Coping With a Sexual Rejection From Your Partner

Conflicts are normal and inevitable in a committed relationship. After all, when two people are in a serious relationship, it's common for them to disagree about how they feel.

What's most important is how the couple communicates and how these conflicts get resolved (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship by Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

Coping With Sexual Rejection

Turning Down Your Partner's Sexual Initiation

Sexual disagreements are common in relationships especially when one person is initiating and the other person doesn't feel like having sex at that point (see my article: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?).

For instance, a common problem in relationships is discrepant desire where one person wants sex more often than the other.  The conflict might be about sexual frequency, what the couple does in bed and other important aspects of sexuality (see my article: Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives).

You should never engage in sex that you don't want.  It's important that sex be consensual, and by consensual I mean enthusiastically consensual (see my article: What is Enthusiastic Sexual Consent?).

Coping With a Sexual Rejection

So, this means that there will be times in a long term relationship when one partner might not want to have sex that is initiated by the other partner.  This is a normal part of any relationship.  

Although rejection can be hard to take, how the rejection is given and how the other partner responds is important in terms of this issue not becoming a much bigger problem.

For instance, one person might want to have sex a few times a week and the other person might only want to have sex once a week at the most.  Or, one person might want to engage in a particular sexual activity and the other partner might not be turned on by that.  These are common problems in relationships.

A sexual rejection can be especially hurtful because it can bring up emotional insecurities about being unattractive or being sexually inept.  So, how the partner, who doesn't want to engage in sex, communicates is important.

Also, be aware that if you're rejecting your partner's sexual initiation often, this could point to other problems in the relationship.  According to Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin, who wrote, Sex Talks, if you're turning down your partner a lot, you might have unspoken resentment towards your partner that's making you want to distance yourself sexually and, possibly, emotionally.  So, this is an important factor to consider and communicate to your partner.

In addition, you might not enjoy certain things your partner does in bed. This also needs to be communicated in a tactful and empathetic way by emphasizing what you would enjoy instead of criticizing your partner.

What Are the Different Types of Rejection?

• Reassuring Rejection: A reassuring rejection, where you reassure your partner that you love them, you're still attracted to them and you have enjoyed sex with them (assuming all of this is true), helps your partner to avoid personalizing your rejection.  You might also be willing to do other things like cuddle or do something else that helps to reassure your partner and maintain the emotional connection between the two of you.  Instead of just saying "No," if you're not feeling well, for instance, tell your partner that and suggest when the two of you can be sexually intimate again another time.  Be specific and plan a time to have sex (see my article: The Benefits of Scheduling Sex).

Coping With a Sexual Rejection

• Hostile Rejection: A hostile rejection often includes anger, frustration, impatience,  criticism or contempt. It can also include the "silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Assertive Rejection: An assertive rejection makes your point, but it often comes across as too direct and devoid of feeling for your partner.  Although you're being honest about how you feel, you're also disregarding their feelings.

• Deflecting Rejection: A deflecting rejection is when you pretend you don't know your partner is interested in sex. You might pretend to be asleep to avoid dealing with the issue. You might also deflect verbally by changing the subject and avoiding your partner's sexual initiation. Your partner will probably recognize that you're deflecting and feel hurt about it.

It's obvious from the descriptions above that the best way to handle rejecting your partner is to give your partner reassurance. Your partner might still feel hurt, but this is part of being in a relationship and a reassuring rejection is much more tactful and empathetic than any of the others.

Coping With a Sexual Rejection From Your Partner

Assuming your partner has given you a reassuring rejection where they tell you that they love you, they're still attracted to you and they usually enjoy sex with you, how you respond to the rejection can either help maintain the overall well-being of your relationship or, if you respond by getting angry and frustrated, it can hurt your relationship.

Sexual rejection can trigger old unresolved emotional wounds that make you feel inadequate--like you're "not good enough" or "not lovable."  In the moment, it can be hard to distinguish your old emotional wounds from the current situation.  So, you might need to take time to calm yourself and get some perspective (see my article: Healing Old Emotional Wounds That Are Affecting Your Relationship).

Coping With a Sexual Rejection

For the overall health of the relationship, it can be destructive to respond to a reassuring sexual rejection with hostility, anger, frustration or by stonewalling.

If you give your partner a negative or hostile response, you're communicating to your partner that you're unable to tolerate their feelings when they don't want sex when you do.  

You probably wouldn't do this in other areas of your life together. For instance, if you want to go out for Italian food and your partner prefers Japanese food, you probably would try to compromise--you'll have Japanese food today and they'll agree to have Italian food next week.  

The problem is that when it comes to sex, people often experience rejection as a wound to their sexual self esteem because sex is the most intimate experience you and your partner can have and you're emotionally vulnerable, so a rejection can feel especially wounding.  

But if sex is normally good between you and everything else in the relationship is basically going well, you need to learn to tolerate an occasional rejection without retaliating against your partner or trying to even the score if you want your relationship to work.

Improving Sexual Communication

When you're feeling calm, you can communicate to your partner that, while you respect your partner's right to turn down sex when they don't want it, you feel badly about the rejection and you want to talk about it when you're both feeling up to it.

Coping With a Sexual Rejection

This talk shouldn't be used as a ploy to make your partner feel ashamed or guilty.  It's a discussion where each of you can talk openly and find out how you each feel about sex between you.

If your partner is tired or not feeling well, for instance, don't try to pressure them to have sex at that time. Be kind and considerate.  After all, if you're in a committed relationship, there will be other opportunities to have sex.

How you respond to their sexual rejection can make all the difference to the emotional and sexual connection between the two of you.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If the problem isn't just a passing thing, that's a different matter.  

For instance, if your partner has either lost interest in sex or there's another significant problem, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no physical exam, touching or sex during sex therapy session (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is for individual adults and couples who seek help for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Many couples wait until their sexual problems get worse before they seek help.  So, it's important to know that the sooner you seek help in sex therapy, the better the chances are for working through these problems.

If you're having sexual problems, seek help so you can improve your sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

Most people think that spontaneous sex is the best kind of sex--this is sex that occurs in the heat of the moment when two people can't keep their hands off each other no matter what they're doing and where they are. 

 

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

Spontaneous sex is the kind of sex that you see in movies where the characters suddenly rip each other's clothes off because they can't wait one more moment to have sex (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire With the Sex Drive Simmer Technique).

But the reality for most people is that they're leading such busy lives that sex is often neglected or put last after taking care of the kids, doing the chores, work and other demands on their lives--especially for people in long term relationships.

When a couple hasn't had sex in a while, it can be hard to get back into it and, for many couples, even harder to talk about it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Usually it's the person with the stronger sex drive that brings it up in a tentative, half-joking way so as not to get hurt by the possibility of a rejection.

Then person, who might have a lower sex drive, feels guilty and burdened by their partner's need for sex.  The person with the lower sex drive might acquiesce to having more sex, but they often don't enjoy it because they feel like they're doing it for their partner instead of being something that they want for themselves as well as for the relationship.

The Benefits of Scheduled Sex

Many couples who come to see me in my private practice in New York City seek help because they're either having infrequent sex, unsatisfying sex or no sex at all.  

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

They will often say that they had a great sex life when the relationship was new and before they got busy in their lives with their children and other responsibilities.  But, over time, sex became less of a priority--until so much time had passed that it felt too difficult to initiate sex again (see my articles: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style? and What If You and Your Partner Have Different Initiation Styles?).

Sex therapists often recommend that couples, who find themselves in this situation, experiment with scheduling sex.  Many people respond dubiously to this recommendation, but there are many benefits to scheduling sex.

In addition, what probably seemed like "spontaneous sex" when two people were dating wasn't really so spontaneous.  First of all, there's planning involved with dating, including choosing an activity, what clothes to wear, daydreaming about what it will be like, planning a day to meet and deciding on the question of "Your place or mine?" 

So, what seemed like it was "spontaneous sex" when you were dating was actually a planned sexual activity with a buildup of anticipation, sexual energy and dopamine (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

Once you're living together and you're seeing each other all the time, you lose a lot of the anticipation, sexual energy and dopamine because the two of you are spending a lot of time together. You've become familiar to each other--like family, and that takes away much of the mystery and excitement (see my article: The Madonna-Whore Complex is Still Alive and Well Today).

Once you're spending a lot of time together, the two of you need to find ways to create that sexual excitement and scheduling sex (as unsexy as it might sound at first) is one way to do this.

So, let's look at the benefits of scheduling sex with your partner?

• Making a Commitment to Prioritize Sex: Often when a couple doesn't schedule sex, it doesn't happen because you both get busy. Life has a way of crowding out sex, so you keep putting it off until a lot of time has passed. So, when you make a commitment to have sex on certain days or at certain times, you're more likely to follow through with it if it's important to both of you.

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

• Creating Longing and Anticipation: One of the primary benefits of scheduling sex is that you both get to look forward to it with longing and anticipation. This helps to stimulate sexual excitement that builds from the time you scheduled it to the time you have sex.

• Giving You Time to Think About What You Might Enjoy: Just like planning a vacation can be half the fun, giving yourself time to think about what you might enjoy sexually helps to get you in the mood for sex and adds to your enjoyment.

• Reviving Your Sexual and Emotional Connection: In a prior article, I mentioned that some people need to feel an emotional connection to have sex and others need to have sex to feel the emotional connection. If you both know that there is a time to have sex, you can look forward to both the emotional and sexual connection (see my article: Whereas Women Often Need an Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

The Benefits of Scheduling Sex

• Helping You Avoid Future Dry Spells: When you have scheduled a time to have sex, you're more likely to avoid dry spells where long periods of time go by before you have sex again. The longer you wait to have sex, the more difficult it is to get going again.

• Providing a Time and Place to Explore, Experiment and Be Playful: Maybe one of the reasons you and your partner might have entered into a dry spell was because you both got into a sexual rut where you did the same things over and over again until these sexual activities got boring. If you have agreed on a time to have sex, you can also use that time to be playful and explore other aspects of sex.  Maybe you'll try a new sex toy or a sexual position you haven't tried before. Maybe you'll talk about your sexual fantasies or do a role play you would both enjoy. Whatever you try that's new, it's a chance to add novelty to your sex life to keep it fun and exciting (see my article: The Power of Novelty to Enhance Sexual Desire in Your Relationship).

• Decreasing Stress: Sex can be a great way to relieve stress.  Many people talk about how relaxed and refreshed they feel after having sex--whether they have an orgasm or not.

How to Schedule Sex

• Find a Day and Time That Works For Both of You: Whether you choose certain days and times on a weekly basis or you plan it from week to week, talk to your partner about times to have sex when it's convenient for both of you. You might need to negotiate the time too because it's not unusual for one person to be a morning person and the other to be a night owl so you'll need to find a compromise. Then, once you've decided on the schedule, write it down in a shared calendar.

• Stick With the Schedule as Best as You Can: Aside from emergencies, try to stick to the schedule so that each of you show your commitment to yourself and each other.  This doesn't mean that if the days you planned turn out not to work that you can't change it. But don't give up your scheduled sex time to accommodate other friends and family for non-urgent matters.

• Be Flexible About Your Sexual Activities: If you and your partner made a plan to have sex every Saturday night and Sunday morning, be flexible about what you plan to do. Depending upon your energy level, sexual activities can mean different things--it doesn't always mean intercourse.  For instance, on some days when you're feeling energetic and you have more time, you might plan to spend a few hours in bed experimenting with role plays or sex toys with lots of foreplay.  Other days, when you're tired, you might both be in the mood for a quickie or spend the time engaging in oral sex. So, try to expand your definition of sex beyond intercourse to accommodate both of your moods and energy (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you have tried to improve your sex life without success, you could benefit from sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?

Many individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

In my last article, Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?, I introduced the idea of sexual initiation styles.  In the current article, I'm addressing a problem that frequently comes up in sex therapy, which is dealing with different sexual initiation styles in your relationship.

Sexual Initiation Styles

Disclaimer: Before I continue, I want to remind people that this is a short article with general information for a complex topic, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone. This article isn't a substitute for therapy. The best way to resolve your sexual problems is to seek help directly from a sex therapist.

Similar to some of the previous articles, the information in this article is based on what I have observed in my sex therapy private practice in New York City as well as Vanessa Marin's wonderful book, Sex Talks.

Recap of Sexual Initiation Styles

In the previous article, I discussed the different sexual initiation styles in detail as they are outlined in Ms. Marin's book.  As I mentioned in the last article, there is no one style that's better than another.

You or your partner might not fit neatly into one category or another. You might be a combination of categories or maybe sometimes one or both of you might be more in the mood to initiate in a certain way that's different from how you normally initiate.

What's most important is for you and your partner to start thinking about these initiation styles to become aware of them and how to make them work for you as a couple.

As a recap, Ms. Marin discusses the following sexual initiation styles in her book (for a more detailed explanation, see my previous article):

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): You like sexual energy to simmer and build over time (see my article: The Sex Drive Simmer).

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): You need to feel nurtured by your partner.

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun.

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get in the mood for sex, you need to feel desired.

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): You need emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy.

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): You get turned on by physical touch, which makes you feel sexually alive.

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

For many people just considering what their own sexual initiation style is daunting. It takes self reflection and feedback from your partner.  This would be the same for your partner.

Although it might seem intimidating at first, knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can resolve many sexual problems that couples have.

For instance, if you're turned off by a partner who approaches you without any foreplay and says, "Hey babe, do you wanna do it?," it's helpful to be able to tell your partner how you prefer to be approached (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Different Sexual Initiation Styles

On the other hand, you might be someone who gets turned on by the "Do you wanna do it?" approach. But for many people, especially women, this would be a turn off (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets Women Sexually Turned On?).

Similarly, if you're the one who always initiates, you might wonder if your partner is just having sex to appease you. You might want your partner to initiate sex sometimes just to know your partner wants you sexually, and you need to be able to communicate this to your partner.

According to Ms. Marin, it's best to think of sexual initiation as an invitation. 

She provides an interesting example that often doesn't work for couples who haven't had sex in a while where one partner, who is anxious about initiating sex says something like, "Gee, we haven't had sex in a while. Do you wanna it?" in a half-hearted way.

Not only is this awkward for both people, it's also not much an invitation at all.

As a comparison, she mentions that most people wouldn't invite a friend out to dinner a similarly half-hearted way, "Gee we haven't seen each other in a while. You wouldn't wanna go out to dinner, would you?"

Instead, if you wanted to see your friend and you looked forward to having dinner with them, you would be a lot more enthusiastic. Aside from providing a more enthusiastic invitation, you might tell your friend about the great new Italian restaurant in the neighborhood with delicious ravioli as a way to entice them to go.

Similarly, your invitation to your partner needs to be enticing and also make them feel sexually desirable and turned on (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint? - Part 1 and Part 2).

Clinical Vignette: A Couple With Different Sexual Initiation Styles

The following clinical scenario is based on a composite of cases with all identifying information removed. The scenario illustrates how each partner learns about their own and their partner's sexual initiation style in sex therapy and how this improves their sex life:

Nina and John

A year into their relationship, after the new relationship energy had worn off, Nina and John began having sexual problems.

During the first several months of their relationship, they both felt sexually passionate so it didn't matter who initiated or how they initiated because they were both eager to have sex with each other all the time.

This initial phase of a relationship is called the limerence phase--an involuntary period when two people are infatuated and often obsessed with each other.  Generally, the limerence phase lasts anywhere from three months to two years.

After Nina and John moved in together and they had more mundane concerns, like who cleans the bathroom and who takes out the garbage. Seeing each other everyday and dealing with the realities of everyday life caused the sexual energy between them to cool down--as it does for most couples after the limerence phase.

Both of them were in their mid-30s and neither of them had ever been in a long term relationship before, so they never experienced what it was like to go beyond the limerence phase of a relationship.

After a year, sex was awkward between them. Nina often felt exhausted late at night and she resented when John would tap on her thigh when they were in bed together late at night as a way to initiate sex.

Most of the time, Nina would tell John she was just too tired. But on those occasions when she agreed to have sex, she wasn't turned on at all. She just went along with it to please him--hoping that he would have an orgasm so she could go to sleep.  

John was aware that Nina wasn't turned on and this made him anxious. Sometimes the anxiety and the feeling that Nina didn't want him sexually would cause him to lose his erection due to his sexual anxiety (see my article: How Sex Therapy Can Help With Sexual Anxiety).

So, due to feeling rejected and anxious and a fear of losing his erection, John rushed through sex as quickly as he could. He didn't engage in any foreplay because he knew that Nina wanted to just get it over with so she could go to sleep.

Afterwards, they each laid in bed feeling empty and alone before they drifted off to sleep.  Since they didn't know how to talk to each other about sex, the problem worsened over time.

Eventually, after a few months went by without sex, John summoned the courage to tell Nina that they needed to get help in sex therapy for their problem.  He was relieved when Nina agreed.

After the initial family and sexual history taking phase of sex therapy, their sex therapist explained the limerence phase and how sex tends to be less spontaneous and passionate than it was before. 

She also explained that, based on how each of them described their sexuality, Nina experienced responsive sexual desire and John experienced spontaneous sexual desire, which was a big part of the problem between them (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire Are Both Normal).

Then, their sex therapist went over their typical sex script, which didn't vary much from one sexual encounter to the next, and Nina and John both began to realize why sex wasn't working for them (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Over time, Nina and John learned what turned each of them on and what turned each of them off (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

John realized that Nina just went along with sex because she was usually too tired when he initiated sex late at night and she wasn't turned on.

Nina realized when John saw that she was just trying to get it over with, he felt anxious and rejected.

As they continued to attend their sex therapy sessions, they both learned how they each liked sex to be initiated.

Nina realized she needed to feel emotionally connected to John first before she became sexually aroused because her style was "Connect With Me." She told John that she needed to re-establish the emotional connection with him when they both got home from work before feeling comfortable enough to enjoy sex.  

She also needed to have sex earlier in the evening. And, like most women, she didn't have an orgasm from just sexual intercourse--she needed clitoral stimulation (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Heterosexual Women and Men).

John realized that he was more of a "Touch Me" sexual style.  All he needed was Nina to touch him--even in a non-sexual way--and that touch combined with his spontaneous sexual desire was enough to get him turned on if he knew Nina wanted to have sex.  They were also able to talk about those times when he felt anxious about initiating with her and how that resulted in his loss of an erection.

Their sex therapist encouraged John and Nina to change their sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Since Nina needed more time to get sexually aroused, the sex therapist encouraged John to slow down, take the time to connect with Nina after they both got home from work and allow  sexual foreplay to take precedence over intercourse (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).  

She encouraged John and Nina to be more playful in their sexual exploration and not to assume that their initial attempts would be successful right away.

After a while, John was still primarily the one who initiated sex, which both he and Nina didn't mind.  But he was much more aware of what Nina needed in terms of his sexual initiation to feel sexually turned on.  He spent more time with sexual foreplay, including oral sex. 

Combining Sexual Initiation Styles

And, once she was turned on, Nina enjoyed engaging in John's preferred "Touch Me" style.  On days when she initiated sex, Nina was able to ask John to cuddle and talk with her first before she did what she knew got him turned on, including oral sex.

When John felt how much Nina wanted him, he no longer felt anxious and rejected so he didn't have erectile problems.

Although it might sound like they were able to resolve their sexual problems in a short time, in reality, discovering your own and your partner's sexual likes and dislikes takes time. 

For many couples just being able to talk about sex is a major obstacle to overcome.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

If you're struggling with sexual problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more enjoyable sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Relationships: What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

I'm continuing to focus on the book, Sex Talks, by Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin with the topic of sexual initiation styles (see my related articles listed at the end of this article).

Problems With Sexual Initiation in Long Term Relationships

During the early stage of a relationship the excitement and passion of new relationship energy often helps to facilitate sexual initiation.

Sexual Initiation Styles

This is the stage when sex occurs often and easily because you're responding to each other's sexual vibes. 

It's also the stage when neither of you are worried about who will initiate because you know you're feeling a sexual yearning and can't keep your hands off each other (see my article: A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation).

But as passion naturally settles over time, the issue of who initiates sex can become problematic in relationships (see my article: Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

So, it's important to understand your own and your partner's sexual initiation style.  

So, let's consider the six sexual initiation styles as described in Sex Talks.

What is Your Sexual Initiation Style?

According to Vanessa Marin, you might identify with one or more of these sexual initiation styles or you might discover that you're either a combination of certain styles or what you like might depend on your mood.  

As you read over these sexual initiation styles, consider what resonates with you and how this compares with your partner's style.

• "Excite Me" (The Slow Burn): To feel sexual desire, you need sexual energy to simmer and build over time. You enjoy sexual longing and anticipation. You're not as likely to respond to a request to hop into bed. You prefer a build up of playful energy during a romantic evening with sexy glances, flirty banter and sensual touches.  This erotic build up can help to get you in the mood (see my article: Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique).

Sexual Initiation Styles: "Excite Me"

• "Take Care of Me" (The Caretaker): For you to feel sexual, you need to feel nurtured by your partner. You might have so much on your mind that you need to feel taken care of by your partner in order to get in the mood for sex. So, if your partner is especially loving and nurturing, you can relax and ease into a sexy mood. 

Sexual Initiation Style: Take Care of Me

• "Play With Me" (Let's Have Some Fun): You get sexually turned on when your partner is playful and fun. Part of your personal eroticism is humor and your partner making you laugh. Laughing helps to ease tension and stress so you can relax into having sex. You love having an inside joke with your partner or a fun, sexy secret that only the two of you understand. Humor is an emotional aphrodisiac for you (see my article: Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness).

Sexual Initiation Style: Play With Me

• "Desire Me" (Wanting to Be Wanted): To get into the mood for sex, you need to feel desired. You want your partner to show you that you're irresistibly sexy and desirable. Your partner can show this through glances, words, touches and behavior like spontaneous kissing or pushing you up against the wall for sex. You like to feel the immediacy of your partner's desire. Not only do they want you--they want you right now (see my article: Based on Sex Research: What Gets a Women Turned On?).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Desire Me

• "Connect With Me" (Let's Talk): Getting sexually turned on for you involves emotional connection. You need emotional intimacy before you're ready for sexual intimacy. Sharing an emotional moment through an intimate talk and feeling that your partner is emotionally attuned to you is an aphrodisiac for you (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Connect With Me

• "Touch Me" (Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me): Physical touch is what turns you on and makes you feel sexually alive. Physical touch can mean passionate kissing, sensual massage or cuddling.  You might be someone who experiences spontaneous sexual desire if your partner knows how to touch you in a way that makes that spark come alive for you (see my article: Savoring Pleasure).

Sexual Initiation Styles: Touch Me

What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

It's not unusual for two people in a relationship to have different sexual initiation styles.  This will be the subject of my next article: What If You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Initiation Styles?

Conclusion

Knowing your own and your partner's sexual initiation style can revive sex in a long term relationship where sexual energy needs to be revived.

As previously mentioned, you can have more than one sexual initiation style or a combination of styles depending upon your mood, the context, who you're with, and various other factors.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy for individuals and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

People seek help from sex therapists, who are licensed mental health professionals, for many different reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no touch, physical exam or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Previous Articles Based on the Sex Talks:

How Women Can Be More Assertive About Getting Their Sexual Needs Met

Understanding Why You and Your Partner Might Experience Differences in Sexual Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Arousal

Sexual Exploration: Substitute the Words: "What's Your Fantasy" with "What Are You Sexually Curious About?"

Keeping Sex Alive in Your Relationship is a Team Sport

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

 

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire Using the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

In the last several articles I've written about sex and sex therapy, I have been focusing on the book, Sex Talks by Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

In her book, she discussed a technique called the Sex Drive Simmer that has the potential to create sexual desire for individuals and couples.

I'll discuss more about the Sex Drive Simmer technique later on in this article.

What is Sexual Energy?

First, I want to focus on defining sexual energy since this is a crucial part of the Sex Drive Simmer technique.

Most people associate sexual energy with the sexual tension between two people. Although this is one definition of sexual energy, it's not the only one and it's not the one I'm referring to in this article.

Your sexual energy is your life force and it contributes to your vitality, creativity and your overall sense of well-being.

Tips on How to Connect With Your Sexual Energy

To connect with your sexual energy you need to become aware of your body and how energy flows in your body.

 

The Body Scan Meditation:

One way to become aware of your body is to do the Body Scan Meditation. Choose a quiet time and place when you won't be interrupted for at least 5-10 minutes.

The Body Scan Meditation

Start by closing your eyes and doing the Square Breathing exercise to calm and ground yourself.  

Then, focus on the crown of your head and slowly bring your awareness to the rest of your body and notice where you're holding onto any tension.

As you're scanning your body, notice what's happening with the energy in your body. This often takes practice, but if you do the body scan once a day for at least a few minutes, you'll start to notice what's happening energetically in your body. 

Eventually, you'll probably notice that energy moves subtly throughout the body and you can track it.  

After a while, if you keep practicing, you'll also notice how your sexual energy ebbs and flows throughout the day.

As an Aside: People who do Kundalini yoga become especially adept at feeling how sexual energy flows throughout their body. I'm just mentioning it here, but it's outside the scope of this article for me to go into this in detail for the purpose of this article.

In general, being able to detect, develop and maintain a degree of sexual energy is predicated on your overall health and how well you take care of yourself with regard to eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, and exercising at a rate that's healthy and right for you.

What is the Sex Drive Simmer Technique?

As I mentioned earlier, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the Sex Drive Simmering technique in her book, Sex Talks.  

She recommends that, instead of trying to get sexually turned on before you have sex with your partner, you use this technique right after you have sex and keep the sexual energy simmering until the next time you have sex.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

As an example, if you and your partner have sex on a Sunday morning, right after you have sex, focus on maintaining a degree of sexual arousal that you can continue to develop and build for the next time you have sex.

This is in contrast to what most people do. Specifically, most people, who are having problems with sex in their relationship, wait until they have sex again to try to develop sexual desire, but this is often a setup for failure when sexual desire is the problem.

To understand why waiting can be a problem, Ms. Marin compares waiting to get turned on to boiling water in a pot. If you start with ice cold water, it's going to take much longer for the water to boil than if you already had the water simmering on the stove.

Similarly, if you can maintain a even a low level of sexual desire between one sexual encounter and the next, all other things being equal, you'll be more likely to enjoy sex.

How to Get the Sex Drive Simmer Technique Going

Everyone's degree of sexual desire is going to look different depending upon what gets you sexually turned on and whether you experience responsive desire or spontaneous desire.

There is no right or wrong way to do the Sex Drive Simmer technique. It all depends on what you enjoy sexually.

You can use imagination and experiment to see what works for you.

Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire

The main thing is that you want to increase your sexual awareness in your body and create and build sexual desire.  

Here are things that have worked for sex therapy clients in the past.  

They may or may not work for you depending upon your situation and what you like.

I'm not recommending these things since I don't know you or your partner and what might work best for the two of you.  This is just information about what worked for other clients, which might spark some ideas for you.

    Core Physical Exercises

For some people keeping sexual energy alive involves doing certain core exercises (core exercises include doing planks, crunches, dead bugs, glute bridges and other similar exercises).  

Remember: If you decide to try these exercises, it's very important before beginning any exercise routine, that you check with your doctor first.

Some people say that when they do core exercises, they can feel sexual energy in their genitals. 

These are often people who are sensitive to sexual energy while doing core exercises and some even say they experience orgasms while working on their core. These orgasms have been labeled "Coregasms."  

Although some people say they have this experience, many others say they don't.  So, this isn't something that happens to everyone.

    Psychological Sexual Stimulation

Other people find ways to generate the Sex Drive Simmer through psychological stimulation (also known as psychogenic stimulation).  

This might involve thinking about your favorite sexual fantasies (if you're aware of them) or your peak sexual experiences, watching ethical pornography or whatever you can do to get yourself sexually aroused on a psychological level.

Keeping an Erotic Journal

Many people find it helpful to maintain an erotic journal to write down their peak sexual experiences, sexual fantasies or other important sexual memories.

When you're working with the Sex Drive Simmer technique, you're not necessarily trying to have orgasms. You're mostly trying to maintain some sexual energy bubbling up so that when you and your partner have sex again, you can tap into this energy and you'll already be turned on before you start having sex.

    Generating Sexual Anticipation: Planning a Sex Date With Your Partner

Sexual anticipation falls within the psychological stimulation category.

A lot of people initially dislike hearing their sex therapist ask them to do homework assignments between therapy sessions.  One assignment can be planning a sex date.  

A sex date is a designated time planned in advance when a couple agrees to have sex at home.

Many of these clients who dislike this assignment (at first) mostly dislike it because they're not approaching it with the right attitude and they need to reframe it for themselves.

The reframe is that, instead of dreading the exercise or expecting it to be boring or mechanical, you and your partner learn to look forward to it with sexual longing and anticipation, which is like an aphrodisiac.  

Sexual longing and anticipation assumes that you and your partner can learn to have the kind of sex which each of you can look forward to and enjoy. 

I know that many clients who come to sex therapy don't start out necessarily wanting the sex they've been having or they're having very infrequent sex or no sex at all.

Needless to say, no one wants to have sex they don't enjoy.  So, it's possible that if this is the case for you and your partner, you'll have to work on this aspect of your sex life before you plan a sex date.

In addition, there could be other factors involved, like sexual pain, significant sexual anxiety or other physical or psychological obstacles that need to be addressed first.

However, if there aren't these or other obstacles, many people learn to look forward to planning a sex date in much the same way they did before when they were dating.

Potential Obstacles to Generating Sexual Desire With the Sex Drive Simmer Technique

Aside from the physical or psychological issues mentioned, there can be other obstacles.

A common problem that could get in the way at first is sexual desire discrepancy where one person wants sex more than the other.

There are also many couples where the relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that the couple needs to work on their emotional connection first before they work on their sexual issues.

Other couples have tried unsuccessfully so many times to revive their emotional and sexual connection that they feel hopeless and too afraid to even try again because they don't want to encounter failure.

Unfortunately, many couples wait until it's too late to work on these issues in therapy. So, be aware that the longer you wait, the tougher it will be to resolve them.

Also, many couples go to couples therapists assuming that these therapists are trained in sex therapy, but this is often not the case.  

In fact, as difficult as this might be to believe, most psychotherapists get no training in how to help individuals and couples to overcome sexual problems.  This is also true for many medical doctors.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you have been experiencing sexual problems as an individual or as part of a couple, seek help in sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist will do a thorough assessment of your situation and work with you to help you resolve your problems. 

Rather than struggling on your own and possibly allowing your situation to deteriorate further, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.