Developing a New Psychological Perspective About Your Parents After They're Gone

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I frequently treat clients who enter therapy because they are struggling with unresolved feelings about deceased parents. 

Processing family history in therapy can help adults transform childhood resentment into a more compassionate, integrated understanding of their deceased parents.

Many people carry emotional burdens from early childhood into their adult lives, hoping to find a peaceful resolution. (If you are working through deeper childhood wounds, you may find it helpful to read my previous guide on Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

Strange as it might sound, you do not need a living parent to heal your relationship with them. Many clients successfully develop a new, healthier relationship within their own internal world even after their parents have passed away.

WHY RESOLVING PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS CAN BE A LIFELONG ENDEAVOR

For many people, working out parental relationships is a longstanding, painful endeavor. It is not unusual for individuals to struggle with these conflicting emotions on their own from early childhood all the way into old age without ever finding peace.

As children, our psychological capacity to understand our parents is deeply limited. Children naturally tend to idealize their parents. A young child might view their mother as an all-knowing, glamorous protector, or see their father as an invincible hero.

As we enter adolescence, our psychological needs shift toward autonomy. Teenagers naturally begin to prioritize peer opinions and may denigrate their parents' values to establish independence. This shift from childhood idealization to teenage separation is a normal stage of human development.

However, when adult children seek psychotherapy to address parental wounds, it is usually because negative feelings—like deep resentment, disappointment, and anger—are lingering. They want to achieve emotional resolution so that unresolved resentment does not continue to eat away at them for the rest of their lives.

ADDRESSING RESENTMENT TOWARD AN "INEPT" PARENT

There are many complex reasons for longstanding parental resentment. In severe cases involving systematic mistreatment, specialized trauma therapy is required. You can explore these deeper dynamics in my dedicated resources:

• Overcoming the Psychological Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse
  
• Healing From Childhood Trauma to Lead a More Fulfilling Life as an Adult
  
• How Emotional Neglect in Childhood Affects Adult Trust
  

In this article, we will focus on a specific, common clinical issue: the disappointment and resentment an adult child feels when they grew up viewing a parent as inept, bumbling, or incapable.

CASE STUDY: HOW THERAPY HELPS TRANSFORUM UNRESOLVED PARENTAL RESENTMENT

To understand how an adult can transition from a negative psychological perspective to a more integrated, compassionate viewpoint, consider the following clinical composite. This vignette represents a blend of common psychotherapy cases to protect client confidentiality.

THE PROFILE OF "ROGER"

• The Client: Roger was an engineer in his early 30s who initially sought treatment at my private practice in NYC due to intense anger and resentment toward his male boss. He feared his disproportionate outbursts would cost him his career.

• The Core Pattern: Throughout his life, Roger struggled with male authority figures. As we explored his family history, it became clear that this anger directly paralleled his lifelong resentment toward his father, Dan, who had died suddenly of a heart attack several years prior.
• The View of the Father: Roger viewed his deceased father as inept. While he described Dan as a kind, well-meaning man, he remembered him as someone who "just couldn't get it right."
• The Childhood Dynamic: Whenever Dan tried to fix a household project, he fumbled until Roger’s mother had to take over in frustration. Dan also struggled with severe concentration issues, frequently "spacing out" when trying to help Roger with homework.

UNCOVERING THE UNSEEN HISTORY OF A DECEASED PARENT

Roger also recalled that his father suffered from terrifying, violent nightmares, shouting in his sleep and pacing the floors for the rest of the night. Because of this profound sleep deprivation, Dan frequently missed work at the retail business he co-owned with his brothers. Even though he was an intelligent man, Dan felt deeply humiliated by his inability to function. He also refused to ever discuss what was bothering him.

As an adult client, Roger felt immense guilt for harboring these resentments now that his father was gone. He deeply regretted that he had not achieved a resolution before Dan died.

However, as a psychotherapist listening to this history, it became clear that there was a critical piece of Dan's life story that Roger did not fully understand from a mature psychological lens. Roger knew from his mother, Betty, that his parents were dating steadily before Dan was drafted into the Army and deployed to the Vietnam War. They married immediately upon his return.

DEVELOPING AN INTEGRATED PSYCHOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE

In therapy, we began to reframe Dan's "ineptitude" through a trauma-informed lens. What Roger’s family had interpreted as bumbling incompetence, spacing out, and laziness were actually classic, severe symptoms of untreated :Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and combat trauma.

By looking at his father not just as a disappointing parent, but as a traumatized war veteran who lacked the mental health resources to heal, Roger was able to build a new internal perspective. He could hold two truths at once: his childhood disappointment was valid, but his father was not inept—he was a broken man doing the best he could with severe psychological wounds. 

This integrated view allowed Roger to release his resentment, forgive his father, and naturally resolve his anger toward his current boss.

HEAL UNRESOLVED GRIEF WITH AN NYC PSYCHOTHERAPIST

You do not have to carry ancestral burdens or unresolved parental resentment forever. Psychotherapy provides a safe, clinical space to re-evaluate your history, process grief and alter your internal relationship with those who are gone.

ABOUT JOSEPHINE FERRARO, LCSW

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EFT couples therapist and certified sex therapist. 

As a Trauma Therapist I have advanced training EMDR, AEDP, IFS and Somatic Experiencing. 

I work with individual adults and couples in my office in Greenwich Village, NYC (10011) and online to resolve childhood trauma, relationship blocks, and complex grief.

• Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
• Phone: (917) 742-2624 (Business Hours)
• Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

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How to Cope With Pregnancy Loss When You and Your Partner Have Different Feelings About the Loss

Couples often discover that they might differ in their feelings about a pregnancy loss (see my articles:  Coping With Pregnancy Loss and Allowing Room For Grief).

You might understand how you and your partner feel different about many areas in your life, including different feelings about friends, family members, in-laws, religion, politics and other areas.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

But when you and your partner differ on your feelings about pregnancy loss, this can put a strain on the relationship, especially if each of you feels you're dealing with it in the "right way" and your partner is dealing with it in the "wrong way".

If you both have a hard time talking to each other about the way you feel, the loss can erode the relationship and, possibly, push you apart.

You might feel frustrated, angry and sad if:

• One of you wants to talk about the loss and other doesn't.

• Your partner experiences the loss in a different way from the way you do.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

• You feel alone because your partner doesn't understand how you feel or they might not want to talk about it.

• Your partner expresses feeling alone because you don't feel the same way they do.

• Your partner wants to "move on" to start making plans for the future including wanting to try again to get pregnant and you're not ready.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

• Your partner doesn't seem to think your feelings are as important as theirs.

• You might think your feelings are more important than your partner's feelings or vice versa.

• One or both of you feel you're either overreacting or under-reacting to the loss.

• Your partner doesn't feel  the pregnancy loss was really a loss at all, but you feel devastated by it (or vice versa).

• You feel your partner is getting all the attention from loved ones and you feel your feelings are being minimized or vice versa.

• You feel so upset about the loss that you're unable to be emotionally supportive of your partner.

• You feel the miscarriage was your fault and you have let down your partner.

• You feel so guilty and ashamed about the miscarriage that you feel too upset to talk about it.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information omitted to protect confidentiality:

Donna and Jack

Donna and Jack, who were both in their mid-30s, were married three years when Donna had a miscarriage during the ninth week of the pregnancy.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

They had been trying to get pregnant for two years and they were both elated when Donna found out she was pregnant. 

But several weeks later, Donna felt cramping which was similar to menstrual cramps. She also had lower back pain. Suddenly she noticed that she had vaginal bleeding and she realized she was having a miscarriage.

Jack rushed Donna to the hospital in their car and their worst fears were confirmed. The emergency room doctor was empathetic and tried to reassure them that miscarriages occur about 10-20% of the time. He also told them that she should see her OB-GYN.

Donna's OB-GYN reiterated what the ER doctor told them. He offered to refer them for counseling to deal with the loss, but neither of them was ready to speak with a counselor at that point.

They avoided telling their families for a few days because Donna was sure her family would blame her for the miscarriage and Jack thought his family would feel uncomfortable talking about the miscarriage.

Coping With Pregnancy Loss

During that time, Donna tried to think about what she might have done that could have caused the miscarriage. Despite reassurances from her OB-GYN that she had done nothing to cause the miscarriage, Dona felt guilty and ashamed. She felt like she had let Jack down--despite Jack telling her that he didn't blame her and she shouldn't blame herself.

A few weeks later, they told their families about the miscarriage and both families reacted as they feared they might. Donna's mother told her that she must have done something to cause the miscarriage, which was hurtful to Donna, and Jack's family barely said a word about it. His mother came every few days to check in with them and to bring food, but neither of Jack's parents could bring themselves to talk about it.

A month later, Jack told Donna that he couldn't tolerate feeling sad about the miscarriage any more and he felt they should "move on" and try to get pregnant again. He knew Donna was still very sad, but he hoped that getting pregnant again would help Donna to feel better.

But Donna felt she couldn't even consider getting pregnant again so quickly. She feared she would have another miscarriage--even though her OB-GYN assured her that there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to have a baby.

Donna wanted to be able to talk to Jack about the loss, but Jack told her that he didn't think he could talk about it any more, "Donna, I don't know what else to say about the miscarriage. I feel sad too, but I need to feel we're moving ahead and creating a future together. Why wouldn't you want that too?"

Donna became angry and frustrated with Jack's response. She couldn't understand why he couldn't just be there for her without focusing on the future, "Besides, I can't even think about having sex at this point. I just don't feel sexual."

They decided to see a couples therapist who was also a sex therapist. Their therapist normalized that it's not unusual for two people to feel differently about a miscarriage or about any loss.  

She focused on getting them each to listen and validate each other's feelings.  She helped them to communicate with each other about how they were each feeling instead of focusing on the "right" or "wrong" way to feel.

When she encouraged them to create a ritual together to remember the loss, Donna suggested that they light candles for a week while they sat together in front of the candles to memorialize the loss. This worked out well for Jack because he felt he didn't have the words to talk about the loss outside the couples therapy session.

When they returned to their couples therapy session a week later, Donna said she was feeling somewhat calmer. She was still sad, but she didn't feel angry and frustrated with Jack. She said they sat together holding hands in front of the candles and she felt emotionally supported by Jack.

Jack said he felt less pressure to come up with what he wanted to say about the miscarriage. He also indicated that he felt a lot more empathy for Donna when they sat together in this way.

This was a turning point in their loss and, gradually, Donna was able to begin thinking about the possibility of trying to get pregnant again. She still wasn't in the mood to have sex, but Jack was patient.

Their couples therapist was also a sex therapist so they worked on reviving their physical intimacy together until they both felt ready to reconnect sexually. 

Initially, they focused on reconnecting emotionally and enjoying the sexual intimacy before they tried to get pregnant again.

How to Deal With Pregnancy Loss Together When You Each Have Different Feelings

• Accept You Both Have Different Feelings: It's normal for two people to feel and react differently to a loss. Also, two people can have different times when they grieve. Some people grieve immediately and others grieve in a few months (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

• Listen and Talk to Each Other: Even if you don't feel the same way your partner feels, allow your partner to tell you how they feel. If they can't talk about it, maybe they can write down their feelings. Be emotionally supportive of each other (see my article: Writing About Grief).

• Find Ways to Memorialize Your Loss: You and your partner can find ways to memorialize your loss together in whatever way is meaningful to you including lighting candles together or finding other meaningful rituals you can do together (see my article: The Power of Personal Rituals).

Get Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are unable to talk to each other about the loss, seek help in therapy. 

A skilled therapist, who has experience helping couples deal with pregnancy loss, can help you both to grieve in whatever way is meaningful to each of you.

Get Help in Therapy For Pregnancy Loss

Rather than struggling on your own and allowing the loss to erode your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can heal together.

Also see my other articles about grief:

Coping With Grief

Complicated Grief

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.