Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

In the last several articles my focus has been on the themes in the book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by sex therapist and researcher, Dr. Jack Morin.  

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

My focus in the current article will be one of the paradoxical emotional aphrodisiacs, anxiety.  

In the context of emotional aphrodisiacs, according to Dr. Morin, anxiety includes: fear, vulnerability, worry and nervousness (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?)

Also, see my previous articles:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

Anger as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Anxiety as a Paradoxical Emotion

To recap from a previous article: Paradoxical means seemingly contradictory. 

The word "seemingly" is important in the context of this discussion because these emotions often have the opposite effect to what is normally expected.

Erotically speaking, anxiety, as well as anger and guilt, are considered paradoxical emotions because these emotions can have an unexpected aphrodisiac effect.

Anxiety is usually thought of in terms of getting in the way of sexual arousal and pleasure.  

For instance, if a man is anxious about being able to maintain an erection, his anxiety can bring about the problem he fears, especially if he has a history of erectile unpredictability.  In that context anxiety is an anti-aphrodisiac.   

Another example is if a woman feels pressured by her partner to have an orgasm, her anxiety can get in the way of her enjoying sex and having an orgasm (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac: Risk and Violating Sexual Prohibitions

Anxiety can enhance sexual desire and pleasure in certain situations where risk is involved.

For instance, many people get turned on when they feel they're about to violate a sexual prohibition that they consider "breaking the rules," including:

• Having sex in a car parked on the street, in a park or in a public place where there is a risk of getting caught

• A sexual attraction to someone who is from another race or ethnic background when your family, religion or culture prohibits it or where the behavior would include "forbidden fruit"

• Pushing sexual boundaries 

• Having a secret sexual affair 

For many people, the fear of getting caught in a risky situation gets them excited,  (assuming that the anxiety doesn't overwhelm the excitement).

Sexual prohibitions, whether it involves behavior in real life or sexual fantasies, can be enough to get some people turned on.

Clinical Vignettes: Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

The following fictional vignettes illustrates how violating a sexual prohibition can be a real turn on:

Jean and Tom

While they were on a much-needed vacation, Jean and Tom settled into their hotel room after a busy day of sightseeing in Cancun, Mexico.

After 20 years of marriage and raising two teenage children, when they were at home, they were often too tired to have sex.  So, aside from getting away from their usual responsibilities at home and work, they also took this vacation to rekindle their sex life.  

Settling in for the night, they were both feeling a little tipsy and relaxed from the Margaritas they had at dinner.  There was something about being alone in a beachfront hotel room far away from home that got them both turned on.

Tom leaned over to kiss Jean when he noticed the opened curtains facing the beach.  But when he got up to close the curtains, Jean said playfully, "Maybe you don't have to close them all the way..."

Standing in front of the curtains, Tom was momentarily confused, but when he saw the mischievous look in Jean's eyes, he smiled and, as he closed the curtains only part of the way, he said in a teasing voice, "But there are still a few people on the beach.  They might see us having sex..."

This fantasy of people on the beach possibly watching them making love was a psychological stimulation.  It was enough to get them both sexually excited that night in a way they had not felt in a long time (see my article: Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation).

In reality, the risk of someone on the beach seeing them having sex was probably minimal. But for this couple just imagining it was enough to rekindle their passion that night.  

Even after their vacation, when they were back at home, just talking about that night and the possibility that someone might have seen them was enough to add spice to their sex life for a long time.  

Back home, when Jean and Tom talked about that experience, they both considered it to be one of their peak erotic experiences (see my article: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

At another time and in another context, a similar situation might have made both of them too anxious to enjoy sex.  But in this particular context, they were both feeling mostly relaxed and enjoying their time away.  So, in this case, instead of detracting from their sexual excitement, the anxiety added to it.

Note the elements involved that ignited their excitement, including:

• Pushing sexual boundaries by being somewhat exhibitionistic that night in their hotel room

• Taking a risk at getting caught in a public way

• Creating this secret "naughty" sexual encounter that only the two of them would ever know about 

Jill

During her friend Ina's birthday party, Jill began a conversation with Laura, a woman she recognized from another one of her friend's parties.  

After Jill and Laura chatted about how they each knew Ina, Laura suggested they go out on Ina's deck to get some fresh air and get a break from the noise of the party.  

They were both relieved by how quiet and peaceful it was on the deck, especially since they were the only ones there.  Chatting on the deck, they were surprised to discover they had a lot in common, including that they enjoyed playing tennis.

Sipping her wine, Jill suddenly became aware that she was sexually attracted to Laura.  This came as a surprise to her because she considered herself to be heterosexual and she never felt a sexual attraction for a woman before. 

This sudden awareness made Jill feel a little anxious because it was so new, but it also made her feel sexually excited.  So, when Laura moved closer and leaned in for a kiss, she discovered that Jill was receptive.  

Later that night, when they were alone in Laura's apartment, they had a passionate evening together.  It was the first of many, and after each date with Laura, Jill felt a little anxious, but also excited, about whether she could be interested in other women too (see my article: Women and Sexual Fluidity).

Anxiety as an Emotional Aphrodisiac

Raised in a conservative religious home where sex was never discussed, Jill wasn't sure what her encounters with Laura meant to her, but she knew she enjoyed them.  

Since it was all so new to her, she decided not to mention anything to Ina or any of her other friends about her dates with Laura for the time being.  

She wanted to see how things developed.  She also wanted to keep their dates a secret--not because she was ashamed of them--but because she wanted to savor this new sexual experience (see my article: Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure).

Note the elements in this second vignette that enhance pleasure for Jill:  

• The risk of getting caught kissing Laura on the deck

• The secret dates with Laura and the pushing of boundaries into new sexual territory for Jill who, until then, thought of herself as being exclusively heterosexual and had never realized she could be sexually attracted to women

• An element of "forbidden fruit" and even "naughtiness,"especially considering Jill's conservative, religious upbringing

Both of these vignettes also relate to the Erotic Equation, which states: Attraction + Obstacles = Sexual Excitement.

Just the Right Amount of Anxiety and Sexual Excitement

The two vignettes above demonstrate how just the right amount of anxiety and sexual excitement can enhance passion.

Often, it depends on how everything comes together in a particular situation.  

For instance, in the vignette about Jean and Tom, if they had received a call from one of their teenagers just as they were settling into their room, their mood might have been very different when Tom noticed the curtains were open.  Instead of getting excited by keeping them open a little, they both might have felt exposed (literally and psychologically) to the point where they felt too vulnerable and anxious to be playful in this way.

In the vignette with Jill, if her friend, Ina, came out and she felt embarrassed by discovering Jill and Laura kissing, Jill's anxiety would probably have been a lot higher.  This probably would have spoiled the vibe between Jill and Laura.  It might also made Jill think of her parents and her strict religious upbringing in a way where her anxiety would have been overwhelming.

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

Aside from Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules, there are many other scenarios relating to Dr. Morin's other The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism where anxiety can act like an emotional aphrodisiac, including:

• Longing and Anticipation: The slight anxiety experienced before a first date where there is a strong sexual attraction

• Searching For Power: The combination of anxiety and a lot of sexual excitement involved with a couple trying bondage for the first time (see my articles:  What is Power Play? and Destigmatizing Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission)

• Overcoming Ambivalence: The transformation of reluctance and anxiety to sexual excitement in a situation in a someone has sex with a person who feels mildly dangerous and exciting (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Some Women?).

There is much more that could be said for how anxiety, in the right amount, can add to sexual excitement, but I hope I have given you some basic concepts.

In my next article, I'll focus on how guilt can be an emotional aphrodisiac.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at certain point in their life.

If you're struggling with unresolved problems, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming unresolved problems can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing.

I am a sex positive therapist, who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules

I've been focusing in recent articles on the work of sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin and his groundbreaking book, The Erotic Mind (see my articles: The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement, What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism? and A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation). I'm continuing the discussion about the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism in this article by focusing on Violating Prohibitions.  

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Violating Prohibitions

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

As I mentioned in my first article about this topic, according to Dr. Morin, the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism are:

• Longing and Anticipation
• Violating Prohibitions
• Searching For Power 
• Overcoming Ambivalence

Violating Sexual Prohibitions
Violating sexual prohibitions include violating cultural and religious norms, ideals, mores and rules that are meant to restrict and enforce sexual behavior.  

The unintended consequences of these prohibitions often make them sexually arousing.  For some people, the fantasy of violating these prohibitions is enough of a turn on without engaging in the behavior in real life. 

Some examples of sexually arousing prohibitions include:

• Having sex in a car parked on the street, in a park or in a public place where there is a risk of getting caught
• A sexual attraction to someone who is from another race or ethnic background when your family or culture prohibits it or where the behavior would include "forbidden fruit"
• Pushing sexual boundaries 
• Having a secret sexual affair 

As a clarification: The sexual prohibitions that I'm referring to are all consensual and do not take advantage of anyone.

Dr. Morin's Erotic Equation states that Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement. So, violating sexual prohibitions (breaking the rules) is exciting for many people because it includes sexual attraction and obstacles, including the risk of getting caught.

Childhood curiosity often includes "playing doctor," looking up sexual terms and discovering pictures in magazines or online of semi-nude or nude people.  

At times, these activities can elicit feeling "naughty," guilty, or fear of punishment if discovered by a parent.  At the same time, these children can feel excited and aroused by these new discoveries.

According to Dr. Morin, the fusion of arousal and rule-breaking during childhood increases the likelihood that adult eroticism will include a tendency to get excited by breaking the rules.  It's often most exciting in restrictive cultures or religions that attempt to block expressions of sexuality.  

Adolescence is a time when breaking the rules, including sexual prohibitions, is exciting for many curious teens. The fascination involved with sexual self discovery, teenage rebellion, and the risk of getting caught by a parent adds to the excitement for many teens. 

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information eliminated, illustrates how violating sexual prohibitions can enhance sexual excitement:

Jane

Growing up in a conservative home, as a child, Jane was aware that sex was a taboo subject.

By the time she started elementary school, Jane was having crushes on boys at school. But she knew her parents wouldn't approve of her liking boys, especially at such a young age, so she kept her crushes to herself. 

When she was in third grade, she had a big crush on a boy in her class, Billy. Every day just the thought of seeing Billy was enough to make Jane feel excited with anticipation (see my article about Longing and Anticipation).

When she got to school, she felt too shy to say anything to Billy, but she watched him from a distance, and she was acutely aware of where he was and the things he did and said.

She also knew her parents would be upset if they knew she was so focused on him.  So, she tried to ignore him to focus on what the teacher was saying, but her attention kept getting diverted back to Billy.

Being an intensely curious child, Jane often wondered what it would be like to kiss Billy.  Just the thought of kissing Billy was so exciting, but it also left her feeling guilty.  She was afraid that, even if her parents didn't find out about her thoughts, maybe these thoughts were a "sin."

Having no one to talk to about this, Jane vacillated back and forth in her mind from imagining herself kissing Billy to silently reprimanding herself for even thinking about this.  

When she was at home, she often daydreamed about Billy while she was writing his name over and over again in the back of her notebook--before she forced herself to think about her schoolwork.

By the time Jane turned 13, she was having doubts about her religious upbringing.  She was bored during the church sermons and her thoughts drifted to her latest crush.  

By then, she was allowed to have a few close friends who were outside her church group, and she was fascinated by the way they talked about their crushes.  It was such a relief for her to have friends she could talk to about her crush on Billy--although she was careful to make sure her parents weren't within earshot.

Jane was aware her parents didn't want her to date until she was 16, but her girl friends were already going out in groups with boys they liked, so she would join them.  She knew if her parents found out, they would be angry, but her curiosity and excitement outweighed her fear of getting caught by her parents.

On one of these outings to the park, Jane was delighted to discover that her latest crush, Joey, was there.  She knew her parents wanted her home immediately after school, but they were at work and there was no one else monitoring her behavior when they weren't home.  So, instead of going home after school, Jane went to the park to be with her friends and, especially, to see Joey.  

When she got there, Jane felt so excited about seeing Joey that she felt "butterflies" in her stomach and tingly all over her body.  

Joey was talking and laughing with his friends, so he didn't notice her at first.  But when he turned around and saw her, he gave her a big smile--and she almost felt faint.

Then Joey came over to where Jane was standing to greet her.  At first, she felt so shy, she didn't know what to say.  But he was so easy to talk to that she soon found the courage to talk to him about their school activities.

When he suggested they go for a walk on their own, Jane was thrilled.  Within a short distance from their friends, in a more secluded part of the park, Joey suggested they sit on an unoccupied bench.  They continued to talk about school for a while, but then Jane noticed that Joey was leaning closer to her and she realized he was about to kiss her.

Up until then, Jane had never experienced anything like the pleasure she felt when she had her first kiss with Joey.  Her face was flush, her heart was pounding, and her hands were sweaty.  

When they walked back to be with their friends, she felt like her feet weren't touching the ground.  Later on, she and her friends were talking and giggling about it.  Then she realized the time and she rushed home to get there before her parents returned from work.

Soon after that, she and Joey were secretly meeting regularly for extended make out sessions.  They also talked about how crazy they felt for each other.  Afterwards, she would call her friends in a state of euphoria and they would talk about the boys they liked.

Sometimes Jane's friends would meet at Jane's house and they would secretly use Jane's parents' computer to look up advice on kissing and dating.  When they left, Jane was always careful to erase the browser history so her parents didn't discover what they were looking up.

There were times when Jane wondered if secretly getting together with Joey was wrong and she felt guilty about it.  She knew her parents would be disappointed and angry with her, but then whenever she saw Joey, she mostly forgot about her parents' disapproval.

As time went on, Jane's curiosity about sex grew.  By the time she was 17, she had a boyfriend, who was her age, Nick, her parents didn't know about.  She would tell her parents she was going to a friend's house, but she would secretly meet Nick to have sex with him in the backseat of his car.  

One night when Jane and Nick were parked on a deserted block having sex in the backseat, they were startled when a police officer tapped on the window.  Even though they were shocked, they rushed to get dressed and Nick jumped into the front seat of the car to talk to the police officer. 

The officer checked to make sure that Jane was alright.  After he checked Nick's license and registration, he gave them a warning about having sex in the car.  Then, he drove off. 

When the police officer was out of sight, Jane and Nick burst out laughing.  They were still feeling scared, but they were even more excited about getting caught.  For the next few days, they stopped having sex in Nick's car, but after a week, their temptation outweighed their fear and they found new deserted places to park and have sex.

By the time Jane went to college, she left the church and she never looked back.  Her parents were upset about this, but they also knew she was old enough to make her own decisions.  

Throughout college, Jane continued to be fascinated with "breaking the rules" sexually.  Even though there was no one monitoring her sexual behavior at college, just knowing that her parents and former church community would disapprove of her "transgressive" sexual behavior filled her with excitement and also a tinge of guilt.

Even after college, when Jane was in a committed relationship with Tom, she felt the push-pull of inhibition versus sexual excitement when she and her partner engaged in sexual role play in the privacy of their apartment, including role playing with power and submission to spice things up from time to time.

Although Jane's guilt about her sexual activities decreased significantly by that time, she had internalized the sexual prohibitions that were once imposed externally by her parents and religious community.  

By the time she was an adult, she had formed her own values and boundaries with regard to sex. But she continued to feel excited by playing with the idea of being the "bad girl" whenever she and Tom explored their peak sexual experiences in fantasy and in behavior.  

Conclusion

Violating sexual prohibitions, including breaking the rules imposed externally by parents or cultural/religious groups, often includes a so-called "naughtiness factor" for many people.  In order to experience the thrill of forbidden behavior, there are usually overt or perceived boundaries to come up against.

For many people the risk of punishment or social condemnation in sexual rule breaking gives these prohibitions their excitement throughout a person's life cycle.

Aside from the sexual excitement it provides, sexual prohibitions (where there is consent and no one is being taken advantage of) can help to provide a sense of autonomy as well as enhanced self esteem where adults define themselves and their own right to make decisions about their behavior.

Rule breaking often remains exclusively on the fantasy level, as opposed to actual behavior.  Whether rule breaking is fantasized or performed in real life, aside from enhancing sexual excitement, it can enhance sexual self discovery (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming sexual guilt and shame can be challenging, especially if you were raised in a restrictive environment.  

If you're struggling with unresolved sexual issues, you owe it to yourself to get help from a sex positive licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this area.

Once you're free from your history, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone

Staying within your comfort zone can feel very safe. When you're in your comfort zone, you usually don't have to worry about making mistakes, taking risks or making other people feel uncomfortable. You can go along, as you always have, and continue doing what you've always done and get the same results or you can make changes to move out of your comfort zone.

Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone

Here is a vignette, which is a composite of many cases: 

Donald:
Donald has been working at the same job as marketing rep for five years. He began as an intern and was hired soon after college. Initially, he was excited about his job. However, over time, he's learned the job so well that it's no longer challenging. The company is small and there are few opportunities for advancement. Add to this that Donald lacks confidence to advocate for himself to get a raise or to do more interesting work and you can see why he's in a rut.

His supervisor moved to a larger, more prestigious company a few months ago. Before he left, he told Donald to call him about possible openings at this company. But Donald has been procrastinating, making excuses to himself as to why he doesn't pick up the phone and call his former supervisor.

Then, one day, one of Donald's colleagues, who started at the same time and at the same level as Donald, told him that he had exciting news--he contacted their former supervisor and was hired as a marketing manager for a lot more money and better benefits. Donald congratulated him and wished him well but, inwardly, he berated himself for not calling their former supervisor and getting that job. He knew that he was far more knowledgeable and had better skills than his colleague, but he missed out because he allowed himself to stagnate in his comfort zone. He felt frustrated and stuck, and he didn't know what to do to get out of his rut.

If you would like to branch out, but you feel stuck in your comfort zone, ask yourself these questions to clarify what's holding you back:

• What do you really want in your life that you don't have now?
• What are the self-limiting fears that are keeping you from having what you want?
• What are you afraid will happen if you move out of your comfort zone?
• Are you living up to other people's expectations rather than doing what you really want?

Moving out of your comfort zone doesn't mean doing things that you're really not ready to do. For instance, if you just started taking yoga classes and you admire how some of the more advanced students can do head stands, it doesn't mean that you should try to do this as a beginner before you're ready. First, you need to learn the basics and develop your abilities to the point where you and your yoga teacher both feel that you can begin to do preparatory work for the head stand--otherwise you could injure yourself.

So, moving out of your comfort zone doesn't mean being foolhardy. Moving out of your comfort zone can be as simple as taking the next step--whatever the next step might be. So, if you've been doing yoga for a little while and your teacher encourages you to go a little deeper into a posture because she can see that you can do this safely without injuring yourself, but you decide to stay at your current level rather than work a little harder, then you're keeping yourself stagnant in your comfort zone and you won't progress.

Taking Steps to Making Changes
Small steps can lead to big changes. So, for instance, if you're afraid of public speaking, but you know it would help you to present your ideas to your boss and the senior staff, taking a public speaking class or working with a coach might be the small step you need to take in order to take the next step that could help you advance.

For most people, as they challenge themselves by taking steps outside of their comfort zone, they build confidence, and this can create an upward spiral.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find yourself stuck in your comfort zone, you could benefit from consulting with a psychotherapist or coach to help you advance to the next step and, ultimately, help you to get what you want in your life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I have helped many clients to move out of their comfort zone to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.