Taking Care of Yourself When Your Spouse is Depressed

In a prior article,  Is Your Spouse Depressed?, I focused on being with a spouse who is depressed. In this article, my focus will be on you and how to take care of yourself if your spouse is suffering with depression (see my articles: How Do We Balance Our Own Needs With Being Responsive to Our Loved Ones?, Are You Concerned About Your Spouse's Depression? and Caregiving For a Depressed Parent as a Child and a Depressed Spouse as an Adult).

Taking Care of Yourself When Your Spouse is Depressed 

Although you might be primarily focused on your spouse, you also need to take care of yourself or you could compromise your own psychological and physical health, and you won't be helpful to your spouse.

Taking Care of Yourself When You're Married to a Depressed Spouse

• Be Aware That You'll Need to Take Extra Care of Yourself:  Being around a depressed loved one can be exhausting mentally and physically, which is why it's so important to take extra care of yourself.  Eating nutritious food, exercising, getting enough sleep, and seeing your doctor for regular appointments are among the self care activities that will help you (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish? and Tips For Staying Calm During Stressful Times).

• Develop Your Own Emotional Support System:  Although it may be obvious that your spouse needs help, when you're under the stress of being around a depressed spouse, you need emotional support too.  Close friends and supportive family members are important to maintain your own sense of well-being (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

• Accept Your Own Feelings:  While you're probably compassionate towards your spouse, inwardly, you might also feel a little resentful.  While it wouldn't be helpful to your spouse to harp on your resentment, it's important for you to know that this is a normal reaction, especially since you're probably under a lot more stress while your spouse is having a depressive episode.

• Recognize That You Can't "Fix" or Control Your Spouse:  You can encourage your spouse to get help, but you can't fix your spouse or make him or her get help.  It's one of the most frustrating things to contend with when their loved one is depressed:  You can't control it.  So, do what you can to encourage your spouse, which is different from nagging, but recognize that your spouse has to seek out help on his or her own (see my article: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself).

• Recognize That It's Not Your Fault:  Along with recognizing that you can't "fix" or control your spouse, recognize that it's not your fault that your spouse is depressed.  Depression occurs for many reasons, but no one can make someone depressed.  Be supportive, but don't try to take on your spouse's problem directly.

• Avoid Going Down the Rabbit Hole of Your Spouse's Distorted Thinking: Depression can distort judgment and thinking, so if your spouse is especially pessimistic about the present and the future, take a step back before you fall down the rabbit hole and buy into your spouse's distorted thinking.  If you do, it will only make the situation worse because then you'll both be mired in pessimism (see my article: Self Soothing Techniques to Use During Stressful Times, Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times and Empowering Yourself When You Feel Disempowered).

• Set Boundaries With Your Spouse:  While your spouse is going through a depressive episode, s/he might find it hard to keep up with certain responsibilities.  That's understandable, but you can't take on everything.  This will take judgment and tact on your part.  Within reason and if possible, be honest about what you can and can't do, so you don't become depleted by taking on everything, especially if your spouse seems to be able to do more than s/he has been doing (Is Your Fear of Being a "Bad Person" Keeping You From Asserting Yourself?).

Getting Help in Therapy
Don't underestimate the toll that your spouse's depression can take on you--even if you're following all the recommendations that I've made above.

It would be easy for you to say that your spouse is the one who is depressed and so your spouse should get help in therapy, not you.

While it's true that your spouse could benefit from therapy, it doesn't negate the fact that you might also need more help than family and friends can provide, especially if they tend to be critical or unhelpful.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to get through this difficult time so that you maintain your psychological and physical well-being.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional to get through this challenging time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many individuals and couples to get through challenging times, including episodes of depression.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW -NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Concerned About Your Spouse's Depression?

As a psychotherapist, I receive calls from women who are concerned about their husband's depression. Often, they're calling because they don't know what to do or because their concern about their husband's depression has made them feel anxious, helpless or depressed themselves.

Are You Concerned About Your Spouse's Depression?

Of course, I also get calls from husbands about their wives, but I receive more calls from wives about their husbands.  In any case, this article applies to either depressed husbands or wives.

Sometimes, I meet with these concerned spouses because they've become so worried that they're not taking care of themselves.

What Can You Do If Your Spouse is Depressed?
Although every situation is different and there are no one size fits all answers to this problem, here are some suggestions that might help:

• Ask your husband's doctor to rule out any medical causes.  There are some illnesses, like Parkinson's and others, that cause depressed affect, so it's better to rule this out at the start than to assume that the depressive symptoms are solely psychological.

• Recognize that your husband has a mental health problem that can affect his ability to help himself and he might feel unmotivated, lethargic and, in some cases, too hopeless and helpless to get help.

• Be aware that depression in men often goes unrecognized because men frequently exhibit different symptoms than women, and also because many men are often in denial about their depression.  Men are more likely to talk about physical symptoms, like being "tired."  In many cases, men who are depressed exhibit symptoms of irritability, being withdrawn, or behaving in a hostile or aggressive manner.  Many men deny that they're depressed because they feel they have to be "strong" and that being depressed means that they're "weak." 

• Be aware that depression can affect a man's sexual desire and sexual performance.  Unfortunately, some antidepressant medications can also affect sexual desire, so you and your husband will need to speak with your doctor to find out which medications will not affect sexual desire.

• Try to be as patient as you can and don't personalize your spouse's problem.  If he's depressed, it's not something that he's doing on purpose to get you angry (although it can be very frustrating if he refuses to get help).

• Your husband's depression isn't anything that you will be able to "fix." You need to encourage your husband to get help from a licensed psychotherapist (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

• If you're husband is too depressed to get help on his own, contact a licensed mental health professional and schedule an appointment with him or her.  Then, go to the appointment with your spouse so you can provide information about your observations with regard to your husband's emotional state and behavior.

• Assure your husband that going to see a therapist doesn't mean he's "weak" (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

• Rather than pushing your husband, try to take an encouraging attitude with him.  
• If you husband talks about suicide, take this very seriously.  Don't brush it off.  You must alert your doctor or your husband's therapist to any talk about suicide immediately or if your husband has made an attempt to commit suicide, you must call 911.

Take Care of Yourself
Living with someone who is depressed, can be very emotionally and physically draining.  Make sure that you:

• Get plenty of rest
• Eat nutritious meals
• Exercise
• Maintain contact with your friends and family to get emotional support
• Start your own therapy if you feel overwhelmed or feel like you're getting anxious or depressed yourself 

Take Care of Yourself

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Depression
With the help of a licensed mental health professional, people who are depressed, can overcome depression.

Overcoming Depression

It's important to get help before depressive symptoms get worse so that your spouse will feel like himself again and both of you can have a sense of well being together.

About Me
I am a New York City licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

Relationships: Is Your Spouse Depressed?

Just like diabetes or high blood pressure, depression is a serious problem and requires professional help. When a person is depressed, it's not just a matter of dealing with "the blues." A person who is depressed cannot "just snap out of it."

Is Your Spouse Depressed?

What is Depression?
Depression causes biochemical changes in the body and the brain so that it affects the depressed person both physically, emotionally, and psychologically. It can affect a depressed person's appetite, sleep pattern, and energy level.

Depression can cause physical aches and pains. It can also cause a person to lose interest in things that he or she used to enjoy doing. Depressed people often lose interest in sex and might seem apathetic toward your relationship.

They might become forgetful or have problems concentrating. Sometimes, a depressed person isolates from others. A sad mood and crying are common.

The person might become irritable, anxious, and easily annoyed. Depending on the level of depression, accomplishing every day daily activities of living--like getting out of bed, bathing, getting dressed, going to work, helping with the housework, and relating to others-- might be very difficult for the depressed person.

Depression is often progressive so that, without professional, help, it can start out being a minor depression and progress to major depression. Major depression can also lead to suicide.

How Common is Depression?
At any given time, millions of people in the US suffer with either minor or major depression. Often, depression goes undiagnosed because the depressed person and their loved ones don't know the signs and symptoms of depression. The spouse of a depressed person might label the depressed person as "l
"lazy" or "uncaring." This makes the depressed spouse feel worse and can worsen the depression.

Getting Help
If you recognize the signs or symptoms of depression in your spouse:

Gently and tactfully express your concern and offer to make an appointment with a licensed mental health professional.

Assure your spouse that depression is a common problem that affects millions of people and it's not his or her fault.
If your spouse is too depressed to take the initiative, make the appointment yourself and go with your spouse to the evaluation.

Before you go to the appointment, make notes of your observations of your spouse's depression so that you can discuss these observations with the psychotherapist. For many people, depression is overcome with psychotherapy or with a combination of psychotherapy and medication.

However, you should be aware that even after a particular episode of depression is over, another episode can and often does develop. So, you and your spouse should be alert to the signs and symptoms so you can recognize a relapse.

While you're helping your depressed spouse, it's important that you also take care of yourself. Coping with a depressed spouse can be very stressful and lonely. Being around someone who is depressed can also make you feel depressed or anxious. So, it's important that you continue to engage in activities that you enjoy and stay connected to your support system.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped many therapy clients to overcome depression.

To find out more about me, visit my web site Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

Call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me to set up a consultation.