In the last several articles I've written about sex and sex therapy, I have been focusing on the book, Sex Talks by Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin.
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| Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire |
In her book, she discussed a technique called the Sex Drive Simmer that has the potential to create sexual desire for individuals and couples.
I'll discuss more about the Sex Drive Simmer technique later on in this article.
What is Sexual Energy?
First, I want to focus on defining sexual energy since this is a crucial part of the Sex Drive Simmer technique.
Most people associate sexual energy with the sexual tension between two people. Although this is one definition of sexual energy, it's not the only one and it's not the one I'm referring to in this article.
Your sexual energy is your life force and it contributes to your vitality, creativity and your overall sense of well-being.
Tips on How to Connect With Your Sexual Energy
To connect with your sexual energy you need to become aware of your body and how energy flows in your body.
The Body Scan Meditation:
One way to become aware of your body is to do the Body Scan Meditation. Choose a quiet time and place when you won't be interrupted for at least 5-10 minutes.
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| The Body Scan Meditation |
Start by closing your eyes and doing the Square Breathing exercise to calm and ground yourself.
Then, focus on the crown of your head and slowly bring your awareness to the rest of your body and notice where you're holding onto any tension.
As you're scanning your body, notice what's happening with the energy in your body. This often takes practice, but if you do the body scan once a day for at least a few minutes, you'll start to notice what's happening energetically in your body.
Eventually, you'll probably notice that energy moves subtly throughout the body and you can track it.
After a while, if you keep practicing, you'll also notice how your sexual energy ebbs and flows throughout the day.
As an Aside: People who do Kundalini yoga become especially adept at feeling how sexual energy flows throughout their body. I'm just mentioning it here, but it's outside the scope of this article for me to go into this in detail for the purpose of this article.
In general, being able to detect, develop and maintain a degree of sexual energy is predicated on your overall health and how well you take care of yourself with regard to eating nutritious food, getting enough sleep, and exercising at a rate that's healthy and right for you.
What is the Sex Drive Simmer Technique?
As I mentioned earlier, Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin discusses the Sex Drive Simmering technique in her book, Sex Talks.
She recommends that, instead of trying to get sexually turned on before you have sex with your partner, you use this technique right after you have sex and keep the sexual energy simmering until the next time you have sex.
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| Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire |
As an example, if you and your partner have sex on a Sunday morning, right after you have sex, focus on maintaining a degree of sexual arousal that you can continue to develop and build for the next time you have sex.
This is in contrast to what most people do. Specifically, most people, who are having problems with sex in their relationship, wait until they have sex again to try to develop sexual desire, but this is often a setup for failure when sexual desire is the problem.
To understand why waiting can be a problem, Ms. Marin compares waiting to get turned on to boiling water in a pot. If you start with ice cold water, it's going to take much longer for the water to boil than if you already had the water simmering on the stove.
Similarly, if you can maintain a even a low level of sexual desire between one sexual encounter and the next, all other things being equal, you'll be more likely to enjoy sex.
How to Get the Sex Drive Simmer Technique Going
Everyone's degree of sexual desire is going to look different depending upon what gets you sexually turned on and whether you experience responsive desire or spontaneous desire.
There is no right or wrong way to do the Sex Drive Simmer technique. It all depends on what you enjoy sexually.
You can use imagination and experiment to see what works for you.
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| Creating the Potential For Sexual Desire |
The main thing is that you want to increase your sexual awareness in your body and create and build sexual desire.
Here are things that have worked for sex therapy clients in the past.
They may or may not work for you depending upon your situation and what you like.
I'm not recommending these things since I don't know you or your partner and what might work best for the two of you. This is just information about what worked for other clients, which might spark some ideas for you.
Core Physical Exercises
For some people keeping sexual energy alive involves doing certain core exercises (core exercises include doing planks, crunches, dead bugs, glute bridges and other similar exercises).
Remember: If you decide to try these exercises, it's very important before beginning any exercise routine, that you check with your doctor first.
Some people say that when they do core exercises, they can feel sexual energy in their genitals.
These are often people who are sensitive to sexual energy while doing core exercises and some even say they experience orgasms while working on their core. These orgasms have been labeled "Coregasms."
Although some people say they have this experience, many others say they don't. So, this isn't something that happens to everyone.
Psychological Sexual Stimulation
Other people find ways to generate the Sex Drive Simmer through psychological stimulation (also known as psychogenic stimulation).
This might involve thinking about your favorite sexual fantasies (if you're aware of them) or your peak sexual experiences, watching ethical pornography or whatever you can do to get yourself sexually aroused on a psychological level.
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| Keeping an Erotic Journal |
Many people find it helpful to maintain an erotic journal to write down their peak sexual experiences, sexual fantasies or other important sexual memories.
When you're working with the Sex Drive Simmer technique, you're not necessarily trying to have orgasms. You're mostly trying to maintain some sexual energy bubbling up so that when you and your partner have sex again, you can tap into this energy and you'll already be turned on before you start having sex.
Generating Sexual Anticipation: Planning a Sex Date With Your Partner
Sexual anticipation falls within the psychological stimulation category.
A lot of people initially dislike hearing their sex therapist ask them to do homework assignments between therapy sessions. One assignment can be planning a sex date.
A sex date is a designated time planned in advance when a couple agrees to have sex at home.
Many of these clients who dislike this assignment (at first) mostly dislike it because they're not approaching it with the right attitude and they need to reframe it for themselves.
The reframe is that, instead of dreading the exercise or expecting it to be boring or mechanical, you and your partner learn to look forward to it with sexual longing and anticipation, which is like an aphrodisiac.
Sexual longing and anticipation assumes that you and your partner can learn to have the kind of sex which each of you can look forward to and enjoy.
I know that many clients who come to sex therapy don't start out necessarily wanting the sex they've been having or they're having very infrequent sex or no sex at all.
Needless to say, no one wants to have sex they don't enjoy. So, it's possible that if this is the case for you and your partner, you'll have to work on this aspect of your sex life before you plan a sex date.
In addition, there could be other factors involved, like sexual pain, significant sexual anxiety or other physical or psychological obstacles that need to be addressed first.
However, if there aren't these or other obstacles, many people learn to look forward to planning a sex date in much the same way they did before when they were dating.
Potential Obstacles to Generating Sexual Desire With the Sex Drive Simmer Technique
Aside from the physical or psychological issues mentioned, there can be other obstacles.
A common problem that could get in the way at first is sexual desire discrepancy where one person wants sex more than the other.
There are also many couples where the relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that the couple needs to work on their emotional connection first before they work on their sexual issues.
Other couples have tried unsuccessfully so many times to revive their emotional and sexual connection that they feel hopeless and too afraid to even try again because they don't want to encounter failure.
Unfortunately, many couples wait until it's too late to work on these issues in therapy. So, be aware that the longer you wait, the tougher it will be to resolve them.
Also, many couples go to couples therapists assuming that these therapists are trained in sex therapy, but this is often not the case.
In fact, as difficult as this might be to believe, most psychotherapists get no training in how to help individuals and couples to overcome sexual problems. This is also true for many medical doctors.
Getting Help in Sex Therapy
If you have been experiencing sexual problems as an individual or as part of a couple, seek help in sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).
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| Getting Help in Sex Therapy |
Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy. There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).
Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different reasons (see my article: What Are the Most Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).
A skilled sex therapist will do a thorough assessment of your situation and work with you to help you resolve your problems.
Rather than struggling on your own and possibly allowing your situation to deteriorate further, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.