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This article was updated on September 15, 2026.
BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Sadomasochism) is consensual sex that involves dominance, submission and control (see my article: What is Power Play?).
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| What is Bratting? |
The archetype of the "brat" within consensual BDSM and kink subcultures is often deeply misunderstood, frequently reduced to pop-culture caricatures or surface-level defiance. In clinical sex therapy, however, "brat play" is recognized as a highly sophisticated, deeply intimate relationship dynamic anchored in radical trust. While a traditional submissive role may emphasize quiet compliance, a brat intentionally utilizes playful resistance and boundary-testing to spark a consensual power struggle with their dominant partner. To understand what it truly means to be a brat, we must look past the superficial rebellion and examine the intricate psychological interplay of tension, safety, and erotic attunement.
Demystifying the Brat Submissive Role
To navigate this dynamic safely, it helps to break down the core components of this specific kink identity:
- The Playful Defiance: Consensually pushing a partner's buttons to elicit a controlled, desired authoritative reaction.
- The Underlying Security: Using outward resistance as a paradoxical way to confirm the dominant partner’s strength, commitment, and emotional safety.
- The Communication Loop: Relying on heightened verbal and non-verbal feedback systems to ensure the power struggle remains entirely safe, sane, and consensual.
One partner takes on the dominant role and the other partner takes on the submissive role or some people are "switches" which means they can be in either the dominant or submissive role at various times (see my articles: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship? and Are You Curious About Exploring a Sub-Dom Relationship?).
Some partners enter into these roles only while having sex and others live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7.
An important part of BDSM is that everyone involved negotiates the activities and willingly and enthusiastically consents to all activities (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).
According to a 2016 study, approximately 60% of men and 47% of women fantasize about BDSM (see my article: Sexual Fantasies of Power and Submission in Relationships).
BDSM is practiced across different ages, races, ethnicities and genders, and it's slightly more prevalent among people in the LGBTQ spectrum.
What is Light BDSM?
BDSM activities are on a continuum.
Beginners often start with light BDSM, which can include:
- Light spanking
- Light restraints/handcuffs
- Scarf or tie bondage/rope play
- Hair pulling
- Role plays
What Does Being a "Brat" Mean in BDSM?
Some submissives are known as "brats."
Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting."
If you have a playful, naughty and mischievous side and you enjoy being a brat, you're embracing and expressing a natural part of your personality with a dominant partner who enjoys this kind of play.
You can be as imaginative as you and your partner want to be with BDSM which means you can have fun and be creative.
A brat intentionally misbehaves with their dominant partner to get a rise out of them.
Brats often challenge their dominant partner by saying challenging things like, "Make me!" or "Oh really?" in a playful mocking tone when their dom tells them to do something.
The intention, although fun and playful, is to defy the dom's authority initially, which can be very erotic for both partners.
Being a brat in BDSM is known as "bratting" for subs who have this kink.
For many subs, being a brat is a known part of their personality. Other submissives discover their bratty side during BDSM play.
What Are Examples of Bratty Behavior?
The following are some lighthearted bratty behaviors that subs exhibit towards their dominant partners:
This can involve:
- Back Talk:
- Talking back
- Questioning
- Resisting
- Refusing
- Teasing or taunting
- Responding to the dominant are taunts such as "Oh yeah? Make me."
- Engaging in other similar bratty behavior
- Push Back: These are small challenges to the dom that are fun and not contentious. Push back is often a way for a sub to get the "punishment" they're looking for, which is consented to, never mean, and negotiated beforehand. An example would be a sub provoking a spanking from the dom. However, not all brats want physical punishment, so this is a matter of individual preference.
What is the Dom's Role in Bratting?
Within the playful and erotic dynamic between the sub and the dom, there's a style of dominance known as the "brat tamer."
Once again, this is done with negotiation and enthusiastic consent beforehand from everyone involved.
Generally, the role of the brat tamer is to remind the brat about the rules and to enforce the rules which they both agreed to beforehand.
The dom must be comfortable being in control, dealing with the brat's taunts, and putting the brat in his or her place.
How to Engage in Brat Play in a Safe and Consensual Way
BDSM doesn't appeal to everyone and that's okay and, even among BDSM practitioners, brat play doesn't appeal to everyone.
If you're curious about exploring brat play, you want to do it in a safe and consensual way (see my article: The 4Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).
At the very least, you want to:
- Educate Yourself Beforehand: There are now plenty of websites, such as Beducated or OMGYes, that provide sex education about BDSM and all types of sexual activities. By educating yourself beforehand, you'll be better informed about what you and your partner might like before you try it.
- Communicate and Talk About Consent: Before you engage in BDSM, you and your partner might want to use BDSM fantasies as part of your sexual activities before you actually try BDSM. You also want to make sure that you're both negotiating and consenting to all activities, using a safe word, and engaging in aftercare afterwards (see my article: The 4 Cs of Safe and Enjoyable Sex).
- Be Creative and Have Fun: If you think you both would enjoy brat play or any other type of BDSM, you can start slowly, have fun and gradually become more creative over time.
Getting Help in Sex Therapy
Some people seek help in sex therapy when they want to expand their sex script, whether expanding their sex script involves BDSM or any other type of sexual activities.
Sex therapy is form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)
There is no nudity, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).
Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
If you are looking to navigate kink dynamics or explore power struggles safely, I provide specialized, clinical sex therapy for individuals and couples. I am a certified sex therapist accepting clients at my practice in New York City [or via telehealth across New York State].
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.
I see clients in person in my Greenwich Village office in New York City or online.
You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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