Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

Many clients who come to see me for sex therapy talk about how intimidating it is when their partner(s) ask them what they like to do sexually. This is daunting for many people whether it's a new relationship or a long term relationship (see my article: Finding Your Sexual Voice).

It's not just that they find it difficult to talk about sex, which can be hard for many people, it's also that they don't know what they like sexually and might not have ever thought about it before (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

Know That You're Not Alone

A lot of people assume everyone else knows what they like to do sexually and they're having swinging-off-the chandelier sex every night.  So, when they hear that being unsure about what's sexually pleasurable is a common problem for many people, they're relieved.  

The first step for many sex therapy clients is to overcome their fear, shame and guilt about sex so they can start to get curious about what they like without judgment (see my article: Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

This is no easy task.  It often means overcoming whatever negative messages they got in their family of origin, their culture or religion where talking about sex was either forbidden or shrouded in mystery.  It can also mean overcome the traumatic effects of sexual abuse.

The next step in the process for many sex therapy clients is to get curious about what they like, don't like or might like to try (see my article: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self).

Depending upon what you're curious about, this could mean exploring beyond whatever sexual experiences you've had so far.

So, for example, for a heterosexual man or woman who has only experienced penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex in the traditional missionary position, this could mean getting curious about other sexual positions or exploring non-penetrative sex, which is often referred to as "outercourse" (see my articles: What is Your Sexual Script? and Changing Your Sexual Script).

Once sex therapy clients give themselves permission to get curious and even feel excited about other sexual possibilities beyond their personal experience, they're often ready to think about and explore many other sexual possibilities.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach in sex therapy for everyone, so there are many ways to explore sexual possibilities.  

Your particular sexual exploration will probably be different from someone else's depending upon many factors including whether you're questioning your sexual orientation or gender, what your experiences have been so far, whether you're in a relationship or relationships and what kind of relationship(s) you're in, if you tend to be cautious or bold, how your attachment style affects you sexually and many other issues (see my article: What is Consensual Non-Monogamy?).

The point is that you and your sex therapist can tailor a sex therapy approach based on your particular needs.

Sex Education in the U.S. is Inadequate at Best

Before we go on, I want to say a word or two about sex education in the U.S.

Unfortunately, most adults didn't get adequate sex education in school--assuming they got any sex ed at all.  This is because most sex education is focused on the negative aspects of sex, including avoiding getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI), avoiding pregnancy and so on.

It's not that these issues aren't important because they certainly are.  It's just that sex is so much more than avoiding negative consequences.  It's also about pleasure, which isn't covered in a most sex ed programs in the United States or in many other countries as of this writing.

How Can You Begin to Explore Sexual Possibilities?

Before you can create a sexual menu for yourself, which I'll discuss in Part 2 of this topic, you need to know about what types of sexual possibilities exist, so it helps if you do some exploration on your own.

The following are a few possibilities for exploring sexual possibilities you might like:

• Watching Ethical Pornography: Traditional pornography gives very skewed, misogynistic and misleading information about sex. Aside from that, traditional porn has been known to include underage actors and victims of sex trafficking who are forced to make these videos against their will.  In addition, it's important to remember that actors in traditional pornography are acting based on what the makers of these videos think most men want so this often doesn't include what women might like. On the other hand, ethical porn, which is often made by women who are feminists, usually gives a more realistic portrayal of sex and includes not just what men might like sexually but also what many women might like. The following list includes ethical porn sites in no particular order and no personal preference on my part. These sites are considered sex positive sites (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?)

• Bellesca: This site is designed to help women explore their sexuality in a diverse  atmosphere where they are respected and valued in their own right.  Women are celebrated and not portrayed solely as sexual objects to be conquered.

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

• Lust Cinema: Developed by filmmaker and feminist, Erika Lust, this site portrays sex with diverse bodies, genders, age, racial identities and sexual preferences.

• Make Love Not Porn: Cindy Gallop makes films that portray sex in real life that takes into account diversity with realistic scenes instead of the contrived portrayals in traditional porn.

• Reading Erotica: There is so much variety in erotica today. A basic Google search will provide a lot of information about erotica you can read or, if you prefer, you can listen to on sites like Dipsea.

Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List

• Creating a List of Your Peak Erotic Experiences and Core Erotic Themes: If you have had exciting sexual experiences with your current partner(s) or prior partners, you can make a list of the experiences you enjoyed the most to understand what you liked and what else you might be curious about (see my articles: What is Eroticism?, What Are Your Core Erotic Themes? and Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

• Listening to Sex Podcasts: There are many excellent sex podcasts that provide sex education, including:

• Sex and Psychology podcast
• Sex with Dr. Jess
• Sexology Podcast
• Sex with Emily
• Sluts and Scholars
• Foreplay Radio
• Ester Perel's Where Should We Begin? 
• Pillow Talks (Vanessa and Xander Marin)

• Exploring Examples of Other Yes, No, Maybe Lists: If the thought of creating your own Yes, No, Maybe list feels too intimidating, you might find it helpful to explore examples of other Yes, No, Maybe Lists created by sex therapists and sex coaches. Be aware that these lists are made up for a diverse population and everything on there might not be to your liking, but it might pique your curiosity and give you ideas about what you might want to include on your own list:

• William Lynch, Will Sex Coach Yes, No, Maybe Checklist: https://willsexcoach.weebly.com/uploads/1/2/4/6/124623137/yes_no_maybe_checklist.pdf

• A.E. Osworth, You Need Help: Here is a worksheet to help you talk to partners about sex: https://www.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-here-is-a-worksheet-to-help-you-talk-to-partners-about-sex-237385/

• Diana Sadat Counseling, Yes/No/Maybe Activity: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b162a5675f9ee6cc62c56b5/t/5bc6b816104c7bf5cc8c31f9/1539749911565/Yes%3ANo%3AMaybe+So+Activity+-+Diana+Sadat+Counselling.pdf

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples of all ages, races, sexual orientations, genders and diverse backgrounds (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples come to sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help you overcome the obstacles that keep you from enjoying sex, so if you're struggling with sexual issues, seek help in sex therapy sooner rather than later so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Is Sexual Context So Important For Sexual Desire?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's New York Times bestselling book, Come As You Are, she discusses why sexual context is so important to understand sexual desire (see my article: Understanding Why You and Your Partner Experience Sexual Arousal in Different Ways).

Sexual Context is Important For Sexual Desire

Understanding sexual context is key to understanding why you might feel sexual at certain times and not others.  

What is Sexual Context?

According to Dr. Nagoski, sexual context includes: 

Your Circumstances in the Moment:

• Whom you're with
• Where you are
• Whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky, safe, and so on

Your State of Mind in the Moment:

• Whether you're relaxed or stressed
• Whether you're trusting or not
• Whether you're loving or not

Examples of How Sexual Context Makes a Difference

The following scenarios are examples of how sexual context makes a difference:

• When her husband, Mike, suggested that they have a quickie while their teenage children went out on a short errand, Betty didn't feel like having a quickie because she had a long stressful day at work.  She knew she would need to unwind first, take a shower to relax and she would need plenty of foreplay to get in the mood for sex, so a quickie wouldn't work for her.  They decided to wait until the weekend when the children would be away for the day visiting their aunt and they would have more time to enjoy sex.

• Ida was excited by the prospect of having sex in public places that felt prohibitive and taboo.  She suggested to Bill that they have sex in a secluded place in a big park, but Bill said he would feel too anxious they would get caught and charged with public indecency, so this idea wasn't a turn-on for him.  He told her he needed privacy to enjoy sex.  Eventually, they decided to be in a consensually non-monogamous relationship so they could each get certain of their sexual needs met and still remain in a primary relationship together.

• John wanted to have sex with his partner, Sara, after they had an argument about his infidelity.  But Sara said she was too angry about his cheating. She felt she couldn't trust him, and she needed to feel safe and trusting to have sex with him (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After an Affair). Eventually, they attended couples to work on their relationship.

• On their first date, Dan invited Lynn over to spend the night with him after a romantic dinner.  Although Lynn was very attracted to Dan, she told him she wasn't comfortable having sex with him on their first date and she wanted to get to know him better before they had sex.  Dan said he was fine with this, and they continued to date.

Sexual Context is Important For Sexual Desire

• Abbie and her partner, Sue, decided their sex life had become too routine and this contributed to the lack of enthusiasm they each felt about having sex.  So, they decided to try something new, sexual role play, to spice things up sexually (see my article: Exploring Sexual Role Play).

• Three years into their relationship, Jim and Alan sought help in sex therapy because they were no longer feeling as sexually turned on with each other as they were when they first met (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Long Term Relationship).  Their sex therapist helped them to overcome this problem.

• Roy had a leather fetish which really turned him on. But when he asked the woman he had been dating for two months, Nina, to wear leather during sex, she told him she wasn't into it.  She preferred to wear latex instead.  Roy was fine with this. They also talked about the particular kinks they each liked and they discovered they had certain kinks in common (see my article: What's the Difference Between a Fetish and a Kink?).

• Sid preferred to have sex after dinner, but Jen found it difficult to get sexually aroused after the big meals they usually had for dinner. She felt too full and bloated. So, they decided to have their big meal for lunch, a smaller meal for dinner before they had sex, and a snack after sex when they were both cuddling and relaxing.

• Ann liked to have sex with his partner, Jack, at night before going to sleep because that's when she felt most relaxed, but Jack was often too tired at night. Jack preferred to have sex in the morning when they both woke up together, but Ann felt too rushed in the morning because she had to be at work early. So, they came up with a compromise where they would have sex earlier in the evening during the week and on Saturday or Sunday morning when neither of them was stressed or rushed.

Confusing Issues Related to Sexual Context with Low Sexual Desire

Many people, especially women, who think they have low sexual desire, are really dealing with issues related to the sexual context they find themselves in.

It's not unusual for medical doctors, who aren't trained in sexual health (this includes many gynecologists) to diagnose a woman with low sexual desire when the real problem is that the sexual context isn't right for her (see my article: Heterosexual Women Are Often Mistakenly Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire).

Many Women Are Mistakenly Diagnosed With Low Desire

Many of these women get unhelpful recommendations from their health care practitioner, including suggestions to have a glass of wine to relax.  But this doesn't help when the problem is related to the sexual context.

One of the reasons for this is that most health care practitioners, including gynecologists and couples therapists, aren't fully trained in sexual health. As a result, they don't know how to do a thorough psychosocial sexual history to fully assess the problem.  

Differences in Preferred Sexual Contexts Aren't Unusual

When it comes to sexual context, differences between people aren't really different from many other circumstances in life.

For instance, according to Dr. Nagoski, a person might enjoy being tickled while being sexually playful with their partner. However, the same person is unlikely to enjoy being tickled by the same partner if they're having an argument.  That would be annoying.

So, in general, this shows that context is important in most areas of life, including sex.

Understanding the Sexual Contexts of Your Core Erotic Themes

In a prior article, I discussed the importance of getting to know your Core Erotic Themes (CETs) as discussed in Dr. Jack Morin's book, The Erotic Mind (see my article: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?).  

My prior article explains how CETs originate in childhood and provides examples of CETs.

When you and your partner(s) can discuss each of your CETs, this can help to make sex more enjoyable (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy). 

Individuals and couples attend sex therapy for a variety of sexual issues (see my article: Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy).

A skilled sex therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from having a pleasurable sex life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex

In my prior article, Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?, I began a discussion about core erotic feelings (CEF) mentioned in a book by Dr. Jessica O'Reilly and Marla Renee Stewart MA called The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.  In the current article, I'm focusing on another idea from this book called elevated erotic feelings (EEF).

Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex

What Are Elevated Erotic Feelings (EEF)?

Whereas core erotic feelings (CEF) are the particular emotions you need to get in the mood for sex, elevated erotic feelings are what enhance the sexual experience, according to Dr. O'Reilly (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

She indicates that elevated erotic feelings (EEF) make the sexual feelings more intense in a specific way and could be related to:

• Physical pleasure
• Psychological thrill (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase)
• Emotional fulfillment
• Intimate connection
• Spiritual experience
• Some other benefit derived from sex

According to Dr. O'Reilly, core erotic feelings tend to be fairly stable, but they can also change over time.  

In contrast, elevated erotic feelings (EEF) often vary within the same time period, which means one day you might need a particular EEF and the next day you might need a different one.

As I mentioned in my previous article, there are some people who tend to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so they don't need to focus on a CEF or EEF.  Some of the examples below illustrate this point.

Examples of Elevated Erotic Feelings (EEF)

The following examples, which are fictionalized scenarios, illustrate both CEF and EEF, and how EEF can take a sexual experience to the next level:

• Maxine: To get in the mood to have sex, Maxine needs to feel calm.  So, she and her partner, Ed take time before they have sex to do some deep breathing and meditation to overcome the stress of the day and transition into their sexual time together.  To enhance her sexual experience, Maxine enjoys when Ed tells her that he loves her.  Feeling loved by Ed is Maxine's elevated erotic feeling and it makes sex more pleasurable for her.  Feeling challenged is what enhances sex for Ed (his EEF) at times.  So, when he tells her he's in the mood to be challenged, Maxine responds by being playful and alternating between seducing him and then pretending to withhold sex.  This challenge excites Ed when he's in the mood for it.
• Core Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling Calm
• Elevated Erotic Feeling for Maxine: Feeling loved

Elevated Erotic Feelings

• Roberta: In order to get into the mood to have sex, Roberta needs to feel sexually desirable.  So, her partner, Sara, makes sure to let Roberta know she thinks Roberta is beautiful and sexy.  This isn't a problem at all for Sara because she genuinely feels that way.  Sara is someone who is in the mood for sex regardless of whatever emotions she's experiencing at the moment, so she doesn't need to focus on a CEF or EEF.  However, she knows that Roberta's elevated erotic feeling (EEF) is taking a risk (when Roberta is in the mood for this).  So, they sometimes come up with ways to make sex more exciting for Roberta, like camping out in a tent in their backyard.  They have privacy in their tent and they know that no one can really see them. But even the thought that a neighbor who looks out the window might think Roberta and Sara are having sex feels risky enough to get Roberta even more sexually excited.  
• Core Erotic Feeling For Roberta:  Feeling Sexually Desirable
• Elevated Erotic Feeling For Roberta: Taking a Risk

Elevated Erotic Feelings

• Tod: Tod's core erotic feeling is being playful.  So, his partner, Mike includes an element of playfulness when they have sex.  He knows that when he and Tod laugh and tease each other, Tod gets turned on.  There are also times when Tod wants to take it to the next level and he lets Mike know that he wants to be surprised.  So, Mike surprises him by including new sex toys that get Tod excited.  Sometimes Tod likes the thrill of being blindfolded when Mike uses different sexual props, like feathers, to enhance the physical thrill.  Mike tends to be in the mood for sex most of the time, so he's not focused on a CEF or EEF.
• Core Erotic Feeling For Tod: Feeling Playful
• Elevated Erotic Feeling For Tod: Being Surprised

Elevated Erotic Feelings

In the examples above, these individuals have communicated beforehand what they need to get sexually aroused (their CEF) and what will enhance the experience (their EEF), except in the cases where one of the partners doesn't need EEF or CEF to get sexually aroused.

Each person also needs to be attuned to their partner to know what they need at any given time to make sex more pleasurable for them.

Dr. Jack Morin's Book: The Erotic Mind

Many of the concepts in Dr. O'Reilly's book bring to mind Dr. Jack Morin's ideas about core erotic themes and peak erotic experiences from his book, The Erotic Mind.  See my articles related to the topics in Dr. Morin's book:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?

Reviving Your Sex Life With Peak Erotic Experiences

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

In The Erotic Mind, Dr. Morin also discusses the four cornerstones of eroticism.  See links below for my articles which explain each of these cornerstones:

• Longing and Anticipation
  
• Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules
  
• Searching For Power
  
• Overcoming Ambivalence

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

According to Dr. Jack Morin, there are also emotional aphrodisiacs.  Surprisingly, some of them might not be what you would expect because they have a paradoxical effect on the person who is turned on by them.  See my links below for my articles about emotional aphrodisiacs and their paradoxical effect (see my article: Embracing Your Internal Contradictions and Paradoxes):

What Are Emotional Aphrodisiacs?

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Guilt as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Sexual Turn-ons and Fantasies Don't Always Coincide With Your Usual Values and Beliefs

What turns on certain people behind closed doors might not align with their usual values and beliefs in everyday life.  This relates to the internal contradictions and paradoxes mentioned above.

For some people, this creates inner conflict, guilt and shame because they might not understand that internally each of us is made up of a multiplicity of selves (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are).

They might also feel like they're being hypocrites to feel one way in their everyday daily life outside the bedroom versus how they feel sexually behind closed doors.

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey sex researcher and social psychologist, there might not be a particular reason why someone has a sexual fantasy that's contradictory to their everyday beliefs and values.  However, for some people, their sexual fantasies are related to their particular emotional needs.  

More about this in a future article.

Conclusion

Core erotic feelings are the emotions a person needs to feel to get into the mood for sex, and elevated erotic feelings enhance and intensify sex, according to Dr. O'Reilly.

Although core erotic feelings tend to be stable, they can also change over time.  

Elevated erotic feelings can vary from day to day depending on what a person needs to intensify sexual arousal at any given time.

Getting to know what you need to feel sexual (your CEF) and what enhances sex for you (your EEF) can make your sex life more pleasurable.

Communication between you and your partners(s) about what each of you needs can enhance partnered sex.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sometimes guilt and shame get in the way of sexual pleasure.  

If you have been unable to work through these issues, you could benefit from seeking help from a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Core Erotic Feelings: What Emotions Help You to Get in the Mood For Sex?

In the book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay - Techniques and Strategies For Mind-Blowing Sex by Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D. and Marla Renee Stewart, MA, there is a fascinating chapter about core erotic feelings (CEF), which is the subject of this article (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and the Erotic Self and What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

The main author, Dr. O'Reilly, who lives in Canada, is also known for her popular podcast, "Sex With Dr. Jess."  She is a sexologist who promotes healthy and pleasurable sex.  She also appears on television.  

Her theory about core erotic feelings reminds me of the work of sex therapist and researcher Dr. Jack Morin who wrote about core erotic themes and peak sexual experiences in his book, The Erotic Mind (see my articles: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences and Reviving Your Sex Life With Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

What Are Core Erotic Feelings?

According to Dr. O'Reilly, to get into the mood for sex, it's not just about what you say or do--it's also about how you feel, which are your core erotic feelings (CEF). She indicates that CEF are a prerequisite for getting into the mood for sex.

Everyone is different, so what might be a CEF for you might not be a CEF for others.  When you're able to identify your own and your partner's CEF, you can have an impact on your sexual dynamics.

Dr. O'Reilly posits that your CEF is an essential part of who you are, and although it can change over time, it often remains the same.

According to Dr. O'Reilly, some common CEFs are feeling

• Desirable (this is a common CEF for women)
• Powerful
• Vulnerable
• Happy 
• Confident
• Sexy
• Loved
• Safe
• Stressed
• Challenged
• Playful
• Subjugated
• Serene
• Excited
• Calm
• Comfortable
• Passionate
• Liberated

The CEFs listed above are just a short list.   There are many others.

How Can You Discover Your Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)?

To discover your CEF, it helps if you: 

• Think back to how you felt emotionally during a peak erotic experience
• Spend time thinking and writing about this experience in your private journal, including what made it pleasurable for you and the emotion involved.

• Remember a sexual fantasy that gave you pleasure and remember what emotion you were feeling
• Remember a favorite sexual fantasy.  Ask yourself what makes it especially pleasurable. Spend time writing about it in your private journal and include the emotion involved.

Examples of Peak Erotic Sexual Experiences and the Related Core Erotic Feelings 

The following are common examples of CEFs that illustrate what you can discover about yourself when you think back to pleasurable sexual experiences and fantasies (all the names and identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality).  

Remember there is no right or wrong answer, and everyone is different in terms of what emotions are involved that get them turned on.

Mary:  

When I got home from a stressful day at work on a Friday night, I was greeted by my husband, who gave me a passionate kiss and handed me a glass of my favorite red wine.  He told me he arranged for our children to spend the weekend with his parents so we could have a sexy, romantic weekend together.  We had not had a weekend to ourselves in months, so I felt myself relaxing as soon as I heard we were alone.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

He led me into the bathroom where the tub was filled with my favorite bubble bath.  Then, he slowly undressed me as he kissed me and told me how lucky he felt to have such a sexy wife.  Then, feeling like a queen, I stepped into the sensualness of the bubble bath.  After I soaked for a bit and allowed the tension of the day to dissolve, I asked him to join me, and he did.  This was the beginning of a wonderful romantic, sexy weekend.

• Core Erotic Feeling: Feeling Sexy 

Adie:  

On our one-year anniversary, my partner, Vickie, rented a room in one of our favorite bed and breakfast inns where we had a romantic dinner.  After dinner, we went to our cozy Victorian room, which had a fireplace in the living room and the bedroom.  We cuddled by the fire in the living room and drank champagne to celebrate our anniversary.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

Eventually, we made our way to the bedroom where Vickie lit candles and put on my favorite song, a romantic jazzy song by Ella Fitzgerald that we considered "our song" because it was playing the night when we met.  Then, we both got undressed and she gave me one of the best massages I've ever had in my life.  I was so relaxed that I just melted in her arms and we made love.

• Core Erotic Feeling: Feeling Loved

Ted:  

I met my girlfriend, Jane, at our favorite French restaurant in Manhattan.  I had just left a contentious work meeting where my confidence took a hit when the one of my colleagues criticized an idea I proposed at the meeting.  I was still consumed with how deflated and stressed I felt at the meeting when I walked into the restaurant and saw Jane sitting at the bar.  I was afraid I would be so distracted by my work-related worries that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the evening with Jane.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

But when I approached her, I saw she looked amazing.  She was wearing a beautiful sexy black dress, and I knew she had gotten dressed up just for me, which made me feel great.  I was about to greet her when she turned to me with a seductive look and said in a low voice, "I've never seen you here before, but I definitely want to get to know you." I realized she wanted to do a sexy role play where we were two strangers who met at a bar.  Before I could say anything, she leaned over and whispered dirty talk into my ear, which really turned me on.  We never got to have dinner that night because we were back home having some of the best sex of our lives 20 minutes later (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Sexually Desirable and Powerful

Examples of Sexual Fantasies and Core Erotic Feelings (CEF) 

As mentioned previously, you can discover your CEF through your favorite sexual fantasies, as illustrated by the composite examples below (all identifying information removed):

John: 

There's a beautiful waitress in a restaurant close to my apartment.  In reality, she's always friendly but professional.  She's never made a pass at me and I have never flirted with her.  I can barely speak whenever she comes to take my order, and my friends tease me about this.  But in my fantasy, she invites me to see the catering room in the back.  She seems like her usual self--until we're alone in the room.  Then, she's all over me and we end up on the floor having passionate sex.  

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Excited and Confident

Bill:  

There are two attractive gay men who own a men's clothing store in my neighborhood.  They're also in a relationship together. In reality, they have always been helpful and professional.  They have never crossed a sexual boundary with me, but I'm secretly attracted to both of them.  In my fantasy, one of the men comes into the large dressing room where I'm trying on clothes.  No one else is around.  He winks at me and then he kisses me on the mouth.  Soon he's undressing me and we're rolling around the floor.  

Discovering Your Core Erotic Feelings

Suddenly, his lover comes in, discovers us on top of each other and looks angry.  But to my surprise, he says to his partner, "Why wasn't I invited to the party?"  Then, we're all in a heap on the floor rolling all over each other.

• Core Erotic Feelings: Feeling Playful and Excited

What Detracts From Your Core Erotic Feeling (CEF)?

Even if you know what emotions get you turned on, you might have certain experiences or other conflicting emotions that detract from your CEF, including:

• Stress
• Guilt
• Shame
• Anger
• Jealousy
• Envy
• Sleep deprivation
• Hunger
• Unresolved trauma
• Your Roles: An example of this would be a woman with children who has difficulty transitioning from being mother during the day to a sexy woman with her partner at night.  She might need a transitional time to let go of her role as a mother to feel like a sexual being with her partner.

The examples listed above are only a few of the emotions and experiences that can detract from your CEFs. 

What Changes Do You Need to Make to Experience Your Core Erotic Feelings?

Identifying what gets in the way of your CEF is the first step in making the necessary changes.

For example, if you know that stress is a major obstacle in terms of experiencing your CEF, you might need to experiment with different ways to de-stress and transition into a sexual mindset.

There might be limitations to what you can do for certain situations.  For instance, if you have a young child who gets up in the middle of the night and comes into the bedroom where you and your partner are hoping for some privacy to have sex, you might have to get more creative.  

Similar to one of the examples above, if possible, you might ask your parents or your in-laws if your child can occasionally spend the night with them so you and your partner can have privacy.

Exploring Your Partner's Core Erotic Feelings

If you're in a relationship, you can communicate with your partner about what you need to feel emotionally to get turned on.  

You can also be open and get curious about what emotions are involved with your partner getting turned on.  If your partner is open to it, encourage him or her to discover their own CEF by thinking about their peak erotic experiences and sexual fantasies and identifying the emotions involved.

Once you have shared your CEFs with each other, you can have fun finding ways to stimulate these feelings in each other.

Some People Tend to Be in the Mood For Sex Regardless of Their Emotions

There are some people who, regardless of their mood, are ready to have sex at the drop of a hat.  Whether they're happy, sad, angry or stressed out, their emotions don't affect their mood for sex.  These people don't usually need to pay so much attention to their emotions because, when it comes to sex, they're ready.  

For everyone else, knowing what core erotic feelings gets them in the mood helps them to have a better experience and to communicate their needs to their partner(s).

Recommendation: The Sexual Excitement Survey (SES)

In the Appendix of The Erotic Mind by Dr. Morin, there is a Sexual Excitement Survey (SES) that you can take.  

By completing this survey (privately for yourself), you can stimulate ideas about your peak erotic experiences.  

If you have a partner, you and your partner can take the survey and share your results if you feel comfortable.

Part 1 is about your most memorable peak erotic experiences and Part 2 is about your sexual fantasies.

Next Article: 

In my next article, I'll focus on another fascinating chapter in Dr. O'Reilly's book: Elevated Erotic Feelings (see my article: Elevated Erotic Feelings Can Enhance Your Mood For Sex).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you are unable to access your core erotic feelings due to a history of unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has an expertise in trauma therapy as well as sex therapy.  

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

My specialties include sex therapy and trauma therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Why You Choose Emotionally Unavailable People

I have been focusing on topics from Dr. Jack Morin's book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment in my last several articles.  In today's article I'm focusing specifically on why some people choose partners who are emotionally unavailable based on concepts outlined in this book (see my article: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?, which contains links to all the prior related articles).

Understanding Why You Choose Emotionally Unavailable People

Eroticized Longing

In Chapter 6 of his book, "When Turn-Ons Turn Against You," Dr. Morin discusses eroticized longing where people are attracted to partners who are unavailable or only partially or inconsistently available.  According to Dr. Morin, people who experience erotcized longing often discover that it is a central part of their eroticism.  

These are people who usually need the passion, excitement, storminess and uncertainty based on being involved with an unavailable (or partially available) partner.  These relationships can be passionate but, ultimately, they aren't fulfilling for people who want a long term commitment.  

These relationships often include a partner who is:

• married or in a long term relationship with someone else
• unable to make an exclusive commitment
• ambivalent
• vague about the future or eludes to a future but cannot be pinned down about the specifics
• vacillates between being open and being avoidant

And so on.

People who have a pattern of getting involved with emotionally unavailable partners often say that they are bored with people who are interested in them and willing to make a commitment.  

They don't feel the same level of excitement if they're not yearning and feeling off balance with their partner.  So, they get involved in one relationship after another that doesn't give them what they want or they get it sometimes but only intermittently. 

Even though these people say they want to be with someone who can make a commitment, they feel their only options are to either pursue a relationship that will ultimately fail because their partner can't commit to them or they have to be with someone where they don't feel the same sexual excitement. This is an awful dilemma.

Understanding the Psychological Roots of Eroticized Longing

The attraction to unavailable people is usually unconscious.  Adding to this complication, people who are emotionally unavailable often don't present themselves in that way.  

In Dr. Morin's book he gives a clinical example of a client named Maggie, who was involved in a succession of relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable. 

Prior to coming to therapy, her last relationship was with a married man who kept telling her he was unhappy emotionally and sexually in his marriage.  

Based on what he was telling her, Maggie believed he would eventually leave his wife to be with her. He seemed like he would rather be with her.  But whenever he had to choose who he would spend a holiday with, he chose his wife.  

After years of feeling hurt and emotionally abandoned, Maggie chose to leave that relationship.  But even after she left, she was still obsessed with this man.  She would call his house to hear his voice or park her car outside his home to get a glimpse of him.

The pattern with these succession of men was that they were capable of being warm and loving towards her at times, but they couldn't sustain it consistently.  Whenever they would give her what she wanted emotionally, she was happy.  But, inevitably, she was disappointed when these men became avoidant and emotionally unavailable again.

This is a typical pattern in these relationships:  The partner who is basically unavailable is available enough to provide their partner with intermittent reinforcement.  Each time the person who is yearning gets what they want, they hope their partner will finally be able to sustain the love and warmth, but they are continually disappointed.  

In other words, there is just enough of what they want to keep them hooked into the relationship, but it's never sustained over time and they are disappointed over and over again.

In Maggie's case, Dr. Morin explains that, on the surface, there seemed to be no logical explanation as to why Maggie couldn't find a man who would love her and be committed to her:  She was attractive, intelligent, kind and she had a lot to offer a committed partner.

Maggie explained to Dr. Morin that, over time, many men, who were stable and dependable, pursued her and they wanted to make a commitment to her.  But she was bored by these men.  Eventually, these men entered into other relationships with women who wanted to be with them.

Her unstable relationships had several things in common. These men were:

• adventurous in their everyday life as well as sexually
• somewhat rebellious 
• playful and spontaneous 
• unreliable in terms of showing up for dates, calling her or remembering special dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc)
• unable to make a long term commitment 

They also had an emotional vulnerability at times that intrigued Maggie--giving her the feeling that they needed her.  

Their rebelliousness was the opposite of Maggie, who considered herself to be "a good girl" who was responsible and reliable.  Although she admired their rebelliousness, especially since it was a quality she didn't have, she was continually disappointed by these partners.  

Maggie also had difficulty focusing on herself in her therapy.  She focused on the emotionally unavailable man she was seeing at the time and attempted to analyze him, but she had difficulty looking at herself.  

At one point in her therapy, she said she believed if her current partner could just overcome his problems, they could be happy together.  She told her therapist she believed if she could just win him over, she would feel loved.

When her therapist asked Maggie what she thought it would be like if her boyfriend didn't need to be won over (if he just loved her), she admitted that she didn't think she could handle that.

As Maggie and her therapist explored her childhood home, at first, Maggie described an ideal family.  However, after a while, she admitted to her therapist that her father was often away and when he was at home, he was aloof with both her and her mother.  She also indicated that her mother was overwhelmed by responsibilities, sad and deeply unhappy with her marriage.  

Apparently, her mother suspected Maggie's father of having an extramarital affair, but she never confronted him about it.  Instead, she suffered in silence.  

So this was the relationship template that Maggie grew up with as a child.  Throughout her adolescence, she read books about delayed romantic fulfillment.  

She also realized in therapy that her relationships with unavailable men all had a persistent undercurrent of grief and loss as she was emotionally abandoned over and over again by these men.  

One of the keys to understanding these types of relationships and why Maggie and others continually get involved in them is that during the intermittent times when these men do provide Maggie with what she wants, she experienced excitement and passion.  

In Maggie's case, she was repeating her experiences with each of her parents.  Her father was emotionally cold and unavailable to her, and she also had a strong identification with her sad, long suffering mother, who suffered in silence.

Fortunately, many people, who are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, eventually get tired of being continuously disappointed and this motivates them to change.  But others spend their lives in these hurtful relationships.  And many others just give up on relationships altogether.

Choosing Healthier Partners

In Dr. Morin's book, he outlines 7 Steps to change these patterns so that eroticized longing related to emotionally unavailable people are no longer erotic turn ons, which I summarize briefly below and add in italics my specific recommendations:

• Clarify Your Goals and Motivations: Get clear on what you want in a relationship. If you want someone who is emotionally available and able to make a commitment to you, make that your goal.  Erotic turn ons can change over time so that people who are emotionally unavailable on a consistent basis no longer seem exciting.  Instead, they seem boring, emotionally limited and immature.  

• Cultivate Self Affirmation: It's important for you to believe that you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you and who can be there for you emotionally on a consistent basis. You need to be able to put yourself first.  While you're working on this, rather than criticizing yourself, be compassionate and recognize that these erotic patterns were formed early in your life.

• Navigate the Gray Zone:  The gray zone occurs when you're in the midst of change. You're no longer where you once were in terms of being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, but you haven't arrived to where you want to be in terms of making healthier relationship choices.  When you're in the gray zone, you might feel lost and confused.  It's a matter of tolerating the ambiguity of this stage until your path becomes clearer.  Gradually, your attractions to unavailable people can change, especially if you understand the psychological underpinnings to your longing, which is rooted in your earliest relationships as a child.  Sometimes when you're in the gray zone, you might choose to refrain from dating for a while until you get clear about what is driving these unhealthy attractions and you learn to turn away from them.  After a while, as you examine your eroticized longings for unavailable people, you will probably discover that these longings include fear, hatred, sadness and shame.  Once you experience these emotions, your experience of them can motivate you to steer clear of emotionally unavailable people because you know, on an emotional level, that these relationships are fraught with emotional pain.

• Acknowledge and Mourn Your Losses: Grieving the loss is part of the healing.  Once you see that your attraction to unavailable people is linked to traumatic memories, you can mourn these losses and, importantly, work through the early trauma.  

• Come to Your Senses: Attractions to unavailable people often involve a disconnection between your mind and your body (My Note: Reconnection is possible through experiential therapy that is rooted in the mind-body connection).  

• Risk the Unfamiliar: Insight into your problems isn't enough.  While insight is important, it's not enough to help you make a big change in the emotionally unhealthy attractions you feel.  (My Note: Change occurs when the mind and the body are in synch, which occurs in experiential therapy, see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy).

• Integrate Your Discoveries: Changing the people you are attracted to isn't easy.  Along the way, you will probably experience setbacks.  Working with a skilled psychotherapist who helps you through this transition can make a big difference in terms of successfully navigating through the changes and making them last.

Getting Help in Therapy

Although changing your sexual attraction to emotionally unavailable people can be daunting, many people have successfully navigated this change in therapy.

Rather than remaining stuck in relationships that are unfulfilling and hurtful in the long run, get help from a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to make a lasting change.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.