Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

Shame is a painful emotion which is part of a deep sense of being flawed, unworthy and unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

Shame often stems from early childhood experiences of trauma including abuse and emotional neglect (see my article: What is the Difference Between Childhood Abuse and Neglect?).

Shame is feeling bad about who you are as opposed to guilt which is feeling bad about something you did (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

Core Concepts About Shame

• Childhood/Developmental Trauma: Abuse, neglect and punitive parenting often leads to long lasting feelings of inadequacy.

• The Internal Critic: Negative messages from parents and other authority figures are internalized. This creates the internal critic which devalues the individual and makes them feel ashamed of themself (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

• Cultural Expectations: An inability to meet cultural, societal or religious expectations can create feelings of shame.

• Fear of Disconnection: Shame is a response to the fear of being rejected by others. 

• Trauma and Mental Health: Shame is a common outcome of trauma. Shame is also at the root of many other mental health issues (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

• Social Media and Comparison: Social media can fuel shame through constant comparisons with regard to perceived shortcomings about looks, success or other issues (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

How is Self Acceptance an Antidote to Shame?

Self acceptance is an antidote to shame because it can dismantle a harsh inner critic as well as feelings of isolation and inadequacy.

By developing self acceptance you can overcome the toxic effects of shame.

You can also develop emotional resilience to develop a kinder, more loving relationship with yourself.

How to Develop Self Acceptance

There are many ways you can develop self acceptance including:

• Focusing on your strengths (see my article: Focusing on Your Strengths).

• Journaling to increase your self awareness and self compassion

• Develop an external perspective: Ask yourself what your best friend would say about you

• Meditation: Mindfulness meditation can help to deepen self awareness and compassion

Getting Help in Therapy

If self help strategies aren't working for you, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

By working through unresolved trauma related to your feelings of shame, you can free yourself of your traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City and online.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being Someone's Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

Being treated as a relationship backup plan occurs when a partner keeps you around as a secondary option while prioritizing someone else. While unrequited feelings are a common part of the dating app experience, establishing a repetitive pattern of being a second choice signals a need to break unhealthy relationship cycles. Adjusting your dating patterns and raising your baseline boundaries allows you to pivot from being an option to a priority.

Stop Being Someone's Backup Plan

What Are the Signs That You Might Be Someone's Backup Plan?

• It's Difficult to Get Their Attention: If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as #1 because they're hoping to be with someone else. Maybe the one they want to be with is in another relationship and the person you're dating is hoping they will become available. Or, they're seeing you "for now" until someone else they consider "better" comes along.  Along the way, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you with just enough attention to keep you simmering on the backburner (see my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

How to Stop Being His or Her Backup Plan

• You Initiate Most of the Contact and Any Effort to Move the Relationship Forward: Maybe they text you sporadically and their texts are superficial and vague.  Even though they say they want to see you, it's hard to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, but you don't really know what's going on in their life. They're making little or no effort to move the relationship along and any efforts to do so are made by you. Not only is this disheartening, but it could also be a sign you're not a priority.

• They Cancel Plans a Lot: Even when they make plans with you, they tend to cancel a lot. Once again, their explanations are vague ("I'm too busy" or "Something came up"). This could be a sign that the person they really want to be with has become available and they prefer to spend time with that person. Whatever the reason for their frequent cancellations, you sense you're not a priority for them.

• They See You at Their Convenience: When you do see each other, it's at their convenience. It might be a last minute plan as if it's an afterthought on their part. They don't take your schedule into consideration and, if you can't make it, they don't seem disappointed. This can be another sign that you're not a priority to them.

• They Don't Like Labels: When you try to discuss where things stand between you, you're told that they don't like labels. They might tell you something like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" But deep down you sense it's not going anywhere because they're stringing you along.

• You Walk on Eggshells Because You're Worried They'll Leave You if You Call Them Out on Their Behavior: You can see clearly that you're not a priority to them, but you're afraid to point this out because you're worried they'll stop seeing you. You keep hoping you'll become their priority, but it's not happening and you're compromising your sense of self worth.

• You've Been Dating For a While, But You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family: If you have been dating them for a while and you haven't met their friends or family, this could be a sign you're their backup plan. They might not want to introduce you to friends or family because they're waiting for someone else to come along.

How to Stop Being Their Backup Plan

• Develop Self Awareness: Although it might be painful to admit to yourself that you're not a priority to the person who is a priority to you, you owe it to yourself to become aware of the telltale signs that you're someone's backup plan. If you're not sure, talk it over with a trusted friend who can be more objective than you.

• Ask Yourself Why You're Putting Up With Their Behavior: It's one thing for them to treat you like you're not a priority and it's another thing for you to allow it. Is your willingness to put up with this behavior related to your family history or a history of unhealthy relationships? Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else if you leave this relationship? This can be a hard step to take, but it's essential for you to be honest with yourself if you want to stop being treated like you're not important. 

• Call Out Their Behavior: If you're in a situation where they're doing the least they can do just to keep stringing you along, you need to call out this manipulative behavior. If you hesitate because you're afraid you might lose them, ask yourself, "What would I really be losing?"

• Reflect on Your Choices: If you find yourself in this type of situation over and over again, you're probably repeating an unconscious pattern (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).

• Respect Yourself and Your Own Needs: If you're okay with a casual relationship where you get together once in a while, you might not be bothered by being someone's second choice. But if you want to be in a serious relationship, you need to acknowledge and respect your own needs. Make it clear that you're not going to wait around for them and if they continue to treat you like a second choice, move on.

• Get Help in Therapy: Although you might realize you're repeating certain patterns, you might not know how to change these patterns on your own. A licensed mental health professional can help you to identify the patterns and, more importantly, help you to change them so you don't keep repeating them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City and online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.