BDSM and Kink: What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

I began a discussion about sub-dom relationships in my prior article, BDSM and Kink: What is a Sub-Dom Relationship?.

BDSM Sub-Dom Relationships

I'm continuing this discussion by defining the different types of sub-dom relationships and providing a clinical vignette to illustrate one of the types, the Master/Servant relationship.

What Are the Different Types of Sub-Dom Relationships?

The following sub-dom relationships are among the most common:

• Training Relationships:  The dom trains the sub on how to be a sub.  The dom is like a trainer or teacher.  The dom acts as a guide or leader, and the sub can take on certain roles such as pleaser, brat, tester, baby or servant (to name a few). The dom must be trusthworthy, caring, consistent, available and reliable. When neither person has any experience with these types of relationships, they can hire an experienced BDSM practitioner to train them.

• Master/Servant: The focus in this relationship is for the servant to provide service to the dom, including taking care of the dom's clothes and other sexual and non-sexual acts of service.  The servant takes pleasure in doing things for the Master and the Master enjoys the control and having the sub do things done for them. With regard to sexual acts of service, the servant often feels free of guilt and shame about wanting kinky sex because the Master gives permission.

• Sub-Dom Bondage Style: This relationship focuses on creating bondage harnesses or suspension scenarios. This requires a lot of trust between the sub and dom as well as considerable skill.  

• Caregiver/little or Age Play: The dom acts as an older caregiver (mother, father, caregiver, aunt, nanny or other authoritative person).  The sub can act like an infant, a young child or a teenager. Caregiver activities include nurturing (like bathing, hair brushing) or punishment (like spanking). The sub gets to feel taken care of by the dom.

• 24/7 Relationships: The individuals enter into an ongoing permanent sub-dom relationship, which can be renegotiated.  The sub-dom role is usually fixed and there's usually no switching of roles.

Female-Led Sub-Domme Relationships

• Female-Led Relationships (FLR): Traditionally, this is an ongoing BDSM relationship where in heterosexual relationships the woman is dominant and the man is submissive (this dynamic can also occur between lesbians, bisexual or trans women). The woman, also called the femme, is the decisionmaker over the sub.  The decisionmaking can involve anything from telling the sub what clothing to wear to managing the sub's finances.

• Keyholders: This relationship is associated with chastity play. The sub agrees to allow the dom to tell them when they can touch themselves, have an orgasm and so on.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite to protect confidentiality, is one example of a sub-dom dynamic in a Master-Servant relationship:

Nina and Ted

Five years into their marriage, Nina and Ted became curious about exploring a Master-Servant relationship, so they took a BDSM sub-dom workshop.

Although they had a very good sexual relationship, they wanted to spice up their sex script by exploring BDSM.  After learning about the different types of sub-dom relationships, they decided to try the Master-Servant dynamic where Ted was the dom (the Master) and Nina was the sub (the Servant).

Throughout their relationship Nina and Ted had developed a loving, trusting relationship, which was key to their developing a healthy Master-Servant relationship.

Whereas Ted had a more dominant personality, Nina tended to be more submissive--although she could be assertive at times and she felt comfortable setting boundaries.

They learned their roles under the private mentorship of a BDSM trainer.  

When it was time to negotiate an agreement between them, they saw a sex therapist who was a kink-allied therapist (see my article: What is Sex Therapy? and What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Part of their sub-dom agreement was that this was an exploration of BDSM. They agreed to work out particular power play scenes where Nina provided Ted with acts of service, like laying out his clothes, shining his boots and certain sexual acts they both enjoyed.  They didn't want a 24/7 relationship because this didn't suit either of them mentally or emotionally.

Although both Ted and Nina liked power play and other kinky activities, prior to engaging in a sub-dom dynamic, Nina often felt guilty and ashamed about it afterwards because of her conservative religious upbringing.  So, entering into a scene where Ted, as the Master, was in control of what they did sexually took away Nina's guilt and shame.

They experimented with the sub-dom dynamic privately for six months by adding it to their sexual repertoire a few times a month.  Whenever they engaged in a Master-Servant scenario, they checked in with each other to make sure they were both physically and emotionally comfortable.

In their everyday life, they appeared like any other couple.  They went to dinner, the movies, shopping and attended regular social events. There was nothing in their outward appearance that indicated they engaged privately in sub-dom sexual activities.

Once they became comfortable with their sub-dom relationship, they confided in close friends, who were open minded, supportive and curious.

Nina and Ted were aware that local sex clubs had BDSM sub-dom events, but they preferred to engage in this dynamic privately behind closed doors.

They reassessed their situation a year later and talked about their experiences with their sex therapist.

Nina felt the sub-dom dynamic was a sexual awakening for her.  She discovered sexual aspects of herself that she had been unaware of before, including how sexually turned on she felt when in her role as the sub when she provided Ted with sexual and non-sexual service (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Nina realized that being the sub in a sub-dom relationship helped to open her up sexually and, over time, even when she and Ted weren't doing a role play, she felt freer sexually without the guilt and shame she would normally feel.  So, in that way the BDSM sub-dom relationship was emotionally healing for her.

Ted liked being in the role of the guide and protector with Nina.  He took his responsibility to be attentive to her emotional and sexual needs very seriously before, during and after sex, including in their aftercare activities where they cuddled in each other's arms.

They experimented with switching roles where Nina was the dom and Ted was the sub.  They each found it fun to switch occasionally, but they discovered that Ted was naturally a dom and Nina was naturally a sub so they mostly kept to these roles.

Over time, Nina and Ted continued to explore many aspects of BDSM, including bondage and rope play.  

They discovered that including the sub-dom dynamic as part of their sex script allowed them to be much more emotionally and sexually vulnerable with each other, which brought them closer together (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy).

Consent is Essential

Many people think of the movie, 50 Shades of Grey, when they think of BDSM sub-dom relationships. But even though the movie introduced the concept of a contract/agreement, there was such an imbalance of power between the two main characters that their relationship couldn't be considered consensual.

Taking the time to work out a written agreement can make all the difference in a BDSM sub-dom relationship in the long run (see my article: What You Can Learn From the Kink Community About Consent).

Conclusion

There are many ways to set up a sub-dom relationship depending upon the needs of the people involved. The vignette above presents only one particular way of doing it.

A Sub-Domme Lesbian Relationship

Although the clinical vignette presented a heterosexual couple, sub-dom relationships are not just for heterosexual relationships.  There are many people in the LGBTQ community who practice BDSM sub-dom relationships.

In addition, couples often switch roles between being the sub or the dom.  It's a matter of preference for each person.

There are now many reputable sites for learning about sub-dom relationships, including Kink Academy.

In my next article, I'll discuss tips for exploring sub-dom relationships: Are You Curious About Exploring Sub-Dom Relationships?.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're curious about experimenting with a sub-dom relationship, you could benefit from working with a kink-allied sex therapist.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where there is no physical exam, nudity or sex between the therapist and client(s).

A skilled kink-allied sex therapist can help you work out a mutually beneficial agreement as well as work on other issues that might come up.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a kink-allied sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.