In the last several articles I've been focusing on flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles.
The current article focuses on the Traditional Flirting Style.
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| The Traditional Flirting Style |
See my prior articles:
Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.
Summary of the Five Flirting Styles
- Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.
- Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out.
- Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.
- Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic.
- Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones.
As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they exclude the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.
What Are Common Characteristics of the Traditional Flirting Style?
Traditional flirters tend to:
- Believe in traditional ways when it comes to romance
- Be polite
- Follow traditional rules when it comes to romance as well as in other areas of their life
- Rarely become romantically involved with their friends
- Make their dates or partners feel like they're in a fairytale romance
- Believe in traditional male and female gender roles
- Hold open doors, pay for the check and pull out a woman's chair (if they are men)
- Hold back, behave reserved and want the man to be in the lead (if they are women)
- Believe that a little jealousy keeps chemistry alive
- Be predictable in terms of their courtship style
- Not to like change in general
Men and Women
According to Dr. Hall, women are much more likely to have the Traditional Flirting Style than men.
In terms of the prevalence of the Traditional Flirting Style among men, men are much more likely to be one of the other flirting styles. For men, the Traditional Flirting Style is in last place after the other four.
The Traditional Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love
For many men who are traditional flirters, it's a "man's world." They expect to be the ones who take the initiative to ask a woman out, initiate sex and declare their love.
Compared to men who are part of the four other flirting styles, these men would be uncomfortable if a woman took the initiative.
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| The Traditional Flirting Style |
Generally speaking, according to Dr. Hall, men who are traditional flirters value beauty in a woman, and women who are traditional flirters value success in men.
Traditional women tend to hang back, as opposed to taking the lead, when it comes to flirting because they're waiting for the man to take the lead. However, a traditional woman who is even more reserved wouldn't like the man to flirt with her, according to Dr. Hall.
Since, as a group, traditional women don't feel comfortable flirting, they can find it difficult to get a man's attention. This can make it challenging for these women to meet men--unless they're thrown together in college or at a social event with friends.
Dr. Hall says that traditional men are generally looking for women who are demur, passive and subtle.
Many traditional men will wait a long time before they approach a woman. They usually want to establish a respectful and cordial relationship with a woman first.
This can make it difficult for a woman to know whether or not he's interested. Then, these men often assume they have to work to get a woman interested in them.
A traditional man often waits until a relationship is established before he flirts with a woman.
Traditional men and women might rely on friends to help them to meet and get started in their courtship.
Traditional men and women often have conservative ideas about sex. Many of them believe that sex should take place within a committed relationship, preferably a marriage. They also tend to have fewer sexual partners.
It's not unusual for there to be a double standard with regard to men and women and sex: Men are allowed to have casual sex with women they don't want to be in a committed relationship with, and women would be demeaned if they did the same thing.
However, Dr. Hall also indicates that about 20% of women who responded to his survey said they had sex with a man they were interested in to try to get a relationship going. This is likely due to the fact that they consider sex and relationships to go together, so if they are having sex with a man, they feel it means the relationship is progressing.
Relationships
According to Dr. Hall, traditional men and women tend to be committed partners when they're part of a relationship.
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| Devoted Traditional Partners in a Committed Relationship |
Based on his research, Dr. Hall indicates that traditional men and women are 20% less likely to flirt with someone else when they're in a committed relationship.
Complementary Flirting Style
The Traditional and the Polite Flirting Styles are complementary to each other (more about the Polite Flirting Style in a future article).
Dr. Hall indicates that these two styles are often confused for each other because the traditional flirt is polite and the polite flirt is traditional.
Conclusion
The traditional flirts tend to have definite ideas about traditional gender roles.
Their way of flirting often appeals to other people who are also traditional. It works for them, but it can be off-putting to others (just like any of the other flirting styles).
Traditional men might be slower to approach a woman they're attracted to, but if it works out, they're less likely to stray, according to Dr. Jeffrey Hall.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and a Sex Therapist.
I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.