Relationships: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

In my last article, Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?, I introduced the idea of sexual initiation styles.  In the current article, I'm addressing a problem that frequently comes up in sex therapy, which is dealing with different sexual initiation styles in your relationship.

Sexual Initiation Styles

Disclaimer: Before I continue, I want to remind people that this is a short article with general information for a complex topic, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone. This article isn't a substitute for therapy. The best way to resolve your sexual problems is to seek help directly from a sex therapist.

Similar to some of the previous articles, the information in this article is based on what I have observed in my sex therapy private practice in New York City as well as Vanessa Marin's wonderful book, Sex Talks.

Recap of Sexual Initiation Styles

In the previous article, I discussed the different sexual initiation styles in detail as they are outlined in Ms. Marin's book.  As I mentioned in the last article, there is no one style that's better than another.

You or your partner might not fit neatly into one category or another. You might be a combination of categories or maybe sometimes one or both of you might be more in the mood to initiate in a certain way that's different from how you normally initiate.

What's most important is for you and your partner to start thinking about these initiation styles to become aware of them and how to make them work for you as a couple.

As a recap, Ms. Marin discusses the following sexual initiation styles in her book (for a more detailed explanation, see my previous article):

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): You like sexual energy to simmer and build over time (see my article: The Sex Drive Simmer).

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): You need to feel nurtured by your partner.

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun.

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get in the mood for sex, you need to feel desired.

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): You need emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy.

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): You get turned on by physical touch, which makes you feel sexually alive.

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

For many people just thinking about their sexual initiation style is daunting. It takes self reflection and feedback from your partner.  This would be the same for your partner.

Although it might seem intimidating at first, knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can resolve many sexual problems that couples have.

For instance, if you're turned off by a partner who approaches you without any foreplay and says, "Hey babe, do you wanna do it?," it's helpful to be able to tell your partner how you prefer to be approached (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Different Sexual Initiation Styles

On the other hand, you might be someone who gets turned on by the "Do you wanna do it?" approach. But for many people, especially women, this would be a turn off (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets Women Sexually Turned On?).

Similarly, if you're the one who always initiates, you might wonder if your partner is just having sex to appease you. You might want your partner to initiate sex sometimes just to know your partner wants you sexually, and you need to be able to communicate this to your partner.

According to Ms. Marin, it's best to think of sexual initiation as an invitation. 

She provides an interesting example that often doesn't work for couples who haven't had sex in a while where one partner, who is anxious about initiating sex says something like, "Gee, we haven't had sex in a while. You don't wanna do it, do you?" in a half-hearted way.

Not only is this awkward for both people, it's also not much an invitation at all.

As a comparison, she mentions that most people wouldn't invite a friend out to dinner in a similarly half-hearted way, "Gee we haven't seen each other in a while. You wouldn't wanna go out to dinner, would you?"

Instead, if you wanted to see your friend and you looked forward to having dinner with them, you would be a lot more enthusiastic. Aside from providing a more enthusiastic invitation, you might tell your friend about the great new Italian restaurant in the neighborhood with delicious ravioli as a way to entice them to go.

Similarly, your invitation to your partner needs to be enticing and also make them feel sexually desirable and turned on (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? - Part 1 and Part 2).

Clinical Vignette: A Couple With Different Sexual Initiation Styles

The following clinical scenario is based on a composite of cases with all identifying information removed. The scenario illustrates how each partner learns about their own and their partner's sexual initiation style in sex therapy and how this improves their sex life:

Nina and John

A year into their relationship, after the new relationship energy had worn off, Nina and John began having sexual problems.

During the first several months of their relationship, they both felt sexually passionate so it didn't matter who initiated or how they initiated because they were both eager to have sex with each other all the time.

This initial phase of a relationship is called the limerence phase--an involuntary period when two people are infatuated and often obsessed with each other.  Generally, the limerence phase lasts anywhere from three months to two years.

After Nina and John moved in together and they had more mundane concerns, like who cleans the bathroom and who takes out the garbage. Seeing each other everyday and dealing with the realities of everyday life caused the sexual energy between them to cool down--as it does for most couples after the limerence phase.

Both of them were in their mid-30s and neither of them had ever been in a long term relationship before, so they never experienced what it was like to go beyond the limerence phase of a relationship.

After a year, sex was awkward between them. Nina often felt exhausted late at night and she resented when John would tap on her thigh when they were in bed together late at night as a way to initiate sex.

Most of the time, Nina would tell John she was just too tired. But on those occasions when she agreed to have sex, she wasn't turned on at all. She just went along with it to please him--hoping that he would have an orgasm so she could go to sleep.  

John was aware that Nina wasn't turned on and this made him anxious. Sometimes the anxiety and the feeling that Nina didn't want him sexually would cause him to lose his erection due to his sexual anxiety (see my article: How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety).

So, due to feeling rejected and anxious and a fear of losing his erection, John rushed through sex as quickly as he could. He didn't engage in any foreplay because he knew that Nina wanted to just get it over with so she could go to sleep.

Afterwards, they each laid in bed feeling empty and alone before they drifted off to sleep.  Since they didn't know how to talk to each other about sex, the problem worsened over time.

Eventually, after a few months went by without sex, John summoned the courage to tell Nina that they needed to get help in sex therapy for their problem.  He was relieved when Nina agreed.

After the initial family and sexual history taking phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist explained the limerence phase and how sex tends to be less spontaneous and passionate than it was before. 

She also explained that, based on how each of them described their sexuality, Nina experienced responsive sexual desire and John experienced spontaneous sexual desire, which was a big part of the problem between them (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

Then, their sex therapist went over their typical sex script, which didn't vary much from one sexual encounter to the next, and Nina and John both began to realize why sex wasn't working for them (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Over time, Nina and John learned what turned each of them on and what turned each of them off (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

John realized that Nina just went along with sex because she was usually too tired when he initiated sex late at night and she wasn't turned on.

Nina realized when John saw that she was just trying to get it over with, he felt anxious and rejected.

As they continued to attend their sex therapy sessions, they both learned how they each liked sex to be initiated.

Nina realized she needed to feel emotionally connected to John first before she became sexually aroused because her style was "Connect With Me." She told John that she needed to re-establish the emotional connection with him when they both got home from work before feeling comfortable enough to enjoy sex.  

She also needed to have sex earlier in the evening. And, like most women, she didn't have an orgasm from just sexual intercourse--she needed clitoral stimulation (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Women and Men).

John realized that he was more of a "Touch Me" sexual style.  All he needed was Nina to touch him--even in a non-sexual way--and that touch combined with his spontaneous sexual desire was enough to get him turned on if he knew Nina wanted to have sex.  They were also able to talk about those times when he felt anxious about initiating with her and how that resulted in his loss of an erection.

Their sex therapist encouraged John and Nina to change their sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Since Nina needed more time to get sexually aroused, the sex therapist encouraged John to slow down, take the time to connect with Nina after they both got home from work and allow  sexual foreplay to take precedence over intercourse (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).  

She encouraged John and Nina to be more playful in their sexual exploration and not to assume that their initial attempts would be successful right away.

After a while, John was still primarily the one who initiated sex, which both he and Nina didn't mind.  But he was much more aware of what Nina needed in terms of his sexual initiation to feel sexually turned on.  He spent more time with sexual foreplay, including oral sex. 

Combining Sexual Initiation Styles

And, once she was turned on, Nina enjoyed engaging in John's preferred "Touch Me" style.  On days when she initiated sex, Nina was able to ask John to cuddle and talk with her first before she did what she knew got him turned on, including oral sex.

When John felt how much Nina wanted him, he no longer felt anxious and rejected so he didn't have erectile problems.

Although it might sound like they were able to resolve their sexual problems in a short time, in reality, discovering your own and your partner's sexual likes and dislikes takes time. 

For many couples just being able to talk about sex is a major obstacle to overcome.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more enjoyable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Responsive Sexual Arousal

This is the second part of a series about sexual arousal types.  The prior article was Understanding Your Sexual Arousal Type: Spontaneous Arousal.   

Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

As I mentioned in my prior article, both spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal are normal.  But since spontaneous sexual arousal is most often portrayed in movies and TV programs, many people believe that responsive arousal is abnormal.  This includes people who often come to sex therapy believing they have either low libido or there's something else wrong with them.

As a result, responsive sexual arousal is usually misunderstood, so it's worth spending some time to discuss it here.

One caveat: For a variety of reasons, sexual arousal type isn't always constant.  It can change over time in different contexts, with age, with different people and during different phases of a relationship.  

Characteristics of People with Responsive Sexual Arousal

If you're unsure as to whether you experience spontaneous or responsive sexual arousal, you can take a look at the characteristics of the spontaneous type in the prior article and compare it to the characteristics described below for the responsive type and see which one resonates with you.

The responsive type tends to experience sexual arousal:

• As a reaction to a sexual stimulus

• Within an erotic context

• By experiencing a willingness to have sex with a partner  

A willingness to have sex means starting to have sex before experiencing sexual arousal and then experiencing sexual arousal as a result of getting sexually involved (see my article: For People With a Responsive Sexual Arousal Type, a Willingness to Have Sex is Often Enough to Get Sexually Aroused - Part 1 and Part 2).  

It's important to note that a willingness to have sex doesn't mean that someone is forcing themselves to have nonconsensual sex. 

Instead, a willingness to have sex means that people with responsive arousal know that they'll get sexually turned on eventually as a result of engaging in consensual sex, including kissing, cuddling or whatever gets them turned on. 

This is different from the spontaneous arousal type where arousal often begins with thinking about sex which leads to getting physically turned on.  

For the responsive arousal type, they need to experience it physically first before they get mentally turned on.  This is why starting sexual activities on a physical level eventually gets them turned on mentally.

It's not unusual for people with the responsive type to recognize during or even after sex that they got turned on.  So they might reflect to themselves after sex, "This was good. I enjoyed this.  We should do this more often."

Relationships Where People Have Different Sexual Arousal Types

It's very common for people in a relationship to have different sexual arousal types.  One person might have a spontaneous type and the other might have a responsive type (see the prior article for clinical vignettes illustrating these differences).

A discrepancy in arousal type is one of the most common reasons why people seek help in sex therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

The person who unknowingly experiences responsive arousal often thinks that they have low libido or no libido, especially when they compare themselves to their partner with spontaneous arousal.  

But responsive arousal isn't low libido.  It's just a different way of getting sexually turned on.  So, when people with responsive arousal realize this, they're often relieved.  Then, they can focus on what to do sexually so they and their partners both get turned on.

Clinical Vignette: Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how sex therapy can help a couple where they believe one of them has low libido when, in fact, she really has responsive sexual arousal.

Anna

When Anna began sex therapy, she told her sex therapist she felt discouraged about her so-called "low libido" and she worried about the effect this was having on her two year relationship with Mick.  

She told her sex therapist that when she and Mick first got together, they had a passionate sex life.  She remembered that just the anticipation of seeing each other was enough to get them both sexually excited.

But after the first six months, although Mick continued to be enthusiastic about having sex, Anna's sexual interest waned for reasons she didn't understand.

She told her therapist that she often rejected Mick's sexual advances because she "just wasn't in the mood."  She didn't understand what happened and told her therapist, "I feel broken."

As part of the sex therapy assessment, her sex therapist explored Anna's family, relationship and sexual histories in detail over the next few sessions.  

The sex therapist explained sexual arousal types, including spontaneous and responsive types, and she emphasized that both types are normal.  

She told Anna that she wasn't broken--she just experienced arousal in a different way after the initial excitement related to the early stage of the relationship.  

She explained to Anna that the early stage of a relationship usually includes new relationship energy (NRE) where people feel a rush of dopamine and oxytocin, but NRE wears off anywhere from a few months to a few years.  

After NRE subsides, she explained, the initial excitement subsides and it becomes evident that one person might have a responsive type of sexual arousal, which seemed to be the case with Anna.

Based on Anna's sexual history, the sex therapist evaluated that Anna did not have low libido.  She told Anna that responsive sexual arousal often gets mistaken for low libido.  Then, she suggested, since Anna didn't have a sexual problem, that Anna invite Mick to join her in sex therapy sessions so they could work on their different experiences of arousal together as a couple.

Working together in sex therapy, Anna and Mick learned how they each experienced sexual arousal as individuals and what they needed to do to have good sex together (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

As part of their sex therapy, they explored their sexual memories of being together when they first started seeing each other.  One thing they both agreed upon was that during the early days the anticipation of knowing they would be sexual was a powerful aphrodisiac for both of them (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

They also learned about their particular sex script as a couple and what changes they could make so sex would be more pleasurable for both of them (see my article: Relationships: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Their sex therapist provided them with psychoeducation about emotional aphrodisiacs and helped them to increase the erotic energy between them by building longing and anticipation into their sexual activities.  

One way they accomplished this was they planned to have sex at least a few days in advance.

At first, Anna and Mick thought that planning to have sex would be unsexy.  This was because they were both stuck on the idea that hot sex should happen spontaneously and effortlessly like the way they saw it portrayed on TV and in movies.  But they soon learned that planning to have sex could be very sexy.  

During the days before they planned to have sex, each of them allowed themselves to have sexual fantasies about what they wanted to do sexually.  

They also learned how to be sexually playful with each other leading up to the day they planned to have sex by sending sexy texts messages to each other and playfully teasing each other in other ways.  This helped to build sexual tension, longing and anticipation for each of them.

Understanding Responsive Sexual Arousal

Anna and Mick became aware that if they both slowed down and spent more time engaging in foreplay, sex was more pleasurable for both of them (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse).

By the end of sex therapy, Anna no longer felt broken. Both she and Mick developed a better understanding of spontaneous and responsive sexual arousal and what they each needed to get turned on, so sex became exciting again for both of them.

Conclusion

Everyone is different when it comes to how they experience sexual arousal.

It's not unusual for each person in a relationship to experience discrepancies in sexual arousal, but if each person understands what the other needs to feel sexually aroused, these discrepancies can be worked out in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is for individual adults and people in relationships.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. It doesn't involve any nudity, physical exams or sex during sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex even with their partners, and sex therapy can people to get comfortable so they can communicate about sex more effectively (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

A skilled sex therapist can also help you to discover your sexual arousal type as well as your sex script so you can make changes to have a more satisfying sex life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.