The End of An Unhappy Relationship: The 5 Stages of Change

Being in a relationship that is a safe haven for each person is what most people want in a relationship.  But even a relationship that starts out as a safe haven can change over time without one or both people being fully aware of it.  

For instance, in the midst of a busy, stressful life with many competing responsibilities, people might be unaware that they're growing apart, especially if the changes occur slowly over time.  

Also, many people--even people who have some degree of awareness of the problems--are often in denial about it (see my articles: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart and How Do You Know If You're in An Unhealthy Relationship?)

The End of An Unhappy Relationship: The 5 Stages of Change 

So, let's start by taking a look at the five stages of a relationship that's in the process of ending based on research in 2016 by psychologists from the University of Tennessee.  

The End of An Unhappy Relationship: The 5 Stages of Change

Although the stages in this model are presented in a linear way, the process isn't always linear.  

Many couples remain in a state of denial about the problems or they go through stages in a different order. 

 

In addition, there are also relationships that are on again and off again repeatedly and indefinitely (see my articles: The Heartbreak of the On Again-Off Again Relationship and Considering Starting Over in Relationship? Think Twice: What's Changed?) or people who remain together throughout their lives even though they're very unhappy (more about this later in the article).

• Stage 1: The Precontemplative Stage - Denial: Everything seems fine to one or both people in the relationship. They usually don't see a need for change and they're in denial about the problems.

• Stage 2: The Contemplation Stage - Beginning to Consider There Are Problems: One or both people in the relationship are beginning to consider that they might have problems. They might be thinking about it, but they're not ready to fully admit it or take action.

• Stage 3: The Preparation Stage: Making Plans to End the Relationship: This is the stage that often occurs if the couple doesn't get help in couples therapy or if they get help and it's too late to salvage of the relationship. The couple might be talking about the possibility of ending the relationship.  They might also be making initial plans to end the relationship in this stage, but the plans aren't final yet.

• Stage 4: The Taking Action Stage: This is the stage where one or both people take steps to end the relationship.  It might start by spending less time thinking about each other, spending less time together or avoiding one another.  It could end with a discussion about the relationship being irreconcilable.  One or both people might move out if they're living together. They might be consulting with divorce attorneys if they're married or taking other psychological and practical steps to end the relationship.

• Stage 5: The Maintenance Stage: One or both people take steps to solidify the end of the relationship.  This could involve getting rid of gifts, clothes and other mementos related to the relationship. Also, one or both people feel even more sure that they never want to go back to the relationship.

These stages are similar to the Stages of Change developed by the alcoholism researchers, Carlo C. DiClemente and J.O. Prochaska.  Their model includes 6 Stages.  However, the basic premise is similar--that change is usually a process.

Just to reiterate: For the sake of simplicity, these stages are presented in a linear way based on research, but couples often have their own dynamics in a problematic relationship.  

There are some volatile relationships, especially where there are borderline personality traits involved, where the dynamic might go from the Precontemplation Stage (denial) to the Taking Action Stage (ending the relationship), getting back together and going back into denial about the problems (back to the Precontemplation Stage).

There are couples that remain together, even though they're unhappy, for various practical or psychological reasons, among them: financial, fear of being alone, fear of trying to meet someone new ("the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know"), keeping the relationship together for the children, and so on (see my article: Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in An Unhappy Relationship?).

If a couple does nothing about their problems, even if they remain together, chances are good that the quality of the relationship will continue to deteriorate. 

At that point, there could be problems with infidelity, especially if they have a need to feel desirable and they feel undesirable or bored in their relationship (see my articles: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable and Married, Bored and Cheating Online).

Getting Help in Therapy Early

It's easier to resolve problems in a relationship early on when a couple is considering whether there there might be problems (Stage 2: The Contemplation Stage) as compared to the later stages.

Unfortunately, many couples wait too long to get help.  At that point, they decide to make a last ditch effort to save the relationship.  Although it's possible to salvage a relationship at any point if both people are committed to it, like anything else, once problems are entrenched, it's more difficult.  

If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).  

An experienced couples therapist can help you to either work through your problems or to end the relationship amicably while being your best selves.  So, rather than wait, seek help sooner rather than later.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.