Quiet quitting is a term that many people associate with work. It refers to someone who no longer puts much effort into their work but who remains on the job doing as little as possible to maintain the job until they're ready to leave (or they might stay indefinitely).
Understanding Quiet Quitting in a Relationship
Quiet quitting in a relationship is when one or both partners disengage emotionally and psychologically without leaving.They might also disengage sexually.
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| Quiet Quitting in a Relationship |
Quiet quitting in a relationship often involves:
- Making little or no effort in the relationship
- Withdrawing attention
- Withdrawing from emotional, psychological and sexual intimacy
- Not addressing the underlying issues involved in the couple's problems (see my article: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?).
What are the Signs of Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?
Some of the signs of quiet quitting in a relationship include:
- A Decrease in Communication: Meaningful conversations become less frequent or nonexistent.
- Avoiding Asking or Answering Questions: One or both people show little or no interest in asking their partner questions about the partner and/or the relationship.
- Emotional Detachment: One or both partners become emotionally distant and withdrawn from each other and show little or no interest in the relationship.
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| Quiet Quitting in a Relationship |
- Little or No Intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy often declines or becomes nonexistent. There might also be little or no expressions of affection (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).
- Spending Less Time Together: One or both partners might pursue their own separate interests without their partner and without sharing those interests with the partner as a way to avoid each other and spend less time together.
- Being Mentally and Emotionally Distant When They're Together: Even when they're together one or both people might be mentally and emotionally distant and disengaged from one another. For example, they might be daydreaming, playing with their phone or doing work in order to avoid engaging with their partner.
- Loss of Shared Goals and Dreams For the Relationship: The couple might lose sight of dreams they once had together. They might also stop planning for the future (see my article: 7 Tips For Creating a Stronger Relationship With Relationship Goals).
How is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship Different From Ghosting?
Ghosting involves disappearing from a relationship altogether and the relationship ends.
When one or both people engage in quiet quitting, they're usually still physically present. If they live together, they might feel like they're just coexisting in the same place but not emotionally or physically engaging with one another.
Quiet quitting is usually a progressive disengagement that happens gradually over time. If it persists, it will erode the quality of the emotional bonds in the relationship.
Even though the couple might remain together, both people are usually dissatisfied with the relationship and the relationship might eventually end if the couple doesn't take steps to address their problems.
Why Do These Couples Stay Together?
There might be constraints that keep these couples together. For instance, there might be financial constraints that make it difficult for one or both people to leave the relationship. In many instances they can't afford to end the relationship.
There might also be cultural factors that keep a couple who are disengaged from ending the relationship altogether. For instance a couple's culture or religion might prohibit ending the relationship.
A couple who is disengaged in this way might also hesitate to end the relationship because they think they need to remain together for their younger children.
In many cases one or both people aren't ready to leave yet, so they plan, save money and privately make arrangements for the time when they can leave. Often this is done without letting the other partner know in advance.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:
Cathy and Jim
Cathy and Jim were married for 10 years when they sought help in couples therapy.
They told their couples therapist that, over the years, they had become increasingly disengaged from one another.
Both of them agreed that the emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting) began after they had their second child and, at the same time, Jim's father needed additional help due to his medical problems.
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| Quiet Quitting in a Relationship |
Jim admitted that, although he loved his younger child now, originally, when Cathy said she wanted another child, he didn't really want a second child. But he felt pressured by Cathy and went along with her wishes, which made him feel resentful towards her (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).
Cathy acknowledged she knew Jim didn't want a second child, but she had hoped that once the baby was born, Jim would change his mind. She spoke about how disappointed and hurt she was that Jim showed only minimal interest in their second child after their son was born. She also admitted she should not have pressured Jim to have another child.
She said it was only after their younger son was five or six years old that Jim showed more interest in him because he was able to do more things with their son--like teaching him baseball or how to ride a bike.
By then, she said, the damage to their relationship was done. They were respectful of one another, but Jim was sleeping in the guest room and they spent little time together alone. She had hoped things would change over time, but by the time Jim's father needed help from Jim, she and Jim had become emotionally and sexually estranged.
As they spent less time together, they became more involved in their own hobbies and interests that didn't include each other. They also stopped being affectionate with one another.
As time went on, their communication became much less frequent. Over time they were only talking about what they needed to talk about--mostly logistics or about their children or their parents. Even then, their communication was strained.
Cathy said she tried to talk to Jim about their problems because she was feeling lonely in their relationship, but he wasn't open to talking so she suggested they seek help in couples therapy.
Jim acknowledged that he wasn't open to talk to Cathy about their emotional estrangement. He agreed to couples therapy reluctantly. But once he started couples therapy, he realized he still held a lot of resentment towards her about having their second child.
Jim also realized that, when he was a child, his parents were emotionally estranged from one another so that when he and Cathy became estranged, he didn't feel as uncomfortable as Cathy did because this dynamic was familiar to him (see my article: Shame and Disengaged Families).
He expressed regret that their relationship had devolved to this point. He wanted to salvage their relationship so that it would be more emotionally and sexually fulfilling.
Since Jim and Cathy had been at this impasse for so long, they found it challenging at first to become more emotionally and sexually engaged.
Over time, their therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and a sex therapist helped Jim and Cathy to stop blaming each other.
Instead of blaming one another, their therapist got them to focus on their negative cycle, so they could focus on working together to change their negative patterns (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).
They were also able to work through their resentments. Jim was able to let go of his resentment about having a second child. Cathy was able to let go of her resentment that, prior to couples therapy, Jim wasn't willing to talk to her about their problems.
Having a couples therapist to help facilitate their conversations helped them to reconnect again emotionally and sexually.
How to Improve Your Relationship When One or Both of You Are Disengaged?
Even though you might be dissatisfied with your relationship, you might want to try to salvage it by re-engaging with each other:
- Consider Your Expectations in the Relationship:
- Do you have realistic expectations?
- Do you expect your partner to be your "everything" instead of also getting emotional support and friendship from others?
- Is it time to reevaluate your expectations so that you're not putting too much emotional and psychological pressure on your partner?
- Speak to Your Partner About the Disengagement: Since quiet quitting is often done without the acknowledgement of either partner, speak to your partner and tell them what you're observing about the dynamic in the relationship.
- Acknowledge and Express Appreciation For Your Partner: If it's been a while since you have emotionally acknowledged your partner and expressed your appreciation, tell your partner how much you value and appreciate them (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).
- Seek Help From a Couples Therapist: It can be difficult to repair things if you and your partner have been disengaged for a while. If you're unable to do this as a couple, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and who can help you to either re-engage or to decide to end the relationship instead of remaining at an unsatisfying impasse.
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
Quiet quitting in relationships is more common than most people think.
Whether couples want to stay together or end the relationship, they can find it challenging to overcome the stuck place they're in.
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| Getting Help in Couples Therapy |
A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to overcome their impasse so they can either work towards strengthening their relationship or ending it in as amicable a way as possible.
If you and your partner are stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, an EFT couples therapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?).
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.