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My article focuses on how stress affects sexual desire in relationships (see my article: To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).
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| Coping With Relationship Stress |
For most people stress is a libido killer: Work stress, raising children and the daily grind of life can leave people feeling depleted and unmotivated to have sex.
When you feel stressed or anxiety and hyper-focused on having an orgasm and ensuring that your partner has an orgasm, your nervous system shifts into a fight-or-flight mode. This is the opposite of what most people need to enjoy sex.
The Impact of Stress on Pleasure:
Stress can affect pleasure on a physical and mental level:
The Physical Impact
- Stress Blocks Blood Flow: Stress releases cortisol and adrenaline, which constrict the blood vessels and direct the flow of blood to the genitals.
- Stress Prevents Relaxation: When the nervous system is under stress and you can't relax, sexual arousal can be difficult.
- Stress Reduces Sensitivity: Anxiety can numb physical sensations. This can make touch less intense or even distracting.
The Mental Impact
- Stress Can Create a Goal-Oriented Mindset: Treating sex like a task to complete creates sexual anxiety (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).
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| Coping With Relationship Stress |
- Stress Can Create "Spectatoring": You become a detached observer and judge your own performance instead of being an embodied participant (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerator and Brakes).
How to Overcome Stress-Related Sexual Problems
To overcome stress-related sexual problems, you can try the following:
- Practice Sensate Focus: Sensate Focus is a common exercise given to couples in sex therapy. It is a structured touching exercise where you and your partner take turns giving and receiving non-sexual touch. There is no sexual activity--even if one or both partners get sexually aroused. Sensate Focus helps to eliminate performance pressure and goal-oriented sex (see my article: What is Sensate Focus?).
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| Coping With Relationship Stress |
- Redefine Intimacy: Dedicate time to non-sexual physical closeness. This can include things like taking a bath together and giving a back massage where there is no pressure or expectation of sexual intercourse.
- Redirect Your Thoughts: When you feel your mind racing when you and your partner are being sexually intimate, shift your focus in a mindful way to other sensations--like the texture of skin, sound of music or slow, deep breathing.
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| Coping With Relationship Stress |
- Talk to Your Partner: Instead of trying to suppress your stress and anxiety, which can make it worse, talk openly with your partner outside the bedroom (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).
- Share What You Each Like: Talk to your partner about what feels comfortable and pleasurable to remove guesswork and doubt.
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| Coping With Relationship Stress |
- Be Aware of Fluctuations in Sexual Desire: Acknowledge to each other that it's normal to have fluctuations in sexual desire to eliminate any performative aspects of sex. If you don't want to have sex on a particular occasion, instead of just rejecting your partner outright, suggest another time during the week to have sex (see my article: Coping With Occasional Sexual Rejection).
- Make Lifestyle Changes: Lifestyle changes like engaging in some form of physical exercise at a level that is right for you (e.g., walking, working out at the gym or taking a yoga class) can lower stress and increase blood flow. You can also engage in mindfulness to train your brain to stay in the present moment. Also, limiting caffeine, reducing alcohol and eliminating nicotine can improve your nervous system and vascular health (see my article: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?).
Get Help in Sex Therapy
Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)
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| Get Help in Sex Therapy |
Sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who have advanced training and a certification in sex therapy.
There is no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptons About Sex Therapy?).
Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for many reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?
If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your sexual problems, you could benefit from working with a sex therapist.
About Me
I am a licensed New York mental health professional who is a Certified Sex Therapist.
In addition to being a sex therapist, I am also a trauma therapist who has advanced training in psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and hypnotherapy.
I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
Also See My Articles:
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