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You might understand how you and your partner feel different about many areas in your life, including different feelings about friends, family members, in-laws, religion, politics and other areas.
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| Coping With Pregnancy Loss |
But when you and your partner differ on your feelings about pregnancy loss, this can put a strain on the relationship, especially if each of you feels you're dealing with it in the "right way" and your partner is dealing with it in the "wrong way".
If you both have a hard time talking to each other about the way you feel, the loss can erode the relationship and, possibly, push you apart.
You might feel frustrated, angry and sad if:
- One of you wants to talk about the loss and other doesn't.
- Your partner experiences the loss in a different way from the way you do.
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| Coping With Pregnancy Loss |
- You feel alone because your partner doesn't understand how you feel or they might not want to talk about it.
- Your partner expresses feeling alone because you don't feel the same way they do.
- Your partner wants to "move on" to start making plans for the future including wanting to try again to get pregnant and you're not ready.
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| Coping With Pregnancy Loss |
- Your partner doesn't seem to think your feelings are as important as theirs.
- You might think your feelings are more important than your partner's feelings or vice versa.
- One or both of you feel you're either overreacting or under-reacting to the loss.
- Your partner doesn't feel the pregnancy loss was really a loss at all, but you feel devastated by it (or vice versa).
- You feel your partner is getting all the attention from loved ones and you feel your feelings are being minimized or vice versa.
- You feel so upset about the loss that you're unable to be emotionally supportive of your partner.
- You feel the miscarriage was your fault and you have let down your partner.
- You feel so guilty and ashamed about the miscarriage that you feel too upset to talk about it.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information omitted to protect confidentiality:
Donna and Jack
Donna and Jack, who were both in their mid-30s, were married three years when Donna had a miscarriage during the ninth week of the pregnancy.
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| Coping With Pregnancy Loss |
They had been trying to get pregnant for two years and they were both elated when Donna found out she was pregnant.
But several weeks later, Donna felt cramping which was similar to menstrual cramps. She also had lower back pain. Suddenly she noticed that she had vaginal bleeding and she realized she was having a miscarriage.
Jack rushed Donna to the hospital in their car and their worst fears were confirmed. The emergency room doctor was empathetic and tried to reassure them that miscarriages occur about 10-20% of the time. He also told them that she should see her OB-GYN.
Donna's OB-GYN reiterated what the ER doctor told them. He offered to refer them for counseling to deal with the loss, but neither of them was ready to speak with a counselor at that point.
They avoided telling their families for a few days because Donna was sure her family would blame her for the miscarriage and Jack thought his family would feel uncomfortable talking about the miscarriage.
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| Coping With Pregnancy Loss |
During that time, Donna tried to think about what she might have done that could have caused the miscarriage. Despite reassurances from her OB-GYN that she had done nothing to cause the miscarriage, Dona felt guilty and ashamed. She felt like she had let Jack down--despite Jack telling her that he didn't blame her and she shouldn't blame herself.
A few weeks later, they told their families about the miscarriage and both families reacted as they feared they might. Donna's mother told her that she must have done something to cause the miscarriage, which was hurtful to Donna, and Jack's family barely said a word about it. His mother came every few days to check in with them and to bring food, but neither of Jack's parents could bring themselves to talk about it.
A month later, Jack told Donna that he couldn't tolerate feeling sad about the miscarriage any more and he felt they should "move on" and try to get pregnant again. He knew Donna was still very sad, but he hoped that getting pregnant again would help Donna to feel better.
But Donna felt she couldn't even consider getting pregnant again so quickly. She feared she would have another miscarriage--even though her OB-GYN assured her that there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to have a baby.
Donna wanted to be able to talk to Jack about the loss, but Jack told her that he didn't think he could talk about it any more, "Donna, I don't know what else to say about the miscarriage. I feel sad too, but I need to feel we're moving ahead and creating a future together. Why wouldn't you want that too?"
Donna became angry and frustrated with Jack's response. She couldn't understand why he couldn't just be there for her without focusing on the future, "Besides, I can't even think about having sex at this point. I just don't feel sexual."
They decided to see a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. Their therapist normalized that it's not unusual for two people to feel differently about a miscarriage or about any loss.
She focused on getting them each to listen and validate each other's feelings. She helped them to communicate with each other about how they were each feeling instead of focusing on the "right" or "wrong" way to feel.
When she encouraged them to create a ritual together to remember the loss, Donna suggested that they light candles for a week while they sat together in front of the candles to memorialize the loss. This worked out well for Jack because he felt he didn't have the words to talk about the loss outside the couples therapy session.
When they returned to their couples therapy session a week later, Donna said she was feeling somewhat calmer. She was still sad, but she didn't feel angry and frustrated with Jack. She said they sat together holding hands in front of the candles and she felt emotionally supported by Jack.
Jack said he felt less pressure to come up with what he wanted to say about the miscarriage. He also indicated that he felt a lot more empathy for Donna when they sat together in this way.
This was a turning point in their loss and, gradually, Donna was able to begin thinking about the possibility of trying to get pregnant again. She still wasn't in the mood to have sex, but Jack was patient.
Their couples therapist was also a sex therapist so they worked on reviving their physical intimacy together until they both felt ready to reconnect sexually.
Initially, they focused on reconnecting emotionally and enjoying the sexual intimacy before they tried to get pregnant again.
How to Deal With Pregnancy Loss Together When You Each Have Different Feelings
- Accept You Both Have Different Feelings: It's normal for two people to feel and react differently to a loss. Also, two people can have different times when they grieve. Some people grieve immediately and others grieve in a few months (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).
- Listen and Talk to Each Other: Even if you don't feel the same way your partner feels, allow your partner to tell you how they feel. If they can't talk about it, maybe they can write down their feelings. Be emotionally supportive of each other (see my article: Writing About Grief).
- Find Ways to Memorialize Your Loss: You and your partner can find ways to memorialize your loss together in whatever way is meaningful to you including lighting candles together or finding other meaningful rituals you can do together (see my article: The Power of Personal Rituals).
Get Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are unable to talk to each other about the loss, seek help in therapy.
A skilled therapist, who has experience helping couples deal with pregnancy loss, can help you both to grieve in whatever way is meaningful to each of you.
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| Get Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss |
Rather than struggling on your own and allowing the loss to erode your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can heal together.
Also see my other articles about grief:
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through their grief.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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