Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Many couples don't hold a shared definition of what constitutes infidelity, which frequently leads to chronic arguments, broken boundaries, and deep relational conflict. Different relationship structures—ranging from strict monogamy to consensual nonmonogamy—operate under vastly different assumptions regarding fidelity.

Minimalist line drawing reflecting internal values, self-reflection, and relationship transparency. Adults and couples can schedule clinical sessions at the Greenwich Village, NYC private practice of Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.

In many partnerships, individuals avoid discussing what they believe is cheating until they encounter an active crisis. To protect your bond from infidelity trauma, it's essential to proactively outline your boundaries before a breach of trust occurs.

Shifting Boundaries: From Monogamy to Non-Monogamy

Generally speaking, most people define cheating as any romantic or sexual behavior that violates the explicit or implicit rules of their relationship agreement. However, modern relationship psychology recognizes that fidelity boundaries exist on a spectrum:

• Monogamous Relationships: Fidelity typically requires absolute emotional, romantic, and physical exclusivity. Any external romantic attachment or sexual contact is classified as a breach of trust.
• Consensual Nonmonogamous (CNM) Relationships: Couples build an explicit, customized relationship agreement detailing specific boundary parameters. For example, a CNM agreement might state that a partner is permitted to have sexual encounters while traveling out of town, but must remain exclusive while at home. These agreements often specify the frequency of outside encounters, permissible types of sexual acts, or rules regarding emotional attachments.

5 Forms of Infidelity Discussed in Couples Therapy

In specialized couples therapy and sex therapy sessions, conflicts often center around distinct, modern variations of unfaithful behavior:

1. Physical Infidelity

This includes any unauthorized sexual acts, physical touch, or erotic encounters outside the relationship that violate the core partnership agreement.

2. Emotional Cheating

An emotional affair occurs when a partner forms a deep, intimate connection with someone outside the relationship without their significant other's knowledge or consent. This involves sharing private vulnerabilities, confiding personal problems or relying on an external figure for the primary emotional support that is typically reserved for a spouse or partner.

3. Sexting and Digital Affairs

The digital age has introduced micro-cheating and online affairs. This includes sending explicit text messages, exchanging intimate photos or cultivating secret romantic dynamics across social media platforms and dating apps.

4. Intentional Flirting

Many individuals consider sustained or secret flirting outside the relationship to be a boundary violation, as it directs sexual and romantic energy away from the primary partner.

5. Secret Consumption of Pornography

While pornography usage varies, some partners classify it as a form of cheating if it involves active deception. Others partners don't mind because they see it as harmless. The problem is that most people don't discuss this beforehand and so misunderstandings can develop (see my article: How to Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Your Partner's Porn Viewing).

Practical Steps to Establish Clear Relationship Boundaries

If you and your partner hold conflicting views on what constitutes unfaithful behavior, you can build safety and alignment using these clinical strategies:

• Negotiate and Define Explicit Rules: Do not rely on assumptions. Sit down with your partner and explicitly define what behaviors cross the line into cheating. Treat your relationship as a fluid contract that requires ongoing negotiation.
• Cultivate Radical Transparency: Have open, non-defensive communication about your personal values regarding fidelity. Discuss your boundaries around work friendships, social media usage, and individual privacy to prevent future misunderstandings.
• Address Lies of Omission: Recognize that deception is often more damaging than the act itself. If you are hiding an interaction or a friendship because you know your partner would be upset, you are actively harboring a secret that erodes trust.

Rebuilding Safety with an NYC Couples & Sex Therapist

Learning to align different values around fidelity can be exceptionally difficult, especially if a boundary breach has already occurred. When couples try to navigate the painful aftermath of emotional or physical infidelity without clinical support, they often trap themselves in combative conflict loops.

Working with a skilled professional provides a secure conversational container to untangle unmet needs, heal attachment anxieties, and negotiate an honest, honoring relationship agreement.

About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, Advanced Trauma Specialist, and Certified Sex Therapist with over 25 years of experience guiding individual adults and couples through complex relational, emotional, and sexual challenges. 

My Greenwich Village private practice integrates cutting-edge somatic and experiential psychotherapies to help individuals and clients to safely de-escalate conflict, recover from betrayal, and build resilient, transparent partnerships. including:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT for couples)

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)

• EMDR Therapy

• AEDP

• IFS Parts Work Therapy

• Clinical Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy)

Connect with My Greenwich Village Psychotherapy Practice:

• 🌐 Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to explore my clinical philosophies and read more relationship insights.
• 📞 Phone: Call (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours
• ✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
• 📍 Location: Conveniently located for in-person sessions at my private office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011, and available for secure online teletherapy throughout New York State.