coping strategy. Getting phone numbers from A.A. members, reading the literature, attending meetings on a regular basis, and getting a sponsor are all important aspects in recovery.

Psychotherapy with a therapist who has expertise in early recovery can be helpful in dealing with the underlying emotional issues that often come to the surface when you stop drinking. An experienced therapist can help you to learn new coping skills to overcome a mood disorder and face life's challenges as a newly sober person. Beyond psychotherapy, you might need medication for a period of time to help you with the biochemical changes to the brain that alcoholism often causes.

Repairing your relationships:

Once you've stopped drinking, you and your loved ones might need to repair your relationships. Your spouse and children might be very happy that you've put down the alcohol, but they might also have resentments for the emotional damage that has been done by your drinking. Making amends isn't easy, but it's an important part of recovery. It's important to listen to what your family has to say and to take responsibility for your actions. Repairing these relationships begins by listening in an non-defensive way, not making excuses, and then expressing a heartfelt apology. Repair doesn't happen over night. You'll need to regain your family's trust over time. But taking these first steps are crucial.

Early Recovery: Repairing Your Relationships 

Beyond that, even though your spouse might have wanted you to get sober, when you do become sober, this is a change for you and your family. Change, even positive change, can be difficult and stressful. For instance, when you were actively drinking, your spouse might have been the one to make major decisions about money or child rearing. But now that you're sober, you want to participate in the decision making. For your spouse, sharing these responsibilities with you now, after years of doing this on her or his own, isn't easy. And you might need to develop certain skills that you missed developing while you were actively drinking.

Al-Anon for family members:

I usually recommend that spouses of people in alcohol recovery attend Al-Anon to get their own support. It's easy to under estimate the challenges of this stage in a relationship. Developing internal resources, coping skills, learning to overcome codependent behavior, and getting social support are part of what Al-Anon is all about. A relationship is a two-way street. Often, it's easy to point the finger of blame on the person struggling with alcoholism. It's usually harder to see the role of the spouse in this dynamic.

The rewards of getting sober:

The challenges of early recovery can be difficult but not insurmountable. The rewards that come with living life as a sober person usually outweigh the challenges. A healthy sense of pride, an increase in self esteem, and an overall sense of well-being are among the benefits you can experience when you decide to stop drinking and get healthy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing.

I have worked with many individuals and couples to help them to successfully overcome addictive and codependent behavior.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:
Asking for Forgiveness: The Power of Making Amends

Overcoming Your Fear of Abandonment That Keeps You in an Unhealthy Relationship - Part 2:

In my blog post yesterday, I began the discussion about fear of being alone and lonely, how common it is, and how it can manifest: Are Your Fears of Being Abandonment Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship? Part 1.

In today's blog post I will focus on how I help clients to overcome the fear of being alone and lonely.

How Fear of Being Alone and Lonely Can Be Related to Childhood Trauma

As previously discussed, the fear of being alone is often a fear about a trauma that has already occurred, usually in childhood.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

While it's true that, as adults, many people unconsciously recreate similar relationships in their lives by choosing people who are emotionally unreliable or who are likely to leave them, that's a topic for another blog post.

The fear that I'm focusing on in yesterday's and today's posts is of the irrational kind where, objectively, there is no rational reason in the here and now to be afraid.

Mind-Body Psychotherapy to Treat Fear of Being Alone

In terms of working through this fear, there is no quick fix. However, in my professional opinion as a psychotherapist who specializes in working with trauma, there are certain treatment modalities that are usually better than others.

Obviously, there is no one-size-fits-all solution but, generally speaking, my experience has been that mind-body oriented psychotherapy is usually more effective than regular talk therapy alone.

When I refer to mind-body psychotherapy, I'm referring to the types of therapies that focus on the mind-body connection. These include clinical hypnosis, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and clinical hypnosis.

When these mind-body oriented treatment modalities are used by a skilled clinician, they tend to be more effective and, generally, work faster than talk therapy alone.

The Mind-Body Psychotherapy Process

During the first few psychotherapy sessions, I listen to the client's experience of how the fear of abandonment is affecting him in his or her current life.

Often, this fear has an adverse effect on his or her current relationship or it might be creating an obstacle with regard to meeting new people. Then, I usually want to get some information about family history, the quality of those relationships and any history of loss or trauma.

From there, I want to assess a client's emotional resources and coping skills before delving into the work. This is especially important when working on trauma.

A skilled clinician will want to ensure that a client has the emotional capacity to work on these issues so that the work will not be retraumatizing. If the client doesn't have the emotional capacity to do the work, a responsible therapist focuses on helping the client to develop the emotional resources.

For example, this might involve teaching the client to do a self soothing meditation on a safe or relaxing place so that he or she doesn't become emotionally overwhelmed while doing trauma work or between therapy sessions.

Often, during this phase of assessing a client's internal resources, many clients ask, "How long will this take?" In fact, there's usually no way to know in advance. Each client is different.

For some clients who have developed emotional resources on their own, the resourcing stage might be relatively short. For instance, if a client already has a regular meditation practice or goes to yoga on a regular basis, more than likely, the resourcing phase will be shorter than for someone who has little in the way of internal resources.

Of course, most of us have coping abilities just to get through life. It's more a question of degree and whether attempts at coping are maladaptive.

In any form of psychotherapy, the relationship between the therapist and the client is important. Under optimal circumstances, when it's a good match, the client develops a sense of trust in the therapist over time.

Without this sense of trust and safety, there is relatively little good therapeutic work that can be done. This is especially true in cases where clients have a fear of being abandoned. Often, this fear will extend into the relationship with the therapist.

Clients will often struggle with their insecurities as to whether it's safe to open up to the therapist, especially if they have a history of feeling abandoned in their early primary relationships.

Assuming that a client is motivated to do the work, sufficiently resourced, and feels safe enough with the therapist to begin doing therapeutic work, then the issue is which treatment modality will work best for a particular client.

Each client is obviously unique. What might be less obvious is that certain types are therapy are more effective for a particular client. Assessing this is often more of an art than a science. At times, I might have an intuitive sense of whether, let's say, hypnosis might work better than EMDR for a particular client.

Other times, it might be a matter of trying a particular mode and seeing how well it works. It helps to have a range of diverse techniques to choose from so that if one technique is ineffective for a particular client, the clinician can try another.

It's not possible in one blog post to discuss every therapeutic method and how it works. Generally, most forms of mind-body psychotherapy work to help clients overcome the original trauma so that it's no longer affecting them in their circumstances.

The advantage of mind-body oriented psychotherapy is that it's not just about developing intellectual insight. While insight is important, it's often not enough to bring about a change or to heal. In my experience, healing is much more likely to occur when there is a more integrative, holistic approach, which Somatic Exiiperiencing, cinical hypnosis, EMDR and other mind-body therapeutic techniques offer.

Working on the original trauma that created the fear of abandonment usually has generalizeable effects. This means that, often, it's not necessary to work on every memory of being abandoned because working on the earliest memory can produce enough of a healing effect to help the client overcome the fear of being abandoned.

In some cases, it might be necessary to work through a few of the seminal experiences of trauma to overcome this fear.

It's important to know, especially for people who suffer with a fear of being abandoned, that it's possible to work through this fear to lead a more fulfilling life. When you can live your life without a fear of being abandoned, you're free to experience the happiness you deserve.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples. 

I have helped many clients overcome their fears of being alone and loneliness so they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

Fear of Abandonment is Not as Unusual as You Might Think
Fear of abandonment as an adult is more common than most people would think. As a psychotherapist in NYC, I've worked with many adult clients who come to therapy to overcome this problem. It's not unusual for clients to seek help for this fear after it has become a serious problem in their personal relationships.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Therapy

Fear of Abandonment Shows in Relationships

Often, the fear of being abandoned manifests as an irrational fear that his or her partner (or spouse) will leave the relationship. Usually, the client knows, deep down when he's not in the grips of the fear, that there's no objective reason for this anxiety.

The relationship is often stable and longstanding, and the partner usually is very reassuring that s/he has no intention of leaving. But, for the person who is overcome by a fear of being abandoned, the objective facts and all of the partner's reassurances have little to no effect on his fear.

Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Therapy

On the face of it, it might not make sense--especially to the person who is struggling with this fear. When he is calm and not in the grips of the fear, he can tell his partner, spouse, therapist as well as himself that his relationship is secure and there's no objective reason for this fear.

And yet, when he has an episode where he is overcome by the fear of being abandoned, the feeling is very real. It's not unusual for his fearful emotions and his more rational thoughts to be diametrically opposed to each other. In effect, his inner thoughts might be saying,"You're fine. You know she won't leave you" while his anxiety continues to escalate with this fear. All of this can be very unsettling and, in some cases, the person might feel that he's losing his mind.

How to Understand Fear of Abandonment

So, how are we to understand this fear of abandonment in an otherwise sane and rational adult? In most cases, the answer lies in one or more seminal events that occurred at a young age.

If, in fact, this person was abandoned, whether it happened literally or in an emotional sense, the trauma of that event (or events) can be triggered in intimate relationships as an adult--even when this person's spouse or partner has given absolutely no indication of abandoning the relationship.

So the fear of being abandoned in these cases is actually of fear for what already happened--not a fear for anything that is going on now.

But because the fear feels so real in the here and now, it can be an emotionally paralyzing experience.

And if it goes on for a while, this person's partner can become annoyed and frustrated that all of his or her reassurances do nothing to mitigate this fear. So, in some cases, it brings about the abandonment that the person fears because it has such a detrimental effect on the relationship.

Getting Help

Over the years, I've worked with many clients to help them overcome the fear of being abandoned. In a future blog post, I'll discuss how the fear of being abandoned can be overcome in psychotherapy.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides a diverse range of services to adult clients, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

See my article:  Psychotherapy: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment - Part 2

Trauma, Dreams and the Healing Power of Somatic Experiencing

Many people, who know about mind-body psychotherapy, know that Somatic Experiencing is one of the most effective and safest ways to work through traumatic memories. But not everyone knows that Somatic Experiencing is also a very effective form of therapy for doing dreamwork on traumatic dreams.

Trauma, Dreams and the Healing Power of Somatic Experiencing

Somatic Experiencing and Dream Work

Usually, when we tell our dreams, we give the narrative and we skim the surface of the emotional content of the dream. Even when I've worked psychoanalytically with dreams, which was my original training, dreams came alive and clients felt healed, but dreams tended to get reduced to various associations related to clients' histories. 

But using Somatic Experiencing to work through dreams related to trauma, we work the dreams using emotional resources that were not part of the original dream. Rather than reducing dreams to certain limited associations, we reenter the dream using the mind-body connection in a resourceful way and we expand the possibilities for reworking the dream to heal the trauma.

Somatic Experiencing as Gentle Therapeutic Treatment for Trauma 

Somatic Experiencing is a gentle therapeutic treatment modality developed by Peter Levine, Ph.D. 

Whether the therapist is working on a traumatic memory or a dream related to the trauma, Somatic Experiencing emphasizes the need for the client to work through the trauma with emotional resources that s/he probably didn't have during the trauma event or in the nightmare about the trauma. 

Rather than going directly to the worst part of the trauma memory or the nightmare (called T-0), Somatic Experiencing starts gently with a more benign part, working its way to T-0 with the emotional resources that were missing before.

What do I mean by this? 

Well, for example, even though we know what actually happened during the traumatic event or in the nightmare and we're not trying to pretend that anything different occurred, working the memory or dream slowly and feeling your emotions in the body in a tolerable way, we experience what it might have been like to have had the emotional resources we needed and didn't have. 

And we experience this in the here-and-now. For instance, what might it have been like to have a trusted loved one, mentor or pet there? Is there something different you would have liked to do in this memory or dream?

You might ask: What good is that going to do if that's not the way it happened? 

The answer is, surprisingly, that when you tell your dream or memory in the present tense, but this time experiencing the narrative with emotional resources you needed at the time, you create a new symbolic memory for yourself and this is healing. 

Of course, you still know what actually happened, but your mind and body experience the healing AS IF it happened the way the dream or memory occurred with these much-needed resources.

I have found Somatic Experiencing to be a gentle, effective and nuanced way of helping clients work through traumatic memories and nightmares.

To Find Out More About Somatic Experiencing
To find out more about Somatic Experiencing, you can read Peter Levine's latest book, In an Unspoken Voice, and his earlier book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.   

Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, and EMDR are among the treatment modalities that I use in working with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy: You're Not Defined By Your Diagnosis

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see many clients who have been in psychotherapy before. People who have a lot of experience with psychotherapy will often start their initial session by saying, "I'm depressed" or whatever they've been told their diagnosis might be. Whenever I hear this, I often have an internal experience where I feel the weight of this client carrying around this identification and self concept, in some cases, for many years.

You're Not Defined By Your Diagnosis

It's Useful to Know There's a Name for What You Feel

Now don't get me wrong: I'm not completely against diagnoses. If you're a person struggling with depression (or some other diagnosis), it's useful to know that. Knowing that there's a name for what you feel and thousands of other people have similar experiences can be comforting and indicates that you're not alone.

...But Your Diagnosis is Not Your Identity
But taking on a diagnosis as a permanent identity is a different story.  When you say, "I'm depressed" almost like you're saying, "I'm Mary" (if that's your name),it's almost as if you're claiming the symptoms of depression as part of your permanent identity as if it's never going to change. Now, we know that, depression, for instance, can be overcome with treatment, whether it's psychotherapy or the combination of psychotherapy and medication. It's not a permanent part of your identity that can't be changed like, possibly, your ethic background or some other unchangeable part of who you are as a person.

Your Diagnosis Isn't Your Identity

When you strongly identify with and embrace your diagnosis by saying "I'm depressed" as opposed to "I'm a person with depression," you're giving yourself a message that this is who you are and it's not going to change. And the more you say it, the more ingrained it becomes in your mind.

What I'm proposing in this blog post is NOT that people should be in denial about what they're experiencing. Instead, I'm proposing that your relationship to your diagnosis doesn't have to be a permanent one. If the reason you come to therapy is to change, if you're constantly giving yourself the message that you are your diagnosis, it's going to be that much harder to change because you've accepted that this is who you are on the most basic and core level. It's giving yourself the message that you're not going to change.

What I'm discussing, about how people label themselves with diagnoses, is more than semantics. it's a way of thinking and holding onto something that you say you want to change by coming to therapy. So, in a way, the internal message that you're giving yourself contradicts what you're trying to change, so you're at odds with yourself.

It's like the opposite of saying self affirmations. Instead of giving yourself positive messages, you're giving yourself a negative message--over and over, so it becomes part a habitual negative thinking.

This is all aside from the fact that, even though there are diagnostic categories, no two people with depression (or any other diagnosis) are the same. And, of course, you're a whole person who is much more than a diagnosis. So, to limit your self identification to your diagnosis is like putting yourself in a small box. What about all the other wonderful parts of you that aren't related to the diagnosis? It becomes easy to overlook all of those positive aspects when you become overly identified with your diagnosis.

It might take a while to develop this type of awareness about yourself but, in the long run, it's much more affirming to who you are as a complete person, beyond labels.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist with expertise in Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis, EMDR, and psychodynamic psychotherapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.