This is a continuation of my prior articles about flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's research and his book, The Five Flirting Styles.
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| The Polite Flirting Style |
Prior Articles
Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.
Summary of the Five Flirting Styles
- Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.
- Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out.
- Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.
- Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic.
- Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones.
As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they don't include the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.
The Polite Flirting Style
In the current article, I'm discussing the Polite Flirting Style.
What Are Common Characteristics of the Polite Flirting Style?
Traditional flirters tend to:
- Know you for a while before they ask you out
- Start flirting with you as if it's out of the blue after you have been friends for a while, which can be confusing--especially if you didn't realize they were interested in you before they started flirting
- Pay attention to what you say while they're getting to know you--before they ask you out
- Be less assertive and aggressive, as a polite man, than some of the other men who have one of the four other flirting styles because they're being respectful
- Refrain, as a man or a woman, to become sexual when they're getting to know you
- Not comment on a woman's appearance, as a man, out of a sense of politeness
- Find direct flirting annoying
- Talk about their long term goals
- Follow traditional courtship rules
- Be honest about their prior relationships
- Call or send a text after a date to say thank you or to say they had fun
- Be reliable and there for you when you need them
Men and Women
Women tend to be polite flirters much more than men.
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| The Polite Flirting Style |
Both men and women tend to be cautious when they're interested in someone, which can lead to misunderstandings if they're too cautious because you might think they only see you as a friend.
Polite flirters can know you a long time before they think about letting you know they're interested and, even then, they might struggle to find the words to tell you. Sometimes they need the assistance of a mutual friend to intervene to get things started.
The Polite Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love
Polite flirters tend to take things slowly when it comes to dating, sex and love.
Both men and women often want to be in love before having sex because sex is important to them and not to be taken lightly. They want to feel they have an emotional connection with you first.
If a polite flirter is flirting with you, it's more than likely they're interested in forming a connection with you rather than trying to get you into bed.
Relationships
Similar to the Traditional and Sincere Flirting Styles, once they get into a relationship with you, the polite flirter tends to be loyal.
Age
According to Dr. Hall, the Polite Flirting Style tends to be more common among people 40 and over.
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| The Polite Flirting Style |
Dr. Hall indicates that this is probably due to people 40 and over developing a more mature ways of flirting, dating and being in a relationship.
Complementary Flirting Styles
The complementary flirting styles for the Polite Flirting Style are the
- Traditional Flirting Style
- Sincere Flirting Style
What all three have in common is that--not only do they want to go slowly--they want to avoid the carefree sexual aspects of dating before you know each other.
It's not that they don't like sex. It's more a matter that they tend to think it's crass to be sexual right away before you know each other.
Conclusion
This is the last in this series about flirting styles based on the research of Dr. Jeffrey Hall.
In reality, when it comes to flirting styles, people don't usually fit neatly into a particular box. Most people are a combination of flirting styles.
Being aware of your particular constellation of flirting styles can help you in meeting people, dating or entering into a relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.