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This article was updated on October 18, 2026.
In my recent clinical articles exploring intimate wellness, I have focused on the foundational concepts found in the book Sex Talks by author Vanessa Marin. In her work, she introduces an invaluable somatic tool called the "Sex Drive Simmer." This clinical technique holds immense potential for unlocking and sustaining natural desire for both individual adults and people in relationships.
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| An abstract visualization of sustained light beams representing continuous, simmering somatic energy and intimate desire. Greenwich Village, NYC certified sex therapist Josephine Ferraro, LCSW (10011). |
I have broken down how this technique works, how to tap into your underlying life-force energy, and how to practice this framework safely to transform your relational well-being in the sections below.
What is Intimate Vitality and Energy?
Before diving into the specifics of the simmering technique, it is essential to define what intimate energy truly is. Most people automatically associate this energy with the immediate physical tension that arises between two partners.
While that is certainly one expression of it, it is far from the only definition, and it is not the primary focus of this therapeutic approach.
Your intimate energy is quite literally your core life force. It is a vital somatic energy that directly fuels your daily vitality, creative expression, emotional resilience, and overall psychological well-being.
When we learn to develop this internal spark, we are not just preparing for physical connection--we are revitalizing our entire mind-body system.
Grounding Practices to Connect with Your Bodily Energy
To consciously connect with your internal vitality, you must first develop a deep, mindful awareness of yourself and learn to track how energy moves through your nervous system.
The Body Scan Practice
One of the most effective ways to build this somatic awareness is through a structured body scan. Dedicate a quiet, uninterrupted space for five to ten minutes daily:
- Grounding: Begin by closing your eyes and utilizing square breathing (inhaling, holding, exhaling, and pausing for equal counts) to calm your heart rate and ground your nervous system.
- Tracking: Direct your internal focus to the crown of your head, slowly sweeping your awareness down through your jaw, neck, shoulders, torso, and limbs. Notice precisely where your body is holding onto residual tension or bracing patterns.
- Energy Awareness: As you scan, pay close attention to the subtle energetic currents within. With daily practice, you will begin to notice how your internal energy ebbs, flows, and shifts across different hours of the day.
Developing this level of tracking requires consistency. In general, your ability to detect, expand, and sustain this vital energy is based on your overall health.
True somatic readiness relies on how well you care for yourself through nutrient-dense foods, restorative sleep, and regular movement that honors your body's current capacity.
Unpacking the Simmer Technique
In Sex Talks, Vanessa Marin introduces a paradigm shift regarding desire. Instead of waiting to generate an intimate spark immediately before connecting with your partner, she recommends initiating the "simmer" right after an intimate encounter, consciously maintaining that subtle energetic warmth until the next time you connect.
For example, if you and your partner share an intimate morning together on a Sunday, you would focus on gently holding onto a low-level awareness of that physical closeness and erotic energy throughout the week, rather than letting the connection drop completely to zero.
This stands in direct contrast to what many couples experiencing intimacy challenges tend to do. Typically, partners wait until they are in the bedroom to try to switch on their desire from a completely cold or neutral state. When desire is already an issue in the relationship, this "all-or-nothing" approach frequently sets the couple up for frustration.
To illustrate this, Marin compares building desire to boiling water on a stove. If you start with ice-cold water, it requires immense time, energy, and effort to bring it to a boil. However, if the water is already sitting on a low, gentle simmer, it takes only a moment to bring it to full, vibrant warmth. By maintaining a baseline thread of somatic connection between encounters, stepping back into shared intimacy becomes natural and fluid.
Clinical Strategies to Keep the Erotic Energy Simmering
Everyone's baseline blueprint for desire is unique. Your internal spark will respond differently depending on your personal emotional turn-ons and whether you naturally experience responsive desire or spontaneous desire (both are normal).
There is no rigid formula for this practice; it is entirely dependent on what brings you genuine fulfillment.
While I do not recommend specific physical routines without evaluating a client or couple individually in my private practice, the following frameworks represent concepts that have successfully helped many couples sex therapy clients develop somatic awareness and sustain long-term desire:
1. Somatic Movement and Physical Core Awareness
For some individuals, keeping their internal energy alive involves engaging in targeted core stability exercises, such as planks, bridges, or pelvic floor engagement. Always consult with your primary physician before beginning any new physical regimen. Certain individuals find that toning and strengthening the core muscle groups directly increases blood flow and neurological sensitivity in the pelvic bowl, allowing them to feel a more distinct, grounded connection to their physical vitality during the day.
2. Psychological and Creative Refocusing
Other individuals sustain the simmer through intentional psychological focus. This might involve dedicating time to reflect on your favorite personal fantasies, remembering past peak experiences of deep connection, or maintaining a private, written erotic journal. Recording your peak memories and positive associations allows you to anchor those experiences in your mind, keeping the internal spark gently bubbling beneath the surface without the immediate pressure to achieve a specific physical outcome or climax.
3. Developing Somatic Anticipation
Somatic anticipation is a powerful psychological tool. In relationship therapy, I often invite partners to reframe the concept of a planned intimacy date. Initially, many couples resist scheduling a specific time for closeness, fearing it will feel mechanical or forced.
The clinical reframe is to treat the scheduled date as an intentional dedicated time and space for anticipation. Instead of dreading the day, partners learn to look forward to the time with a sense of playful longing and shared mystery.
However, no one wants to engage in physical connection that does not feel entirely safe, comfortable, and fulfilling.
If your relationship is currently navigating deep hurdles—such as physical discomfort, significant intimacy anxiety, unresolved trauma or communication breakdowns—these foundational issues must be gently addressed and unpacked in a clinical setting before attempting to schedule shared dates.
👤 Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist and Trauma Specialist
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, trauma specialist and certified sex therapist with over 25 years of clinical experience.
I am also an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Couples Therapist.
I see individual adults and people in relationships in my psychotherapy private practice located at 412 Avenue of the Americas (6th Avenue), Greenwich Village, Manhattan, New York, NY 10011.
With regard to trauma therapy, my approach is experiential and I have advanced skills in:
- Attachment Focused-EMDR Therapy
- Somatic Experiencing Therapy
- IFS Parts Work Therapy
- AEDP Psychotherapy
- Clinical Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy)
I offer a complimentary 15 minute phone call before setting up an initial appointment.
Contact Me
You can contact me:
You can contact me:
🌐 Visit My Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist
✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com
📞 Call: (917) 742-2624 (during standard business hours)
