Many couples who seek help in couples therapy wait until the relationship is in serious trouble or they are one step away from ending the relationship.
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| Problems in a Relationship |
Most long term relationships usually don't end because of one argument. On the contrary, they usually end due to the repetition of the same issues that don't change: Feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood and stuck in a negative cycle.
Although all long term relationships have their ups and downs, there are specific patterns of behavior that indicate deep trouble. These include:
1. Communication Problems
There are certain communication problems that often precede the breakup of a long term relationship:
- Stonewalling: One or both people in the relationship shutdown, withdraw or refuse to engage during discussions (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller in Your Relationship?)
- Extreme Defensiveness: Feedback is met with excuses or counter-attacks rather than active listening and responding (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).
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| Communication Problems in a Relationship |
- Off Limit Topics: One of both partners avoid talking about certain important issues due to fear of the other partner's response.
- Passive Aggressive Hinting: Dropping subtle (and not so subtle) clues or making sarcastic remarks instead of expressing needs directly and clearly.
2. Emotional Distance: Emotional distance often develops and grows over time in relationships that are in trouble:
- Living Like Roommates: Although you share a physical space, you no longer share your thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams or even talk about the highlights of your day.
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| Emotional Disconnection in a Relationship |
- Fading or Absent Physical Intimacy: Physical intimacy declines over time and might be absent for months or years. There is no sexual or non-sexual expressions of affection--no holding hands, no hugs or cuddling (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).
- Feeling Relief During Absence: Feeling a sense of relief and peace during times when you are apart.
- Intentionally Withholding: Intentionally withholding time, affection, interest and, possibly, withholding financial openness as a tool to punish a partner.
3. Chronic, Unhealthy Conflict
This might include:
- "Looping" Arguments: Having the same conflict over and over again without ever reaching a compromise or solution (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).
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| Chronic Conflict in a Relationship |
- The Relationship Scorecard: Continually bringing up old mistakes to blame your partner and try to "win" current arguments (see my article: How to Stop Keeping Score in Your Relationship).
- Personalized Attacks: Shifting from discussing a partner's current particular behavior to attacking your partner's character.
- Lack of Repair After Conflict; Ruptures and arguments happen frequently, but neither partner steps forward to apologize or to genuinely try to heal the emotional wound.
4. Toxic and Controlling Behavior
These might include:
- Holding the Relationship Commitment Hostage: Threatening a breakup or divorce over minor, every day disagreements as a way to manipulate the other person.
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| Toxic and Controlling Behavior in a Relationship |
- Walking on Eggshells: Constantly monitoring your own behavior, words and tone to avoid triggering a partner's anger.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the long term relationship can decline over time and how couples therapy can help:
Jane and Peter
During the early stage of their relationship, Jane and Peter had a happy, passionate relationship.
Two years after they met, they got married and both of them developed busy careers. Initially, they made sure to make time for each other on the weekends, but over the years, as ongoing conflicts developed, they stopped prioritizing their relationship and spent less time together.
Peter resented Jane's close relationship with her sister. He felt that Jane was constantly trying to solve her sister's problems. But when he complained to her about it, Jane refused to talk about it. After a while, as his resentment grew, Peter resorted to making sarcastic remarks to Jane whenever she got together with her sister. Inwardly, he was hurting, but he didn't know how to express his wounded feelings.
Jane resented Peter's long hours at work. She knew Peter didn't want to hear her complain about the time he spent at work, so she seethed inwardly. Sometimes she made caustic remarks ("I think you must be having an affair with someone at work"), but rather than addressing her complaints, Peter stonewalled and spent most of his time in his home office. Underneath her anger and resentment, Jane really missed spending time with Peter, but she felt too vulnerable to tell him this.
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| Problems in a Relationship |
Several years later, they both felt lonely in their relationship. They were co-existing in the same New York City apartment as if they were roommates. They hadn't had sex in years and they were no longer physically affectionate with one another. Even though they still loved each other, they hadn't expressed love for one another in years.
Their biggest problem was their emotional disconnection, but neither of them felt comfortable enough to bring that up, so they had ongoing arguments about money instead. Peter accused Jane of spending too much money and Jane accused Peter of being cheap.
When Peter planned to be away on a business trip for a few days, he sensed that Jane was relieved that he wouldn't be around. On the surface, he was aware of being angry, but deep down he felt sad and hurt.
When Peter returned from his business trip, he could feel Jane's resentment. After a while, he felt overwhelmed by the problems between them and he told her, "I don't even know why we're together. If things don't get better between us, I think we should get a divorce."
Jane felt shaken by Peter's threat of divorce. She wanted to talk to him, but she was afraid of being rebuffed by him. Later that day when she saw her sister, Jane was in tears. She knew things were bad in her marriage, but she couldn't believe Peter was threatening divorce.
Jane's sister told her that when her close friend had marital problems, she sought help from an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) and they were making progress.
After Jane got the name of the EFT therapist, she took a deep breath and spoke to Peter about it. To her surprise, he listened to her and admitted that he would like to try to work on their relationship.
Their EFT couples therapist helped them to identify the recurring negative cycle in their relationship and provided them with tools and strategies to overcome this cycle.
Since their problems were long-standing and entrenched, the work was neither quick nor easy, but they made steady progress over time.
Their couples therapist was also a certified sex therapist, so after Jane and Peter worked through their emotional disconnection and recurring arguments, they made progress on improving their sex life.
Conclusion
Many couples wait until their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek help.
Like most difficult problems, relationship problems are easier to solve when problems first develop--before they become entrenched.
Get Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been struggling with relationship problems, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.
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| Get Help in Couples Therapy |
If your problems include sexual issues, seek help from a couples therapist who is also a certified sex therapist (not all couples therapists are trained to deal with sexual problems).
A skilled couples therapist can help you to work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
I provide a free 10-15 minute call before setting up an appointment.
To contact me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.