Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

Shame is a painful emotion which is part of a deep sense of being flawed, unworthy and unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame

Shame often stems from early childhood experiences of trauma including abuse and emotional neglect (see my article: What is the Difference Between Childhood Abuse and Neglect?).

Shame is feeling bad about who you are as opposed to guilt which is feeling bad about something you did (see my article: Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame).

Core Concepts About Shame

• Childhood/Developmental Trauma: Abuse, neglect and punitive parenting often leads to long lasting feelings of inadequacy.

• The Internal Critic: Negative messages from parents and other authority figures are internalized. This creates the internal critic which devalues the individual and makes them feel ashamed of themself (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

• Cultural Expectations: An inability to meet cultural, societal or religious expectations can create feelings of shame.

• Fear of Disconnection: Shame is a response to the fear of being rejected by others. 

• Trauma and Mental Health: Shame is a common outcome of trauma. Shame is also at the root of many other mental health issues (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

• Social Media and Comparison: Social media can fuel shame through constant comparisons with regard to perceived shortcomings about looks, success or other issues (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

How is Self Acceptance an Antidote to Shame?

Self acceptance is an antidote to shame because it can dismantle a harsh inner critic as well as feelings of isolation and inadequacy.

By developing self acceptance you can overcome the toxic effects of shame.

You can also develop emotional resilience to develop a kinder, more loving relationship with yourself.

How to Develop Self Acceptance

There are many ways you can develop self acceptance including:

• Focusing on your strengths (see my article: Focusing on Your Strengths).

• Journaling to increase your self awareness and self compassion

• Develop an external perspective: Ask yourself what your best friend would say about you

• Meditation: Mindfulness meditation can help to deepen self awareness and compassion

Getting Help in Therapy

If self help strategies aren't working for you, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

By working through unresolved trauma related to your feelings of shame, you can free yourself of your traumatic history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City and online.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating and Relationships: How to Stop Being Someone's Backup Plan (AKA: A Second Choice)

This article was updated on September 15, 2026.

Being treated as a relationship backup plan occurs when a partner keeps you around as a secondary option while prioritizing someone else. While unrequited feelings are a common part of the dating app experience, establishing a repetitive pattern of being a second choice signals a need to break unhealthy relationship cycles. Adjusting your dating patterns and raising your baseline boundaries allows you to pivot from being an option to a priority.

Stop Being Someone's Backup Plan

What Are the Signs That You Might Be Someone's Backup Plan?

• It's Difficult to Get Their Attention: If someone shows little interest in you when you first start dating, they might not see you as #1 because they're hoping to be with someone else. Maybe the one they want to be with is in another relationship and the person you're dating is hoping they will become available. Or, they're seeing you "for now" until someone else they consider "better" comes along.  Along the way, they might string you along by breadcrumbing you with just enough attention to keep you simmering on the backburner (see my article: A Vignette About Breadcrumbing).

• You Initiate Most of the Contact and Any Effort to Move the Relationship Forward: Maybe they text you sporadically and their texts are superficial and vague.  Even though they say they want to see you, it's hard to pin them down to specific plans. They might make vague references to being busy, but you don't really know what's going on in their life. They're making little or no effort to move the relationship along and any efforts to do so are made by you. Not only is this disheartening, but it could also be a sign you're not a priority.

• They Cancel Plans a Lot: Even when they make plans with you, they tend to cancel a lot. Once again, their explanations are vague ("I'm too busy" or "Something came up"). This could be a sign that the person they really want to be with has become available and they prefer to spend time with that person. Whatever the reason for their frequent cancellations, you sense you're not a priority for them.

• They See You at Their Convenience: When you do see each other, it's at their convenience. It might be a last minute plan as if it's an afterthought on their part. They don't take your schedule into consideration and, if you can't make it, they don't seem disappointed. This can be another sign that you're not a priority to them.

• They Don't Like Labels: When you try to discuss where things stand between you, you're told that they don't like labels. They might tell you something like, "Why do we have to put a label on this?" or "Why don't we just see where this goes?" But deep down you sense it's not going anywhere because they're stringing you along.

• You Walk on Eggshells Because You're Worried They'll Leave You if You Call Them Out on Their Behavior: You can see clearly that you're not a priority to them, but you're afraid to point this out because you're worried they'll stop seeing you. You keep hoping you'll become their priority, but it's not happening and you're compromising your sense of self worth.

• You've Been Dating For a While, But You Haven't Met Their Friends or Family: If you have been dating them for a while and you haven't met their friends or family, this could be a sign you're their backup plan. They might not want to introduce you to friends or family because they're waiting for someone else to come along.

How to Stop Being Their Backup Plan

• Develop Self Awareness: Although it might be painful to admit to yourself that you're not a priority to the person who is a priority to you, you owe it to yourself to become aware of the telltale signs that you're someone's backup plan. If you're not sure, talk it over with a trusted friend who can be more objective than you.

• Ask Yourself Why You're Putting Up With Their Behavior: It's one thing for them to treat you like you're not a priority and it's another thing for you to allow it. Is your willingness to put up with this behavior related to your family history or a history of unhealthy relationships? Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else if you leave this relationship? This can be a hard step to take, but it's essential for you to be honest with yourself if you want to stop being treated like you're not important. 

• Call Out Their Behavior: If you're in a situation where they're doing the least they can do just to keep stringing you along, you need to call out this manipulative behavior. If you hesitate because you're afraid you might lose them, ask yourself, "What would I really be losing?"

• Reflect on Your Choices: If you find yourself in this type of situation over and over again, you're probably repeating an unconscious pattern (see my article: Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again).

• Respect Yourself and Your Own Needs: If you're okay with a casual relationship where you get together once in a while, you might not be bothered by being someone's second choice. But if you want to be in a serious relationship, you need to acknowledge and respect your own needs. Make it clear that you're not going to wait around for them and if they continue to treat you like a second choice, move on.

• Get Help in Therapy: Although you might realize you're repeating certain patterns, you might not know how to change these patterns on your own. A licensed mental health professional can help you to identify the patterns and, more importantly, help you to change them so you don't keep repeating them.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village, New York City and online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

This article was updated on September 16, 2026.

Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is an empirically validated framework designed to repair relational distress by restructuring core attachment bonds. Today, this internationally recognized approach is utilized across specialized clinics, hospitals, and private practices globally—supported by training bodies like the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) and local networks such as the New York Center for Emotionally Focused Therapy (NYCEFT). As a licensed mental health professional in the Greater New York area, I use EFT to help couples move from chronic conflict cycles into deep, secure emotional safety.

 

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?

What Are the Stages in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT)?

There are three stages of EFT Couple Therapy:

• Stage 1: De-Escalation:  As part of the first stage of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT couple therapist begins by assessing the couple's interaction style, which cause conflicts.  She also helps the couple to identify the negative cycle/attachment emotions, and frames the problem based on the cycle, attachment needs and fears.

• Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond and Changing Interaction Patterns:  During the second stage of EFT Couple Therapy, the EFT therapist assists each person in the relationship to voice his or her attachment needs and deep emotions.  The EFT therapist coaches each person on how to express acceptance and compassion for the other partner's attachment needs and deep emotions.  Each member of the couple is also coached in how to express his or her own attachment needs and emotions and how to discuss the issues that are causing conflicts.

• Stage 3: Consolidation:  The EFT couple therapist coaches the couple on how to use new communication styles to talk about their problems and come up with new solutions.  The couple also learns to use the skills they learned in EFT couple therapy so they create and use new interaction patterns after they leave EFT couple therapy.

Conclusion
EFT Couples Therapy is a well-researched method that helps couples to improve their relationship.  It has been studied extensively and shown to be effective.

EFT Couples Therapy was developed by Sue Johnson, and it is based on attachment theory, Rogerian therapy, and a theory of adult bonding.

Although the stages are presented in a linear way in this article, in reality, just like any other form of therapy, the process isn't always linear.

Since the couple is coached to identify and change the negative cycle in their relationship, they learn to stop blaming each other.  Instead, they learn that there are "no bad guys"--just a negative cycle that they can learn to change.

Getting Help For Your Relationship in EFT Couple Therapy
If you and your spouse or partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you can get help from an EFT couples therapist.

Your EFT couples therapist can help you to restructure the bond in your relationship so you change the negative cycle, express your emotional needs and gain acceptance and compassion for your partner's and your own emotional needs.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, EFT couple therapist, AEDP, EMDR, IFS therapist, Hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village in New York City and online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
What Happens in Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy?

Stage One of EFT Couple Therapy: A Clinical Example

EFT Couple Counseling Helps Couples to Move Beyond Reactive Emotions and Destructive Arguing Cycles

What Happens During Stage Two of EFT Couple Therapy?

Stage Two of EFT Couple Counseling: A Clinical Example

Why Does EFT For Couples Focus on Emotions?

EFT For Couples: The Importance of Primary Emotions to Improve Your Relationship

EFT Couple Therapy - Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Stuck

EFT Couple Counseling: New Bonding Can Replace a Negative Cycle in Your Relationship 

How EFT Couple Therapy Can Help You to Improve Your Relationship). 

Dating vs Being in a Relationship: Take Time to Get to Know Each Other

This article was updated on September 16, 2026.

As a licensed psychotherapist in New York City, I frequently observe a modern romance phenomenon: couples rushing into committed partnerships long before they truly know one another. Within just a few weeks of meeting, many singles bypass the exploration stage and immediately declare themselves exclusive, leading to predictable relationship conflict down the road. Understanding the structural shift between dating vs. being in a relationship is crucial to building lasting intimacy rather than rushing into premature commitment.

Dating versus Being in a Relationship

Are You Filling in the Blanks Based on Your Fantasy?

When you jump into a committed relationship with someone you hardly know, you usually fill in the blanks about that person based on the fantasy you want. Often, people don't even realize that this is what they're doing until they're surprised to discover something about this person they didn't know and don't like. Then, they're disappointed and wonder how this happened. But the truth is that they didn't really know the other person hardly at all before they rushed into the relationship.

Taking Time to Get to Know Someone Before Getting into a Relationship

My grandmother used to use an expression that my cousins and I used to laugh at called "keeping company." It was sort of the equivalent of dating, but maybe a little more serious. This quaint expression meant that two people were interested in one another and romantically involved. Usually, at that point, they would have met each other's families and it was assumed that they were not seeing anyone else. The next step, if there was going to be a next step, would be that they would get engaged.

While I'm not definitely suggesting that we go back to how things were in my grandmother's day when it comes to relationships (there was a lot that was prudish and oppressive), I see certain advantages to people taking their time and dating for a while before they define themselves as a couple.

How long is "a while"? Well, I think it takes at least a year, ideally two years, before you can get to know someone well enough to have some idea if you're compatible. Of course, you might say it could take a lifetime to get to know someone, and I wouldn't disagree with you. Most of us know couples who thought they knew each other well and then after 25 years discover that they don't.

My point is that the purpose of dating is to take the time to get to know each other over a period of time, seeing each other in all kinds of circumstances (not just over candlelight where everyone looks good) and making a decision based on reality and not fantasies.

Getting to Know Each Other to Establish a Foundation for a Stable Relationship

So, before you hire that U-Haul to move your stuff into the other person's apartment after just a few weeks or months, get to know him or her better. If it's not going to work out, it's better to know in the let's-get-to-know-each-other dating phase than after you call yourselves a couple. If it's going to work out, you'll have built a good foundation for a stable relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Dating and relationships can be challenging.

If you are struggling to understand dating and relationships, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Working through the challenging issues can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services, including talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village in New York City and online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  

Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problems Making a Commitment?