Healing the Mother-Daughter Relationship Where There Was Role Reversal

In my prior article,  Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships, I began discussing some of the dynamics related to role reversal in mother-daughter relationships, including the dynamic in the daughter's early childhood and the possible outcomes of the mother-daughter relationship when the daughter is an adult.

Healing the Mother-Daughter Relationship Where There Was Role Reversal

In this article, I've given a fictional vignette, which is made of many different cases of role reversal between mothers and daughters, about how it is possible to heal problematic mother-daughter relationships in mother-daughter therapy (see my article:  Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Jane and Patty
Jane and Patty sought mother-daughter therapy because they were unable to reconcile their relationship on their own.

The daughter, Patty, had been in individual therapy with another therapist to deal with this issue, but she had a strong desire to be able to talk to her mother about their role reversal, especially during the time when Patty was a young child.

In the past, Patty said, whenever Patty attempted to talk to Jane, about it, Jane would dismiss Patty's concerns and change the subject.  Not only was this hurtful, Patty said, but it also left her feeling angry and frustrated.

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships Where There Was Role Reversal

Even though neither of them would describe their current adult relationship in very negative terms, Jane felt that she was harboring a lot of unexpressed resentment towards Jane for her role as a parentified child when she was younger, cooking, cleaning, taking care of her younger siblings, and being Jane's confidante, especially when Jane was drunk.

During Patty's early childhood and teen years, Jane was an active alcoholic.  She would drink until she passed out leaving Patty and the younger children to fend for themselves.  Since Patty's father had left the household before Patty was born, there were no other adults at home to help.

Patty recalled that when she was six years old, Jane would get drunk and unburden her problems on Patty.

Patty recounted how sad she felt that her mother was so unhappy and she was willing to do whatever her mother wanted because she hoped this would make Jane happy.  But it never did.  And Patty grew up feeling like she failed her mother, which made her try even harder to please her mother and to work even harder at home.

When Patty was a teen, she said, she often had to help her mother walk up the stairs to her bedroom because Jane was too drunk to walk up the stairs by herself.  Then, Patty would put her mother to bed and take care of her younger siblings.

Patty recalled that she often felt lonely and overwhelmed as a child because she had no one to talk to about it.  She also missed out on a lot of social activities because she stayed home to take care of her mother and the other children.

Patty said she was so glad when her mother got sober when Patty was 18.  She was glad for Jane and glad for herself and her siblings.

Jane's sobriety allowed Patty to go to college without feeling guilty that she was leaving Jane and the children.

While Patty spoke, Jane kept her eyes cast down and sat stiffly in the chair.  It was evident that it took a lot for her to sit and listen to how emotionally damaging it was for Patty to function as the mom at home.

After Patty spoke, Jane said she wasn't sure what to say.  She said that she had apologized to Patty many times, but Patty didn't accept her apology.  As she said this, she appeared somewhat emotionally disconnected from their conversation.

Patty responded by saying that even though Jane apologized, Jane also told her that all of this happened a long time ago and Patty should "let it go."  Patty felt that Jane didn't know what Patty went through and she didn't want to know.

The first several sessions were intense and emotional with both mother and daughter becoming upset and angry at various times.

The breakthrough came in their sixth session together when Patty said that she didn't see how they could ever be close if Jane continued to say she was sorry and, at the same time, she was dismissive of Patty's feelings by telling her to "just let it go."

"Mom, if I could 'just let it go,' don't you think I would have done that a long time ago?" Patty said to her mother, "I'm beginning to feel hopeless that you and I could ever have a close relationship."

At that point, hearing her daughter's sense of hopelessness, Jane broke down.  It was the turning point in their therapy.  She said that the thought that they could never heal their relationship was unbearable to her.

Then, she began talking about her own childhood.  She wanted Patty to understand why she wasn't a good mother when Patty was a child.  Until then, Jane was never willing to talk to Patty about her childhood before.

Jane revealed that her mother, whom Patty had never met, was not only emotionally neglectful, she was also physically abusive.  When her mother was drunk, Jane said, she would bring home strange men and, after her mother passed out, they would sexually abuse Jane.

Since her mother would black out when she drank, she never remembered what happened and she didn't believe Jane when she tried to tell her that these men were sexually abusing her.

Jane said that this was the first time that she had ever revealed this to anyone, and she felt deeply ashamed about the sexual abuse and how she neglected Patty when she was a child.

Healing the Mother-Daughter Relationship Where There Was Role Reversal

At that point, Patty took her mother's hand to soothe her, and they sat silently for a few minutes.

Over the next several sessions, Jane and Patty continued to talk about their relationship.  Something shifted between them.  They seemed genuinely close.

Patty said that, for the first time in her life, she felt that her mother understood and she was glad that she wasn't dismissing her feelings.  She also said that, knowing her mother's history, she felt a deep sense of compassion towards her and forgave.

Jane said she felt closer to Patty than she had in a long time, and she wanted to continue developing their relationship.  She also said that she decided to begin her own individual therapy to deal with her traumatic history.

Conclusion
Trying to reconcile the emotional aftermath of a role reversal in a mother-daughter relationship can be challenging for both people.

The fictional vignette above is one variation on many themes between a mother and daughter trying to bring about a reconciliation.

Healing between a mother and daughter is possible if both people are willing.

If they can't accomplish this on their own, mother-daughter therapy is often helpful to heal old wounds.

Getting Help in Therapy
As people become better educated about psychotherapy, more mothers and daughters are participating in mother-daughter therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're stuck in a mother-daughter dynamic that you want to change, you could benefit from mother-daughter therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can facilitate the emotional healing.

Life is short and by healing your mother-daughter relationship, it's possible for you to have a healthier, more loving relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples, including mothers and adult daughters and fathers and adult sons.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

In the past, I wrote several articles about mother-daughter relationships, including:  Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships, Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships and Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime).

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

In this article, I'm focusing on role reversal between mothers and daughters, including the dynamics when the daughter is a young child as well as the effect on their relationship later on when the daughter is an adult.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Childhood
When there is a role reversal dynamic in a mother-daughter relationship, the young daughter usually takes on the role of the mother in terms of mothering the mother (and other family members) by becoming the helper, confidante, and caretaker of the mother.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Childhood

It's not unusual in this dynamic for the daughter to take on adult responsibilities at a young age such as cooking, cleaning, taking care of the other children in the household, listening to the mother's problems, and trying to solve the mother's problems.

In some highly dysfunctional families, it might also involve the daughter taking on the role of the sex partner to the father, sometimes with the mother's knowledge and sometimes without.

Why Does a Mother "Allow" Her Daughter to Take On the Mothering Role?
Mothers who are part of this dynamic often have their own unmet emotional childhood needs from when they were growing up, possibly in a similar dynamic with their own mother.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Childhood

Growing up with unmet emotional needs makes it more likely that mothers will unconsciously seek the nurturing that they didn't receive from their own mothers from their young daughters.

Aside from having unmet emotional needs, the mother might also have other problems, including:

• Being incapacitated by depression
• Lacking parenting skills
• Getting pregnant at a very young age and lacking the maturity to take care of her daughter 
• Having unwanted pregnancies
• Being physically sick
• Being overwhelmed by too many other responsibilities
• Abusing alcohol or drugs, engaging in compulsive gambling or other impulsive/compulsive behavior
• Being in an abusive relationship with the father (or another man) 
• Having a succession of men in and out of her life with each one becoming the focus on her attention rather than her daughter

and so on.

Often this dynamic is perpetuated from one generation to the next without the mothers or daughters even realizing it, unless they get help in therapy.

Young daughters who take on the mother role are usually emotionally overwhelmed because they are behaving in ways that are beyond their developmental capacity.

Not only are their own emotional needs not being met because they're being emotionally neglected, but they are overexerting themselves mentally, emotionally and physically, often without any emotional support.

If they're also taking on the role as the father's sex partner, this is, obviously, extremely damaging and exacerbates the emotional trauma.

Often the mother in the role reversal dynamic, without realizing it, lacks empathy for the daughter.

The mother might lack empathy because she hasn't dealt with her own history of being in a role reversal with her mother.

This is a complicated dynamic and, as illogical as it might seem, this doesn't mean necessarily that the mother in this situation doesn't love the daughter.

The lack of empathy usually means that the mother is unable or unwilling to see the damage being done, despite the love she might feel for the daughter, because she doesn't know how to be nurturing and her own unfulfilled emotional needs are so great.

The mother also might not know how to express love to her daughter because her own mother never expressed it to her.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships:  The Adult Relationship Between the Mother and Daughter:  Possibilities for Healing
It's not unusual that later on in life, when the mother is older and the daughter becomes an adult, for there to be tension between the mother and daughter.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: The Adult Relationship Between Mother and Daughter

If the mother is now better able to be loving towards her adult daughter because she has matured and developed more emotionally, there is the possibility for healing their relationship, even if the mother has a lot of shame about the role reversal and the daughter is resentful.

A lot will depend upon the particular mother and daughter.

Some mothers and daughters continue to have an ambivalent, codependent relationship as adults (see my article:  Ambivalence and Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Some adult daughters have so much anger, resentment and bitterness towards the mother that they find it difficult to forgive her, even if the mother expresses remorse for their role reversal when the daughter was a child.

Other daughters might develop a kind of intellectual insight ("I know my mother did the best that she could") but, without help in therapy, they remain stuck emotionally and ambivalent in their conflict because even though they might have an intellectual understanding, they don't understand it on an emotional level.

Unfortunately, this is a common experience for many daughters in this situation.

Many daughters are aware that they paid the emotional price for the role reversal, and they're determined that they won't perpetuate this dynamic with their own children.  Many of them go on to have healthy relationships with their children.

But many of them, despite their best efforts, end up having dysfunctional relationships with their children.   They might overindulge their children (like giving them everything that the child wants because they didn't get what they needed when they were children).

They might over function for their children, doing things for their children that their children are capable of doing for themselves. Or they have some other emotional blind spot with regard to their children, especially their daughters.

Some mothers find it difficult to acknowledge the role reversal either because they're in denial about it, they're too ashamed to discuss it or they're dismissive of the pain it caused the daughter due to their lack of empathy ("That was a long time ago.  You should just let it go").

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: The Adult Relationship Between Mother and Daughter

Other mothers want to make a sincere effort to heal the relationship with their daughter, but they don't know how.  Or, their daughter, as an adult, might be unwilling.

There are many variations on this theme.

In a future article, I'll continue this discussion and give a fictional vignette to illustrate the points that I've discussed in this article.

Getting Help in Therapy
Overcoming the emotional consequences of role reversal in mother-daughter relationships can be challenging and, for some people impossible, to do on your own.

Many mothers and adult daughters have been helped by coming to mother-daughter therapy to overcome the problems between them.

With an objective mental health professional, who understands the dynamics involved with this type of role reversal, mothers and daughters often find that they are able to heal their relationship with each other.

Even in situations where one person, either the mother or the daughter, is unable or unwilling to come to therapy to work on this problem, many individuals have healed in individual therapy from the trauma of this dynamic.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples, including mothers and adult daughters and fathers and adult sons.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.