Creating a Sense of Home Starts Within Yourself

Your home is more than just a place.  Whether "home" means your parents' house or a home that you have created on your own, the emotional meaning of "home" has a lot to do with your earliest experiences of living in a secure, stable environment--or not (see my article: A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a "Perfect" Family).  Creating a home starts from within yourself.

Creating a Home Starts Within Yourself

If you were lucky enough to live in a stable, happy home with both parents and your siblings, your home was more than a financial asset.  It was the place where you knew you would be loved and cared for and where you could always return.

As the poet, Robert Frost once said, "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

If you were fortunate, home was a place where you would have pets, bring friends, and celebrate birthdays and holidays.

It didn't have to be perfect--it just had to be "good enough" for you and your family to thrive and have a sense of well-being.

Developing a Home For Yourself
How do you create a home for yourself?

Creating a Home Starts Within Yourself 

Creating a home for yourself is about feeling comfortable with yourself and having people that you love and who love you in your life.

Your home starts within yourself--it's a feeling that you carry around inside you.

If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a relatively happy home, you already have a sense of what this means.

If you weren't fortunate enough to grow up in a happy home or if you experienced a lot of upheaval in your early life, you might have more of a challenge creating a home for yourself.

The following fictionalized vignette illustrates the challenges of creating a home for yourself when your early childhood was chaotic, and how therapy can help you to develop a feeling of "home" inside yourself first:

Fictionalized Vignette:  Creating a Home Starts Within Yourself

Ken
By the time Ken was 11, he and his family had lived in five different apartments.

On average, he and his family moved every two years or so because his family couldn't afford to pay the rent or because the landlord forced them out in order to get another family who could afford to pay more.

Ken was the youngest of four children being raised by a single mother.  He never knew his father.

He often felt confused and unhappy about moving away from his friends and his school.  No one ever explained to him why they had to move and why there was such chaos each time.

When he was seven, his mother told him that they would have to give up their dog because the apartments that she saw wouldn't allow dogs.  This was a terrible loss for Ken.

When he was nine, his family lost most of their possessions because the landlord put their things out on the street and they were stolen.

The family had to move in with Ken's maternal grandmother in an apartment that was already overcrowded with other relatives.  They lived this way for another year until his mother could save up enough money for the first month's rent for their next apartment.

Although Ken was bright, he began to have academic problems by the time he was 10.  His teacher, who knew that Ken was intelligent and capable to doing the work, spoke with his mother to encourage her to try to motivate Ken to be more diligent about studying and doing his homework.  But his mother already had her hands full with working two jobs, so she had little time to spend with Ken.

With Ken's mother's permission, his teacher introduced Ken to the school counselor, who became a mentor to Ken.  The counselor saw that, in addition to being smart, Ken was artistic and she encouraged him to pursue his artistic talent.  This made a tremendous difference for Ken (see my article: How One Person Can Make a Difference in a Traumatized Child's Life).

His elementary school counselor remained a mentor to Ken even after he went to high school, and she encouraged him to apply to college.

At that point, Ken didn't have a sense of a future for himself, and he was beginning to hang around with other teens who were involved in a gang.

Creating a Home Starts Within Yourself 

When his mentor found out about this, she spent more time with him to help him to find other groups and outlets for himself.

Soon after that, Ken came home and was shocked to find his mother and maternal grandmother crying.  He always thought of them as "strong women" and he couldn't ever remember a time when he ever saw either of them cry.

His mother sat Ken down and told him that his oldest brother, Tom, was shot in the spine, and he was rushed to the hospital.  His mother and grandmother were about to leave for the hospital, but they were waiting for Ken.

The family found out from the police that Tom was part of a gang and he was shot by a member of a rival gang.  This was all that the police knew from their sources.  Since witnesses refused to identify the shooter, there were no suspects so far.

After Tom was operated on, he learned that he would probably be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.  Physical rehabilitation might help him somewhat, but the doctors were not hopeful.

This tragedy had a profound impact on Ken.  When he spoke with his mentor about it, he told her that  he didn't want to end up like Tom, so he would do whatever it took to get into college to try to make a better life for himself.

Ken applied himself in high school like he had never done before.  He took an SAT test prep course and passed the SAT with a high score.  With high hopes for getting into a college, Ken, his mother and maternal grandmother visited various colleges and explored scholarships.

Five years later, Ken graduated college and he was hired as a marketing representative by a company that recruited him while he was still in college.

When he started working, he helped his mother financially, but he really wanted his own place.

Looking for an apartment, he discovered how expensive rents were, especially in Manhattan, so he chose an apartment in the Bronx that was barely affordable for him.

After he moved out, he began dating a woman, June, that he met through a friend.  When he invited her over to his apartment, she was surprised that, even though he lived there for a year, he had done nothing with the apartment other than getting some basic necessities, like a bed and a TV.

When June asked Ken why he had no pictures on the wall and why he barely had any furniture, he told her that he didn't know how long he would stay, so he didn't want to invest any money in the apartment to try to make it into a home for himself.

Then, he told her about all the apartments that he and his family had over the years and the loss of their dog and so many of their possessions.  He didn't think it was worth trying to make it into a home for himself.

After June heard about his family history, she understood that Ken didn't really have a concept of what a home is and, aside from the upheaval that he experienced as a child, he didn't really know where to begin.  She also realized that, based on his history, he also had no sense that he deserved anything better.

When June got her own apartment, she couldn't afford to spend a lot on furnishings, but she made modest purchases to make the place a haven for herself.  Unlike Ken, she grew up in a home where she and her family lived most of their lives, so she knew how important it was to come home to a place where she would feel comfortable and secure--even on her modest salary.

When Ken visited her apartment for the first time, he was impressed with how creative she was in making her place cozy and comfortable for very little money.

June offered to help Ken to make small, inexpensive changes to his apartment so he would feel that he had a comfortable place to come home to, but he rejected her help.  When she asked him why, he said he wasn't sure why.

When Ken spoke with his mentor, she told Ken that he had lived through many traumatic experiences in his childhood, and she suggested that he seek help in therapy.

Initially, Ken balked at the idea of therapy.  It was one thing for him to speak with his mentor, who was his former school counselor, but he felt it was a ver different thing for him to speak with a psychotherapist, "I'm not a weak person" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

But, over time, the more he thought about it, the more Ken realized that he really wasn't happy in his apartment, which was supposed to be his "home."  He wasn't even sure what a "home" was supposed to be.  That's when he decided to seek help in therapy.

During the initial therapy sessions, Ken felt anxious and ambivalent about talking to a stranger (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent).  But, as he continued to go, he developed a rapport with his therapist and he felt she understood what he was talking to her about.

Working through the traumatic issues that caused Ken to feel rootless as a child was hard work, but he usually felt better afterwards.

Ken and his therapist talked about what a "home" meant to him.  At first, he couldn't think of anything, except that it was a place where you live, eat, and watch TV.

When his therapist asked Ken to imagine what he would have liked as his ideal home, at first, Ken thought about having a big expensive house with a pool and a housekeeper.

But as they continued to talk, Ken realized that what he really wanted was something that he never had--a place where he could feel comfortable and secure.

Over time, Ken realized that creating a home for himself wasn't about having an expensive house or fancy furniture.  It was more about what he could create from the inside out.  In other words, the feeling of "home" was something that he needed to create inside himself first and then he could create it externally.

Since Ken was artistic and he liked to draw, his therapist recommended that Ken draw what his apartment would look like if it were a more of a haven.

Creating a Home Starts Within Yourself

During that time, Ken also worked with his therapist to overcome the childhood trauma that created emotional obstacles for him, including that he grew up without a father (see my article: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma From a Long Time Ago).

Gradually, as Ken thought about what "home" meant to him and he made drawings of how he could create a haven for himself in his modest apartment, he began to make small changes that made both him feel more comfortable in his home, and a place he could share with his girlfriend, June.

Conclusion
Creating a home for yourself comes from your internal experience of what a home means to you.

For people who grew up in a home where they felt secure and loved, even if it was a modest home, being able to create an emotionally meaningful home for themselves is usually second nature.  They don't have to think about it a lot.

But if you grew up with chaos and upheaval, you might not know what it means to create a home for yourself.

Getting Help in Therapy
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the psychological obstacles that are getting in the way of your taking care of yourself (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

An experienced therapist can help you to learn how to create a home for yourself that feels like a haven.

The process of creating a home for yourself begins internally with you discovering what you need, the obstacles in your way of creating what you need, and the willingness to see the process through in therapy (see my article: Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life).

If you're stuck in your life, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome emotional obstacles so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome emotional obstacles so they could lead a more rewarding life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Nothing ever stays the same indefinitely in life.  If you think back on your life over time, you realize how many changes you went through.  Change is inevitable and it can be hard, so preparing emotionally for major changes makes sense.

See my articles 

Midlife Transitions: Reassessing Your Life

Midlife Transitions - Part 2: Living the Life You Want to Live, 

Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence, 

Fear of Change 

Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone).

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

There are some changes that happen so suddenly that you might not get a chance to prepare for them emotionally:  A sudden job loss, an unexpected medical problem or the unexpected betrayal of a friend.  But there are many expected changes, like going to college, starting your first job, getting married or retiring that you can prepare for emotionally.

Basic Steps to Preparing For Major Changes in Your Life:

• Acknowledge to yourself that change can be difficult and that you might be emotionally challenged in unexpected ways.
• Know that it's normal to feel some anxiety about change.
• Assess your situation and get as much information as you can before you make the change.
• Get input and support from trusted friends, family members and people who have gone through this type of change before.
• Weigh your options.
• Make a decision and come up with a plan.
• Take responsibility for making a decision and seeing it through.
• Take extra care of yourself and expect that the decision making process and the change might take more of a toll on you than you expect, even when it's a change that you consider to be positive.
• After the change has taken place, reassess your plan and make any necessary changes.
• Maintain contact with your emotional support system.
• Get help in therapy if the change is overwhelming or brings up unresolved issues from the past.

Fictionalized Vignette About Preparing Emotionally For a Major Change

Tom
Tom and his wife, Helen, had been talking about retirement for several years.

When they first started talking about it five years before, it seemed like it was a long way off.  But now that they were a year away from retirement, it suddenly seemed to loom large for Tom.

They had already decided that they would remain in New York City because they loved the city, especially the cultural events.  They also had most of their family and friends in New York, so they didn't want to leave.

Helen decided that she would get more involved in a charity where she already volunteered.  After retirement, she could spend more time doing what she loved.

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

But Tom wasn't sure what he wanted to do.  He knew that he would enjoy the first few weeks of being able to relax, but he also knew that he would get bored after a while if he just hung around the apartment.

He had already gone to his financial advisor, so he was clear on what their financial situation would be.  He had also looked into their health benefits plan and social security benefits, so that was taken care of already.

He just wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his time, and the more he thought about it, the more worried he got.

His other worry was that he associated retirement with death because his father died shortly after he retired.

Even though he was in good health and younger than his father when he retired, Tom still couldn't get this fear out of his mind.

He talked to his friends and family members, who were either retired or close to retirement.  After talking to them, he felt better for a short time, but then his fear would creep up on him again and cause him to lose sleep.

In the past, Tom had a good experience with psychotherapy, so he decided to return to his former therapist to deal with his anxiety and indecision.

As soon as he sat in his therapist's office, he remembered how comforted he felt in the past during their prior sessions, so he was glad that he returned to her rather than seeking out another therapist.  But he wondered if she would be able to help him with his current fear.

As they talked about how he associated retirement with death, Tom remembered how worn out and tired his father was by the time he retired.  Working a physically taxing job, his father looked at least 10 years older than his actual age.  The job had taken a toll on his health and he died less than a year later, which was devastating for Tom.

When he was last in therapy, Tom came for overcome a specific phobia he had about flying, so he had never talked much about his relationship with his father during his prior therapy sessions.

As he talked about his father's physically demanding job and his subsequent death soon after retirement, Tom broke down in tears unexpectedly.  He was upset about the loss and the fact that his father didn't get a chance to enjoy his retirement.

Then, he verbalized a thought that he had never been consciously aware of before:  If his father didn't get to enjoy his retirement, why should he deserve to enjoy his upcoming retirement?

The overwhelming feelings of guilt and sadness surprised Tom.  Now, he was beginning to understand why he was having difficulty planning what he might want to do with his free time:  Not only was he afraid of death, which was related to his father's death, but he also didn't feel that he deserved to enjoy his retirement because of his father's experience.

Tom thought he had grieved the loss of his father a long time ago, but he felt the loss again as if it happened yesterday.

He had taken care of the practical aspects of his retirement, but he couldn't overcome the feeling that he was undeserving.  And he only realized that he felt this way once he began talking to his therapist.

Tom's therapist helped him to understand that major life changes could bring up issues from the past.  She also explained that Tom was experiencing his grief for his father on another level where Tom had an unconscious identification with his father (see my article: An Unconscious Identification With a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change).

Over time, Tom expressed how he wished he could have done something to spare his father from death.  Until now, Tom had blocked out these feelings about his father's death.  Now, he realized that these feelings that he blocked out for so long were coming up and creating obstacles for him.

Tom also felt guilty that his father worked so hard to put him through college, and maybe if he didn't work so hard, he might have lived longer.  But he also knew that his father was so proud when Tom graduated college, especially since Tom's father never had an opportunity to go to college.

Tom's therapist encouraged Tom to keep a journal between psychotherapy sessions to capture any thoughts, feelings or dreams that might come up (see my article:  The Benefits of Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions).

He found writing in the journal especially useful because it deepened his understanding of his problems, and he was able to bring in his journal to the next session to talk to his therapist.

During his therapy sessions, Tom realized that he was only remembering the hard times that his father had and not the good time that he had with Tom and Tom's mother.

When he realized that he was mostly focused on his father's hardships to the exclusion of the happy times, Tom decided to write about his father's life.  So, between sessions he wrote short stories about his father, and he shared his writing with his therapist during each session.

As Tom wrote about his father, he realized that his father had many happy times in his life.  He also felt closer to his father than he had felt in a long time.

As he worked through the loss of his father on this deeper level, Tom began to feel lighter.  He no longer felt afraid of dying after he retired because he was able to separate his upcoming experience from his father's.

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Tom allowed himself to start thinking about what he would want to do after he retired.  He knew that he didn't want to spend his time playing golf or going to the casino, as some of his friends did.  He wanted something much more meaningful.

As he was considering the possibilities, he received a notice in the mail that the local elementary school was looking for volunteers for their reading program and a light went off in his head:  He loved little children and he loved reading, so this would be perfect for him.

As Tom talked about volunteering for the reading program in his therapy session, he felt a new sense of energy and enthusiasm.  He also realized that he no longer felt guilty about his father.  In fact, he knew his father would be proud of him for working with children.

Conclusion
Whenever you're facing a major change in your life, there are usually practical considerations to address.  But there also emotional issues to address as well.

No matter what type of change you're planning for, the practical considerations might be straightforward or, at least, there might be logical steps to follow.  But preparing emotionally can be more challenging, especially if there are issues that might be unconscious, as they were for Tom in the fictionalized vignette.

These unconscious emotional issues, which can be challenging, are often difficult to resolve on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy
When faced with a major change, whether it's one your chose or one that has been suddenly placed before you, you might be challenged in unexpected ways.

Even when you recognize that some of your fears are irrational, that's often not enough to banish those fears.

Sometimes the support of loved ones isn't enough or you might not feel comfortable talking to them about the emotional obstacles that are in your way.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist, who can help you to overcome those fears.

Being able to face your fears and deal with them in the light of day can be a freeing and transformational experience, so don't hesitate to get help in therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to prepare emotionally for major changes and to overcome emotional obstacles.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Understanding the Difference Between Compassion and Responsibility - Part 2

In my previous article, Understanding the Difference Between Compassion and Responsibility - Part 1, I began a discussion about people who are emotionally traumatized who confuse compassion with taking responsibility.  In the current article, I'm continuing this discussion with a composite scenario as an example of this dynamic.

Understanding the Difference Between Compassion and Responsibility

The following scenario is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality:

"Rose:"
When Rose was a child, she grew up in a household where her mother was abusing prescription drugs and her father was usually away on business.

As the oldest child, she was more aware than her younger siblings of their mother's drug problem.

By the time she was seven, she was already cooking dinner for her siblings, cleaning and washing clothes while their mother was passed out on the sofa.

Understanding the Difference Between Compassion and Responsibility

When her mother was awake, she often confided in Rose, telling her how depressed she felt.  Since Rose was only a child, she felt overwhelmed by these talks.  But she also felt a great deal of love and compassion for her mother.

So, not only was Rose taking on adult responsibilities for herself and her siblings, she also tried to comfort her mother and tried to help her to cheer up.

More than anything, Rose wanted her mother to be happy, and she thought that if she listened to her mother and was "a very good girl," it might make her mother feel better.  But, of course, it never did.

It wasn't until Rose was in her early 30s and ending her latest unhappy relationship where she was unable to rescue her boyfriend that she realized that she needed help.

As Rose talked about her history of romantic relationships, she described one relationship after another where she felt love and compassion for each boyfriend and she wished, more than anything, to save him from himself.

The men that she chose to be in relationships with were men with either gambling or abusing alcohol or drugs.

In each relationship, similar to her relationship with her mother, she felt it was up to her to rescue these men, but none of these relationships ever worked.

Understanding the Difference Between Compassion and Responsibility

Each time, Rose came away feeling that she "wasn't enough" and if she had been good enough, she would have helped these men to change.

We used a mind-body oriented therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), to find the earliest memory of when Rose felt this way (see my article: What is EMDR?).

Rose remembered being seven years old and seeing her mother slumped on the couch, passed out on prescription drugs, as Rose was cooking dinner for her siblings.

She remembered feeling so compassionate for her mother, wishing that she knew what to do to make her happy so she wouldn't be so unhappy.

As an adult, Rose recognized that her feelings for the men that she tried to rescue were similar.

As we continued to process this earliest memory about her mother, I asked Rose if a seven year old child can rescue a mother.

Of course, Rose knew logically that this didn't make sense.

But, due to the way EMDR helps clients to integrate memories with new information, Rose was able to do something she had never been able to do before--she was able to feel this on an emotional level.

Then, something else happened that never happened before:  She began to feel love and compassion towards the child that she was growing up.

She realized, for the first time, how lonely and unhappy she was back then, and she imagined herself holding and soothing her younger self.

We also did an EMDR interweave where she imagined that, as a child, she had an ideal mother who would have cared for her.  She described what the ideal mother would have looked like, her scent, how soft her skins was, how loving she would have been towards Rose, and imagined this mother holding and soothing her.

The integrative process of EMDR made this imagined ideal mother come alive for Rose so that she could even close her eyes when she wasn't in a therapy session and imagine her soothing her.

Over time, Rose was able to mourn for her unmet emotional needs.

She also began to distinguish feeling compassion for someone vs taking responsibility for his well being.

She realized, on a cognitive and emotional level, that she no longer had to rescue people.  Even more than that, having worked through the early memories that were triggering her in her current relationships, she no longer felt the desire to do that.

Rose was, at last, free to nurture herself and have healthy, reciprocal relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy
The dynamic that I've described in the above composite scenario is an all too common one.

If this scenario resonates with you, you're not alone and you don't need to continue to repeat this dynamic in your life.

Getting Help in Therapy

You can get help from a licensed psychotherapist who knows how to help you to learn to distinguish feeling compassion and taking responsibility for others, and free yourself from this dynamic.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.