Many people don't understand the difference between being assertive and being aggression, so I think it's worthwhile to define each of these terms and differentiate them from one another.
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| Assertiveness vs Aggressive Behavior |
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs, feelings and boundaries with confidence, clarity and respect. While being assertive, you're not diminishing or violating the rights of others.
What is Aggression?
Aggression attempts to control, manipulate or intimidate others to get your own way. This often violates boundaries and damages relationships.
What is the Difference Between Assertiveness and Aggression?
Based on the descriptions above, the difference between assertiveness and aggression lies in whether you respect yourself and others, which would be assertiveness, or prioritizing yourself at the expense of others, which would be aggressive.
Let's take a closer look at the differences between assertiveness and aggression:
Intent:
- Assertiveness seeks understanding, resolution and mutual respect.
- Aggression is often fueled by a desire to control, win or punish.
Respect For Others:
- Assertive behavior seeks to consider the needs of others while expressing your own needs.
- Aggressive behavior often disregards the needs and feelings of others.
Emotional State:
- Assertiveness is usually calm, rational and firm.
- Aggression is usually emotionally charged and accompanied by anger or contempt.
Focus:
- Assertiveness focuses on the problem using "I" statements.
- Aggression focuses on attacking and blaming the other person using "you" statements.
Why Is It Important to Know the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Behavior?
- Long Term Impact: Assertiveness seeks to build trust, self esteem and healthier, more productive relationships.
- Consequences: Aggression causes resentment, fear and disconnection.
- Cultural Context: Women, people of color and others are often labeled as "aggressive" for behavior that is viewed as "assertive" in others. This makes it important to recognize and challenge these biases.
Examples:
Joe:
After a contentious staff meeting where Joe attempted to intimidate and dominate his colleagues, his director confronted Joe about his aggressive behavior, but Joe told his director that he didn't care if his colleagues didn't like him because the only thing he cared about was "winning" the company prize for highest sales. He told his director he thought his colleagues were "losers" and they should be fired.
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| Aggressive Behavior |
In response, his director attempted to work with Joe to help him to understand the impact his behavior was having on his work relationships. He explained how Joe could be assertive, rather than aggressive, by speaking in a calm tone and showing his colleagues respect. When Joe's behavior continued to be aggressive, his director terminated him.
Julie:
As the only Black woman on her executive team, Julie talked to the other executives on the team about the negative impact some the company's policies had on women. She could sense their discomfort while she was speaking and she asserted she felt there was a need to address these issues to make certain changes which would benefit employees and the company.
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| Assertive Behavior |
After the meeting, she overheard one of the male executives remark quietly to another male executive, "I can't stand aggressive women." She reflected on her behavior in the meeting and she concluded that she was assertive and not aggressive. Soon after that, she consulted with the human resource director who agreed that the policies should be reviewed and changed. She also told Julie she would do a company-wide training to educate employees about the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness especially as it applied to women and people of color.
Mark:
When his friends confronted Mark about his aggressive behavior with women at a club they often attended, Mark shrugged it off by saying, "Women want men to dominate them. No matter what they say in public, privately they want a strong man." In response, his best friend, John, pointed out that women usually rebuffed Mark at the club because they were put off by his controlling behavior.
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| Aggressive vs Assertive Behavior |
He also explained that some of the women in their friend group also complained that they sometimes felt bullied by Mark and that he usually focused on what he wanted even if the rest of the group wanted something else. Mark respected John so he thought about the negative consequences his aggressive behavior had in his personal relationships and he decided to try to change. John suggested that Mark get help in therapy to understand what caused him to try to control and manipulate others. Over time, he realized that his father, who was aggressive within the family, only expressed praise for him when Mark was also aggressive in his relationships. At that point, Mark realized he had a lot of work to do in therapy and he felt it was worth it.
Conclusion
Although many people confuse assertive and aggressive behavior, there are important differences.
Understanding the differences can help you to have a healthier relationship with yourself and others.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have over 25 years experience working with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me,
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