Jealousy is a common emotion experienced in varying degrees in most romantic relationships (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).
What is Jealousy?
Feeling jealous is often a signal of perceived danger to the relationship.
Jealousy usually involves a fear of losing a partner to a rival.
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| Jealousy Isn't Love |
A little bit of jealousy can be a signal that you and your partner need to talk about insecurity and unmet needs.
Communication between you and your partner about what makes each of you jealous or uncomfortable can help you to make positive changes in your relationship.
Why Do People Confuse Jealousy and Love?
People confuse jealousy and love because jealousy tends to:
- Signal a deep emotional investment
- A fear of losing someone who is important
- A perceived threat to a valued bond
Jealousy is often romanticized as proof of devotion, but this is incorrect because jealousy isn't love.
What Can Trigger a Jealous Reaction?
Almost anything can trigger a jealous reaction. It depends on the person.
Examples might include:
- Spending time with friends
- Talking to an attractive person at a party
- Going to lunch with a coworker
- Talking about a former romantic partner which is called retroactive jealousy
How is Jealousy Different From Envy?
People often confuse jealousy and envy.
Whereas jealousy is losing someone or something to a third party, envy is wanting something that someone else has.
When Does Jealousy Become Unhealthy?
A fleeting pang of jealousy which leads to you and your partner talking about the relationship in a calm and thoughtful way can be a good thing and can bring you closer.
This is different from excessive jealousy.
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| Jealousy Isn't Love |
Excessive jealousy can lead to:
- Obsessive thoughts and an inability to let go of fears, which leads to constant worry
- Controlling behavior like dictating who a partner can see or where a partner can go, dictating what a partner can wear, forbidding certain activities and so on
- Constant unwarranted suspicion with unfounded accusations and excessive questioning
- Possessive or accusatory reactions
- Invading privacy such as checking a partner's phone and demanding constant updates, which can erode a relationship
- Psychological manipulation using guilt or self pity
- Isolation such as trying to isolate a partner from friends and family
Overcoming Excessive Jealousy
- Self Reflection: If you're the partner who is excessively jealous, reflect on your behavior and identify your insecurities. Recognize that you have a problem and work on building your self esteem and confidence.
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| Jealousy Isn't Love |
- Personal Safety: If you're the partner who is experiencing excessive jealousy from your partner, consider your personal safety first. If your partner is threatening you, you need to confide in at least one trusted loved one and remove yourself from harm.
- Communication: Assuming you can both remain calm, speak openly with your partner about your feelings without blame.
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| Get Help in Therapy |
- Seek Help: Seek help in individual therapy or couples therapy to work out issues around jealousy.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 25 years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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