Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, has conducted relationship research for over 40 years. He is best known for predicting marital stability and divorce.
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| What Are the 5 Types of Couples? |
If you're in a relationship, understanding Dr. Gottman's classification of couples can help you to understand your relationship dynamics.
Gottman's 5 Types of Couples
Based on his 40+ years of research, Dr. Gottman has described five different types of relationships.
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| What Are the 5 Types of Relationships? |
The first three described below are considered functional couples and the last two are considered dysfunctional couples.
Here are the functional and dysfunctional classifications and below that I describe them in detail:
Functional Types of Couples:
- Conflict-Avoiding Couples
- Volatile Couples
- Validating Couples
Dysfunctional Types of Couples:
- Hostile Couples
- Hostile-Detached Couples
The 5 Types of Couples in Detail
Let's look at each category in more detail:
Conflict-Avoiding Couples
Conflict-avoiding couples prefer to focus on areas of their life where they are in mutual agreement. They value their common ground.
They like to balance their independence as well as their interdependence in the relationship. They're more likely to have separate interests as well as interests they enjoy together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).
As independent individuals in a relationship, they like to focus on areas where they overlap and where there is cooperation and negotiation.
They tend to be empathetic towards each other.
They can be low key and emotionally muted.
They're not comfortable trying to coerce their partner into doing things their way. They prefer to focus on areas where things are "good enough" between them.
Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1, which Gottman considers a healthy ratio.
There is a downside if there is too much conflict avoidance including:
- A withdrawal from conflict so conflicts remains unresolved
- Distance and breakdown in communication
- A buildup of frustration and resentment
- Stress and anxiety
- A buildup of distrust
Volatile Couples
Volatile couples tend to be the opposite of conflict avoidant couples.
These couples tend to be intensely emotional. They like to debate and argue--although they tend to be respectful and avoid insulting one another.
Their debating style tends to include humor and laughter (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships).
During their arguments, they express anger and hurt feelings, but they tend not to express contempt for each other.
Even though they might argue a lot, they focus on honesty and connection in their communication.
Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1 which is a healthy ratio.
The downside of too much volatility in a relationship includes:
- Small slights can trigger larger arguments (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Developing into Big Arguments).
- Too much volatility can lead to problems with communication if arguments go on for too long.
- Volatility can lead to hostility (see the description for Hostile Couples below)
- Too much volatility can lead to saying things each person doesn't mean and which can be hard to take back when each person is hurting.
- Ongoing volatility can create a sense of hopelessness.
Validating Couples
Validating couples tend to be somewhere between conflict avoidant couples and volatile couples.
Validating couples tend to be characterized by calm and ease (see my article: Responding to Your Partner With Emotional Attunement and Validation).
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| Validating Couples |
They tend to be empathetic towards each other and place a lot of emphasis on being supportive and validating. Basically, they go along to get along.
Although they are supportive of one another, they do confront their problems. However, they tend to choose their battles.
When they have opposing views, they can confront the issues, but they tend to work at finding a solution they can both live with to resolve the problem.
Overall, their mood is subdued and cordial.
In terms of positive to negative affect, they usually show a healthy 5:1 ratio.
The downside to too much validation in a relationship includes:
- Unhealthy validation could include overlooking problems which can prevent change and growth.
- A misinterpretation of validation as agreement rather than an attempt to understand one another even when there isn't agreement.
- Unhealthy validation can include an avoidance of conflict so that conflicts remain unresolved which can lead to each person feeling unhappy.
Hostile Couples
Hostile couples tend to have a lot of defensiveness.
Hostile couples tend to use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their arguments including:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
There tends to be a lack of empathy in hostile couples and a lot of emphasis on contempt.
They tend to focus on their own point of view with little to no attempt to try to understand their partner's side of the argument.
When they criticize each other, they tend to use exaggerated statements like "You always" and "You never."
They tend to have the same arguments over and over again without resolution. They also tend to have damaging arguments in front of their children.
Although they have frequent arguments, they also tend to regulate their arguments so that their arguments don't get out of control.
Many hostile couples can be intimacy avoidant.
Even though they might be very unhappy in the relationship, they tend to stay together where they remain attached to the hostility between them.
The ratio of positive affects to negative affects tend to be low in this type of relationship.
Hostile-Detached Couples
These couples tend to be engaged in a hostile standoff.
Although they interact in a hostile way towards each other, they are also emotionally detached. This emotional detachment can lead to loneliness for both of them.
Similar to hostile couples, hostile-detached couples also use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which, as previously mentioned, includes:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Whereas hostile couples tend to regulate their arguments so they don't get out of control, hostile-detached couples tend to keep fighting until they're exhausted and there tends to be a fair amount of emotional abuse in this type of couple.
Based on information from Dr. Gottman's research, hostile-detached couples are the most dysfunctional couples and they are more likely to get divorced as compared to the other types of couples.
The ratio of positive to negative affects is the lowest for this type of couple as compared to others.
Conclusion
Many couples don't fall neatly into a particular category, so they might be a combination of these classifications at different times in their relationship.
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| What Are the 5 Types of Relationships? |
If you're having problems in your relationship, you might find Gottman's classifications useful in understanding the dynamics in your relationship.
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.
See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?
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| Getting Help in Couples Therapy |
A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes in your relationship so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
Seeking help sooner rather than later can make a big difference.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.