Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Focus on Emotions ?

I have been discussing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples in the last several articles (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?, What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling?).  In this article, I'm addressing a common question that couples often have when they are considering EFT couple therapy: Why does EFT focus on emotions?

Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Focus on Emotions?

Focusing on Emotions in EFT Couple Therapy

Based on recent neuroaffective research, we now know that emotions occur at least two and a half times faster than thoughts.  Since emotions occur so quickly, it's possible to be unaware of what you're feeling emotionally before you have a thought about whatever you're experiencing.

Emotions also motivate your behavior, whether you realize it or not, both as an individual and as an individual in a relationship.  Emotions also motivate you to change much more than your thoughts.  So, it's important to be aware of what's going on emotionally, especially if you want to make changes.

Understanding Why Emotions Are Important

An important role for the EFT couple therapist is helping each member in the relationship to be able to:

• Identify emotions as they occur in the present and in the past 
• Learn to distinguish between primary, secondary and instrumental emotions (more about this below)
• Understand the positive and negative roles emotions play on a personal level as well as in the relationship
• Create an emotionally safe environment in couple therapy for each individual to identify and reveal more vulnerable (primary) emotions to his or her spouse or partner
• Understand whether a secondary emotion is masking a primary emotion (more about this below)
• Learn to feel and expression self compassion as well as compassion for your partner

Primary, Secondary and Instrumental Emotions:

• Primary emotions are the emotions that you feel first with a sense of immediacy.  These emotions, which include: fear, anger, sadness, joy/happiness, disgust, contempt and surprise.  They occur in the body, including on a gut level.  These emotions are biologically hardwired into humans.  These emotions are also the most vulnerable emotions that you have, and since you can feel so emotionally vulnerable with a primary emotion, you might shy away or distract yourself from your primary emotions and have difficulty expressing these emotions to your partner.
• Secondary emotions are reactions to your primary emotions.  They often serve the purpose of masking the more vulnerable primary emotions.  For instance, a wife, who is sad when she feels her husband is ignoring her, might feel anger as a secondary emotion to mask the hurt and sadness (primary emotions) she feels.  Although she feels more comfortable expressing her anger to her husband, her angry communication won't be as effective as compared to her revealing her hurt and sadness.  Chances are that her husband, who might feel an inward sense of remorse for ignoring his wife, will become outwardly defensive rather than addressing the problem between them.  In response to her anger, he might defensively deny that he is ignoring her, dismiss or belittle her concerns, criticize her for some shortcoming that he sees in her or withdraw/stonewall in silence.  No matter which defensive response he gives, the problem isn't solved and it might even become worse.
• Instrumental emotions are emotions that are often used in relationships, consciously or unconsciously, to manipulate.  For instance, a husband who, on a primary emotional level, is hurt and sad that his wife tends to be late whenever they're meeting for dinner or to go to a show, might try to make his wife feel guilty by exaggerating a headache that developed while he was waiting for her.  Rather than being direct with his wife and expressing his hurt, he tells her that waiting for her caused him to develop the headache.  If he really wants to rub it in, he might portray himself as the victim in the relationship who is "always waiting" for her.  Although the husband might accomplish his short-term goal (assuming he is aware of it) of manipulating his wife into feeling guilty, in the long run, this strategy does more harm than good.  

Changing Negative Dynamics in Your Relationship

Changing negative dynamics in a relationship is challenging, especially if both people have been engaging in these dynamics for a long time.

Becoming aware of the dynamics and the role that each person plays is the first step.  It's normal for both people to feel uncomfortable at first when they're exploring their negative dynamics with their EFT couple therapist.  

But if both people really want to improve their relationship, this is an important step.  And rather than blaming yourself or your spouse for the dynamics, it's important to focus on the dynamic as happening between you and realize that there are no "bad guys."  It's the dynamic that needs to change (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles).

Rather than blaming yourself or your partner, it's much more effective to become curious about the dynamic and to be willing to take a risk to change (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship).

More about this in my next article.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples is internationally recognized as a well-researched and effective form of couple therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Rather than continuing to struggle in a negative dynamic with your partner or spouse, you could get help to improve your relationship in EFT couple therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles

In prior articles about EFT (Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy), which was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, I discussed how this well-researched form of couple counseling can help couples to improve their relationship.

See my prior articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example
• How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship
• EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship
• What Happens During Stage Two of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

In this article, I'm focusing specifically on how EFT can help couples to move beyond reactive emotions, like anger and frustration, to the more vulnerable underlying emotions, like hurt and fear, to help change destructive patterns of relating.

EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Cycles  

Reactive emotions tend to drive arguments.  Rather than communicating the hurt, sadness or fear that are underneath these reactive emotions, couples often tend to lead with emotional reactivity.

Not only does this often lead to defensiveness, but it all tends to fuel escalating, destructive arguments.  After a while, this can become a pattern of relating that couples often find difficult to change on their own.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:  EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how an EFT couple therapist can help a couple to move beyond their reactive emotions to end destructive arguing cycles:

Mark and Tara
After more than a year of couple therapy where they were focusing on developing "better communication skills," Mark and Tara decided to see an EFT couple therapist recommended by Tara's individual therapist because their regular couple therapy wasn't helping them.

Tara's individual psychotherapist, who was training in EFT couple therapy, told Tara that EFT went far beyond looking at communication skills and focused on the dynamic between the couple, including their individual ways of relating.  She also told her that the latest research indicated that getting to the underlying emotions was key to improving relationship dynamics.

During their first EFT couple therapy session, Tara told the couple therapist that, in their five years of marriage, she and Mark usually had arguments that escalated to the point where she was yelling and Mark "stonewalled" her by not speaking or leaving the apartment during heated arguments.

She said that the worst part was that nothing ever got resolved between them and, even though they still loved each other, they were growing farther and farther apart with time.  She feared that they weren't going to make it if they continued arguing this way.  Focusing on communication skills in their prior couple therapy did nothing to change their dynamic, Tara said.

While Tara spoke, Mark looked away and remained quiet.  When it was his turn to speak, he admitted that he never wanted to start couple therapy, but he did it at Tara's insistence.  Initially, before they started their prior couple therapy, he feared that he would be blamed by both his wife and their female couple therapist.  He thought they would "gang up" on him.  So, he said, he was pleasantly surprised that their prior couple therapist was evenhanded and didn't automatically blame him for the problems in the relationship.  However, he agreed with Tara that, even though they were in couple therapy, they continued to have destructive arguments that went nowhere.

With some prompting from the EFT couple therapist, Mark gave an example of a recent argument that was typical of the type of arguments that he and Tara would have.  He said he came home from work last week and Tara seemed annoyed and as if she was waiting for him to say or do something.

At a loss as to what was going on, he asked Tara why she looked so annoyed, and she began yelling at him that, once again, he forgot their wedding anniversary.  She told him that she had hoped that when he came home, he would tell her that he remembered this year and he made a reservation at their favorite restaurant for that evening.  But when he said nothing about it, she told him, she realized that this was all a repeat performance of the last few years where he completely forgot.

At that point, Mark told the EFT couple therapist, he felt guilty, he was genuinely sorry and he wanted to apologize to Tara, but he knew that he had done this each year and she wasn't ready to accept his apology.  He also knew that his apology wouldn't make up for Tara's disappointment.

In thinking about what to do, Mark knew from their prior arguments that Tara would be piling on a litany of complaints and disappointments.  Even though he knew he was at fault, he also felt too tired to deal with Tara's anger.  So, instead of listening to her, he went upstairs to take a shower, and he thought he would come back down to talk to Tara when both of them had cooled off.

Rather than giving him his "space," he said, Tara followed him upstairs and pushed the door open to their bathroom.  She was even more angry that he left her standing downstairs by herself than she had been originally when he got home, and she yelled at him for all the things he did to disappoint her over the last few months.

Mark said that he felt at the "breaking point" when Tara "cornered" him in their bathroom.  At first, he said, he wasn't sure what to do.  From his perspective, Tara saw him as "a loser" who couldn't even remember their wedding anniversary, and he felt like "a loser" too.  He dreaded the thought that Tara might get fed up one day and leave him.  But not knowing what else to do, he remained silent, hoping that Tara would eventually stop yelling at him and he could calm himself.  But rather than stopping, Tara was escalating and getting louder.

When he felt he couldn't take it anymore, Mark said, he reminded Tara about things that were important to him that she had forgotten.  He told her that she acted like she was "Miss Perfect," but she was far from perfect, so she should get off his back.

After he said this, he told the EFT counselor, he was immediately sorry, especially when he saw the hurt and guilty look on Tara's face.  His first impulse was to take Tara in his arms and kiss her, but she walked out of the room and he decided not to pursue her.

Later on, Mark said, when they were having dinner, they were both quiet and barely made eye contact.  The argument had stopped, but now they remained in stony silence for the rest of the evening.  He told the EFT counselor that, when they first got married, they had agreed that they would never go to bed angry, but there were so many arguments like this that they often went to bed angry and woke up barely speaking to one another.

That particular night when they each remained on their side of the bed, Mark said, he thought about reaching out to Tara, but he thought it would be pointless.  He stayed up most of the night thinking about how Tara would probably leave him and feeling scared and lonely.  The next morning, he said, was the same as many other mornings after they argued--they barely spoke before each of them went off to work.

When the EFT couple therapist asked Tara for her reaction to Mark's recounting their last argument, Tara said that she was surprised.  From her perspective at the time of the argument, she thought that Mark's initial lack of response meant that he didn't care, and this infuriated her.  Then, when he walked away from her, she said, she became even more angry.  When he reminded her of the things that she had done wrong, she didn't know what to say.  She felt so guilty that she needed to withdraw from him.  She said she also spent a sleepless night after their last argument, and she wanted to reach out to Mark too, but she didn't know how anymore.  She agreed that this was the usual pattern to their arguments and these arguments were eroding their relationship.  She was beginning to feel hopeless about their marriage, but she didn't want to give up.

Their EFT couple therapist helped them to see that there were "no bad guys" in their relationship--instead, there was a destructive pattern of interacting that wasn't working.  Then, over the next several sessions, she helped each of them to focus on their pattern--rather than blaming each other--and express the more vulnerable feelings that were underneath their anger.

Mark had an easier time expressing his sadness, loneliness and fear.  In response, Tara seemed genuinely moved by his expression of vulnerability, but she said she also felt too afraid to allow herself to be emotionally vulnerable with Mark.  She said there had been too many times in the past when she opened up to Mark to express her sadness and he responded, from her point of view, by being "cold and rational," telling her that she had "no reason" to be sad.  Now, she felt she had to protect herself from being emotionally vulnerable with him.

During the next several sessions, the EFT counselor helped Mark to tell Tara that he now realized that his attempts at being "rational" were hurtful to her, and he wanted to be open to whatever she had to tell him about her more vulnerable feelings.  At various times, Tara seemed on the verge of opening up emotionally to Mark, but then she would shut down again.

Based on what she learned in EFT couple therapy, Tara said she understood that, in order for their negative dynamic to change, she and Mark needed to get beyond their reactivity to express their emotional needs and she asked Mark to be patient with her, which he agreed to do.

During that time, the EFT counselor reflected back to each of them what she saw in terms of the love that each of them felt for the other.  She also modeled the type of open dialogue that they were striving to have with one another.

Then, in their next EFT couple session, Tara made a tentative effort to begin telling Mark how sad and fearful she felt whenever they had destructive arguments.  At first, her words were halting and she looked at the couple therapist, who encouraged her to continue.

When Tara was midway through expressing her feelings, Mark reached out and held her hand to reassure her that he was there, he was listening and he wasn't going anywhere.  At that point, feeling assured by him, Tara responded by squeezing his hand and smiling at him.

They both acknowledged that this was the first time in a long time that they held hands and felt so close to one another.  Mark said that he realized that Tara didn't think of him as "a loser" and that she was committed to their relationship, which was a big relief to him.  Tara said that this was the first time in a long time that she felt "heard" by Mark and really cared about.

During subsequent EFT couple therapy sessions, Mark and Tara continued to open up to each other.  They told their couple therapist that they still had arguments, but they were able to stop them more easily to say what they were really feeling underneath their anger.  Rather than remaining reactive to each other, they were able to respond with love and compassion to one another.  This tended to end the argument so that they could talk about what they each needed.

Mark and Tara remained in EFT couple therapy to consolidate what they had learned and to develop other healthy ways of relating.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
Many forms of couple therapy focus on how to communicate and listening skills.  There's nothing wrong with this, but the problem is that couples often don't get to look at their destructive dynamic.  Just as important, they don't get to the underlying emotions beyond their reactivity so that little or nothing changes.

An EFT trained couple therapist has the skills to help couples to get to their more vulnerable emotions underneath the reactivity.  She knows that, ultimately, getting to these more vulnerable emotions is what enables the dynamic to change.

Rather than continuing to engage in destructive patterns that are ruining your relationship, you can get help in EFT couple therapy to salvage your relationship.

For more information about EFT Couple Therapy, read the following books:

Hold Me Tight - by Dr. Sue Johnson
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies - by Brent Bradley and James Furrow

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

In a prior article about Stage One of EFT couple therapy, I provided a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate what happens during Stage One.  Also, see my articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• Stage One of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Vignette
• EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship
• What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling?
• How EFT Couple Counseling Can Improve Your Relationship

Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

In this article, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette of Stage Two using the same fictional couple to show the next step in the process of EFT couple therapy.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy:
The following vignette illustrates how an EFT couple therapist works with a couple during Stage Two of EFT couple therapy:

Ted and Rita
In a prior article, Ted and Rita, who were married for five years, began EFT couple therapy after Rita found out that Ted had been cheating with his ex-girlfriend.  Ted ended his affair with his ex and expressed genuine remorse for the pain that it caused Rita and the damage it did to their relationship.

Initially, Rita, who was historically the pursuer in the relationship, wasn't sure if she wanted to remain in the relationship.  As the pursuer, Rita had been the one who tried to get Ted to talk about their relationship and would feel insecure and emotionally abandoned when Ted, as a withdrawer/distancer, tended to avoid these discussions.  This pattern changed after Rita found out about the affair.

After she found out about the affair, Rita withdrew emotionally from the relationship and asked Ted to move out temporarily to give her time to think things over.  As a way to try to salvage the marriage, Ted asked Rita to participate with him in couple therapy, which she agreed to somewhat reluctantly.

During Stage One of EFT couple therapy, the EFT couple therapist helped both Rita and Ted to feel safe in therapy.  After a while, Rita was able to stop criticizing Ted so he could re-engage emotionally in the relationship.  At that point, they both realized that their problem was rooted in a negative dynamic in their relationship.

Rather than blame and criticize each other for their problems, they realized that they each had their own emotional needs that weren't being met or communicated in the relationship.  At that point, they both made a greater commitment to couple therapy to work out their problems.

After Ted and Rita were able to de-escalate their emotions during Stage One with the help of their EFT couple therapist, they were ready to move onto Stage Two, which entails restructuring their bond.

Even though it was hard for each of them at first, their EFT couple therapist helped each of them to express what they each needed from the other.  Their EFT couple therapist also helped them to accept each other and show compassion for one another.

During this stage of therapy, both Ted and Rita expressed how emotionally vulnerable they felt when they expressed their emotional needs.  Rita said she feared that Ted would think of her as being "needy," and Ted still feared that Rita saw him as "a loser," especially after she found out about his sexual affair with his ex.

Their couple therapist was able to help them to trace back these fears to their childhood history so that they could understand the power these fears had over them, and they could begin to work through these issues.

As would be expected, they each took one step forward before backsliding again due to their fears around emotional vulnerability, and their EFT counselor helped them to get back on track whenever they took steps backward.

When they became sexual again, Rita said there were times when she remembered that Ted had an affair and she felt repulsed by him.

During those times, she said she said she had to stop their sexual activity and withdraw from Ted.  She said she feared that, instead of feeling close to her, Ted might be thinking of his ex.  She told him that she needed to know that he felt emotionally connected to her so that she wouldn't think he was thinking of his ex.

Ted expressed how hurtful it was for him whenever Rita stopped their lovemaking because of her thoughts of his infidelity.  Yet, he understood that Rita was having a normal reaction, and he tried to be patient and understanding.  He said he tried to reassure Rita that he was only thinking of her, but he couldn't convince her at certain times.

Their EFT couple therapist helped Rita to express what she needed from Ted when she began having doubts when they were sexual together.  Rita was able to tell Ted that she needed him to look directly at her, talk to her and hold her so she would know that when they made love, he was fully engaged with her and not thinking about his ex.

After a few aborted attempts, Rita and Ted came back to their next session and told their therapist that they were able to be emotionally and sexually engaged with each other so that they could enjoy being sexual together.  Rita said she still thought about Ted's affair occasionally, but she also knew that he loved her and he was committed to their marriage.

After several more sessions, Rita and Ted were able to express their emotional needs more easily to one another.

Once Rita was able to stop criticizing Ted, Ted was able to remain emotionally present rather than engaging in avoidance tactics where he distanced himself emotionally.

They also felt more deeply bonded to one another.  It was the first time that, even though they had a long way to go, they both felt that they were really on the road to mending their relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
As I mentioned in prior articles, EFT couple therapy is one of most researched models of couple therapy with a high success rate.

Rather than engaging in the same negative patterns that are ruining your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to get help in EFT couple therapy.

Coming to couple therapy sooner rather than later is an important aspect of salvaging a relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and EFT couple therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Happens During Stage Two of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?

I have been discussing Emotionally Focused couple therapy (EFT) in prior articles (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?, What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)? and Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example).  In this article, I'm focusing on what happens during Stage Two of EFT couple therapy.

What Happens During Stage Two of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?

As I mentioned in my earlier articles, EFT is a research-based couple therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson that helps couples to connect with each other in healthy ways and improves their emotional attachment.

I described what happens during Stage One of EFT in an earlier article.

After a couple completes the necessary steps of Stage One, their EFT couple therapist will guide them through Stage  Two, which is about changing the patterns of their interaction that cause problems in their relationship (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck).

During Stage Two, the EFT couple therapist helps each person in the relationship to feel safe enough to express his or her attachment needs and deep emotions (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

Since this can be difficult, especially for a couple who have longstanding problems and who might not feel comfortable allowing themselves to be so emotionally vulnerable, the EFT couple therapist acts as a coach to help each person to express their emotional needs to each other and to also express acceptance and compassion for the partner's needs.

During Stage Two of EFT, the couple also learn to discuss issues that have created conflict in their relationship in a new and healthy way.

This stage often involves one step forward and one step back as each individual in the couple learns to express his or her emotional vulnerability, compassion, and learns to adjust to new ways to approach issues that caused conflict in the past.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example of Stage Two using the same fictional couple that I discussed in my earlier article about Stage One of EFT couple therapy.

See my article: Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

Getting Help in Couple Therapy
Many couples remain stuck in old, dysfunctional ways of relating and, eventually, these patterns erode their relationship until the relationship is beyond salvaging.

By seeking help in couple therapy, the couple have an opportunity to stop enacting destructive patterns in their relationship, learn to express their emotional needs and express compassion for their partner's needs.  They also learn new ways of dealing with conflict.

Rather than continuing to engage in old patterns that are ruining your relationship, you can get help from an experienced couple therapist and salvage your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, and EFT couple therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

My prior article about EFT couple therapy, What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?, described what happens during Stage One of EFT couple counseling.  In the current article, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette to illustrate how EFT couple therapy works during Stage One.

Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

Also, see my articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?
• EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck
• How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help to Improve Your Relationship
• EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy

The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how an EFT couple therapist works with a couple during Stage One of couple therapy:

Ted and Rita
After being married for five years, Ted and Rita began EFT couple therapy when Rita discovered that Ted was having a six month affair with his ex-girlfriend.  When Rita confronted Ted with the email that she found on his computer, he reluctantly acknowledged the affair and asked Rita to go to couple therapy.

During their first session, Rita told the EFT couple therapist that she was very hurt and, after she discovered the email, she asked Ted to move out of their apartment for a few weeks to give her time to think things over.  Subsequently, she agreed to attend couple therapy on the condition that Ted contact the other woman in front of Rita to tell her that the affair was over, which he did.

When they began couple therapy, Ted had moved back into the apartment that he shared with Rita, but they were sleeping in separate rooms.  Ted was clear that he wanted to salvage their relationship, but Rita said she wasn't sure.  She didn't know if she could ever trust Ted again, but she was willing to attend couple therapy in order to explore her feelings and determine if she wanted to save the marriage (see my article: Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go? and Coping With Betrayal: Learning to Trust Again).

During Stage One of EFT couple therapy, the couple therapist determined that Rita was normally the one in the relationship who, until recently, was the pursuer.  She was the one who usually wanted to talk to Ted when there were problems in the relationship.  Normally, she would explore problems from every angle in order to try to resolve their differences.

Ted, on the other hand, was usually the more avoidant one.  He was the withdrawer in the relationship.  Rather than explore their everyday problems, he usually withdrew into silence.  He especially disliked when Rita wanted to talk to him about problems when he got home from work.  He preferred to withdraw into his home office for a while before confronting any problems.

Ted's withdrawal often left Rita feeling sad and abandoned, and she often pursued Ted even more when he withdrew.  When Ted refused to talk, Rita would become angry and critical of Ted.  She felt that his withdrawal meant that he didn't care about her.

Their EFT couple therapist discovered that the more Rita pursued Ted, the more he withdrew, and they were caught in a negative dynamic of pursuer-withdrawer that continued to perpetuate their problems.

From Rita's perspective, the worst thing that Ted could do was withdraw from her.  Because of her family history, which included emotional abandonment by both of her parents, Rita often felt emotionally abandoned by Ted when he avoided her.

From Ted's usual perspective, Rita made too big an issue of their everyday problems.  He grew up in a home where his mother was frequently critical of his father, and he hated their confrontations when he was growing up, so he hated feeling criticized by Rita.

Their EFT couple therapist recognized that it was important to determine Rita and Ted's usual dynamic before Rita discovered the affair--especially since Ted was now the one who was more motivated to be in couple therapy than Rita.

When they talked about Ted's affair, he told the couple therapist that he felt criticized and unappreciated by Rita when he began the affair.  He said he ran into his ex one lunch hour, and what began as a friendly lunch escalated into a full blown sexual affair within a short period of time (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Ted was clear that his affair with his ex wasn't important to him, and he felt deep remorse that it had hurt Rita and affected their marriage.  He said this was the only time that he had an affair in his five years of marriage, and he would do anything if he could go back in time and undo the damage that it had done.

As part of Stage One, the EFT therapist assessed the relationship, determined the negative cycle and attachment issues and helped Rita and Ted to de-escalate their conflict, focus on the negative cycle in their relationship and try to regain trust.

After several sessions, Rita agreed that she wanted to try to save the marriage and she was committed to remaining in couple therapy.  She stopped criticizing Ted, and Ted was able to open up more to her.

Rita was able to tell Ted in their couple therapy that she feared being abandoned by him, and the affair only exacerbated her fears.  For his part, Ted was able to tell Rita that he felt like "a loser" in her eyes and that, prior to the discovery of the affair, he felt Rita no longer cared about him.

By the end of Stage One, Rita and Ted both recognized that they were each committed to the marriage.

Having completed Stage One of EFT couple therapy, Rita and Ted were now ready to enter into Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond of the Relationship.

Conclusion
As illustrated in the fictional clinical vignette above, during Stage One of EFT couple therapy, the following steps, which are part of the initial stage of EFT, were completed:

• 1. Assessment
• 2. Identification of the negative cycle/attachment issues
• 3. Accessing underlying attachment emotions
• 4. Framing the problem as part of the cycle, attachment needs/fear

In the next article, I'll focus on Stage Two of EFT couple therapy, Restructuring the Bond, using the same fictional couple to illustrate how EFT therapy works.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
EFT couple therapy has been researched and found to be one of the most effective forms of couple therapy.

If you and your spouse or partner are struggling in your relationship, you owe it to your relationship to get help from an experienced couple therapist.

Rather than continuing to perpetuate a negative cycle, which is damaging your relationship, you will learn in EFT couple therapy how to identify and change this negative cycle so you can have a happier relationship (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

In previous articles that I've written about Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), I provided an overview of EFT.  See my articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)? 
• How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help Improve Your Relationship
• EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck
• EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

What Happens in Stage One of Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?

In this article, I'm focusing specifically on what happens in Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.

A Closer Look at Stage One (De-escalation) of EFT Couple Therapy:

     The Therapeutic Alliance
During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT counselor works to form a therapeutic alliance with each partner in the relationship.  This is an essential part of any therapy because if clients don't feel comfortable with the therapist, they're not going to open up and problems won't be resolved.

It's not unusual for each member of a couple to come to couple therapy with various feelings of fear, ambivalence, hopelessness, defiance, hope, dread and many other feelings.

Sometimes, one person is more motivated to engage in couple therapy than the other.  Since it's important for both people to be engaged in the therapy before the work begins, a skilled EFT couple therapist can help each person to feel safe and more open about the process.

It's important for both people to be able to speak about their concerns about starting couple therapy, especially if they attempted it in the past or had negative experiences with a psychotherapist (see my article: What is the Negative Transference in Psychotherapy?).

     The EFT Counselor Assesses the Negative Cycle in the Relationship
Each couple, who have ongoing problems, usually has a negative cycle that they get stuck in.

During Phase One of EFT, the EFT couple therapist assesses the couple's negative cycle by listening for certain dynamics in the relationship as each person talks about his or her perspective of the problems.

The negative cycle keeps the couple looping around in a dynamic where they can't find a way out.  Instead of resolving their problems, the couple remains in this same dynamic and their problems continue to escalate.

Many relationships, which could have been salvaged if the couple understood their negative dynamic and how to change it, end because one or both people feel defeated by their inability to make changes in the relationship.

Once the EFT couple therapist recognizes the negative dynamic and presents it to the couple in an empathic way, the couple have an opportunity to explore whether the couple therapist's assessment resonates with them or if the assessment needs more fine tuning.

Being able to look at the negative dynamic in their relationship is often an eye-opening experience for both people in the relationship.  They have an opportunity to look at their own contribution to the dynamic, their partner's contribution, and how it all comes together to keep them stuck.

Rather than blaming each other for their problems, the couple can focus on making changes with the help of the couple therapist.

In most relationships, there is one person who is considered the "pursuer" and another person who is considered the "withdrawer."  Generally speaking, in a heterosexual relationship, the woman is usually the "pursuer" and the man is usually the "withdrawer."

That being said, there can also be two "pursuers" and two "withdrawers"--whether it's a heterosexual, gay or transgender couple.

     What is a "Pursuer" in a Relationship?
"Pursuers"usually try to manage the relationship through approach and repetition.  They're usually the ones who point out that there are problems in the relationship and they prefer to address the problems rather than avoid them.  They often try repeatedly to express their perspective of the problem from different angles to try to engage their partners in a conversation.  They're the ones who usually ask repeatedly for clarifications and justifications.  If they're unable to get what they consider a satisfactory response from the partner, they become frustrated and often criticize and blame the partner.

     What is a "Withdrawer" in a Relationship?
"Withdrawers" often get defensive with the "pursuers'" repeated demands and criticism.  This usually leads "withdrawers" to withdraw emotionally and often physically.  As the "pursuer" becomes more and more frustrated and angry, the disagreements escalate, and as this occurs "withdrawers" often withdraw even more.  Then, this becomes part of their negative cycle.
       
     The "Pursuer" in the Relationship Begins to Experience Underlying Emotions
It's essential for the couple to complete Stage One of EFT before going onto Stages Two and Three.  As previously mentioned, Stage One presents the first opportunity for change to occur.

One of the things that usually happens in Stage One that can lead to change is that the person who is the "pursuer" experiences his or her deep, underlying emotions, which often include fear of abandonment (see my article:   How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).

In other words, rather than just focusing on his or her anger, with the help of the EFT therapist, the "pursuer" recognizes that underneath the anger, s/he is fearful that the other partner will leave.

The "pursuer" recognizes that, in the past, prior to EFT Couple Therapy, unaware of and/or unable to express this fear of abandonment, the "pursuer" continued the approach and repetition, the same dynamics that cause the "withdrawer" to feel defensive and to withdraw.

What Happens in Stage One of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?

The EFT couple therapist helps the "pursuer" to feel safe enough to tap into and express these more vulnerable emotions, and the "withdrawer" can see that, beyond the blaming and criticism, the "pursuer" is fearful.  This provides an opportunity for both people to see the underlying dynamics.

If the "withdrawer" feels safer after hearing that the partner is fearful, this provides a chance for the "withdrawer" to be less withdrawn and open up to his or her emotions rather than defensively withdrawing.  This usually allows for beginning of a de-escalation of the couple's conflicts.

I'll continue to address these issues and Stages Two and Three in EFT Couple Therapy in future articles.

See my articles:
Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example
What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?


Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy
If you and your spouse or partner would like to salvage your relationship, you could both benefit from attending EFT Couples Therapy.

Rather than continuing to struggle with the same negative dynamic, you can both learn to recognize the pattern and change it so you can have a happier relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EFT Couple Therapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship

I began discussing EFT couple therapy in my previous two articles (see my articles: EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck and How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help Improve Your Relationship).  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on how EFT couple therapy can help couples to replace negative cycles with new ways of bonding.

EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship

Negative cycles are often difficult for a couple to see on their own. But when an EFT couple therapist assesses a couple, she can eventually identify the negative cycle and help the couple to change it so that they can learn new ways of bonding together.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Developing New Ways of Bonding in EFT Couple Therapy
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how an EFT couple therapist can help a couple to recognize the negative cycle that they're stuck in and help the couple to stop the negative cycle so they can develop a new way of bonding together:

Ann and Tom
After 10 years of marriage, Ann and Tom were locked into an ongoing emotional battle where each of  them felt unloved and unappreciated by the other.

Ann explained to their EFT couple therapist that they had talked about the possibility of divorce, but they wanted to try to see if they could salvage their marriage, especially since they had two young children.

She said that problems began about five years into their marriage when their first son was born.  Tom had just started his own consulting business, and Ann had taken off time from her career to raise their son.

With stressors related to a new business and raising a young child, they began to drift apart.  They were frequently exhausted and their sex life had waned.  Tom said that Ann was a wonderful mother to their son, but she hardly ever wanted to take time for just the two of them.

He said he tried numerous times to persuade Ann to leave their son with her mother so they could go on vacation together and rekindle their relationship, but she refused to do it.  Eventually, he got tired of trying to persuade her, he threw himself into his work, and they continued to drift apart (see my article: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Drifting Apart).

A few months prior to coming to couple therapy, Tom told Ann he felt like he was living with a roommate.  He told her that they were still young enough to start their lives over, and he broached the topic of divorce.  Shocked and upset, Ann told Tom that it would be devastating for their children if they got a divorce, and she wanted to see if they could save their marriage, which was what brought them into EFT couple therapy.

As the EFT couple therapist listened to each of them talk about their relationship history, it was clear to her that, in the past, Tom had been the pursuer in the relationship, and Ann had been the withdrawer.  Tom had been the one who was reaching out to Ann earlier in their marriage, and Ann withdrew emotionally from Tom.

By the time they came for couple therapy, they both appeared to be withdrawn and exhausted.  The EFT couple therapist noted that they hardly looked at each other when they spoke and neither of them made an effort to connect with a look or a touch.  And yet here they were seeking help in therapy.

When the EFT couple therapist asked what attracted each of them to the other  when they first met, Tom said how attracted he was to Ann when they first met in a college class.  He was drawn to her passion and enthusiasm in the class, and he eventually asked her out on a date.  Ann said she was drawn to Tom's good looks and how he made her laugh when they went out.

As they spoke about their relationship history, the EFT couple therapist noticed each of them come alive momentarily, and she commented on it.  For the first time in the session, Tom reached over to Ann, but Ann looked away and Tom withdrew his hand.

When the EFT couple therapist pointed out this interaction and asked Ann how she experienced it, Ann said that she felt emotionally numb.  She said it had been so long since they had touched one another in any way that she felt uncomfortable.  She said, even though she wanted her marriage to work out, she felt a sense of helplessness and almost hopelessness about it.

As the EFT couple therapist helped Ann and Tom to identify their negative cycle, which included Tom making gestures for connection and Ann pulling away, they both agreed that this was their negative dynamic, and they didn't know how to change it.

Over time, with the EFT couple therapist's help, Ann began to express her emotional vulnerability with caution, and Tom listened and felt more compassionate towards Ann.  She said that, after their first child was born, she felt Tom was making emotional demands of her that she couldn't fulfill, and she felt like a failure as a wife.

After their second child was born, Ann said, she felt that Tom's suggestion that they take time apart from their children felt impossible for her.  At the time, she didn't want to leave them in the care of her mother to go away with Tom, and this was the source of frequent arguments between them--until Tom buried himself in his work and Ann became more involved in their children's activities.

They were each able to see how they had gotten to this point after Ann withdrew emotionally and Tom became more resentful, distant and stopped trying to get closer to Ann.

With the help of the EFT couple therapist, each of them began to take small steps to allow themselves to be more open and vulnerable with each other and, slowly, things began to change as they developed a new emotional bond.

Conclusion
In most relationships where the couple is having problems, there is often a negative cycle in the relationship where there is a pursuer and a withdrawer.  After being immersed in this negative cycle for a while, the pursuer might also eventually withdraw emotionally until the couple drifts apart.  Without help, a couple who is stuck in a negative cycle often continues to drift apart until the relationship ends.

With help in EFT couple therapy, a couple can begin to identify their negative cycle and make small gestures to change.  It can take a while for each person in the relationship to trust again to be able to be emotionally vulnerable.

The role of the EFT couple therapist is to help the couple see their negative cycle and develop new ways of bonding.

Getting Help With EFT Couple Therapy
Many couples who are stuck in a negative cycle are helped by EFT couple therapy to learn new ways of relating so they can bond emotionally again.

If you and your spouse are having problems in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your relationship to get help.

Rather than continuing to drift apart, getting help in EFT couple therapy could save your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many people to improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.