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Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship
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| Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship |
The Problem is the Negative Cycle
Most couples have disagreements from time to time, but when a couple is stuck in a repeating pattern of negative behavior, the original disagreement becomes secondary to the negative cycle.
The negative cycle, which is a repeating pattern of negative behavior, perpetuates the problem and makes it harder to resolve.
What Are the Key Aspects of the Negative Cycle?
Here are some of the key aspects of the negative cycle in a relationship:
- Repeating Patterns: A negative cycle in a relationship involves a pattern of interactions between the couple that lead to further conflict or distance in the relationship including:
- Problems with communication
- Unhealthy emotional responses
- Unhealthy behavior
- A Negative Cycle That Reinforces Itself: When a negative cycle reinforces itself, one person's behavior triggers a negative response from the other person, which causes the other partner to become more reactive. This creates a negative cycle which is difficult to break.
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| Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship |
- Looking Beyond the Surface: Although the initial issue might seem like the main problem, the real problem is the negative cycle the couple is stuck in. The negative cycle is usually the main obstacle for couples who want to overcome their problems.
How Does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Help Couples to Overcome Their Negative Cycle?
EFT therapists work with couples to help them by:
- Working with the couple to identify the negative cycle that is the obstacle to overcoming their problems
- Helping clients to recognize that emotions influence patterns of behavior
- Helping clients to understand how to use emotions to create the changes they want
- Helping clients to look below the surface to understand their positive needs underneath the negative cycle
- Helping clients to interrupt the negative cycle until they can learn to change the cycle
- Teaching clients how to engage in active listening so they can understand and respond empathically instead of reacting (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting)
- Helping clients to understand their attachment wounds and vulnerabilities that are underneath the negative cycle
- Helping clients to see how they engage or disengage with each other
- Helping clients to change the negative cycle so they can develop a secure attachment in their relationship
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases (with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality) that illustrates how EFT Couples Therapy can help a couple who are stuck in their negative cycle:
Ann and Bill
Ann and Bill sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) because they were constantly arguing about household chores and they were unable to work out their differences.
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| Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship |
When the arguments initially began several years before, they would come together fairly quickly to apologize to each other, but they never worked out their differences.
Over time, resentment built up between them and it was becoming increasingly difficult to communicate after one of their arguments.
Ann felt Bill should take on more responsibilities in the household because she assumed the mental load for both of them and their teenage children. She kept track of doctors' appointments, the children's after school activities, the couple's social calendar and so on.
Ann tended to suppress her anger and resentment until she was fed up and then she would explode in anger. Bill reacted by ignoring Ann and going into his home office to calm down. But Ann interpreted Bill's behavior as stonewalling.
When Ann felt Bill withdraw by stonewalling her, she felt hurt and angry, which also made her even more adamant to make him talk to her. So, she would pursue him when he went up to his home office and demand that he talk to her. But the more she demanded this of him, the more he shutdown emotionally, which made her even more adamant.
This was all part of their negative cycle: She would suppress her emotions. Then, she would have an angry outburst. He would feel overwhelmed by her anger and he would shut down emotionally, which served to exacerbate her anger. And the cycle went on and on until they were both emotionally exhausted.
Their EFT couples therapist helped them to identify their negative cycle and, over time, they learned how to interrupt the cycle. Gradually, over time, they learned how to break the cycle.
Once they were able to break the negative cycle, they were able to talk calmly about the original problem, household chores.
When they didn't have to contend with their negative cycle, they found it much easier to compromise about household chores.
Conclusion
Most couples don't know about the concept of the negative cycle. Needless to say, they also don't know about their particular cycle.
Couples can learn in EFT couples therapy to break the negative cycle.
Breaking the negative cycle allows each person in the relationship to listen and communicate more effectively.
They can also learn how to negotiate their original problems without getting stuck in their former cycle.
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner are having problems you have unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.
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| Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship |
Learning to break the negative cycle in your relationship could be one of the best things you do to improve your relationship.
Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.