In our fast paced world, people often feel that if they don't experience an immediate spark on a first date, there's nothing there. But the spark isn't necessarily a good indicator if you want a lasting relationship.
.jpg) |
| Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn |
In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between the spark and the slow burn when you're dating (see my prior articles about dating at the end of this article).
What is the Difference Between a Slow Burn vs a Spark?
When you're dating to develop a lasting connection that leads to a committed relationship, you need to understand the difference between a spark and a slow burn.
 |
| Dating: The Spark vs the Slow Burn |
The Spark
The spark is basically the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone and you feel an attraction. This is often referred to as "instant chemistry." Some people describe it as feeling "butterflies."
The spark of physical attraction (or chemistry) includes the following hormones:
- Dopamine
- Norepinephrine
- Oxytocin
- Testosterone
- Estrogen
- Adrenaline
Although the spark is usually what's celebrated in movies, TV programs and social media, it's not necessarily a reliable indicator that you have met your one-and-only person.
.jpg) |
| Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark |
For one thing, there are many people who are naturally charismatic. They know how to turn on the charm to give off the spark.
So, you might be fooled into thinking you have a strong emotional connection with someone when it's not really anything long lasting (see my article: Falling in Love With Charisma Instead of Character).
Once the initial spark fades, as it's liable to do after a while, you might find there's very little substance to your relationship (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of the Honeymoon Phase (also called Limerence)?).
In addition, most people tend to project their wants and desires onto a person they're attracted to before they even know them.
While it's easy to understand how this can happen, especially if you have had prior dating disappointments, it's important to be aware of these projections so you don't set yourself up for another disappointment when you actually get to know the person you're dating.
This doesn't mean that chemistry (or the spark) isn't important. It is. But the type of chemistry that leads to a lasting relationship takes time to develop. It doesn't happen immediately.
Chemistry that leads to a lasting connection includes physical attraction, but there's so much more:
- Strong communication
- Mutual respect
- Trust
- Emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)
- A deep understanding of each other
- Shared values
The Slow Burn
So, if the spark can be misleading, what's a better predictor of a real connection?
 |
| Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn |
The answer is: The slow burn.
Relationship experts talk about the slow burn as a type of simmering rather than a spark.
When a dating relationship is allowed to simmer, you give yourself time to get to know the other person.
During the initial dating phase, it's hard to assess if what you're feeling is real or not and if you're seeing the other person clearly. You need to see them in many different situations to get to know their character.
Here are just a few things to look for:
- Do you feel heard and understood by this person?
- Do you feel relaxed and curious around this person?
- Do their values and goals align with yours?
- Do they treat other people well, including your friends?
- Are they respectful to others, like the waitstaff at a restaurant?
- How do they talk about exes?
How Slow is the Slow Burn?
It's unfortunate that many people make their decision about whether to continue dating someone based on whether they feel a spark on the first date.
They don't take the time to get to know someone, which often leads to many first dates and nothing of substance.
.jpg) |
| Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn |
There can be so many factors as to why you or your date might not come across well on a first date, including nerves, which doesn't give you or them an accurate picture.
Of course, if you discover immediate dealbreakers, that's another story.
But many people don't take the time to think about what their dealbreakers so they end up with a long list of things that aren't necessarily dealbreakers or they have no list at all.
 |
| Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn |
Generally, you can get a sense of how well you connect with someone you're dating in 5-6 dates (more or less). By then, you generally know if you have the beginning of a connection with someone.
This doesn't mean you know whether this dating relationship will lead to a committed relationship, but it's a start.
It will take a lot more time to see whether you can form a lasting relationship over time.
Take Time After a Date to Self Reflect
Rather than rejecting someone because you didn't feel instant chemistry or, at the other extreme, thinking you found your "true love" because you felt instant chemistry, take time after a date to reflect on how you felt during the date:
- Are you curious about them?
- Did they seem curious about you?
- Did you feel heard when you spoke to your date?
.jpg) |
| Dating For a Lasting Relationship: Take Time to Self Reflect |
- Did your date dominate the conversation?
- Did you feel you had to carry the conversation?
- Did you feel energized when you were with this person?
- Did you laugh together, if that's important to you? (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter)
How to Move On When There's No Slow Burn Over Time
While it's important to allow time for things to simmer, after a while, you might realize that it's not going to happen.
 |
| Moving On When There's No Slow Burn |
If nothing is simmering, you can decide if you want to continue to give this dating relationship a chance or if you want to move on.
Being honest, kind and tactful is important, which means that ghosting is not the solution.
Talk to the person you've been dating and let them know that you're not feeling a connection with them. Give them a chance to respond. Listen to what they have to say and then make your decision.
Conclusion
Most people rely heavily on whether they feel a spark, but the spark is not a reliable indicator for many of the reasons given above.
 |
| Dating For a Lasting Relationship |
While chemistry and physical attraction are important, these qualities alone aren't good predictors of a lasting relationship.
Take your time to get to know someone before you rule them out as a possibility for a lasting relationship.
And just a note: Not everyone is looking for a monogamous relationship. Some people date to hookup. Others want a consensual nonmonogamous relationship or solo polyamory.
That's fine. Just be aware of what you want and whether the other person(s) are looking for the same thing.
Also, see my prior articles:
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
I have helped many clients to deal with relationship issues.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.