Some Tips on Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

In my last article,  Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship, I began a discussion with a composite vignette about two people in a relationship, Ann and Jerry, who initially were very close in their relationship, even though they had very different temperaments.

Ann was an extrovert and Jerry was more of an introvert.

Initially, Ann and Jerry admired the qualities they saw in each other and felt was missing in themselves.  But, as time went on, they began to have arguments due to their conflicting temperaments.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

While Jerry, who was a writer, was working hard to meet a publisher's deadline on his book, Ann began to feel resentful, as time went on, that Jerry wasn't joining her for social activities with their friends.  She tended to be gregarious and loved being around other people and having fun.

Jerry felt that Ann was being inconsiderate because she knew that he was under a lot of stress.  And Ann missed having Jerry at social events, especially when her friends were there with their partners.

Initially, each of them kept their feelings to themselves.  But the tension built up over time, and they had an argument that developed over a petty issue.   That's when the real, underlying issue, their conflicting temperaments, came to the surface and threatened their relationship (see my prior blog post).

After their argument, they had a couple of weeks where they were distant with one another.  Jerry stayed at home most of the time, and Ann spent more time going out with her friends.

When they were at home, they barely spoke to one another. Neither of them was happy with the tension between them, but they didn't know what to do.

Then, one day, they got into another argument when Ann brought up that her parents invited them over for dinner.  There was a moment of awkward silence, and then Jerry told Ann that he was too close to his deadline and he needed to stay at home to write.

Ann became angry and told Jerry that they hadn't seen her parents since Jerry began working on his book.  She asked him, "Can't you spare one night to go with me to my parents' house?"

When Jerry lowered his head to think for a moment about how to respond, Ann interpreted this gesture to mean that he was ignoring her.  She ran out of the apartment in tears telling him that she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship with him any more.

Jerry was stunned and he followed her out.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

He said to Ann, "Look, I've been thinking about things.  Maybe we should see a couples counselor to get help.  What do you think?"

Although Jerry had been in therapy before, Ann had never seen a therapist.  She wasn't sure how she felt about it, but she knew that she and Jerry couldn't go on like this, so she agreed to go.

After listening to each of them, the couples counselor pointed out how they had very different temperaments and this seemed to be causing the conflict between them.

Neither Ann nor Jerry had thought of their problems in this way before, and it gave them each a lot to think about.

Both of them told the couples counselor that they were still in love and wanted to salvage their relationship.  But they just didn't know how.

The couples counselor helped them to learn relationship skills so that they could negotiate the differences related to their different temperaments.

Here are some of the relationship skills that they learned over time:

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments:

     Avoid Power Struggles Over Being "Right"
There are many conflicts where both people in the relationship are "right," so basing an argument with your partner on getting your way because you think you're "right" will won't settle an argument most of the time.

Avoid Power Struggles Over Being "Right"

In Jerry's and Ann's relationship, they were both "right" with regard to how each of them felt.

After months of Jerry spending most of his time working on the book instead of going out with Ann, Ann missed having Jerry with her at social events.  Jerry knew Ann liked going out, so he never told Ann not to go out and see her friends.  But Ann wanted him there with her.  Ann had a right to her feelings.

Jerry, who wasn't nearly as outgoing as Ann, felt that Ann was being unreasonable:  How could she expect him to go out parties, which he didn't always enjoy, and possibly miss the deadline for his book?  He felt that Ann wasn't being understanding about what he needed to do.  So, Jerry also had a right to his feelings.

When each of them looked at it this way in couples counseling, where they were calmer than when they tried to talk about it at home, they both acknowledged that it wasn't a matter of "right or wrong."

As they talked about it, each of them acknowledging the other's feelings, they began to relax with each other more.

     Focus on Behavior as Opposed to Making Personal Attacks
The couples counselor pointed out to each of them how they both engaged in personal attacks instead of focusing on behavior.

Focus on Behavior as Opposed to Making Personal Attacks

The couples counselor also pointed out that this only exacerbated their problems, and each one of them became more entrenched in his or her argument rather than working together to try to solve their problem.

     Negotiating Differences
The couples counselor told them that every couple has problems, and couples who have different temperaments can go through challenging times.  But this doesn't mean they can't negotiate their differences.

So, each week the couples counselor gave Ann and Jerry homework assignments to do related to negotiating their differences.  Ann expected Jerry to protest about the homework because of his book deadline, but Jerry wanted to save their relationship, so he agreed enthusiastically to work on these assignments, which made Ann happy.

Over time, both Ann and Jerry developed a greater sense of empathy for each other, which helped them to make compromises.  They struggled along the way, but each of them was more willing to find common ground rather than insisting that he or she was "right."

In couples counseling, they remembered what they liked about each other and what brought them together so they were able to rekindle their relationship.

With the help of the couples counselor, they were able to make compromises between staying home and going out socially.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

Jerry realized that he was actually more productive when he took a break from his work to go out and have fun, and Ann realized that she could begin to appreciate staying home more and feeling close to Jerry, even when he was working.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling
Problems with negotiating conflict is a common issue in many relationships, so if you and your partner are having this problem, you're not alone.

The important thing is to get help before anger and resentment build to the point where the relationship is beyond repair.

An experienced psychotherapist who has expertise in working with couples can help you to learn the necessary relationship skills to negotiate conflict so that you can have a happier relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

As anyone who has ever been in a new relationship knows, during the initial heady stage of falling in love in a relationship both people are usually on their best behavior.  During that stage, many people feel they have met their "soul mate."  

But conflicts can arise over time, especially when each person in the relationship has a different temperament compared to his or her partner.  If the couple doesn't know how to negotiate these differences, after a while, a relationship can end with anger and resentment.

Coping With Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

What is Psychological Temperament?
Let's start first by defining what we mean by the word "temperament."

Generally speaking, psychological temperament refers to aspects of personality that are considered to be innate as opposed to being learned.  An example of contrasting temperaments would be introversion and extroversion.

Extroverts generally tend to be outgoing, gregarious, talkative and prefer being around others as opposed to being alone.  If they spend too much time alone, they often become bored.

An Example of Temperament: Extroverts

Introverts tend to be more interested in their inner emotional world.  They are often more emotionally reserved than extroverts.  They might enjoy being at social gatherings, but they can get overstimulated in certain group environments.

An Example of Temperament: Introvert

These examples of temperament are generalizations, of course, and there are many variations.

Vignette
Let's take a look at the vignette below, which is a composite of many different couples, to see how conflicting temperaments in a relationship can create problems:

Ann and Jerry:
When Ann met Jerry, she liked that he was sensitive to her feelings and that he had a calming effect on her.  She also liked that Jerry, who was a writer, was much more emotionally aware than most men that she dated in the past.  They would talk for hours about topics that Ann hardly talked about with other men, including psychology, literature, and music.  She loved Jerry's writing and admired that he was so disciplined in his work.

Ann Liked Jerry's Sensitivity and Jerry Liked Ann's Gregariousness

When they first met, Jerry liked Ann's gregariousness.  He admired how she comfortable she felt among strangers at a party, and he felt that being around her helped him to be more outgoing than he normally would be on his own.  He also liked that Ann, who was a marketing rep., tended to be a "go-getter," a trait he wished he had to promote his work.  He had never dated anyone as lively and charming as Ann.

After dating for a year, Ann and Jerry moved in together.  Jerry didn't really care about how the apartment was furnished or if they had a house warming party, so he left that for Ann to handle, who loved decorating and organizing social gatherings.  She also organized their social activities with friends.

During the first year that they lived together, they were both very happy.  Jerry enjoyed hearing about Ann's interactions in the business world, and Ann loved reading Jerry's magazine articles.  She was also thrilled that he had just received an advance to write a book, and she was very encouraging with regard to his writing.

But by the second year, tension developed between Jerry and Ann.  Jerry was spending a lot of time at home working on his deadline for the book, which left little time for social activities.  Ann continued to be supportive of Jerry's writing, but she missed going out to parties and seeing her friends more.

Ann was beginning to feel stifled by her relationship with Jerry.  Even though she would see her friends when Jerry was too busy with his writing, she wanted him to come along.  Her other friends' husbands came out with her friends, and she felt awkward being the only one who went to social gatherings on her own.

At first, she tried not to complain to Jerry because she knew that it was important for him to meet his publisher's deadline.  But, even though she didn't tell him directly that she was feeling annoyed that she was going out without him, her resentment came out in other ways.  She found herself snapping at Jerry for petty things, like when he forgot to call the superintendent to fix a leaky faucet.

Jerry, who was immersed in his work, felt guilty that he wasn't accompanying Ann to the social gatherings that she normally enjoyed going to with him.  But he felt he had no choice.  He had to meet the publisher's deadline, and he wouldn't enjoy spending time at a party knowing that he was at risk of not meeting the deadline.  He also didn't like or understand why Ann was snapping at him for petty issues.  He felt she was being inconsiderate when she knew how much pressure he was under.

Then, one day, when Ann came home to discover that Jerry forgot, once again, to call the superintendent to fix the leaky faucet, she felt upset and exploded at Jerry:  He was at home all day.  Couldn't he take a minute to call the superintendent?  How many times did she have to remind him to do this?  She was busy at work all day. She didn't have the time to do it.  And so on.

Coping With Conflicting Temperaments: Ann Felt Upset

Jerry, who was already anxious because he was falling behind where he wanted to be in terms of meeting the publisher's deadline, became exasperated:  Did Ann think that she was the only one working because she went to an office?  Wasn't his work important too?   She knows that he has been under a lot of pressure.  Why is she making it worse by stressing him out about a leaky faucet?  How could she be so inconsiderate.  And so on.

Their argument escalated to the point where Ann told Jerry that she felt bored in their relationship.  She wanted to go out more and be around people.  She wanted to go to parties, skiing and snow boarding with friends.  She didn't want to just sit around the apartment and watch him write.  She felt like she was suffocating.

Jerry responded by telling her that he didn't mind going to parties sometimes, but he would feel irritated after a while by the loud music and people trying to shout over the music to be heard.  He couldn't understand why Ann found this enjoyable.  And while many of her friends were "nice," he thought some of them were "vapid," like teenagers who never grew up.

Coping With Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

Ann took offense to Jerry calling her friends "vapid" and asked him if he thought she was "vapid" too because she wasn't as intelligent as he is.  As Jerry was gathering his thoughts to respond, Ann interpreted this as meaning that he did think she was "vapid," and he didn't want to say it out loud, so she shot back, "Well, I think you're boring and we might have made a mistake moving in together."

After that, Jerry retreated into the den to cool off and reflect on what just happened.  Ann, who felt abandoned when Jerry walked away, texted a friend to meet her at a local bar to talk.

During the next few weeks, their relationship was strained.  They each felt hurt and angry, and neither of them knew what to do.

Conflicting Temperaments in a Relationship
As you probably realize, in the vignette above, generally speaking, Jerry is an introvert and Ann is an extrovert.

Each of them was drawn to the other, in part, for the qualities that they felt was missing within him and herself.  But, after the initial stage of their relationship, conflicts arose when each of them, based on their different temperaments, felt that their needs weren't being met by the other.  The very personality traits that they each liked in each other at the beginning of the relationship now annoyed each of them.

In a situation like this, the relationship can quickly unravel when neither person knows how to negotiate these issues or if they don't get help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples and who knows how to help couples develop the relationship skills required to negotiate conflicts based on conflicting temperaments.

In my next article, I'll focus on how couples who have conflicting temperaments can negotiate their relationship so that these type of conflicts don't destroy the relationship.

Next Article: Tips on Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship because of conflicting temperaments, you owe it to yourself to get help from a couples therapist who has expertise in this area.  It could make the difference between salvaging your relationship or breaking up.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many couples to have more fulfilling relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.