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In my article, 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love, I discussed the difference between relationships based primarily on sex and relationships based on love. In this article, I'm focusing on coping with an ambivalent partner when you know you want more of a committed relationship instead of a casual sexual relationship (see my article: Dating vs Being in a Relationship).
Coping With An Ambivalent Partner in a Relationship
You Want More of a Committed Relationship
Many people are just fine with having a casual sexual relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that as long as both people agree to this. But if you have been dating someone you really like for several months on a casual basis and you want more of a committed relationship, you might be feeling anxious about bringing it up.
You're Not Sure When to Bring Up "The Talk" About Defining the Relationship
It can be tricky to know when to bring up defining your relationship. You might be concerned that you're both enjoying each other's company so much that you might ruin things if you bring this up (see my article: Dating: When to Have "the Talk").
This can be tricky if you didn't bring up what you wanted when you first started dating. It's even trickier if you were happy with a casual sexual relationship when you started dating but now you've developed deeper feelings for this person and you're not sure your partner feels the same way.
Feelings Change, People Change and Relationships Change
You might be concerned that the other person could say that you said one thing at the beginning--that you only wanted casual sex--and now you're saying something else--you want more of a commitment. But feelings change, people change and relationships change too. So, it shouldn't be so surprising that one or both people in a casual sexual relationship might want something more.
I don't think most people would be surprised if, after several months of dating, you bring up having a committed relationship because casual sexual relationships don't usually last that long. So, if you've been dating for several months, the relationship is either going to develop into something more serious and committed or it's probably going to fizzle out (for exceptions to this, keep reading below).
Be Honest With Yourself and Your Partner
It's important to start by being honest with yourself. Ask yourself if being in a committed relationship with the person you're dating is really what you want or are you wanting something more because you can't stand being alone and lonely? Are you going to be happy with this particular person in a committed relationship?
Once you feel sure that you want the person you've been dating to be your committed partner, you need to be honest about your feelings and find out what your partner has in mind. This conversation doesn't have to be an interrogation, but it's an important conversation to have and it's worth doing it with forethought and intention in a place that's quiet and where you'll have privacy to talk.
Listen and Accept What Your Partner Has to Say
If your partner feels the same way as you do, that's great--the two of you can talk about taking your relationship to the next level. For some couples, this happens naturally because it's clear that the relationship has been going in that direction.
When you and your partner want different things, this is harder to deal with. But, as hard as it might be, you need to listen to what your partner says and, ultimately, you need to accept it and make a decision for yourself about what you want to do. Do you want to continue the casual sexual relationship or will you feel resentful that your partner isn't giving you what you want?
Don't Nag and Try to Bargain With Your Partner to Get More of a Commitment
If you and your partner aren't on the same page, nagging and bargaining doesn't work. You can't force your partner into a committed relationship if it's not what s/he wants.
This might seem obvious, but it's all too common that the person who wants more of a commitment tries to push the other partner into something s/he doesn't want. Not only does it not work, but it often ruins whatever you currently have with this person and, more importantly, it makes you feel bad about yourself.
After the Talk: You Realize You're With a Reluctant/Ambivalent Partner in Terms of Commitment
Dealing with an ambivalent or reluctant partner is especially difficult. S/he isn't saying "yes" but s/he's not saying "no," so you're not getting a clear answer.
This is where a lot of people, who want a commitment, get stuck and remain too long in the kind of relationship they don't want because they're hoping to get the ambivalent partner to change his or her mind. Even when they realize they're not going to convince their partner, they find all kinds of rationalizations for remaining in the relationship that's not meeting their needs:
- "Well, at least the sex is good. I might not find anyone else that I enjoy sex with as much."
- "The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know."
- "I'm too old to find anyone else, so I might as well remain with him/her" (for this one you can substitute "fat," "tall," "short" or any other description for "old").
- "Who else will want me? At least I know s/he finds me sexually desirable."
- "There are no good men (women) out there anyway, so I might as well remain in this relationship even if s/he's not meeting my emotional needs."
- "Maybe s/he will come around eventually if I wait long enough."
A partner who is reluctant or ambivalent might have many reasons for his or her mixed feelings--reasons that s/he might not know about because the reasons are unconscious.
Some people have a fear of making a commitment to anyone--whether it's you or anyone else, so their reluctance might not be about you in particular. At the same time, you're affected by it, and it can be crazy making for you.
Although it might be hard to see, first, determine that you're not with someone who is stringing you along (see my article: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players, although the title of this article is about men, women can also be players).
You don't need to be manipulated in this kind of relationship with someone who is so selfish and narcissistic (see my articles: Is Your Partner Breadcrumbing You?, A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Ruin Your Self Esteem, A Relationship With a Narcissistic Person: Where Did the Love Go? and Are You Being Gaslighted?).
Second, even if the person you're dating isn't manipulative and selfish, you need to figure out if you're with someone who will never make a real commitment to anyone because s/he wants to continue seeing other people. Maybe the idea of being committed to one person makes him or her feel claustrophobic or bored.
Sometimes, the ambivalent/reluctant partner hasn't matured yet. S/he might be an adult in terms of chronological age, but s/he might be much younger in terms of maturity. In other words, your partner might still have a lot of growing up to do regardless of whether s/he's 25, 35 or 45. And if that's the case, only you can decide if you're going to wait around to see if s/he matures into the kind of person who can make a commitment.
Another issue is that your partner might have attachment style issues, which are difficult to change if s/he isn't in therapy (see my articles: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style of Emotionally Unavailable People and How an Avoidant Attachment Style Affects You and Your Relationship).
Only you can decide how long you can deal with an ambivalent partner when you're not getting what you want. After a while, you'll probably want to consider that no decision becomes a decision. In other words, an "I don't know" becomes a "No" because it will likely become too painful for you to keep waiting for your partner to choose a commitment with you (see my article: When Indecision Becomes a Decision).
The ambivalent partner can also trigger in you feelings of being unworthy (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).
Aside from narcissistic or manipulative people, there are also people who just know they don't want to be in a committed relationship. They're not pathological in any way. They might be kind and wonderful people, but they just want something different from what you want. Still, this can be very painful for you because it's still a rejection of what you want and can feel like a rejection of you.
Maintain Your Autonomy and Don't Be Overly Dependent on Your Partner
While the two of you are deciding if you will take your casual relationship to the next level, maintain a sense of autonomy with your own friends and interests.
If you're only focused on your relationship with your partner or you're overly dependent upon your partner to meet your needs (regardless of the status of your relationship), you're putting your entire sense of well-being in this person's hands.
The healthiest relationships are ones where each person can maintain a degree of autonomy while also being able to share in the experience of the relationship.
Get Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with a difference between what you want and what your partner wants, you could benefit from the help of a skilled psychotherapist.
Life is short, and if you allow yourself to remain stuck for too long, you're going to feel increasingly unhappy and it will take longer for you to recover from this situation.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your problems so you can move on with your life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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