What is the Step-By-Step IFS Therapy Process?

In my last article, Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy, I began a discussion about perfectionism and IFS therapy.

In the current article, I'm discussing the step-by-step process of IFS healing perfectionism.

Although I'm focusing on perfectionism, the IFS process for healing is the same for other problems including anxiety, depression and trauma as well as other mental health issues.

Healing Perfectionism With IFS Therapy

Instead of trying to force you to eliminate parts of yourself, IFS helps you to understand, communicate with and untangle these parts. 

This allows your Core Self, which is also known as your true self, to lead a life with compassion and balance (see my article: How Does IFS Therapy Help You to Discover Your True Self?).

How Does IFS Therapy Help With Perfectionism?

As I have mentioned in my prior article, IFS is an gentle, evidence-based therapy that is effective for overcoming most mental health issues.

IFS Therapy and Perfectionism

From the IFS therapy perspective, perfectionism is driven by certain parts of the personality that include three different categories:

• Proactive Protectors ("Managers"): These protectors include the perfectionist and inner critic parts. The perfectionist part sets unreasonably high standards and the inner critic micromanages your behavior. Their goal is to ensure that you behave flawlessly so you never have to experience failure or judgment. The overall goal of proactive parts is to protect you from your wounded inner child (see below).

• Reactive Protectors ("Firefighters"): When the proactive protectors inevitably fail to live up to the "perfect" standards and the wounded parts of yourself get triggered, the firefighters, who are reactive protectors, step in to numb the pain. This might include sudden procrastination, drinking or drugging excessively, constant scrolling on your phone and so on--anything that numbs the pain. The reactive part's goal is also to protect the wounded inner child (see below).

• The Vulnerable Wounded Inner Child ("Exile"): This is the hidden part of your personality that carries the emotional wounds from the past. This part carries feelings of inadequacy, shame or the belief that you are only lovable when you succeed. The proactive and reactive parts work relentless to keep this wounded part buried so you don't feel the emotional pain. 

How Do These Parts Develop?

These parts don't just develop out of nowhere.

Childhood Wounded Parts 

They develop as survival strategies in response to your childhood, environment or cultural conditioning.

According to Dr. Richard Schwartz, who developed IFS therapy, parts are naturally healthy before they take on the burden of survival strategies. 

As I will explain below, the goal of IFS therapy is to help these parts to let go of their rigid, exhausting roles so they can take on new healthy roles.

What is the Step-By-Step Healing Process in IFS For Perfectionism?

IFS therapy has a step-by-step healing process:

• Stepping Back From Your Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: This is called "unblending" in IFS. From an IFS perspective, when you are "blended" or enmeshed with these parts, you believe that they are your entire identity instead of just a part of you. An IFS trained therapist can help you to create space between your Core Self, also known as your true identity, and your protective parts. This space allows you to observe these parts rather than being consumed by them.

• Discovering the Positive Intent of the Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: IFS therapy operates from the premise that there are "no bad parts", which means that every part has a positive intention. So, instead of fighting with the perfectionist and inner critic parts, you can approach them with curiosity and compassion. With the help of your IFS therapist, you learn to have an internal dialogue with these parts and ask them what they think would happen if they stopped pushing you. The perfectionist and inner critic parts frequently respond that they are afraid if they didn't push you, you would get hurt again by being abandoned or rejected as you were in the past. In other words, the parts are trying to protect you in the only way they know how--by demanding perfection and criticizing you when, inevitably, you don't achieve perfection--because there's no such thing as perfection.

• Accessing the Calm and Compassionate Core Self: By experiencing a separation from these parts, you can gain access to your calm and compassionate Core Self. When you treat the parts with calm and compassion, instead of frustration and anger. Then, their protective grip usually begins to soften--if not immediately, then over time.

• Healing the Underlying Emotional Wound ("The Unburdening Process"): Once the perfectionist and inner critic parts trust that your Core Self can handle things, they allow you and your IFS therapist to safely access the wounded part of yourself. At that point, your Core Self can comfort the inner young wounded child part, witness its past pain, and help it to release ("unburden") the deeply held belief that its worth depends on being perfect. 

• Assigning New Roles to the Perfectionist and Inner Critic Parts: In IFS therapy, healing these parts doesn't mean losing your drive or ambition. It means that once the underlying fear is resolved, the perfectionist and critical parts are freed from their exhausting "guard duty" (also known as defenses). At that point, they can transition into healthy new roles, such as being a detail-oriented ally, an organizer or a source of joyful creativity without ruling your sense of self worth.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

As previously mentioned, IFS therapy is a gentle, evidence based therapy.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, EFT couples therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or  email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Therapy? 

Understanding Your Protector Parts From an IFS Therapy Perspective

What is the Connection Between IFS Therapy and Neural Networks?

Understanding Proactive Protector Parts of Your Personality From An IFS Parts Work Therapy Perspective

I have written about IFS (Internal Family Systems) in prior articles (see links for these articles. below).

Understanding Protector Parts From in IFS Therapy

As I've discussed in prior articles, from an IFS perspective, we all have many different internal parts or sub-personalities. This is a normal part of everyone's personality.

These internal parts include:

• Protectors (also known as "Managers")
• Firefighters
• Exiles

There is also a Core Self which is not a part. The Core Self is the essence of who you are (see my article: Understanding Your Core Self and Your Parts in IFS Therapy).

In this article, I'm focusing on protector parts.

In everyday terms, an internal protector part is an internal coping mechanism or a behavioral habit that acts early to prevent emotional pain, rejection or failure before it happens. 

Core Characteristics of a Proactive Protector Part

• Future Focused: It anticipates emotional or social danger and wants to prevent it.
• Control Oriented: It manages people, the environment and perception.
• Anxiety Driven: It operates out of fear of vulnerability.
• Unconscious: It usually operates outside of your awareness.

What Are Common Examples of Internal Proactive Protector Parts?

• The Over-Preparer: Over-researching every decision to avoid making a mistake
• The People-Pleaser: Agreeing with everyone to prevent conflict or rejection.
• The Cynic: Expecting the worst from people to avoid feeling disappointed
• The Hyper-Independent: Refusing help so you never rely on someone because you fear they might abandon you

What is the Internal Family System (IFS) Connection

In IFS therapy these protector parts are also known as "Manager" parts. Their primary job is to run your life daily life efficiently and keep your deep-seated emotional wounds completely buried. These wounds include: shame, loneliness or feeling unworthy or unlovable.

Why Are Proactive Protector Parts Considered a Double-Edged Sword?

While you might feel that protector parts keep you safe from immediate discomfort, they often backfire because over time they create:

• Exhaustion
• Prevent deep emotional intimacy
• Lock you into a rigid lifestyle
• Stop personal growth

How Can You Spot Your Proactive Internal Protector Parts?

You can spot proactive internal protectors by looking at your rigid habits, repetitive internal rules and your automatic behaviors designed to avoid discomfort. 

Understanding Protector Parts in IFS Therapy

Since these internal protectors mask themselves as being "just part of your personality", identifying them requires paying attention to how and why you react to daily stressors:

Listen to the Internal "Rule" Language

Proactive protectors run on a strict, conditional logic to keep you safe. 

Listen to your internal self-talk for absolute rules with "I must" or "If I don't":

• "If I don't do this perfectly, everyone will think I'm a fraud."

• "I must have a plan or everything will fall apart."

• "If I open up to them, they will eventually use it against me."

• "I need to fix their bad mood or they will leave me."

Identify Your "Always On" Behaviors

Look at your behaviors that feel compulsive or impossible to turn off. 

Proactive protectors rarely allow you to rest because they believe that lowering your guard will result in disaster:

• Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning people's faces, tone of voice or text messages for signs of anger, boredom or judgment (see my article: What is Hypervigilance?)

• Chronic Over-Scheduling: Keeping your calendar completely full so you never have quiet time to feel anxious or lonely

• Preemptive Exiting: Breaking off friendships or dating relationships the moment they get serious to avoid being rejected first

Track Your Emotional Triggers

When a proactive protector is triggered, you feel a sudden spike of anxiety, defensiveness or irritation that feels disproportionate to the situation.

Here is an example;

• The Trigger: A coworker offers helpful feedback on your project.

• The Protector's Reaction: Sudden intense anger or anxiety and an immediate urge to over-explain and justify your work.

• The Hidden Fear: If my work isn't flawless, I'm completely worthless.

Look For the "Fixer" Mentality

Notice how you handle other people's discomfort. 

Proactive protectors often try to manage other people's emotions so they can maintain the illusion of safety:

• You immediately offer solutions when someone wants to vent.
• You apologize constantly--even for things that are out of your control or not your fault.
• You modify your opinions to match the person you're talking to.

Look For Physical Tension in Your Body 

Proactive protectors don't just live in your mind--they live in your body too. They keep your nervous system in a low-grade, constant state of survival.

Examples include:

• Chronic tension in your jaw, shoulders or chest
• An inability to relax or sit still without feeling guilty
• A shallow breathing pattern when entering into social situations

Get Help in IFS Therapy

We all have many different parts of our personality and no parts are bad, but proactive protectors can have a negative impact on your everyday life and relationships.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Proactive protectors feel like they are a natural part of your personality, but over time they can be exhausting and counterproductive.

An IFS therapist can help you to transform and heal proactive protector parts who are attempting to protect deeper emotional wounds (also known as "exiles").

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an IFS therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is a Trauma Therapist?

IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Trauma Therapy 

What is the Connection Between IFS Parts Work Therapy and Neural Networks? 

Looking at Depression From an IFS Perspective