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Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior are often unaware of how their behavior can affect their relationship to their partner as well as their relationship to themselves (see my article: Trauma and People-Pleasing Behavior).
What is People-Pleasing in a Relationship?
People-pleasing in a relationship involves prioritizing the needs, desires and opinions of a partner over your own. As mentioned above, this behavior comes at the expense of the individual's well-being and the emotional health of the relationship.
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| People-Pleasing Behavior |
What Are the Characteristics of People-Pleasing Behavior?
Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior tend to be overly giving because they need to be needed.
Common traits include:
- Having low self worth
- Having little self awareness
- Behaving in an overly agreeable manner
- Accommodating other people's needs at the expense of their own
- Going with the flow of other people's desires
- Being unable to assert their own needs or not even understanding their own needs
- Feeling a sense of worth based on other people's validation as opposed to internal validation
- Apologizing when no apology is necessary
- Taking the blame when they are not at fault
- Making excuses for other people's problematic behavior
What is at the Root of People-Pleasing Behavior?
People-pleasing behavior usually stems from fear of rejection or fear of failure which is usually rooted in early childhood.
This might involve a parent whose love was conditional so the child learns they have to earn their parent's love at the expense of their own needs. It might also involve a parent who was emotionally distant or who was emotionally inconsistent (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People-Pleasing Behavior).
The hallmark of people-pleasing behavior is that individuals look for validation from others as opposed to validating themselves. They want to feel liked and accepted by others because if they can feel validated by others, they feel worthwhile.
These individuals are often conflict avoidant. They like to avoid arguments and confrontations (see my article: How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Ruining Your Relationship).
As a result, they might not tell others how they really feel (or they might not understand how they feel) because their main objective is to keep others happy.
How Does People-Pleasing Behavior Impact Relationships?
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, is an example of how people-pleasing behavior can impact a relationship:
Jane and Bill
When Jane and Bill began dating, Jane often deferred to whatever Bill wanted to do. When he asked her what she would like to do on a Saturday night, she would usually respond by saying, "Whatever you want to do."
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| People-Pleasing Behavior in a Relationship |
Over time, Jane gradually stopped seeing her friends because she wanted to be available in case Bill called her and wanted to go out.
After they got married, Bill got a job offer which involved moving from New York City to Mexico City.
Before he accepted the offer, Bill talked to Jane about how she would feel leaving her teaching job in New York and moving to Mexico. Without considering how she felt, Jane told Bill that if he wanted to move to Mexico City, she would be okay with moving.
Once the school year was over for Jane, they moved to Mexico City and Jane was more isolated than ever. She didn't speak Spanish, she hard no interest in learning, and she hardly ever went out of their apartment. She also felt too insecure to make friends with some of the other American women who lived nearby.
A year into their marriage, Bill knew their relationship was in trouble. He felt resentful that Jane always went along with whatever he wanted whenever there were big decisions to be made. He also felt lonely because he felt the emotional distance that was growing between them.
When a promotion opened up in New York City, Bill talked to Jane about moving back. He told her that he thought she was too isolated in Mexico City. He also shared how lonely he felt with her and he suggested they attend couples therapy when they returned to New York.
Jane complied with Bill's wishes to move back to New York and to get into couples therapy. She wasn't fully aware of how unhappy Bill was until they began their couples therapy sessions and he talked about his despair in the relationship.
At first, Jane couldn't understand why Bill would be unhappy. She felt she was doing everything she could to make him happy and she feared he would leave her, which made her feel even more insecure.
During their couples therapy sessions, Jane began to understand how she tended to submit to whatever Bill wanted in an effort to feel worthy of their relationship. She also realized she needed to attend her own individual therapy to understand why she felt so out of touch with her own wants and needs.
Over time, Jane was able to trace her people-pleasing behavior to her relationship with her parents who were usually too preoccupied with their own interests to take notice of Jane--unless she performed very well in school or received an award. She gained insight into the root of her behavior and how it was damaging to her and her relationship with Bill.
The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but over time Jane gained more of a sense of self. She also realized that her behavior was driven by her fear and insecurity that if she didn't go along with whatever Bill wanted, he would leave her.
The dynamic in their relationship changed slowly over time as Jane got to know herself better and realized that her relationship with Bill was different from her relationship with her parents (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma By Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").
Between her individual therapy sessions, she wrote in her journal as a way to self reflect and understand her feelings. Before she automatically said "yes" to Bill, she thought about what she really wanted. She also realized that whenever she felt she "should" do something, it was usually out of a sense of obligation instead of what she really wanted.
In addition, Jane became aware that whenever she remained silent about her misgivings, her resentment came out in other ways, so she learned to express her feelings rather than keeping them to herself (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship).
Jane also reconnected with her friends and developed new hobbies of her own.
As Jane's confidence grew, she became an equal partner in her relationship with Bill. Their relationship also matured and deepened in a way that made them both happier.
Conclusion
People-pleasing behavior in relationships often has its roots in early family dynamics.
People-pleasing behavior in relationships often remains unconscious until problems arise and the couple explores their dynamic.
This behavior is often difficult to overcome on your own without working with a mental health professional.
Getting Help in Therapy
If you are stuck in people-pleasing behavior, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to gain insight so you can become your own person.
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| Getting Help in Therapy |
Learning to validate yourself rather than depending upon external validation is part of the process (see my article: What is Self Validation?).
Rather than remaining stuck, get help from a skilled mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and IFS), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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