The phrase "Comparison is the thief of joy" is attributed to Theodore Roosevelt and it means that comparing yourself to others and judging yourself unfavorably often leads to unhappiness (see my article: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably With Others).
Comparisons and Judgment on Social Media
These issues have become increasingly problematic now that people compare their looks, their partners, their success and everything else about their life on social media.
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| Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy |
Many people compare and judge themselves in ways that lead to shame, anxiety and depression, and other similar problems, especially among teens and young adults.
More and more people are realizing they need to take breaks from social media if they want to maintain their mental health.
What Are the Negative Effects of Comparisons and Judgment?
Whether comparisons and judgment occur on social media or in real life, the negative consequences include (but not limited to):
- Feeling envious of others
- Feeling dissatisfied with yourself
- Feeling inadequate
- Having a poor body image (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Acceptance Can Help With Body Acceptance)
- Feeling worthless
- Hopelessness
Comparison and Judgment Often Starts Early in Childhood
In her book, Come Together, Dr. Emily Nagoski writes that, even more than comparison, the real thief of joy is judgment.
I see many clients in my New York City psychotherapy practice who are unhappy because they compare and judge themselves unfavorably to others.
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| Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy |
In many cases this began when their parents compared and judged them, as young children, unfavorably to other children:
"Why can't you get better grades like your older brother?"
"Look how outgoing your friend Mary is. Why can't you be more like her?"
Although most parents don't mean to harm their children, when parents give labels to their children, children feel inadequate (see my article: Children's Roles in Dysfunctional Families).
A common example of this is when parents engage in labeling and splitting by saying to their daughters, "Gina, you're the pretty one and Ann, you're the smart one."
Not only can this pit siblings against each other, but these comparisons often cause each child to want the attributes they feel they're lacking and believe their sibling has.
What often happens is that the one who is told she's the pretty one longs to be the smart one and the one who is told she's smart one longs to be the pretty one.
I've had clients look back on their childhood photos and report cards many years later and they realized that these destructive comparisons were false.
Regardless of how their parents labeled them, they discovered years later that both they and their sibling were equally attractive and smart, but their parents created this "split" between the siblings.
How to Overcome the Tendency to Compare and Judge Yourself Unfavorably to Others
Usually by the time people come to see me for therapy, they have been traumatized by lifelong comparisons and judgments that began early in life by their parents, which they internalized and continued to do to themselves as adults.
If this type of problem hasn't reached the level of trauma where you need a mental health professional, there are some self help tips that might be helpful:
- Develop Self Awareness: Begin to notice when you're comparing and judging yourself.
- Identity Your Triggers: Become aware of what types of situations trigger these negative thoughts and feelings in you.
- Self Reflect and Focus on Your Strengths: You have unique strengths. Instead of focusing on what you think you don't have, as compared to others, focus on your strengths that you do have (see my article: What is a Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy?).
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| Reflect on Your Positive Traits and Strengths |
- Keep a Gratitude Journal: When you keep a gratitude journal, you learn to shift your focus from feelings of inadequacy, shame and envy to feelings of gratitude for what you do have (see my article: How to Keep a Gratitude Journal).
- Have a Talk With Your Inner Critic: Your inner critic was probably formed when you were young when you internalized the negative messages you received. It's only one part of you and it's often a sad and neglected part that wants attention. Although you can't get rid of any part of yourself, you can transform that part with love and attention which can help to soften it. But even if that part doesn't soften, you can ask it to step aside so it doesn't have a direct impact on you while you're working to strengthen your sense of self. Once your sense of self has been strengthened, even if that part continues to be critical, when you come from a stronger sense of self, you won't automatically believe that critical part.
- Only Compare Yourself to Yourself: Focus on your own progress instead of comparing yourself to others and judging yourself. For instance, if you go to the gym, instead of comparing yourself to a gym member who is more advanced than you and who can lift heavier weights track your own progress or give yourself credit for going to the gym.
- Limit Your Exposure to Social Media: Become aware of how you are affected by social media and reduce your time so you're not getting triggered as much. Some people have taken themselves off social media for periods of time to stop getting triggered and strengthen their sense of self.
- Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises: Meditation and breathing exercises can help you to reduce the stress and anxiety that often comes with comparisons and self judgment.
Conclusion
Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy.
If your problem isn't related to unresolved trauma, you can try to identify and overcome the triggers related to unfavorably comparisons and judgment.
Getting Help in Therapy
If self help strategies aren't working for you and you think your problems are related to unresolved trauma, consider getting help in trauma therapy.
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| Getting Help in Therapy |
A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through any underlying trauma contributes to your problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.