How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

No wants to be rejected. Being rejected can feel humiliating, and fear of rejection often makes people compare themselves unfavorable to others. They tell themselves they're unlovable, not attractive enough, and generally not good enough (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety).

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

This stops them from putting themselves out there--even when they really want to date or be in a relationship (see my article: Relationships: Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection).

How to Flirt Without Being Creepy When You Fear Rejection

Most people don't come of age learning how to flirt.  Usually, there are no classes in school on how to flirt or even how to develop good social skills.  So these skills often feel elusive--as if everyone else knows how to do it and you don't.  But you can overcome your fear of rejection and learn to flirt in a non-creepy way.

What is Creepy Flirting?

A narcissistic player or womanizer, who mistreats women by manipulating and using them sexually, is an obvious creep.  He has a sexual goal in mind and he uses flirting and playful teasing as a way to disarm women and manipulate them into sleeping with him (see my articles: What is Sexual Narcissism - Part 1 and Part 2).

Creepy Flirting

He might hide his lack of confidence and fear of rejection beneath his narcissism long enough for a brief sexual encounter. Then, after he makes his sexual conquest, he moves on to the next woman because his sexual needs are often insatiable.  

But there are other kinds of creepy flirting, so let's focus on some tips for non-creepy flirting when you have a fear of rejection.

Tips For Non-Creepy Flirting When You Fear Rejection

Creepy flirting, whether it's intentional or not, makes the other person feel uncomfortable, unsafe and wary of you. 

These tips apply regardless of sex, gender, age, race or sexual orientation.

• Be Aware and Respect the Other Person's Personal Boundaries: There are physical, emotional and sexual boundaries. When you're trying to meet someone or flirt with them, you need to be able to read their body language and pick up on social cues so you don't violate their boundaries.

• Physical boundaries: 
• Personal space includes the need not to feel physically impinged upon
• Comfort or discomfort with physical touch
• A need to be left alone

Be Aware and Respect Boundaries

• Emotional boundaries:
• Feelings, including the need not to engage with you or explain why they don't want to engage with you
• Energy, including the need not to expend energy in meeting you

• Sexual boundaries: 
• Consent: This means you're being given enthusiastic consent
• Agreement: You know the other person is in complete agreement with you
• An understanding of preferences, desires and privacy: You're sure you understand the other person's preferences and if they just want to be left alone

• Don't Stare at Them: Staring makes people feel uncomfortable. So, be aware, even if you're not trying to make the other person feel uncomfortable, not to stare at them.  A glance from you to gauge their interest is different from staring.  If they reciprocate with a smile, smile back and assess the situation as to whether you can approach or not.  If you approach and the other person signals they're not interested, smile and walk away. Don't continue to look at them because then you're crossing a personal boundary.

• Respect How the Other Person Responds to You: Assuming you're aware of the other person's personal boundaries, you read their body language correctly, and you have approached them in a respectful way:

• Listen to What They Say: Non-creepy flirting means you don't persist in trying to flirt or be friendly when they've said they're not interested.  Also, don't take it personally because it might not be about you.  It might just be about how they're feeling at the moment or some other issue.  

Listen to What She Says

• Don't Follow Them: Whether they've responded positively or negatively, don't follow them.  Following them is definitely creepy behavior and could be considered stalking. If they respond positively and you want to ask them out for coffee, ask--don't assume.  

• Don't Pursue Them on Social Media: In addition to not following them in person, don't follow them on social media unless you have their consent. This means you don't text them on social media sites without asking first.  

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

Now that we've covered the basics in terms of not violating boundaries or acting creepy, let's focus on your fear of rejection.

• Flirting is Not About You.  It's About the Other Person: One way to flirt when you fear rejection is to focus on the other person instead of putting your expectations on them.  This means you're focusing on how to make them feel good in a genuine way while you're reading their body language, social cues and all the other factors discussed above.  

• Smile and Be Friendly: Smiling and being friendly is very different from being creepy.  Don't open with a come-on line like Joey Tribbiani of Friends ("How you doin'").  Keep it simple.  You can ask a simple question about if they usually come to this place, but if they don't respond in a friendly manner or you sense they're uncomfortable, move on and leave them alone.

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection: Smile and Be Friendly

• Don't Focus on Flirting as a Means to an End: Most people flirt so they can get the other person's telephone number, ask them out on a date or get them to have sex with them.  But this is how you set yourself up for rejection. If that's your focus, the person you're interested in might be put off by it.  So, remember: Flirting isn't about you. It's about the other person.  Instead of asking for their telephone number, you can give them your number if they seem receptive.  But don't make a big deal out of it by asking when they'll call or when you'll see them again.

• Use a Sense of Humor: Assuming the other person is receptive to talking to you and you have gotten past the initial stage of introducing yourself, you can use a sense of humor to ease this interaction and have fun.  Once again, you're doing this without an ulterior motive of getting them to go out on a date or have sex with you. Only do this if you know how to use humor to flirt.  If it makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable to be funny, don't do it because your awkwardness will probably make the other person feel uncomfortable too (see my article:  A Good Sense of Humor Can Be Sexually Attractive).

• Know When to Back Off If It's Not Going Well: At any point along the way if you sense the other person isn't interested, don't persist. Know when to back off and leave gracefully, which could mean you just say, "It was nice meeting you" and then go.

• Know When to Leave Even When It's Going Well: Likewise, even if you've had an enjoyable chat with this person, you also need to know when to leave.  Either way, don't just walk away. Thank them for chatting and go about your business.  

• Remember: Non-Creepy Flirting is a Skill: Don't expect to do it perfectly the first time and maybe not even the next several times. If you don't know how to flirt, you'll need practice--it's just like developing any other social skill.

When to Seek Help in Therapy

There are times when unresolved trauma gets in the way of interacting socially with other people.  

If you know you have unresolved trauma that is affecting you in the present, seek help from a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved issues so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who has helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.