Beyond Physical Chemistry: Understanding What Truly Draws Two People Together

Attraction plays an essential role in all relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic, or collegial. As an NYC psychotherapist, couples therapist, and certified sex therapist working with individuals and people in relationships in Greenwich Village, I find that exploring what draws us together—or pushes us apart—is one of the most powerful ways to develop deep self awareness and emotional intimacy.

A minimalist continuous single line drawing of two profiles facing each other, representing the conscious and unconscious types of attraction I explore in my Greenwich Village psychotherapy private practice.

When you understand why you are attracted (or not) to others, including your spouse or partner, you can gain a deeper understanding of how you form connections, navigate your stress, and develop healthier relationships.

The Complexity of Human Attraction

There are both conscious and unconscious aspects to what pulls us toward another person. Attraction is highly complex, meaning there is no one-size-fits-all definition.

Usually, people think of attraction as meaning only physical attraction. While physical chemistry is important, it is only one superficial aspect of how we connect.

True attraction can vary and evolve over time because your life experiences directly influence who you find appealing. For instance, you might meet someone and feel an immediate physical spark, but that initial feeling can disappear quickly after a conversation that highlights conflicting values or negative traits.

Similarly, you might meet someone and feel no initial spark, but once you get to know them, you find yourself deeply drawn to them. As you discover their personality traits, common interests, and shared values, a profound emotional bond can begin to form.

What Are the Different Types of Attraction?

In my psychotherapy practice, I help clients look at connection through a multi-dimensional lens. Attraction is a complex combination of conscious and unconscious factors, generally breaking down into these distinct types:

• Physical Attraction: A genuine desire for physical closeness, touch, or connection, which does not necessarily require a sexual or romantic element.
• Sexual Attraction: A specific desire for intimate, sexual contact with another person.
• Emotional Attraction: A desire for emotional intimacy, deep vulnerability, and mental contact, independent of physical or sexual desires.
• Romantic Attraction: A multi-layered desire that often combines physical, emotional, and sexual elements into a shared relational bond.
• Aesthetic Attraction: An objective admiration for someone's appearance and how they present themselves, without feeling any personal pull to connect with them.

The Unconscious Dynamics: How Self-Perception Influences Who You Desire

Our unconscious minds play a massive role in our relationship patterns. Specifically, the use of projection is an unconscious defense mechanism that forms early in life and heavily impacts our adult bonds.

When someone struggles with low self-worth, they may unconsciously project those difficult internal experiences onto their significant other. Using projection as a defense mechanism is incredibly common in all relationship types, but it is especially powerful in long-term committed partnerships (see my article: What is the Defense Mechanism Known as "Projection" and How Does It Affect Relationships?).

This dynamic usually occurs when an individual finds their own internal feelings of shame or inadequacy too difficult to hold. To cope, their mind projects those heavy feelings onto their partner.

When this happens, you might mistakenly assume that you are simply no longer attracted to your partner. In reality, your lack of attraction is actually a protective shield against looking at your own intolerable feelings. This creates a difficult cycle of worry and distance within the relationship.

Why Self-Awareness Shifts Your Relationship Outcomes

Understanding how and why you experience certain attractions is an indispensable part of developing self awareness. It allows you to build and maintain secure, long-term bonds.

• Breaking Negative Cycles: If you notice your attractions consistently lead you into painful or toxic dynamics, gaining self-awareness is the first step toward setting firmer personal boundaries.
• Preserving Good Partnerships: When projection is creating an artificial barrier between you and your loved one, mapping out that internal stress response is often the exact key needed to save an otherwise good relationship.
• Enhancing Somatic Awareness: Learning how your nervous system reacts to specific people helps you differentiate between a true trauma response and genuine, healthy chemistry (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?).

Healing Relationship Patterns in Psychotherapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved relationship patterns, an echo of past trauma, or a sudden loss of attraction in a long-term relationship, you do not have to figure it out alone.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you look beneath the surface, process the unconscious mechanisms holding you back, and overcome the obstacles preventing a fulfilling life. 

In my Greenwich Village private practice, I collaborate with individuals and people in relationships to unpack these exact dynamics in real-time, moving you past feelings of stagnation and into a state of aliveness and connection.

Frequently Asked Questions About Attraction

What Is the Difference Between Physical Chemistry and True Attraction?
While physical chemistry is an immediate, superficial spark based primarily on appearance, true attraction is a multi-dimensional emotional bond that evolves over time. In my Greenwich Village psychotherapy practice, I help clients look at connection through a multi-layered lens that includes physical, sexual, emotional, romantic, and aesthetic attraction. True attraction is deeply influenced by your life experiences, shared values, and emotional attunement, meaning a profound connection can grow over time even if there was no initial physical spark.

How Does the Unconscious Mind Affect Relationship Attraction?
The unconscious mind plays a massive role in relationship patterns, particularly through the use of projection as an unconscious defense mechanism. When an individual struggles with underlying feelings of low self-worth, shame, or inadequacy, their mind may project those difficult internal experiences onto their partner. This creates an artificial barrier and a sudden loss of attraction, which is actually a protective shield to avoid looking at one's own intolerable feelings.

Can Psychotherapy Help Restore Attraction in a Long-Term Relationship?
Yes, a skilled psychotherapist can help you look beneath the surface to identify and process the unconscious mechanisms causing distance. In my private practice, I use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), Somatic Experiencing  as well as Sex Therapy to help individual adults and people in relationships map out their internal stress responses. Unpacking these dynamics in real-time allows couples to break free from toxic cycles, restore true emotional safety, and move back into a state of shared aliveness.

👤 Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist and Trauma Specialist

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, Emotionally Focused Therapist for Couples (EFT), certified sex therapist and trauma therapist with over 25 years of clinical experience. 

I see individual adults and people in relationships in my psychotherapy private practice located at 412 Avenue of the Americas (6th Avenue), Greenwich Village, Manhattan New York, NY 10011.

I offer a complimentary 15 minute phone call before setting up an initial appointment. 

My approach to is mind-body oriented and I have advanced skills in:

• EMDR Therapy: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing helps the brain reprocess traumatic, stuck memories using bilateral stimulation, reducing the emotional distress and bodily anxiety associated with past events.

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy: A mind-body oriented therapeutic approach that helps release the stress and trauma locked in the nervous system, allowing you to move past chronic states of fight, flight, or freeze.

• IFS Parts Work Therapy: Internal Family Systems helps you explore and heal different internal "parts" of your personality—such as defensive, anxious, or wounded parts—to cultivate self-compassion and inner harmony.

• AEDP Therapy: Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy focuses on processing difficult emotional experiences in real-time alongside a supportive therapist, fostering rapid healing through deep emotional connection.

• Clinical Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy): A therapeutic technique that uses guided relaxation and focused attention to access the subconscious mind, helping to uncover deep-seated patterns and reinforce positive behavioral changes.

Contact Me

To explore more or to make an appointment, contact me:

🌐 Visit My Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

📞 Call: (917) 742-2624 (during standard business hours)