EFT Couple Therapy: Working Together to Overcome the Negative Pattern in Your Relationship

Before getting help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, most couples say that they had little to no awareness of their negative pattern or the roles they took on during conflicts in their relationship.  Other couples say they recognize some of these problems, but they didn't know what to do about it.  To address these issues, an EFT trained couple therapist will work with a couple to help them recognize these dynamics and to work together to overcome these obstacles (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?, What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?).

EFT Couple Therapy: Working Together to Overcome the Negative Pattern in Your Relationship

In my prior article, I discussed the importance of empathy in changing a negative dynamic (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Empathy Helps to Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship).

Empathy allows you to step back from a confrontation to see the attachment-related issues that keep you and your partner stuck in a negative dynamic.

It also tends to soften both people's feelings towards each other so they can de-escalate their confrontation and consider how they can come together to overcome a negative pattern.  Rather than seeing each other as "the enemy," both people can refocus on the dynamic that they want to change.

Empathy also helps each person to recognize that, in most cases, each person is doing the best that they can with the emotional survival strategies that they learned at a young age.  And, with the help of their EFT couple therapist, they can get beyond their emotional reactivity (secondary emotions) to get to their more vulnerable emotions (primary emotions) once they both feel safe enough to do this.

Empathy allows each person to see his or her own intention as well as the intention of his or her partner.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:  Ray and Anna
Anna and Ray began attending EFT couple therapy because they were arguing a lot, their arguments weren't getting resolved, and resentment was building up between them.

Over time, their EFT couple therapist helped each of them to understand their pursuing/distancing roles and the negative dynamic between them.

When Ray understood that, as a pursuer, Anna's outbursts were the outer manifestation of her need to be closer to him and that underneath her anger she was feeling sad, emotionally abandoned, and fearful about the fate of their relationship, he was able to look beyond her emotional reactivity to her innermost emotions and needs.

When Anna understood that, when Ray got silent when she yelled, he was feeling overwhelmed and was trying to think of a way to calm her down, she realized that he wasn't ignoring her--as a distancer, he was became fearful and emotionally paralyzed in that moment.

Over time, both Ray and Anna came to understand that both of their emotional survival strategies--whether it was Anna's yelling, complaining and criticizing (pursuer traits) or Ray's emotional, cognitive and sometimes physical distancing (distancer traits), were strategies they learned during early childhood.  This alone helped them to feel compassion for each other.

Once they were emotionally de-escalated and feeling more empathy for one another in their EFT sessions, Ray and Anna were able to stop blaming each other and come together in EFT couple therapy to work on their negative dynamic.  This was the first time that they had this "working together" perspective, and they both felt motivated as well as challenged to do the work.

As they discussed their pursuing/distancing roles and their negative pattern of blaming/accusing and distancing, they worked with their couple therapist to come up with a plan to overcome these issues.

Anna suggested that she would be more aware of her desperation to reconnect with Ray when they had an argument.  She said that, instead of verbally attacking him, she would take a few moments to calm down so she could get beyond her anger to her more vulnerable feelings.  Then, she could communicate from her innermost emotions rather than from emotional reactivity.

Anna told Ray and the couple therapist that she was now aware that if she could do this, Ray would be much more receptive and open with her--rather than distancing himself from her.

Ray said he would let Anna know as soon as he began feeling emotionally overwhelmed in one of their arguments, like saying, "It's happening again.  I'm starting to feel overwhelmed" and this could be the signal for both of them to slow down, take time out or do whatever they needed to do to de-escalate emotionally before coming together again.

Ray said he was aware that if he let Anna know that he was feeling too vulnerable emotionally during an argument, she would probably respond in a compassionate way and he wouldn't feel the need to completely shut down emotionally.

Each of them agreed to these strategies for working together to overcome their negative dynamic, and they agreed to try it the next time that they had an argument.

When they returned for their next couple therapy session, Anna explained to their couple therapist that they had an argument a few days ago where they were able to use the strategies that they agreed upon.  She told the couple therapist that, when Ray forgot to take the cat to the vet, as he promised, it was challenging for her to stop herself from yelling and berating him.

She admitted that she started yelling and criticizing him because she felt so angry, but then she looked at Ray's face to see that he looked frightened and heard him say, "It's happening again," and she stopped.  Rather than continue to shout at him and criticize him, she told him that she needed a few minutes to calm herself so she could consider what was happening for her underneath her anger.

Once she was calm, she realized that she felt hurt (a primary emotion) that Ray didn't keep his word, and she was able to tell him, "When I feel this way, I feel like I don't matter to you."

Ray told the couple therapist that he was grateful that Anna was able to stop herself after he gave the signal because it allowed him to remain emotionally present rather than doing what he usually did, which was distancing himself.

He also said that when he heard Anna express her more vulnerable feelings, he felt so much love and tenderness for Anna that he reached out to her, hugged her and assured her that she meant the world to him.

This was the beginning of Ray and Anna working together to overcome their negative pattern.  As they continued to practice coming together at those times, they didn't always succeed.  There were times when one or both of them reverted back to their old pattern.  But, even then, they caught themselves and their arguments were much shorter than they were in the past, and they continued to work in EFT couple counseling.

Conclusion
Understanding the negative patterns and go-to roles, developing empathy for each other, learning to de-escalate conflicts, and coming together to overcome a negative dynamic is all part of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

Changing an ingrained dynamic and reliance on particular roles (like pursuer and distancer) can be challenging.  But most couples, who are motivated, would rather combat the negative dynamic than see each other as the enemy.

Like any new skill, it usually takes time to overcome ingrained habits.  This is why EFT couple therapists emphasize that making these changes are part of a process.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
If you and your partner are struggling in your relationship, you owe it to yourself to get help in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, a well-researched couple therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Learning to empathize, look beyond surface emotions, and coming together to overcome the negative dynamic are skills that an EFT couple therapist can help you and your partner to develop.

When you're able to come together, you no longer feel alone and you're both empowering each other to make positive changes in your relationship (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Cycle in a Relationship).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EFT Couple Therapy: Empathy Helps to Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship

Continuing with my series of articles about Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), I'm focusing on the importance of empathy to change negative patterns in relationships (see my articles:  What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?, What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling?).

EFT Couple Therapy: Empathy Helps to Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship

As I've mentioned in prior articles, most couples who are stuck in a negative pattern of relating are expressing themselves from secondary emotions, like anger, for instance, rather than their primary emotions of sadness and longing for connection with their partner (see my article: Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions in Improving Relationships).

Secondary emotions mask the more vulnerable primary emotions.  Couples are often unaware that they're communicating from secondary emotions because these secondary emotions can overtake them, especially in the heat of an argument.

Not only do secondary emotions mask the underlying, more vulnerable emotions, but they usually elicit a defensive or hostile reaction from the other partner.  All of this emotional reactivity serves to escalate an argument--so much so that the couple often begins to move away from the original conflict that they were arguing about to what has been said subsequently in anger or frustration.

When the pattern in the couple is to go negative immediately when there's a conflict, each person usually has his or her role that they play as either a pursuer or a distancer (see my articles:  How EFT Couple Therapy Helps Pursuers to Become Aware of Primary Emotions and How EFT Couple Therapy Helps Distancers to Become Aware of Primary Emotions).

Similar negative patterns, these roles are often entrenched and they are based on each person's early history and attachment style.  Although these emotional survival strategies were once adaptive in early life to keep a child from feeling overwhelmed, these same strategies are detrimental to the adult relationships.

When a couple seeks EFT couple therapy, they're often already entrenched in a negative pattern and fixed roles.  They might not know about negative patterns or roles, but they know that there are problems in their relationship and they don't know how to change them.

How Does Empathy Help to Change a Negative Pattern in a Relationship?
After a couple's emotional reactivity has been de-escalated during Stage One of EFT couple therapy, among other things, the EFT couple therapist helps each person in the relationship to develop self empathy as well as empathy for the partner.

For instance, if there's a couple where one person is in the role of the pursuer and he tends to blame and criticize his partner, and his partner is in the role of the distancer and she tends to move away emotionally, cognitively and physically, there is little room for empathy at that point because each person is dug into his or her positions of either pursuing or avoiding.

Add to this dynamic that one or both people might feel burnt out by all the arguing and negativity, especially if it has gone on for a long time, and there is even less incentive to put aside the negative dynamic and the roles to try to feel empathy.

The EFT couple therapist is trained to listen for the primary emotions that are underneath the more defensive emotions and she attempts to create a safe emotional environment for each person to be more vulnerable.  Then, after the couple is emotionally de-escalated enough, she attempts to help each person to become aware of what's going on underneath all the emotional reactivity.

If EFT therapist thinks that the couple is ready to explore the underlying primary emotions, she might respond by making a tentative statement to see if it resonates with the individual:

"Mary, you get angry when Bill gets home late from the office because the dinner you made is getting cold and spoiling.  What I think I also hear is that you feel sad [a primary emotion] because you want to spend time with Bill in the evening."

If Mary says, "Sad!?!  I don't feel sad!  I feel furious that he takes me for granted!," the therapist realizes that Mary isn't ready to explore her innermost emotions yet, so she will take a step back rather than trying to impose this on Mary.  She might wait until Mary seems more receptive or she might try a different way to get to the primary emotions.

For instance, she might try to elicit the early loving feelings that the couple had for one another at the beginning of their relationship in order to create greater openness in the present:

"Mary, can you tell me what first drew you to Bill when you first started dating?"

If Mary is willing to go there, she will think back to the early days of their relationship and she might say, "Well, I really thought he was very handsome, intelligent and I loved his sense of humor."

As the therapist reflects this back to Mary, she is also watching Bill to see his reaction to hearing how much Mary liked him when they first began dating.  Usually, this will elicit at least a smile or a nod from the other partner.

When the therapist asks Bill the same question, he smiles and says, "I liked Mary immediately.  I noticed her eyes first because they're so pretty, and I liked her smile.  What I liked most about Mary at first was her passion for the things she believes in.  I still like all those things about her.  I just wish she would smile at me now more often--the way she did back then."

After Bill says this, Mary and Bill make eye contact for the first time during the couple therapy session and give each other a tentative smile, so the EFT couple therapist can see that they are beginning to connect.

The therapist might say, "Bill, can you tell Mary more about what it's like for you when Mary smiles at you--like she did just now.  What are you feeling right now?"

Bill looks a little shy at first, which the therapist understands because she knows she's asking him to take somewhat of an emotional risk by opening up.  After his hesitation, he says, "When Mary smiles at me, like how she just did, it makes me feel happy.  It makes me feel like maybe she doesn't see me as a complete failure as a husband and maybe we have a chance."

When Mary hears Bill say this, she's surprised and there's a look of empathy on her face, "I don't think you're a failure as a husband.  I never thought that.  Not at all.  I just don't like to feel taken for granted."

Bill responds by smiling at Mary and taking her hand.

The EFT therapist, who has been seeing the beginning of empathy, might try again, "So, Mary, I know you're angry when Bill is late, but is it possible there are some other emotions underneath that anger?"

At that point, Mary, who has been gradually opening up to Bill's emotions, sighs, "Yeah, I guess I...I miss Bill all day long and I want to see him, so it makes me feel sad when he's late."

Bill squeezes Mary's hand when he hears this and tells her, "I know I don't tell you this, but I think about you many times during the day and I think about how nice it would be to come home to you and for us to have time to ourselves."

This is the beginning of both Mary and Bill opening up to their innermost primary emotions of sadness, love and longing.  This is what allows for a change in their dynamic.  Instead of focusing on their secondary emotions of anger, they can dig a little deeper and recognize their primary emotions.

Over time, if Mary and Bill continue in EFT couple therapy, they will probably develop a new way of  relating to one another as they're able to access their primary emotions and communicate to each other in a deeper way--rather than their more reactive way.

Conclusion
Being able to develop a sense of empathy for yourself as well as your partner can go a long way to helping you to change a negative dynamic in your relationship.

People in relationships tend to focus on their secondary emotions, like anger and frustration (to name just a couple of them) because focusing on those emotions allows them to defend against feeling their more vulnerable primary emotions.

The problems is that focusing on secondary emotions doesn't allow for the possibility of empathy, which can lead to change.

A skilled EFT couple therapist can help a motivated couple to access their primary emotions so they can feel empathy, which allows them to get to primary emotions.  By accessing and communicating from the experience of primary emotions, a couple can make positive changes in their relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
The dynamic that is presented in the fictional vignette above is common.  It's the kind of negative dynamic that many couples get stuck in and don't know how to get out of on their own.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples provides couples with the necessary tools to improve their relationship.

If you and your partner feel stuck in your relationship, you can get help by seeking assistance from an EFT couple therapist.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps You to Express Your Emotional Vulnerability to Your Partner

My focus during the last few weeks has been Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, an effective, well-researched therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?, What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?).

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps You to Express Your Emotional Vulnerability to Your Partner

The focus of this article is a more in-depth look at emotional vulnerability and why it's often so hard to express these deeper emotions, which are underneath protective/secondary emotions, to a spouse or romantic partner.  This article also illustrates how EFT couple therapy can help couples to express their emotional vulnerability to each other.

Many couples experience difficulty with expressing vulnerability to each other, especially if there is a longstanding negative pattern that hasn't been addressed.  Negative patterns can take on a life of their own and get in the way of improving the relationship.

Before a couple can change their negative pattern, they first need to be able to identify it as well as the roles that they take on when they're not getting along.  In the heat of an argument, it can be very difficult for the couple to see their pattern and the roles each person plays.

As mentioned in a prior article, the first stage of EFT couple therapy includes the couple therapist's assessment of the particular pattern a couple engages in when they're arguing and what role each of them plays (see my article: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Pursuers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions and How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Distancers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship).

In a tactful and non-judgmental way, an EFT couple therapist can, for instance, listen to each person's account of a recent argument and begin to notice certain patterns and roles that the couple is usually unaware of before coming to couple therapy (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles).

Fictional Clinical Example: Jane and Peter
For instance, Jane and Peter's pattern is that Jane blames and criticizes Peter when he forgets to do a particular chore that he agreed to do.

Peter's pattern is that he begins by getting defensive and minimizing Jane's upset ("You're getting upset about nothing"), which further infuriates Jane so that she raises her voice and becomes increasingly more critical.

In response, Peter continues to dismiss Jane's concerns, which escalates the argument.  Then, Peter responds by leaving the house for hours to avoid his Jane's anger.

When Peter returns, neither of them discuss what happened.  They remain aloof for the rest of the evening, and they begin talking, as necessary, the next day.

Eventually, they appear to be okay but, over time, unaddressed resentment is building up and eroding the relationship.  Even though they're each concerned about it, neither of them knows how to talk about it, so their concerns go unexpressed.  This is their negative pattern, and they're stuck in it.

With regard to their roles, Jane tends to be the one who wants to talk about their problems (the role of the pursuer) and Peter tends to want to distance himself from the strong emotions related to their struggles.

When Jane can't get Peter to talk, she gets anxious because, deep down, she feels emotionally abandoned.  Then, she gets louder and more critical.  And when Jane gets louder and more critical in response to Peter's avoidance, Peter becomes emotionally overwhelmed and needs to distance himself--either emotionally, cognitively and/or physically.  He doesn't tell Jane but, deep down, he feels like a "failure" in Jane's eyes and his fear is that if they continue to argue like this, Jane will leave him.

Neither of them is to blame for their pattern and the roles that they take on.  Each of them has a particular attachment style from which their emotional survival strategies developed from and which continue to use in their relationship--whether they're aware of it or not (see my article: How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Can Save Your Relationship).

Rather than placing the blame on each other, this couple would benefit much more from looking at their roles and patterns in their relationship dynamic and asking themselves how they can change it.

It's the negative pattern and the entrenched roles that are the problems--not the individuals in the relationship.

As Jane and Peter's EFT couple therapist listens to how they interact during an argument, she knows that, underneath Jane's exterior of anger Peter's exterior of emotional aloofness, they're both hurting, but they don't know how to tell each other this.

So the couple therapist will help Peter and Jane, first, to de-escalate their reactivity to try to develop a safer emotional environment for each person to take a risk to explore what's underneath their emotional reactivity/secondary emotions.

But this can be very hard work for individuals who are accustomed to protecting themselves emotionally by using their particular coping strategy.  It would mean taking an emotional risk to be vulnerable and trusting that the partner will be open, compassionate, non-judgmental and nonreactive.

Back to Jane and Peter:  The EFT couple therapist is aware that, even though Jane yells and she blames and criticizes Peter, these are her secondary emotions that mask her innermost/primary emotions.

On a deeper/primary emotion level, Jane wants very much to reconnect emotionally with Peter.  The therapist knows that Jane is using the only coping strategy she knows (anger, blaming, criticizing), based on her childhood history, to try to get through to Peter.  In addition, the therapist is aware that when Jane gets highly anxious that Peter is distancing himself from her, she gets so terrified of being abandoned that she lashes out desperately to get a response from him.

So, the couple therapist talks to Jane (knowing that Peter is listening right next to Jane) about how very difficult it is for Jane when Peter seems to shutdown emotionally.  Jane, who is still angry, agrees that it is "frustrating" (a secondary emotion) when she tries to talk to Peter and he shuts her out.  At that point, she is still blaming him, but she has softened a bit.

Then, the couple therapist says, "Yes, it's so hard for you when you feel Peter isn't listening to you anymore and you want so much to connect with him that you raise your voice to get his attention."

As the therapist says this, she is looking at both Jane and Peter to assess their responses.  Until now, Peter has been sitting slumped in his chair and looking down at the floor as if he is waiting to be criticized by Jane.  But when he hears the therapist say that Jane is raising her voice as a way to connect with him, he looks up at Jane momentarily before he looks back down again.  So, the therapist is aware that Peter has taken in this information about Jane wanting to connect with him.

Jane hesitates before she responds.  She starts out in a softer tone, but then she glares at Peter and reverts somewhat to her former stance of criticism and blaming, "I do want to connect with Peter--more than anything.  But it's so hard to do when he stonewalls me!  If only he would stop shutting down, we might have a chance of saving our relationship!" (blaming and criticizing).

Picking up on Jane's innermost/primary emotions that she has just revealed (before she went back to blaming and criticizing), the EFT couple therapist responds to Jane (keeping in mind that Peter is listening too), "You care so much about Peter that you want more than anything to get through to him in order to save your relationship.  And when you feel you can't get through to him, you get anxious, just like you did when you were a child, and get louder, hoping that if you get louder, maybe you'll get through."

When Jane hears the therapist mention her childhood experiences, she begins to cry.  Until then, she had not made the connection between how she desperate she felt as a child trying to get her alcoholic mother's attention and how desperate she feels with Peter when she thinks she isn't getting through to him.

Before this, Jane would berate herself after each argument with Peter for yelling, blaming and criticizing him.

But after the therapist helped Jane to make the connection to a traumatic childhood, Jane understood why she felt so emotionally overwhelmed with Peter at times.  She could picture herself as a young child standing over her mother, who was passed out on the couch, trying to rouse her mother--calling her name and, finally, yelling at the top of her lungs to get her mother's attention--to no avail.  As painful as it was for Jane to go back to those memories, now it made sense to her why she got so emotional with Peter.

"Even though the circumstances are different, "Jane says to the therapist in a soft voice, "it feels the same.  I was so scared of being alone when my mother blacked out and, even though I'm an adult now, I become so afraid when Peter shuts down and I feel alone."

The EFT therapist listens empathically as Jane responds.  She also notices that Peter is now sitting up and he is looking compassionately at Jane.  It's obvious that he is moved by what she just said and he appears to be more receptive to her.

The therapist turns to Jane, "I can see how sad all of this makes you feel [addressing the primary emotion of sadness rather than secondary emotions of anger and frustration], "Can you look at Peter and tell him this is how you feel?"

Jane looks at Peter for a moment and seems like she is about to speak, but then she turns away, "I can't do it.  I tried in the past, and it never works.  I don't feel safe enough to be so open with him."

When Peter hears this, he looks deflated and slumps in his seat again.

The EFT therapist understands that, at this point, Jane isn't ready to make herself so emotionally vulnerable with Peter, but their emotional reactivity has been reduced (if not completely de-escalated), so she responds by saying to Jane (and also intending for Peter to hear and understand), "It's so hard to open up and take an emotional risk when you're afraid that you won't be heard again."

Jane is moved by the therapist's empathy.  She feels understood, but she's still not ready to express the emotional vulnerability underneath her secondary/protective emotions.

During the next few weeks, in an effort to help the couple to de-escalate, the EFT couple therapist continues to empathize with Jane's fears.  At the same time, each time she addresses those fears, she continues to affirm how much Jane cares about Peter, which makes it hard for her to take a risk.

Jane is able to acknowledge that it's difficult for her to risk getting hurt, and Peter is moved to hear this.  So, even though Jane is unable to talk to Peter about it directly, the EFT therapist, as a facilitator, helps both Jane and Peter to understand what's going on so they can begin to soften with each other.

It will take many more attempts by the EFT therapist, who remains attuned and empathic, to help Jane to express her innermost emotions to Peter.  Each time, Jane gets a little closer, the EFT therapist helps to expand the interaction by addressing the primary/innermost emotions that Jane is having difficulty relaying to Peter.

Then, during one session Jane takes a tentative step to tell Peter how she feels.  She is so afraid to open up that, at first, she stammers and begins to cry.  In response, the EFT therapist remains attuned to Jane and reflects back to her how difficult this is for her.

When Jane begins again, she looks at Peter, looks away and then looks back at him, "When we argue and you shutdown, I get so scared that I'm losing you.  I feel like the young child that I was when my mother was passed out on the couch.  I know I'm not a young child anymore and you're not my mother, but it feels so much like that time.  When I think you don't hear me, I raise my voice to try to get through to you, and I know now that raising my voice just makes you want to move away from me.  But I don't know what else to do.  I don't want to lose you, and it feels like I'm losing you when you distance yourself from me."

Peter reaches out to hold Jane's hand, "I'm sorry that I caused you pain.  I never meant to hurt you.  Even though I distance myself, I still love you and I want things to work out between us.  When I distance myself, it's because I feel so overwhelmed.  I feel like you see me as a failure as a husband, and I feel so ashamed and sad" (expressing primary emotions).

During this interaction, with the EFT therapist's help, Jane has de-escalated enough so that she can access her innermost/primary emotions and communicate to Peter from that place.  Even though she is still afraid to express her emotional vulnerability, Jane is willing to take that risk because she knows that if she doesn't, things between her and Peter might not change.

All the work that led up to Jane taking the emotional risk, including the therapist's attunement, empathy and reflecting back what Jane was feeling to both Jane and Peter, helped to develop the foundation for Jane to take the risk.

Speaking from that vulnerable place, Jane is able to convey to Peter how much she cares for him and that her outer appearance of anger, frustration, blaming and criticizing masks her deeper feelings of love, vulnerability and fear of abandonment.

Peter was so moved by Jane's vulnerability that he opened up too and expressed his fears/primary emotions.  Rather than distancing himself, he opened up when he realized that Jane was hurting, she loved him, and she wanted their relationship to survive.

During the next few sessions, Jane and Peter were able to relate their individual dynamics to their attachment history in early childhood.  This also helped to de-escalate emotional reactivity between them as each of them were able to picture the other as a small child trying to get his or her emotional needs met, which engendered empathy and compassion.

Conclusion
For the sake of brevity, the fictional clinical vignette above is relatively straightforward.  How a couple gets to the point of expressing emotional vulnerability will be different for each couple.

The couple might take two steps forward and one step back in their effort to reconnect with each other emotionally so that they can express their innermost emotions.  This is especially true if the problems have been longstanding and if there is a childhood history of being emotionally neglected or abused that is getting triggered.

The EFT couple therapist is trained to be empathically attuned to each individual in the couple to help each one to express the underlying vulnerable emotions (see my article: The Therapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative).

Even though she might be speaking to one of the individuals in the couple, the therapist is also aware  that the other partner is listening and tries to deepen the work in a way that feels safe for each person.

Underlying attachment issues are addressed as a way for each person to appreciate the complexity of their interactions and that it "makes sense" that they are interacting the way that they are, even though they want to change it.

Understanding the attachment issues that might be getting triggered helps each person to feel self compassion as well as feeling compassion and empathy for his or her partner.  This opens up the possibility for positive change.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
As previously mentioned, EFT is one of the most effective forms of couple therapy as evidenced in research.

A trained EFT couple therapist knows that one of the most difficult things for a couple to do is express vulnerability when there has been a lot of contention in the relationship.  This is why de-escalation of emotional reactivity is so important during Stage One of EFT couple therapy.

Empathy is one of the hallmarks of EFT couple therapy, and the couple therapist uses empathy to attune and reflect to each person in the relationship.

Rather than blaming each other, the EFT couple therapist helps the couple to focus on their innermost/primary emotions and how they can change the negative dynamic and the roles they play.  Working together, rather than against each other, is one of the keys to improving the relationship.

If you and your partner have been struggling in your relationship, rather than continuing to struggle on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT-trained couple therapist to save your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.





















Unfortunately, many couples, who love each other, never seek help.  They continue to struggle with their negative pattern and ingrained roles on their own.  After a while, as a way to stop the arguing and struggling, some couples will begin to "walking on eggshells" to avoid getting into conflicts.  Although they might not be arguing anymore, they have also become emotionally disconnected from each other and the relationship isn't satisfying to either of them.

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Distancers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship

I discussed "pursuers" in my last article and how Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) helps them to go beyond their secondary emotions (anger, frustration, blaming,  criticizing) so they can communicate from their innermost, primary emotions to improve their relationship.  In this article I'm focusing on the other side of the relationship, "distancers" (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: Becoming Aware of Your Primary Emotions to Communicate Your Emotional Needs to Your Spouse or Partner).

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps Distancers to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship

The Difference Between Pursuers and Distancers
Pursuers usually want very much to connect with their spouses or partners.  As mentioned in my last article, the problem is that pursuers often achieve the opposite of what they desire because of their emotional reactivity stemming, which often makes distancers uncomfortable enough to withdraw emotionally, cognitively and sometimes physically.

Like pursuers, distancers also tend to come from a place of good intentions in their relationship.  They often distance themselves as a way preserve the relationship by withdrawing in an effort to reduce emotional reactivity. However, like pursuers, this strategy also often achieves the opposite of what they desire because the pursuer will become even more emotionally reactive when sensing withdrawal from the partner/distancer.

The problem is that when distancers withdraw, pursuers become even increasingly fearful of losing their emotional connection to their partner, so they pursue more intensely--sometimes desperately--in order reduce feelings of abandonment.  This, in turn, usually leads distancers to take even more distance until they are both in a negative cycle of pursuing and distancing that usually goes unresolved unless they get help in couple therapy.

Just to reiterate:  It's important to understand that, for the most part, both pursuers and distancers, in their own way, are trying to preserve their relationship.  They're not trying to create problems.  But, unfortunately, they're using longstanding maladaptive coping strategies, which might be the only strategies they know.

Signs of a Distancers' Withdrawal
People who tend to be distancers often display the following emotional and cognitive withdrawal tendencies:

• A reliance on mostly logic.  As a result, they often miss emotional cues from their partner
• A reliance on strict objectivity rather than emotion
• A focus on "the facts"
• A distrust or discomfort with emotions

Not all distancers display all of the tendencies above, but these tend to be the main signs.

The point is that distancers tend to move away from emotional reactivity, and emotional reactivity is usually the hallmark of pursuers.

There are often negative consequences for emotional distancing.  Not only does it exacerbate the problem in the relationship, but it also can have personal adverse consequences for the distancer both physically and psychologically (see my article: How Suppressing Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems).

Looks are deceiving:  From an outside perspective, it can appear that there's not a lot going on for distancers, which can infuriate pursuers who want to elicit a reaction.  From the outside, it might look like they're relatively calm and quiet or that they're disinterested. But inside there are all kinds of physical and emotional reactions roiling, especially as it takes more and more energy to suppress emotions and remain withdrawn.

Behind what appears to be a calm or disinterested exterior, distancers often fear they are a failure in their relationship.  If they could somehow remain present enough to communicate what's going on for them on a primary emotional level, they might tell their spouse or partner that they want to get closer to them, but they fear the pursuer's emotional reactivity as well as the possible loss of the relationship.

Some distancers go as far as denying to themselves and others that they have negative emotional reactions (e.g., "I never get angry").

Just like pursuers, distancers' coping strategies often begin early in life.   Many of them were raised in a home environment where their primary emotions might have been dismissed or disregarded ("Don't be so sensitive" or "You're making too big a deal out this" or "You better toughen up" or "Be a man").

This disregard for their emotional experience early in life leads them to suppress their innermost experience (primary emotions) and focus on more superficial emotions (secondary emotions) which don't leave them feeling so vulnerable.

As a brief reminder from prior articles:  Primary emotions are the immediate, visceral, innermost emotions, that are experienced first before people.  They're experienced before secondary emotions, which are used unconsciously to mask the primary emotions.  Primary emotions come at least two and a half times faster than thoughts so they happen very fast.

Secondary emotions, which are defensive strategies, don't come as fast as primary emotions, but they come fast enough that people who use them are unaware they're using them defensively.  They're just trying to protect themselves from being emotionally vulnerable.  It's important for each partner to remember this so s/he can understand and feel compassion (see the following article for a more detailed discussion of the difference between primary and secondary emotions: EFT For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions to Improve Your Relationship).

When two people in a relationship have had this kind of negative dynamic going on for a while, they each come to anticipate the other's reaction before it even occurs.  As a result, each of them can become entrenched in his or her own maladaptive coping strategy before an argument even begins (similar to the couple in the fictional vignette from my prior article).

Let's continue with the same fictional clinical vignette from my last article to see things from the distancer's perspective:

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps a Distancer to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve the Relationship:

Ann and Ed
After their EFT couple therapist helped Ann and Ed to reduce the emotional reactivity in their interactions as part of Stage One of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, especially with regard to Ann's anger, frustration, blaming and criticism, Ann and Ed felt safer to open up a little more with each other.

Ann was able to convey to Ed that, even though she came across as angry and critical, all she really wanted was to get closer to Ed.  She explained how desperate she felt when she saw Ed withdrawing from her emotionally and physically.  She felt abandoned by him.

With the help of the EFT couple therapist, Ann was also able to make a connection between how she felt in her relationship with Ed and how she felt as a child when she was emotionally abandoned by her parents.

This helped both Ann and Ed to understand why Ann became so frantic when she felt Ed moving away from her.  Not only was she dealing with the current situation between them--she was also getting emotionally triggered by her childhood history.  As a result, when Ed heard this, he felt more compassionate for Ann, and Ann felt more self compassion.

As Ed began to grapple with his tendency to be a distancer, he also remembered his childhood history.  He said that his parents were, generally, loving and caring parents.  But both parents, who were well meaning, had a discomfort with strong negative emotions so that whenever Ed, as a young child, cried or expressed sadness or other strong negative emotions, they would either dismiss his emotions, try to talk him out of these emotions or cheer him up rather than remaining emotionally attuned to him.

He had many childhood memories where one or both parents were dismissive of his emotions.  On one occasion, when his pet hamster died when Ed was five, his mother tried to cheer him up rather than soothe him over the loss, "Looking back on it now, I know my mother loved me, but she was so uncomfortable with negative emotions that she just couldn't tolerate seeing me sad, so she tried to cheer me up rather than just be with me in my sadness.  The message I got was that it wasn't okay to be sad."  He also remembered his father, who was a kind man in other respects, telling him to "Be a man and stop crying" even though Ed was a young child.

The EFT couple therapist told Ed that this was a common experience that many men (and women too) experienced in their families with parents who would, otherwise, be considered "good parents."  She explained that his parents probably had similar experiences in their families when they were children, so they never learned how to tolerate negative emotions--their own or other people's.

Ed began to understand the origin of his distancing strategies.  He realized that, by the time he became an adult, these strategies were already entrenched because the message he got as a young child was that his negative emotions were "bad."  As a result, he learned to stuff his emotions to protect himself and his loved ones.

As Ann listened to Ed talk about his childhood experiences, she felt a surge of empathy for Ed, "I had no idea that this went back to childhood.  Now I understand what happens to you, Ed, when we argue."  Then, Ann reached out and took Ed's hand.

"When we argue," Ed told Ann, "especially when I feel like I've screwed up, like when I forgot to make the appointment with the pediatrician for our son, I worry that I'm a poor husband and father and you might be getting so fed up with me that you're going to leave me."

Ann reassured Ed that, even though she got very angry with him at times, she never considered ending their marriage.  She was surprised that Ed felt so badly and that he thought she was contemplating ending their marriage.  She also assured him that she felt he was a great husband and father.

Over time, as Ed and Ann continued to attend EFT couple therapy, they worked on becoming aware of their primary emotions and communicating to each other from their more vulnerable emotions.  Their progress was often two steps forward and one step back, but they knew they were making progress (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Instead of coming at Ed in an angry, critical manner, which were her secondary emotions, Alice learned to communicate from her primary emotions, like sadness.  And as difficult as it was for him, Ed tried to remain emotionally and cognitive present with Ann rather than withdrawing from her.

They still had arguments, just like any other couple, but they weren't as volatile as their prior arguments.  They also recovered much more quickly because they were able to recover by accessing and communicating from their primary emotions rather than their reactive secondary emotions, and they reached towards each other during difficult times rather than remaining entrenched in their former negative dynamic.

Conclusion
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.  EFT is one of the most well researched and most effective forms of couple therapy.

A major component of EFT is helping couples to overcome their negative dynamics by assisting them to interact from primary emotions rather than their defensive secondary emotions.

Another important component is assisting couples to understand their attachment styles (see my article: How Understanding Your Primary Emotions and Attachment Style Could Save Your Relationship).

There is also an emphasis in EFT that there are "no bad guys" in the relationship--there is only a negative dynamic that needs to change to improve the relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
Couples, who really love each other, often get stuck in a negative dynamic and don't know how to get out of it.

Taking that first step of asking for help in couple therapy can be the most important step you take to salvage your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps "Pursuers" to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship

In my recent articles, I've been focusing on why Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples places so much importance on primary emotions and how communicating based on primary emotions can improve a relationship.

EFT Couple Therapy 

I'm focusing on pursuers in this article.  In my next article, I'll focus on "distancers."

What Are the Typical Dynamics For People Who Are Pursuers in Relationships?
With the understanding that each individual is unique, there are some typical dynamics that many people, who are pursuers, exhibit.

Just like individuals who are "distancers"in relationships, pursuers tend to communicate based on their secondary emotions rather than communicating from primary emotions (for more details on the difference between primary and secondary emotions, click on the following link for a prior article).

If they were to communicate from their primary emotions, they might tell their romantic partners things like, for example, they fear abandonment and emotional distance in the relationship.  For many people who are pursuers, emotional distance makes them feel very insecure and desperate to reconnect.

Unfortunately, when pursuers go through conflict with their romantic partners, they often come across as angry and frustrated, which are secondary emotions.

Their emotional reactivity often gets the best of them so that, rather than being able to access their primary emotions, they come across as argumentative, critical and overly demanding of their partner--all of which are secondary emotions.

If a pursuer is in a relationship with a distancer and s/he becomes angry and critical during a conflict, the distancer usually withdraws.  From there, the cycle goes round and round with misunderstandings on both sides.  Each person's reactivity/secondary emotions exacerbate the other's, and it can become an endless cycle that ruins a relationship.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, the EFT therapist helps the pursuer to de-escalate emotional reactivity so that the distancer will feel safe enough to re-engage emotionally.

Once the couple is sufficiently de-escalated, the EFT couple therapist can help each person to access their primary emotions.

She will also help each person to understand how his or her family history or prior relationships might be triggering the current dynamic in their relationship.  Then, she helps each person to separate out their prior experiences from their current relationship (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences of the Past and Working Through Psychological Trauma: Learning to Separate the Past From the Present).

This might start out with a basic understanding that everyone is affected by their history of family relationships and prior relationships--whether these relationships were primarily positive, negative or mixed.

Usually, couples unknowingly bring these former experiences into their current relationship. So, just knowing this information can help each person to understand what happens when they get into a conflict with their partner.  Gradually, with help from the couple therapist, each person can learn to deal with emotional triggers as they occur.

Over time, with help, a couple can develop an awareness of primary emotions and communicate to their partner from these more vulnerable emotions. This usually goes a long way to improve the dynamic in a relationship.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: How EFT Couple Therapy Helps a Pursuer to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve the Relationship
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how EFT couple therapy can help someone who tends to be a pursuer to be aware of primary emotions and communicate based on primary emotions to make changes in the relationship:

Ann and Ed
After five years of marriage, Ann and Ed were deeply unhappy in their relationship.  Although they were happy and in love when they were dating and in the early years of their marriage, they both felt that their happiness had been eroded by unresolved conflict and accumulated resentment.

By the time they had their second child, they were under tremendous emotional and financial stress, especially after Ann lost her job and they were trying to manage on Ed's salary.  That's when their arguments became the most contentious and damaging to their relationship.

At the recommendation of Ann's individual therapist, Ann spoke to Ed about attending couple therapy and, when he agreed, she set up an appointment with the EFT couple therapist that her therapist recommended to her.

Over the course of their early EFT therapy sessions, both Ann and Ed described their contentious relationship.  Although they had different perspectives about their problems, they both agreed that they were committed to salvaging their relationship.

From Ann's perspective, Ed tended to shutdown emotionally (also known as stonewalling) when they had a conflict.  She told the EFT therapist that she felt herself become very angry and frustrated that she couldn't get through to him, and this made her even more persistent about getting him to talk, which only made Ed withdraw more.

Ann described how Ed would ignore her whenever she tried to talk to him about what was bothering her, "I feel so alone in this relationship.  When I try to talk to Ed, it's like I'm talking to a wall!"

The EFT couple therapist noticed that Ed was looking away and shifting around in his seat as Ann spoke.  It was clear that he was so uncomfortable that, for all intents and purposes, he was emotionally disengaged and probably wanting to leave.

The therapist knew that if she was going to get Ed to re-engage emotionally, she would have to help Ann to de-escalate and move from her secondary emotions of anger and frustration to her primary emotions of hurt and fear of being abandoned.

As a start, the couple therapist provided psychoeducation to Ann and Ed about the difference between primary and secondary emotions and why EFT emphasizes primary emotions.

Then, she asked Ed to describe a typical argument that he and Ann had in the last several months.  Although he still appeared emotionally disengaged, Ed spoke about a recent argument they had about a big outstanding credit card bill.

According to Ed, he recently took over paying the bills because when Ann was in charge of paying the bills, she tended to procrastinate and they would incur finance charges, "When I saw that Ann hadn't paid the credit card bill and that there were overdue charges, I told her that we couldn't go on incurring these charges, especially because we're trying to live on one salary since Ann lost her job.  It seemed logical to me, since I'm better at paying the bills, that I take over this responsibility.  But when I told Ann that I should pay the bills from now on, she hit the roof and started yelling at me.  She thought I was being critical of her and accusing her of being irresponsible.  But I never said that.  I just don't want to pay finance charges.  Whenever she gets this angry and begins yelling at me, I just shutdown because I don't want to get into a big argument with her.  That's not going to fix anything."

The EFT therapist noticed that as Ann listened to Ed, she seemed to be fuming.  When it was her turn to talk, Ann responded, "It sure felt like he was criticizing me!  It was like he was saying that not only am I not contributing to the household since I lost my job, but I'm a miserable failure when it comes to paying our bills.  It made me angry and I wanted to talk to him about it, but he did what he always does--he walked away, which makes me even more angry.  Then, no matter how much I try to get through to him, he won't answer me.  He won't even look at me.  That only makes me even more angry and I try harder and harder to get him to talk, but he just withdraws from me even more.  I feel like I have no choice but to keep trying to get him to talk, but nothing I do works."

As they continued to attend EFT couple therapy, Ann and Ed developed an understanding that Ann was a pursuer and Ed was distancer in their relationship.

As Ann talked in couple therapy about her family history.  Over time, she became aware of how her arguments with Ed triggered her traumatic experiences in her family of origin.

She explained to the EFT couple therapist that she was an only child and she was primarily raised by her mother.  Her father was in and out (mostly out) of the household.  Ann said that when her father disappeared for months at a time, she would miss him so much that she would cry herself to sleep at night thinking about him.  Her mother tended to enter into emotionally abusive relationships with men during the long periods when Ann's father was away.  Her mother would provide for Ann's basic needs, but she was emotionally distant with Ann.  This resulted in Ann feeling lonely, insecure, and emotionally abandoned most of the time.

In terms of attachment styles, Ann developed an anxious/insecure attachment style that carried over into all her marriage to Ed (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

More than anything, when she and Ed got into an argument, Ann wanted reassurance that Ed still loved her and he wasn't going to leave her.  These were her primary emotions.

But instead of communicating her need for connection, Ann communicated based on her secondary emotions of anger and frustration, and Ed responded by withdrawing from her emotionally.  This, in turn, made Ann even more anxious and she tried even harder to get Ed to talk to her, which never worked.  This was their negative cycle.

As mentioned in my prior article, de-escalation is one of the primary goals during Stage One of EFT, so the EFT therapist worked with Ann to help her to de-escalate so she could be less reactive.

Ann began to sense her primary emotions of fear and sadness, which were underneath her emotional reactivity/secondary emotions, and she realized that they were connected to her family history.

Although it was difficult for her to be so emotionally vulnerable, Ann learned to communicate her innermost fear and sadness to Ed in their couple therapy. When this occurred for the first time, it was a major breakthrough for Ann and Ed.

After Ann allowed herself to be more vulnerable with Ed, he opened up and held her hand, "I didn't know that this is what goes on for you when we argue.  I just saw you getting angry, frustrated and critical.  Now I understand that deep down you're really scared and sad--just like you were when you were a child.  I'm sorry that I withdraw from you.  I'll try to remember that the younger part of you that is frightened and sad."

This was the first time that Ed moved closer to Ann emotionally and physically since they started couple therapy, and Ann said she felt loved and comforted by Ed's compassionate gesture.

Although they still had arguments, they were arguing less and their arguments were shorter. At that point in couple therapy, Ann continued to get triggered by her early childhood experiences, but they both had a better understanding of what was going on between them.

How EFT Couple Therapy Helps Pursuers to Become Aware of Primary Emotions to Improve Their Relationship

As time went on, Ann recognized her emotional triggers and recovered quicker without criticizing and blaming Ed, and Ed was better at staying emotionally present when they had arguments.  They each knew that they still had work to do in couple therapy, but now that they were more aware of their innermost/primary emotions, their relationship had begun to improve.

More about Ed's progress in couple therapy in the next article when I discuss people in relationships who tend to be distancers.

Conclusion
In most cases, when pursuers reveal their family history, it makes sense why they react the way they do when there is conflict in their relationship.  Old feelings of sadness, fear and, possibly abandonment, get triggered in the current relationship, and they have no way of knowing that their history is getting triggered. They assume that what they're feeling is only related to their current relationship.

People who are distancers are also affected by their early relationships (more about this in my next article).

In some cases, it might not be the family of origin history that gets triggered.  Experiences from prior relationships, especially relationships where there was abusive, might also get triggered in current relationships--even current relationships where there is no abuse.  Any feelings of insecurity can trigger the old negative feelings.

Just being able to make sense of their emotional reactivity is often reassuring to people because they realize that there are coherent reasons for their reactivity and that their reactions aren't coming from "nowhere."

Being able to separate the past from the present is often a significant part of EFT couple therapy so that each person begins to understand and, eventually overcome, the emotional triggers that complicate their current relationship.

As I have mentioned in prior articles, being able to communicate from the experience of primary emotions, which are visceral, vulnerable emotions, is a challenge for most people.  This is a skill that an EFT couple therapist can help each individual to develop.

If, eventually, there is a sense of emotional safety between the individuals in the relationship and in the therapy sessions, people are more likely to take the emotional risk of accessing their primary emotions and communicating these emotions to their partner.  This is an important part of making positive changes in a relationship and a core part of EFT couple therapy.

In the fictional vignette above, the woman is the pursuer and the man is the distancer.  But this is just one example of this dynamic--men can be pursuers and women can be distancers.  

And, of course, in same sex relationships either person can be a pursuer or distancer.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

With regard to participating in therapy, fear and misconceptions often keep people out of therapy, especially couple therapy.

Couples are often afraid of what will be revealed about them in couple therapy and that couple therapy might make their situation worse.  However, as illustrated in the vignette above, which is representative of what often happens in EFT couple therapy, there is much to be gained from EFT therapy.

Heterosexual men are often reluctant to come to couple therapy, especially if the therapist is a woman, because they fear that they will be blamed and "ganged up on" by their partner and by the woman therapist.  But a couple therapist trained in EFT focuses on the dynamic between both people in the relationship.

Rather than blaming an individual in the relationship, an EFT therapist emphasizes to the couple that "there are no bad guys" in the relationship.  Rather, it's the negative dynamic between them that needs to change.  She helps the couple to focus on changing the dynamic rather than criticizing or blaming each other.

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative dynamic that's ruining your relationship, you owe it to yourselves to get help in EFT couple therapy, one of the most well-researched and successful forms of couple therapy.

By changing the negative dynamic in your relationship, you can have a happier and healthier relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist in NYC who has been practicing psychotherapy with individuals and couples for over 20 years.  

I am also a hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my prior articles:

• What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?
• What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy?
• What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?
• Why Does EFT For Couples Focus on Emotions?
• EFT For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions to Improve Your Relationship
• EFT Couple Therapy: Being Aware of Primary Emotions to Communicate Your Emotional Needs in Your Relationship

Understanding Your Primary Emotions Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship

In my prior article, Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Focus on Emotions? I began discussing why EFT places so much emphasis on emotions to help couples to make changes and improve their relationship.  

In this article, I'm focusing more in depth on primary emotions.

See my articles: 

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

What Happens During Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy?

What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?

Primary Emotions and Your Relationship

What Are Primary Emotions?
As I discussed in my prior article, primary emotions are your first emotional reaction to an experience, and these emotions happen very quickly--so quickly, at times, that you might not notice them, especially if they are emotions that you're not comfortable with, like sadness or fear.

Primary emotions include:

• joy/happiness
• sadness
• hurt
• surprise
• excitement
• disgust
• shame
• anger (although not always)
• fear

Primary emotions are biologically based and instinctual so they are hard wired into human beings.

From an evolutionary standpoint this makes sense.  

For instance, centuries ago when people lived in caves, they needed an emotional response to danger that was quick and efficient.  

If a caveman or cavewoman walked into the wrong cave--the cave where the lion lived--instead of the family cave, having an emotional response, in this case fear, that propels you to run before you even have time to think about it, is immediate and could make the difference between life and death.

Although we no longer live in caves and we don't need to run from bears or tigers, primary emotions still contain important information for you as an individual and for your partner (more about this below).

Anger, as noted above in the list of primary emotions, isn't always a primary emotion. 

Sometimes, anger is a secondary emotion.  

For instance, when someone experiences anger because she is being abused or manipulated, this is usually a primary emotion.  

However, if someone uses anger to mask deeper feelings (primary emotions) of hurt or sadness, then anger is a secondary emotion (more about what secondary emotions are below).

Primary emotions involve you at your most emotionally vulnerable, especially when you attempt to share your deepest emotions with your partner.

Being able to say, "I'm afraid you might leave me because I keep disappointing you" is a lot different than saying in anger (as a secondary emotion), "You make me so angry when you complain about how I disappoint you, and I know you're probably going to bail on our relationship!"

In the first example, the person is showing an emotional vulnerability, which is more likely to elicit a compassionate response than in the second example where the statement is said in an angry tone and which is blaming and critical.  The partner is more likely to become defensive after hearing the second statement.

As you can see from the list of primary emotions above, these emotions include both positive emotions (like joy) and so-called "negative emotions" (like disgust).  The "negative emotions" are not called "negative" because they're "bad."  They're called "negative" in contrast to the positive emotions.

All emotions, whether they are labeled as "positive" or "negative," are normal and they provide you with important information about what you're feeling, how you might be impacting your spouse or partner, and what might be going on in your relationship (more about this below).

Secondary emotions, which I will discuss in a future article, are emotions that are a reaction to primary emotions, so they come later.  These emotions often mask the primary emotions that you feel uncomfortable with.

What Role Do Primary Emotions Play in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?
An EFT couples therapist understands the importance of primary emotions and helps each individual in the relationship to become aware of these emotions to help the couple overcome a negative dynamic in their relationship and to make positive changes.

Becoming aware of primary emotions is important because they:

• Let you know how you are feeling in the moment

• Provide you with information about what you need to do to take care of yourself, your partner and your relationship

• Motivate you to seek help from those who can help you

• Encourage your loved ones to be compassionate to comfort and reassure you (when you share your primary emotions in a vulnerable way without criticism or blame)

As I mentioned in an earlier article, EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck, the EFT couple therapist will assess the couple's pattern of relating during Stage One of EFT  and reflect this back to each individual.

She will also help each individual to become aware of the primary emotions that are being masked by and communicated with secondary emotions.

In addition, she will help each person to get comfortable with communicating primary emotions once the dynamic in the relationship has been de-escalated so that each person can feel safe enough emotionally to risk being vulnerable.

In my next article, I'll give some examples of couples who use secondary emotions, instead of primary emotions, to communicate with each other, show the detrimental effects of this dynamic, and why it's so difficult to change these patterns on your own.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy

So many people, who love their spouses or partners, get stuck in destructive relationship dynamics that destroy an otherwise good relationship.

If you and your partner haven't been successful with improving your relationship on your own, you could benefit from attending couple therapy with an EFT couple therapist.  

Instead of remaining stuck in a negative cycle that's ruining your relationship, you could get help in EFT couples therapy and save your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Focus on Emotions ?

I have been discussing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples in the last several articles (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?, What Happens During Stage One of Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples? and What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling?).  In this article, I'm addressing a common question that couples often have when they are considering EFT couple therapy: Why does EFT focus on emotions?

Why Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples Focus on Emotions?

Focusing on Emotions in EFT Couple Therapy

Based on recent neuroaffective research, we now know that emotions occur at least two and a half times faster than thoughts.  Since emotions occur so quickly, it's possible to be unaware of what you're feeling emotionally before you have a thought about whatever you're experiencing.

Emotions also motivate your behavior, whether you realize it or not, both as an individual and as an individual in a relationship.  Emotions also motivate you to change much more than your thoughts.  So, it's important to be aware of what's going on emotionally, especially if you want to make changes.

Understanding Why Emotions Are Important

An important role for the EFT couple therapist is helping each member in the relationship to be able to:

• Identify emotions as they occur in the present and in the past 
• Learn to distinguish between primary, secondary and instrumental emotions (more about this below)
• Understand the positive and negative roles emotions play on a personal level as well as in the relationship
• Create an emotionally safe environment in couple therapy for each individual to identify and reveal more vulnerable (primary) emotions to his or her spouse or partner
• Understand whether a secondary emotion is masking a primary emotion (more about this below)
• Learn to feel and expression self compassion as well as compassion for your partner

Primary, Secondary and Instrumental Emotions:

• Primary emotions are the emotions that you feel first with a sense of immediacy.  These emotions, which include: fear, anger, sadness, joy/happiness, disgust, contempt and surprise.  They occur in the body, including on a gut level.  These emotions are biologically hardwired into humans.  These emotions are also the most vulnerable emotions that you have, and since you can feel so emotionally vulnerable with a primary emotion, you might shy away or distract yourself from your primary emotions and have difficulty expressing these emotions to your partner.
• Secondary emotions are reactions to your primary emotions.  They often serve the purpose of masking the more vulnerable primary emotions.  For instance, a wife, who is sad when she feels her husband is ignoring her, might feel anger as a secondary emotion to mask the hurt and sadness (primary emotions) she feels.  Although she feels more comfortable expressing her anger to her husband, her angry communication won't be as effective as compared to her revealing her hurt and sadness.  Chances are that her husband, who might feel an inward sense of remorse for ignoring his wife, will become outwardly defensive rather than addressing the problem between them.  In response to her anger, he might defensively deny that he is ignoring her, dismiss or belittle her concerns, criticize her for some shortcoming that he sees in her or withdraw/stonewall in silence.  No matter which defensive response he gives, the problem isn't solved and it might even become worse.
• Instrumental emotions are emotions that are often used in relationships, consciously or unconsciously, to manipulate.  For instance, a husband who, on a primary emotional level, is hurt and sad that his wife tends to be late whenever they're meeting for dinner or to go to a show, might try to make his wife feel guilty by exaggerating a headache that developed while he was waiting for her.  Rather than being direct with his wife and expressing his hurt, he tells her that waiting for her caused him to develop the headache.  If he really wants to rub it in, he might portray himself as the victim in the relationship who is "always waiting" for her.  Although the husband might accomplish his short-term goal (assuming he is aware of it) of manipulating his wife into feeling guilty, in the long run, this strategy does more harm than good.  

Changing Negative Dynamics in Your Relationship

Changing negative dynamics in a relationship is challenging, especially if both people have been engaging in these dynamics for a long time.

Becoming aware of the dynamics and the role that each person plays is the first step.  It's normal for both people to feel uncomfortable at first when they're exploring their negative dynamics with their EFT couple therapist.  

But if both people really want to improve their relationship, this is an important step.  And rather than blaming yourself or your spouse for the dynamics, it's important to focus on the dynamic as happening between you and realize that there are no "bad guys."  It's the dynamic that needs to change (see my article: EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles).

Rather than blaming yourself or your partner, it's much more effective to become curious about the dynamic and to be willing to take a risk to change (see my article: EFT Couple Therapy: New Bonds of Love Can Replace a Negative Dynamic in a Relationship).

More about this in my next article.

Getting Help in EFT Couple Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples is internationally recognized as a well-researched and effective form of couple therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Rather than continuing to struggle in a negative dynamic with your partner or spouse, you could get help to improve your relationship in EFT couple therapy.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and EFT couple therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.