Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

The phrase "Comparison is the thief of joy" is attributed to Theodore Roosevelt and it means that comparing yourself to others and judging yourself unfavorably often leads to unhappiness (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably With Others).

Comparisons and Judgment on Social Media

These issues have become increasingly problematic now that people compare their looks, their partners, their success and everything else about their life on social media.

Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

Many people compare and judge themselves in ways that lead to shame, anxiety and depression, and other similar problems, especially among teens and young adults.

More and more people are realizing they need to take breaks from social media if they want to maintain their mental health. 

What Are the Negative Effects of Comparisons and Judgment?

Whether comparisons and judgment occur on social media or in real life, the negative consequences include (but not limited to):

• Feeling envious of others 

• Feeling dissatisfied with yourself

• Feeling inadequate 

• Having a poor body image (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Acceptance Can Help With Body Acceptance)

• Depression

• Feeling worthless

• Feeling unlovable

• Anxiety

• Hopelessness

• Low self esteem
  

• Shame
  

Comparison and Judgment Often Starts Early in Childhood

In her book, Come Together, Dr. Emily Nagoski writes that, even more than comparison, the real thief of joy is judgment.

I see many clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice who are unhappy because they compare and judge themselves unfavorably to others.

Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy

In many cases this began when their parents compared and judged them, as young children, unfavorably to other children:

    "Why can't you get better grades like your older brother?" 

    "Look how outgoing your friend Mary is. Why can't you be more like her?"

Although most parents don't mean to harm their children, when parents give labels to their children, children feel inadequate (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).

A common example of this is when parents engage in labeling and splitting by saying to their daughters, "Gina, you're the pretty one and Ann, you're the smart one."

Not only can this pit siblings against each other, but these comparisons often cause each child to want the attributes they feel they're lacking and believe their sibling has.

What often happens is that the one who is told she's the pretty one longs to be the smart one and the one who is told she's smart one longs to be the pretty one.

I've had clients look back on their childhood photos and report cards many years later and they realized that these destructive comparisons were false.

Regardless of how their parents labeled them, they discovered years later that both they and their sibling were equally attractive and smart, but their parents created this "split" between the siblings.  

How to Overcome the Tendency to Compare and Judge Yourself Unfavorably to Others

Usually by the time people come to see me for therapy, they have been traumatized by lifelong comparisons and judgments that began early in life by their parents, which they internalized and continued to do to themselves as adults.

If this type of problem hasn't reached the level of trauma where you need a mental health professional, there are some self help tips that might be helpful:

• Develop Self Awareness: Begin to notice when you're comparing and judging yourself.

• Identity Your Triggers: Become aware of what types of situations trigger these negative thoughts and feelings in you.

• Self Reflect and Focus on Your Strengths: You have unique strengths. Instead of focusing on what you think you don't have, as compared to others, focus on your strengths that you do have (see my article: What is a Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy?).

Reflect on Your Positive Traits and Strengths

• Keep a Gratitude Journal: When you keep a gratitude journal, you learn to shift your focus from feelings of inadequacy, shame and envy to feelings of gratitude for what you do have (see my article: How to Keep a Gratitude Journal).

• Have a Talk With Your Inner Critic: Your inner critic was probably formed when you were young when you internalized the negative messages you received. It's only one part of you and it's often a sad and neglected part that wants attention. Although you can't get rid of any part of yourself, you can transform that part with love and attention which can help to soften it. But even if that part doesn't soften, you can ask it to step aside so it doesn't have a direct impact on you while you're working to strengthen your sense of self. Once your sense of self has been strengthened, even if that part continues to be critical, when you come from a stronger sense of self, you won't automatically believe that critical part.

                See my articles: 

• Making Friends With Your Inner Critic
• 
  
• How Parts Work Can Empower You

• Your Thoughts and Feelings Aren't Facts

• Only Compare Yourself to Yourself: Focus on your own progress instead of comparing yourself to others and judging yourself. For instance, if you go to the gym, instead of comparing yourself to a gym member who is more advanced than you and who can lift heavier weights track your own progress or give yourself credit for going to the gym.

• Limit Your Exposure to Social Media: Become aware of how you are affected by social media and reduce your time so you're not getting triggered as much. Some people have taken themselves off social media for periods of time to stop getting triggered and strengthen their sense of self.

• Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises: Meditation and breathing exercises can help you to reduce the stress and anxiety that often comes with comparisons and self judgment.

Conclusion

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy.

If your problem isn't related to unresolved trauma, you can try to identify and overcome the triggers related to unfavorably comparisons and judgment. 

Getting Help in Therapy

If self help strategies aren't working for you and you think your problems are related to unresolved trauma, consider getting help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through any underlying trauma contributes to your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

I'm focusing on an important topic for many relationships: Conflict avoidant couples and infidelity.

See my prior articles:

What are Gottman's 5 Types of Couples?

How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Destroying Your Relationship

Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

As a brief recap:  

Conflict avoidant couples are couples who tend to avoid difficult conversations and conflicts. They often experience unexpressed anger, frustration and resentment which builds up over time and leads to big confrontations or to infidelity.

What Are Some of the Signs of a Conflict Avoidant Couple?

The following are some of the signs a conflict avoidant couple might experience:

• Unexpressed anger, frustration and resentment that builds up over time
• Refusing to participate in a difficult conversation
• Withdrawing from a conflict (not just taking a break, but avoiding the conflict altogether)
• A relationship based on assumptions and expectations instead of communication
• Apologizing or agreeing with a partner (when you don't agree) just to avoid an argument
• Feeling anxious at the thought of discussing something difficult with your partner
• Hiding certain things from your partner, possibly including cheating
• Focusing only on the good aspects of the relationship and avoiding problems

Why Do People in Conflict Avoidant Couples Cheat?

Cheating is not part of every relationship where a couple is avoiding conflict, but cheating is often a problem in conflict avoidant couples.

While these couples often appear happy to outside observers, the couples are often aware they have unaddressed problems within their relationship, but they don't know how to handle their problems. As a result, these issues remain unresolved.

Generally, people cheat in conflict avoidant relationships when certain circumstances come together, including: 

• Mounting anger, resentment, frustration and stress in the relationship
• An inability and/or reluctance to address these problems
• An opportunity presents itself for cheating

In many cases the person who cheats has an unconscious wish to be discovered so they can get their partner's attention.

While it can be very hurtful for a couple to cope with infidelity, after the initial shock and hurt, it's important to understand how these problems developed in the relationship--whether the couple stays together or not.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignettes are composites. All identifying information has been removed to protect confidentiality.

Jean and Bob

Jean and Bob, who were both in their mid-30s, were married for five years. 

During that time, Jean suspected Bob was secretly communicating with other women online because whenever she walked into the same room when Bob was on his cellphone, he would abruptly stop texting. This made her suspicious. 

Since she knew his password, Jean looked on his phone and she discovered he was sexting with another woman. 

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

Jean was very hurt and angry by this discovery. When she confronted Bob, he apologized over and over again. He told her that, although he knew there was no excuse for sexting with another woman, he felt dissatisfied with their relationship for a while and sexting with another woman made him made him feel desirable. 

After they began couples therapy, Bob realized he had unconsciously hoped Jean would discover his texts so he could get her attention. He said he didn't know how to communicate his dissatisfaction to her and he regretted putting their relationship at risk. 

Over time they gradually worked through the hurt and anger. They learned how to rebuild trust in their relationship and communicate with each other about difficult topics. 

By the time they completed couples therapy, they felt much more comfortable having difficult conversations and, overall, they were both more satisfied with their relationship.

Mark and Tom

Mark and Tom, who were in their 40s, were married for three years. They had an agreement to as a consensually nonmonogamous couple, that they would be open and honest with each other about who they wanted to get involved with before they got involved. 

One day Tom discovered Mark was cheating when a friend told him that he saw Mark kissing a man at a local gay bar. This was a man Mark had not told Tom about, which went against their agreement. 

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

When Tom confronted Mark, he was shocked when Mark broke down and admitted that he had many secret affairs throughout their relationship because he felt angry, frustrated and resentful about unaddressed problems in their relationship. 

After they began couples therapy, Tom felt too hurt by the extent of Mark's infidelity to forgive him, but they remained in therapy to end their relationship with as little animosity as possible. 

By the end of therapy they were able to part by honoring what was good about their relationship and acknowledging they could no longer be together.

Ann and Jane

Ann and Jane, who were in their early 40s, met at a local New York City LGBTQ meeting.  

Several months after they met, they moved in together. 

Their friends and families thought they were "the perfect couple" because Ann and Jane only talked about the positive aspects of their relationship. However, they both knew they were avoiding talking to each other about Ann's overspending and debt. 

As the years went by, they were spending less and less time together except when they both happened to be home.  They were basically coexisting in the same apartment.

One day Jane found Ann's credit card bill on the kitchen table and she discovered charges she didn't recognize. Initially, she avoided confronting Ann because she was in denial and she hoped the problem would somehow go away on its own. 

Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples

But months later Jane discovered texts from other women who were thanking Ann for expensive gift cards. At that point, Jane knew she couldn't avoid a difficult conversation any longer so she confronted Ann, who admitted she was having secret affairs outside their relationship. 

During couples therapy, they learned that they had been avoiding conflicts with each other and the result was they were both feeling angry, frustrated and resentful. They also learned that their avoidance resulting in emotional estrangement between them.

In addition, Ann realized she "accidentally" left her credit card bill on the kitchen table in an unconscious attempt to get Jane's attention. 

Over time, they worked through the anger, hurt and pain related to Ann's affairs. They also learned how to communicate directly with one another, work through their problems and deal with Ann's debt. 

Ann also joined Debtor's Anonymous (D.A.) and she sought help to consolidate her debt.

Conclusion

Infidelity can occur in any type of relationship whether the relationship is monogamous or consensually nonmonogamous. 

Cheating can occur regardless of age, sex, sexual orientation, or other factors as illustrated in the three vignettes in this article. Although the couples were different each vignette, they were all conflict avoidant.

In some instances the partner who is cheating has an unconscious wish for their partner to know about the infidelity as a way to bring to light problems they're unable to communicate about due to the conflict avoidant nature of their relationship. 

Although it's difficult, most couples decide they are emotionally invested in their relationship and they don't want to end it. In many cases, they're able to work through their problems in couples therapy.

After the infidelity is discovered, many couples can learn to work through their issues and regain trust in couples therapy. However, some individuals, who have been hurt by their partner's cheating, feel the emotional pain is too much to bear, they can't trust their partner, and they end the relationship.

A skilled couples therapist has no agenda of her own. Depending upon the couple's goals in therapy, a couples therapist can work with a couple to either strengthen the relationship and rebuild trust or to end it with as little animosity as possible. 

Many couples, who decide to split, also use couples therapy to learn how to talk to their children about the split and they also learn to co-parent together (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce and Co-parenting After Divorce).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been avoiding conflicts in your relationship by "sweeping problems under the rug", you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Seeking help in therapy sooner rather than later usually offers you a better chance of working through problems.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to discover and work through the negative cycle in your relationship that causes you both to avoid conflict. 

You can also learn how to work through infidelity, if that's what you both choose to do, and learn to improve communication.

If you have tried unsuccessfully to resolve relationship problems, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Gottman's 5 Types of Couples?

Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, has conducted relationship research for over 40 years. He is best known for predicting marital stability and divorce. 

What Are the 5 Types of Couples?

If you're in a relationship, understanding Dr. Gottman's classification of couples can help you to understand your relationship dynamics.

Gottman's 5 Types of Couples

Based on his 40+ years of research, Dr. Gottman has described five different types of relationships. 

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

The first three described below are considered functional couples and the last two are considered  dysfunctional couples.

Here are the functional and dysfunctional classifications and below that I describe them in detail:

Functional Types of Couples:

• Conflict-Avoiding Couples
• Volatile Couples
• Validating Couples

Dysfunctional Types of Couples:

• Hostile Couples
• Hostile-Detached Couples

The 5 Types of Couples in Detail

Let's look at each category in more detail:

Conflict-Avoiding Couples

Conflict-avoiding couples prefer to focus on areas of their life where they are in mutual agreement.  They value their common ground.

They like to balance their independence as well as their interdependence in the relationship. They're more likely to have separate interests as well as interests they enjoy together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

As independent individuals in a relationship, they like to focus on areas where they overlap and where there is cooperation and negotiation.  

They tend to be empathetic towards each other.

They can be low key and emotionally muted. 

They're not comfortable trying to coerce their partner into doing things their way. They prefer to focus on areas where things are "good enough" between them.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1, which Gottman considers a healthy ratio.

There is a downside if there is too much conflict avoidance including:

• A withdrawal from conflict so conflicts remains unresolved
• Distance and breakdown in communication
• A buildup of frustration and resentment
• Stress and anxiety
• A buildup of distrust

Volatile Couples

Volatile couples tend to be the opposite of conflict avoidant couples.

These couples tend to be intensely emotional. They like to debate and argue--although they tend to be respectful and avoid insulting one another.

Their debating style tends to include humor and laughter (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships).

During their arguments, they express anger and hurt feelings, but they tend not to express contempt for each other.

Even though they might argue a lot, they focus on honesty and connection in their communication.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1 which is a healthy ratio.

The downside of too much volatility in a relationship includes:

• Small slights can trigger larger arguments (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Developing into Big Arguments).
• Too much volatility can lead to problems with communication if arguments go on for too long.
• Volatility can lead to hostility (see the description for Hostile Couples below)
• Too much volatility can lead to saying things each person doesn't mean and which can be hard to take back when each person is hurting.
• Ongoing volatility can create a sense of hopelessness.

Validating Couples

Validating couples tend to be somewhere between conflict avoidant couples and volatile couples.

Validating couples tend to be characterized by calm and ease (see my article: Responding to Your Partner With Emotional Attunement and Validation).

Validating Couples

They tend to be empathetic towards each other and place a lot of emphasis on being supportive and validating.  Basically, they go along to get along.

Although they are supportive of one another, they do confront their problems. However, they tend to choose their battles. 

When they have opposing views, they can confront the issues, but they tend to work at finding a solution they can both live with to resolve the problem. 

Overall, their mood is subdued and cordial.

In terms of positive to negative affect, they usually show a healthy 5:1 ratio.

The downside to too much validation in a relationship includes:

• Unhealthy validation could include overlooking problems which can prevent change and growth.
• A misinterpretation of validation as agreement rather than an attempt to understand one another even when there isn't agreement.
• Unhealthy validation can include an avoidance of conflict so that conflicts remain unresolved which can lead to each person feeling unhappy.

Hostile Couples

Hostile couples tend to have a lot of defensiveness.

Hostile couples tend to use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their arguments including:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

There tends to be a lack of empathy in hostile couples and a lot of emphasis on contempt.

They tend to focus on their own point of view with little to no attempt to try to understand their partner's side of the argument.

When they criticize each other, they tend to use exaggerated statements like "You always" and "You never."

They tend to have the same arguments over and over again without resolution. They also tend to have damaging arguments in front of their children.

Although they have frequent arguments, they also tend to regulate their arguments so that their arguments don't get out of control.

Many hostile couples can be intimacy avoidant. 

Even though they might be very unhappy in the relationship, they tend to stay together where they remain attached to the hostility between them.

The ratio of positive affects to negative affects tend to be low in this type of relationship.

Hostile-Detached Couples

These couples tend to be engaged in a hostile standoff. 

Although they interact in a hostile way towards each other, they are also emotionally detached.  This emotional detachment can lead to loneliness for both of them.

Similar to hostile couples, hostile-detached couples also use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which, as previously mentioned, includes: 

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

Whereas hostile couples tend to regulate their arguments so they don't get out of control, hostile-detached couples tend to keep fighting until they're exhausted and there tends to be a fair amount of emotional abuse in this type of couple.

Based on information from Dr. Gottman's research, hostile-detached couples are the most dysfunctional couples and they are more likely to get divorced as compared to the other types of couples.

The ratio of positive to negative affects is the lowest for this type of couple as compared to others.

Conclusion

Many couples don't fall neatly into a particular category, so they might be a combination of these classifications at different times in their relationship.

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

If you're having problems in your relationship, you might find Gottman's classifications useful in understanding the dynamics in your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy. 

    

    See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes in your relationship so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

Seeking help sooner rather than later can make a big difference.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I often hear clients talk about how hard it is to broach difficult conversations with their partner.

Avoiding Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship

People who know they have a hard time with difficult conversations can work on developing the motivation and skills to talk about these topics. They're in a much better position to try to change compared to people who make excuses by telling themselves, "Things aren't so bad..." when, in reality, their relationship is in trouble.

Why Do Couples Avoid Difficult Conversations?

There can be many reasons why couples avoid talking about difficult topics--even if they're willing to acknowledge they have problems.

Some of the most common reasons include:

• Fear of Conflict: They're afraid of so-called "negative emotions" like anger, sadness, frustration, and so on. Not only are they afraid of their partner's reaction--they might also be afraid to experience these emotions themselves--so it's easier, in the short run, to avoid these topics. But there's a price to pay in the long run as problems continue to mount.

• Discomfort With Uncertainty: They might be afraid because they don't know how receptive their partner might be and how the conversation might go. So, they deal with their discomfort by avoiding the topic (see my article: How to Increase Your Tolerance For Uncertainty to Reduce Anxiety).

• Lack of Self Confidence: They might be afraid they won't have the skills to handle a difficult topic in an effective way, so they avoid it.

• Discomfort With "Rocking the Boat": Many couples want to maintain a sense of harmony in their relationship--even if that harmony is only superficial and emotions are roiling under the surface. They might convince themselves that everything is okay and, if they both want to avoid rocking the boat, they will avoid dealing with conflict.

• Fear of Being Overwhelmed: They might fear that they'll be overwhelmed and not know how to deal with their emotions (see my article: What is Emotional Co-Regulation?).

• Fear the Relationship Will Fall Apart: If the foundation of the relationship isn't secure, they might fear that the relationship will fall apart if they talk about things that are difficult.

• Fear of Making Themselves Emotionally Vulnerable: Difficult conversations often require each person to allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable, which can feel scary (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Negative Consequences of Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

Avoiding difficult conversations can feel like a couple is home free in the moment, but there are usually negative consequences for this type of avoidance, including:

• Communication Breaks Down: Couples who avoid difficult topics usually have communication problems to begin with, but if they continue to avoid difficult conversations, communication breaks down even further, which makes their problems worse. It can also lead to emotional estrangement between them.

• Resentment Increases: Whatever resentment the couple might experience will most likely get worse when the couple doesn't deal with their problems (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Avoiding Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship

• Conflicts Increase: Although the couple might think they are avoiding conflict by not addressing difficult topics, their conflict will most likely increase because they're both sitting on anger, resentment and hurt that fester over time.

• Loss of Emotional Connection: When a couple avoids conflict to maintain the illusion of superficial harmony, they're usually being disingenuous with each other. They're hiding their true feelings so that, over time, they can experience a loss of emotional and sexual connection.

• Loss of Trust: The superficial appearance of calm often belies a loss of trust as each person in the relationship senses the other is withholding emotions.

How to Have Difficult Conversations With Your Partner

Here are some tips you might find helpful if you and your partner are going to have a difficult conversation:

• Deal Directly With the Conflict: Rather than avoiding it or going around in circles, deal with the conflict directly--unless doing so would put you in danger with your partner. Use tact and compassion, but don't be indirect because it will create confusion.

Difficult Conversations: Deal Directly With the Conflict

• Speak From Your Own Experience: Make "I" statements where you speak from your own experience rather than accusing your partner of wrongdoing.

• Avoid "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": Avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

• Take Responsibility For Your Role in the Problems: Rather than placing all the blame on your partner, take responsibility for your part in the problems. This could help your partner to open up about their role.

• Practice Self Compassion: Rather than beating yourself up, use self compassion while you're taking responsibility for relationship problems.

• Practice Compassion For Your Partner: Challenging conversations with your partner can be less difficult if you show compassion for your partner. 

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to work on your problems without success, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the necessary tools and skills to work through difficult problems.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.