I'm focusing on an important topic for many relationships: Conflict avoidant couples and infidelity.
See my prior articles:
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| Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples |
As a brief recap:
Conflict avoidant couples are couples who tend to avoid difficult conversations and conflicts. They often experience unexpressed anger, frustration and resentment which builds up over time and leads to big confrontations or to infidelity.
What Are Some of the Signs of a Conflict Avoidant Couple?
The following are some of the signs a conflict avoidant couple might experience:
- Unexpressed anger, frustration and resentment that builds up over time
- Refusing to participate in a difficult conversation
- Withdrawing from a conflict (not just taking a break, but avoiding the conflict altogether)
- A relationship based on assumptions and expectations instead of communication
- Apologizing or agreeing with a partner (when you don't agree) just to avoid an argument
- Feeling anxious at the thought of discussing something difficult with your partner
- Hiding certain things from your partner, possibly including cheating
- Focusing only on the good aspects of the relationship and avoiding problems
Why Do People in Conflict Avoidant Couples Cheat?
Cheating is not part of every relationship where a couple is avoiding conflict, but cheating is often a problem in conflict avoidant couples.
While these couples often appear happy to outside observers, the couples are often aware they have unaddressed problems within their relationship, but they don't know how to handle their problems. As a result, these issues remain unresolved.
Generally, people cheat in conflict avoidant relationships when certain circumstances come together, including:
- Mounting anger, resentment, frustration and stress in the relationship
- An inability and/or reluctance to address these problems
- An opportunity presents itself for cheating
In many cases the person who cheats has an unconscious wish to be discovered so they can get their partner's attention.
While it can be very hurtful for a couple to cope with infidelity, after the initial shock and hurt, it's important to understand how these problems developed in the relationship--whether the couple stays together or not.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignettes are composites. All identifying information has been removed to protect confidentiality.
Jean and Bob
Jean and Bob, who were both in their mid-30s, were married for five years.
During that time, Jean suspected Bob was secretly communicating with other women online because whenever she walked into the same room when Bob was on his cellphone, he would abruptly stop texting. This made her suspicious.
Since she knew his password, Jean looked on his phone and she discovered he was sexting with another woman.
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| Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples |
Jean was very hurt and angry by this discovery. When she confronted Bob, he apologized over and over again. He told her that, although he knew there was no excuse for sexting with another woman, he felt dissatisfied with their relationship for a while and sexting with another woman made him made him feel desirable.
After they began couples therapy, Bob realized he had unconsciously hoped Jean would discover his texts so he could get her attention. He said he didn't know how to communicate his dissatisfaction to her and he regretted putting their relationship at risk.
Over time they gradually worked through the hurt and anger. They learned how to rebuild trust in their relationship and communicate with each other about difficult topics.
By the time they completed couples therapy, they felt much more comfortable having difficult conversations and, overall, they were both more satisfied with their relationship.
Mark and Tom
Mark and Tom, who were in their 40s, were married for three years. They had an agreement to as a consensually nonmonogamous couple, that they would be open and honest with each other about who they wanted to get involved with before they got involved.
One day Tom discovered Mark was cheating when a friend told him that he saw Mark kissing a man at a local gay bar. This was a man Mark had not told Tom about, which went against their agreement.
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| Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples |
When Tom confronted Mark, he was shocked when Mark broke down and admitted that he had many secret affairs throughout their relationship because he felt angry, frustrated and resentful about unaddressed problems in their relationship.
After they began couples therapy, Tom felt too hurt by the extent of Mark's infidelity to forgive him, but they remained in therapy to end their relationship with as little animosity as possible.
By the end of therapy they were able to part by honoring what was good about their relationship and acknowledging they could no longer be together.
Ann and Jane
Ann and Jane, who were in their early 40s, met at a local New York City LGBTQ meeting.
Several months after they met, they moved in together.
Their friends and families thought they were "the perfect couple" because Ann and Jane only talked about the positive aspects of their relationship. However, they both knew they were avoiding talking to each other about Ann's overspending and debt.
As the years went by, they were spending less and less time together except when they both happened to be home. They were basically coexisting in the same apartment.
One day Jane found Ann's credit card bill on the kitchen table and she discovered charges she didn't recognize. Initially, she avoided confronting Ann because she was in denial and she hoped the problem would somehow go away on its own.
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| Infidelity in Conflict Avoidant Couples |
But months later Jane discovered texts from other women who were thanking Ann for expensive gift cards. At that point, Jane knew she couldn't avoid a difficult conversation any longer so she confronted Ann, who admitted she was having secret affairs outside their relationship.
During couples therapy, they learned that they had been avoiding conflicts with each other and the result was they were both feeling angry, frustrated and resentful. They also learned that their avoidance resulting in emotional estrangement between them.
In addition, Ann realized she "accidentally" left her credit card bill on the kitchen table in an unconscious attempt to get Jane's attention.
Over time, they worked through the anger, hurt and pain related to Ann's affairs. They also learned how to communicate directly with one another, work through their problems and deal with Ann's debt.
Ann also joined Debtor's Anonymous (D.A.) and she sought help to consolidate her debt.
Conclusion
Infidelity can occur in any type of relationship whether the relationship is monogamous or consensually nonmonogamous.
Cheating can occur regardless of age, sex, sexual orientation, or other factors as illustrated in the three vignettes in this article. Although the couples were different each vignette, they were all conflict avoidant.
In some instances the partner who is cheating has an unconscious wish for their partner to know about the infidelity as a way to bring to light problems they're unable to communicate about due to the conflict avoidant nature of their relationship.
Although it's difficult, most couples decide they are emotionally invested in their relationship and they don't want to end it. In many cases, they're able to work through their problems in couples therapy.
After the infidelity is discovered, many couples can learn to work through their issues and regain trust in couples therapy. However, some individuals, who have been hurt by their partner's cheating, feel the emotional pain is too much to bear, they can't trust their partner, and they end the relationship.
A skilled couples therapist has no agenda of her own. Depending upon the couple's goals in therapy, a couples therapist can work with a couple to either strengthen the relationship and rebuild trust or to end it with as little animosity as possible.
Many couples, who decide to split, also use couples therapy to learn how to talk to their children about the split and they also learn to co-parent together (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce and Co-parenting After Divorce).
Getting Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been avoiding conflicts in your relationship by "sweeping problems under the rug", you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.
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| Getting Help in Couples Therapy |
Seeking help in therapy sooner rather than later usually offers you a better chance of working through problems.
A skilled couples therapist can help you to discover and work through the negative cycle in your relationship that causes you both to avoid conflict.
You can also learn how to work through infidelity, if that's what you both choose to do, and learn to improve communication.
If you have tried unsuccessfully to resolve relationship problems, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.